This is the anniversary of my 108th posting on this blog. As a special anniversary (more so than post 100 which I really didn't pay attention to), this post will make little to no sense, but as usual it should make you feel... something...
Sometimes I wonder how much I could *really* tell you.
#define you as generic you, the reader
I wish I could blurt out all of my thoughts into one posting.
I can't help wishing that I was an artist, doing all the things that artists do... (for which of course there is no stereotype *cough*)
I think I would like to do podcasts and videos here someday soon. But right now I'm struggling to find one single place to call my home(blog). I may just have to make it, like everything else in life...
But nothing's really perfect. It can be dangerously close to perfect even without any help, though.
After a little more writing and thinking (more of the latter), I find that what I wrote last time, in terms of goals, deserves a little rewriting. So my second goal becomes my first. It's really tough to find the perfect order even for only four goals!!! Damn it!
... anyway, I have my heart set on people now. School was almost never really hard (except for one year of my life - frosh in high school), and was rarely involving enough to make me feel that people are worth less (than learning). I think and feel that everyone else teaches me much more than I would learn by myself or through school. If you believe in yourself, and know who you are well enough, surrounding yourself with people could be one of the best decisions of your life. It was for me, and I plan to do it again.
... maybe I just got sick of loneliness.
I may have not blogged much for the past two years, but... Oh, I was just about to say that things have not changed that much, that I haven't really changed. But, truthfully, we all change more than it seems - it's just that we tend to notice the things that don't change, but we want to change, and also notice things that change, but we don't want to change. If the former dominates the latter, there we go: it feels that we haven't changed much.
And I find myself that way right now.
What had I hoped to achieve?
... I had hoped to make this place be my home. With the friends that I want, a very special girl, and a passion for learning. Well, I'm halfway there!
... I had hoped to be more of me in every way, and in a sense, I am. Now, more than before, because I understand that being more means, among other things, accepting more. Santa Cruz really teaches one to accept things :)
What do I want now?
I want to make someone really happy. Maybe because I want to show myself that I can do more than I think I'm capable of doing.
I want to show someone how lucky I feel.
I want to take charge of my life.
I want to feel motivated.
To appreciate what I have a little more, and to do that, all I need is to put more heart into it.
After all, there's no limit to how much you can give.
And life is full of wonderful surprises.
Here's a thought. Do something unusual everyday!
And I want my 108th post to be the first of a series that will start a wonderful new adventure of my life!
I think it's very sad that people compromise so much to have some kind of happiness. It's not *the* happiness. I'd still rather just live a horribly unstable life than settle for people that I can't be myself around fully. But not everyone has to be that way. In fact, I may be the one worse off, you know, with the going nuts from such a hectic life and all.
But it's got its perks. Living on the edge (of either yourself, the world, or both) is extremely rewarding. It's romantic, for one. Exciting. Unusual. Surprising. No room for disengagement. Scary.
Why don't I just challenge myself to find that life that I want directly?
I think it's most likely because I enjoy the search. 99% of happiness is seeking it - that's the answer.
And I love. And I am loved. Everyday, more and more.
I love the world. And some itsy bitsy part of it loves me back. But as tiny as that is, it's bigger than me in every. single. way.
Hug you, world! And let's toast for my 108! To a new life!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
108
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
There may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness
Most of the time we grope about quite blindly, driven by we know not what needs and in search of we know not what satisfactions.
- F&u
Hey there. Long time no see.
I'll save the "I plan/ed to do this or that" bits. I don't re-read my posts often enough to catch my own plans again. No more plans, not for a long time now. Just a clearer and clearer path.
So what has my life been like?
A series of fortunate and unfortunate events mixed together in a healthy blend -- and I say this because I believe it is (sort of) in the psyche's best interest to be continuously challenged and unsettled. As human beings, we deserve to rest - we do - but only 1% of the time, really! 99% life = fighting.
And so you can see why all of our time is so precious. We must fight all the time to get to where we want to be. So, here is a series of ideas that (hopefully) summarize what I've been up to for the past, oh, 6 or more months...
After years of living in this world we (sometimes) call our own, we come to know things, and - more importantly - think of them as certainties. But these certainties are almost never enough to offer guidance to our (confused) lives, to set forth a fixed path that we know 100% is the path we want to be on. And who are those lucky few that know their path? They are people with faith: religious, scientific, or any other kind that is spiritual and gives oneself a good reason to stay on it. Most of which, I believe, are lying to themselves. However, I also believe that some are on the right path, and are lucky enough to do great things through their beliefs.
And the thing is, as we grow up, we start realizing that there is no way, NO WAY we could do all of those things that we wish to do. We have to give some up, and confine ourselves onto this one path that (hopefully) leads somewhere. And that "somewhere", we think, would be more rewarding, in the end, than trying to fit everything in:
If a man could articulate his grievances about life so defined, he would perhaps complain first about the extensive deprivations to which he is subjected and secondly about the unsatisfactory nature of much of the experience permitted him. The distinction is not a perfect one: the two complaints sometimes tend to merge. Nevertheless, there can be no doubt that, quite apart from any specific dissatisfactions we may have about what befalls us, we are sometimes oppressed by the feeling that life is more limited and impoverished than it should be.
- F&u
So will I give up many goals, in order to achieve at least a few. But in the end, "Psychoanalysis teaches us that no infantile desires are ever entirely relinquished." (F&u)
What are my priorities now?
1. Never give up.
2. Hold as few certainties as possible, always expect the opposite (or another option) may be (also) true.
3. Constantly re-evaluate my standing and goals. Hold the same small bunch (1-5) at the top (I wish...)
4. Bring a contribution to this world that is meaningful to me, and that I feel measures up to my abilities.
My goals?
1. Develop my career.
2. Meet great people, meet (new) people, make connections. Love.
3. Travel.
4. Experience (the) unforgettable.
Alright. Sounds like a plan!
What's been happening with me?
I moved away from one university to another, and in doing so realized a great deal of things. I love to travel. I like moving around, starting over, meeting new people. I also like learning, adapting. Fitting in, yet standing out.
I lived a summer with an internship - *the* full-time job that I have never had before - and understand what it is like to work your ass off, to be involved and enjoying what you do, to meet great people. I realized what defines my kind of work.
I had friends from Romania close by, and made other close friends here -- and they have helped shape this past half of a year more than anything. I understand now more about myself than I ever did during my years in the US. I was a pretty well-balanced person before I came here, but now I feel stronger and more convinced than ever. I know not the entirety of who I am, but enough to proceed on the next step with more confidence, more hope, belief, and love than I had thought possible 2 years ago.
And you know what? I'm fighting for freedom. My freedom, and others' freedom. I need it for my goals. Do they seem selfish? I for one think that without a career, I cannot offer much. I will not rest until I get to where I want to be (that is, metaphorically speaking, and not in terms of location).
And I had hoped to write a story as well today, but time is an issue, and as such the story will have to wait for another time.
Thanks for being here with me. I will end with another passage that has helped me recently:
The painful truth is that at each stage of our lives we are dissatisfied, unhappy and anxious a large part of the time. No matter how often we are reminded of this fact by philosophers and religious seers – or, more agonizingly, by events in our own lives – we only occasionally and momentarily accept its validity. We cannot, of course, deny that pain, dissatisfaction and disillusionment are inevitable aspects of human experience, but we can and do seek to minimize their significance. For example, we may attempt to treat painful aspects of experience as exceptional or even accidental. No matter what we have gone through, we tell ourselves with a stubbornness which has something magnificent about it that the next phase of our lives will fulfill more of our longings and give us less cause to feel wretched. Only exceptional men, or the rest of us in moments of exceptional honesty, face the possibility that there may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness.
- F&u
Source for quotes:
F&u - Simon O. Lesser - Fiction and the unconscious
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Smile :)
Better by far you should forget and smile than you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti
:)
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Excuses
The trick is not how much pain you feel - but how much joy you feel. Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.
- Erica Jong
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.
- Joseph Rudyard Kipling, 1865 - 1936
I thought: hey, one could always use a reminder. Enjoy your life, it's the only one you have. Besides, if you can read this, you're probably better off than most of the world. You might think that what you have is no big deal, but try to imagine getting all of this when you have nothing... not a thing. And look for reasons not to worry, before you decide to do so - not the other way.
Feel the joy! Jump around! Be happy, be in the world. No excuses.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Darwin for beginners
I'm taking an Anthropology class this semester and found passages in the book that caught my attention:
1. The point is, scientific curiosity is not a native human talent. It has to be shaped and directed by social situations; institutional arrangements and vested interests, which give certain inquiries their characteristic verve and momentum.
2. In his great book "The Road to Xanadu" John Livingston Lowes discusses the origins of Coleridge's Ancient Mariner. He shows how the facts and images Coleridge obtained from ceaseless reading eventually returned to be incorporated in one of the gratest poems of the English language. Lowes points out that this material would have been useless, unless it had been forgotten first. It had to be plunged into the transforming depths of Coleridge's unconscious imagination before it could be retrieved and reordered.
Two things to make you think...
Friday, January 04, 2008
It had to be said
Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
- Mary Manin Morrissey
Since the year's fresh, it's time to realize that living happens now and here and stop waiting for something to come.
Life's all the time, isn't it?
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Some other times
How strange that only when you grow past a certain age you are capable of deluding yourself ... from your own self, for, perhaps, any amount of time.
---
NOTE:
Before I start... storytelling, I have an announcement:
Because of, let's say, previous experiences, I would like to point out that, out of all my writings, only some match my beliefs, while others contain one or more of the following (or others not yet mentioned :D):
- random ideas that someone might think of - either someone in general or I hear them somewhere (and/or I picked up on from others, or from the daily life)
- thoughts against myself (which I do because I find it clears the mind marvelously; plus, it gets rid of some nasty prejudices, try it!)
- moody swings (I'm not a girl, but hey! guys still get moody!)
- what if's of my own but not that I necessarily believe
In summary, this is a "don't judge what you read as my own beliefs" kind of message. I do value someone's beliefs, and on a great account I feel closer to those people that believe in the same things I do (don't we all?) but because beliefs are beliefs and nothing more, it would be unfair to dismiss someone simply because of what they believe...
Have you ever tried to argue against what's most dear to you? You must know how hard it is, then. If you try to start an argument on something that you're sensitive to, try not being one sided about it! *sigh*
Alright, this was perhaps because I'm setting the grounds for a big controversial thingy. Now, back to the story...
---
Getting busy with work.
Or school.
Hanging out with friends.
Listening to music, yelling it out loud.
Driving fast.
Writing about it. Not once, not twice.
Hope, hidden deep down - so well hidden that you don't even realize it's the first feeling you have in the morning; that along with the bittersweet taste of reality - that things will happen, someway or another, to make your dream come true.
You can't if you're a kid. How could a child lie to oneself? No, he couldn't!
It's like a sad story, that of growing up. You're born with this tiny mind and a huge huge heart. You learn so much, feel so much, everything that happens around you fires up your heart at first. You almost "love" or "hate" everything. But then you get older, and you stop feeling strongly about things. You realize that Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Or that your little pet didn't really go to Honolulu for the past 6 months. You come to know there are other people in this world, you become aware of them.
And so much else.
Gradually, slowly, you distance your mind from your heart. If you suffer, you pull away - IF you can. Then, even if you involve yourself again, you know you can pull back. And that's how it starts. When you're happy, you go for it! Again, and again... ah, and happiness makes everything most subjective.
We instinctively know when we're happy with our lives. Isn't it funny how you are so self-focused when you're happy? I don't mean to say self-centered. Or selfish. Happiness does not necessarily mean you're selfish. I think that depends on your attitude and beliefs, spiritual strength, will... stuff like that. Perhaps, to be more clear, I should make sense of the happiness I'm talking about: the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach (does it have to be love? I don't know), excites you from head to toe and almost forces you to get out of bed full of LIFE! Damn it! YES!
Hah! High five!
So, being self-focused is good. It's knowing you love your place in the world, yeah!
[...]
We might have happy moments, but we're not happy all the time. We might have an overall happy life, though, isn't that great?
The TV's turned on, right beside me. I skipped through the list of channels and saw "The Notebook" title right on there. I wanted to see it again.
I knew it'd take me back in time, back to memories. I knew I'd tend to advocate one thing or another after/while watching it. I went back and forth only to realize that having something to go back and forth for gives me strength. Having to face myself and enjoying it is something I have been long missing.
I'm happy. I'm happy! :)
It's evanescent, probably, but I feel happy.
Feels like that quote:
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz
I saw "The Shape of Things" yesterday. It's now one of my top movies ever! I'd strongly recommend it to anyone... The movie forces so many questions out of oneself that I can't even begin to say why one should see it! Seduction, truth, art, change, superficiality, what love is... what's real versus what is not.
Scraps of a bigger picture...
"Do I really have to make sense?"
"Meh. Only if you want to..."
"Good. Cause I don't want to right now."
*nods*
Really complex. I know.
I love playing the piano! Just can't wait for that holiday time so I could do it all I want... Fur Elise, sing it with me! (Was he really deaf?)
Oh, speaking of selfishness, I thought of altruism and generosity, about how much one tends to postpone it for later (aka typically when one can do it wholeheartedly and meaningfully), and how one ends up not doing it at all...
I'm going to go dream now :)
It's almost one.
Thinking of you... dear to me... here's a special felt thought reaching out to you!
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Thoughts, thoughts, random thoughts
If I had more time, space... ahhh! Actually, I've got just fragments that might one day develop into full ideas...
I wonder whether we should believe that everything we get in life is one-time only, I wonder if we should keep holding on desperately, to everything we've got... I wonder. Doesn't it make more sense to take everything as it comes? To accept every single day annd thing that happens. Just, because... You can't change the past (yet). The first thing you have to do with it, then, is accept that it happened. It's irreversible, as far as your humble human powers are concerned. There's nothing you can do about it, except write "history" as if it never happened. But it has happened. And that's it.
What remains, then, is your decision. What are you gonna do about it?
So, you had a car accident and the other guy's suing you. So what? Huh? Do something. Be smart about it. You know, feel life as you feel it, but, with that thought in mind - that everything from the past stays there.
Since you can only do something once and there's no Ctrl+Z, you better do it well.
But I'm trying to reach farther than that.
I'm trying to say that even if you lose the dearest people in your life. Even if you've got nothing more to lose, you still should not fight as if your life depended on it. What does your life really depend on? Not much. Actually, very little. Like a dear friend told me once, Gandhi didn't need much to live (and even do it happily). I'm not gonna get into all that how-wasteful-we-are kinda thing. We waste everyday: time, plastic, paper, electricity, water, money. What else? Plenty!
Anyway, back to the point. I shouldn't say "whatever happens", I should say "habitually, most of what happens we take too seriously." Yeah! Lighten up, kid! You've got the whole world in your hands. You're not almighty, but you're not useless either. You're important - not as important, not more or less important than others.
I was just thinking about this because I felt I was struggling to do so many things I wanted to. Yet, I did. But I didn't take time off. You know, to feel better, to enjoy... Or, I did, but I even took that as precious time. And then I came around: Why am I being so stressed out? Because? Nothing. Really.
---
"You've got closure."
Gee. Umm. I don't know. Maybe I do. Actually, the worst break up of my life (and probably, hopefully, anyone's) was the first. But it wasn't that bad. I just really felt like I was alone. The shock, I guess, after spending so many days with someone, for the first time, and that throwing yourself all into it...
And yes, that still happens with future relationships! No, it's not less honest or more cautious in the future! It's however you want it to be. Just more experienced. Actually, experience in a huge number of areas is really helpful :)
Knowledge is power.
And the brain to help deal with it is also essential.
So, I think that if you really look at yourself, you're not that bad at it. At anything.
And yes, this connects to that thingy upstairs. The previous idea. Half-idea...
---
Random...
---
Blah blah...
---
Okay, focus :)
*nods*
I went to a wonderful dance show tonight.
(nothing to do with it, but the song "I'm walking on sunshine" is playing right now. No, not in my head...)
It was great. Really. I enjoyed it so much that it made me write all this friggin stuff. Yup. And the music was great, too. I feel refreshed. And like writing. And just for that, I'm gonna skip a couple of days of school, probably. Or just go to some of the classes. My favorite ones, of course :)
---
It's wonderful how people get involved into what they do so much. I have this really great friend that always took everything as lightly as possible. To him, life's as serious as it can be, except that nothing disturbs him too much. Of course, there's some routine in there, since he's so calm and balanced all the time, but, for the most part, it's amazing how he handles everything with so much ease. And laughter. Last time his girlfriend was really pissed at someone he laughed and kept teasing her. I kind of expected her to burst into tears, but she was so stubborn and frustrated by his attitude that she started chasing him... heh.
The day that his dog died, he just said it, with seriousness. And that was it. Not that it didn't matter, don't get me wrong. It's just that, well, it happened, and... the dog's not here anymore, and it's regrettable... But, yeah, there's also all the rest of life. I think that's, to some extent, part of being an adult, mature. Handling things. Taking it all in, yet not so as it kills you (cause then it won't do much good, except to the FBI or CIA if you're wanted dead or alive, maybe).
But I'm digressing...
Again :)
Alright, I'll be back to write some more, someday.
>hug<
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Driving... home
I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.
I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.
The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...
Ah, childhood memories...
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away
Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way
He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?
Because it's been so long.
Since what?
Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...
Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...
What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.
Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.
Too many reasons to even say.
Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...
And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.
He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.
I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.
He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?
Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?
Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?
Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
maybe I thought you weren't like everybody else
He and She. He takes her home. They talk and get ready to part for the evening.
He says, then she, etc:
- i had a really good time tonight
- yeah, i did too!
- here.
- what's that?
- my share of the dinner.
- no, no, no. look, i'm the one who asked you out, and it wouldn't be an official date if i wouldn't pay.
- well how about i flip you for it?
- no, i'm sorry.
- come on, you're afraid you'll lose!
- no, you are unbelievable...
- (joking around) you're terrified, you're shaking.
- oh, alright. heads...
- (flips coin, falls heads) you lose.
- let me see that.
- no.
- let me see that...
- no!
- let me see that!
(grabs coin)
- that's two tails, you cheated!
- no, i didn't. i gave you the option, you chose heads.
- 84% of the time everyone's gonna say heads when asked.
- well maybe i thought you weren't like everybody else.
- maybe you're right. i'll see you.
- i'll raise you.
- what?
- it's just something i used to say to my dad.
- good night.
- good night. sweet dreams.
(movie "All in", 2006)
I won't say anything. I'll just add another quote. But if you'll comment, I'll reply.
"It will have been noticed that, in this philosophy, there reigns an alternative: the encounter may not take place, just as it may take place. Nothing determines, no principle of decision determines this alternative in advance; it is of the order of a game of dice. 'A throw of the dice will never abolish chance.' Indeed! A successful encounter, one that is not brief, but lasts, never guarantees that it will continue to last tomorrow rather than come undone. Just as it might not have taken place, it may no longer take place: 'fortune comes and changes', affirms Borgia, who succeeded at everything until the famous day he was stricken with fever. In other words, nothing guarantees that the reality of the accomplished fact is the guarantee of its durability. Quite the opposite is true: every accomplished fact, even an election, like all the necessity and reason we can derive from it, is only a provisional encounter, and since every encounter is provisional even when it lasts, there is no eternity in the 'laws' of any world or any state. History her is nothing but the permanent revocation of the accomplished fact by another undecipherable fact to be accomplished, without our knowing in advance whether, or when, or how the event that revokes it will come about. Simply, one day new hands will have to be dealt out, and the dice thrown again on the empty table."
- Louis Althusser, "Philosophy of the Encounter"
Question: What if love was this way, what if everything that happens is just... chance?
Sunday, September 16, 2007
yep, it's official, I'm weird! (un)fortunately so's the world
So...
I've just seen a documentary on aspartame. You wouldn't believe how poisonous human beings can be to their own selves (or, you would, if you were like me). And then comes the phrase "yeah, but it's all business, really", which is why I put this quote up on my blog:This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
- Douglas Adams
I'm sad. Sad... Sometimes I wish I could erase this world with a hand towel or something, and "write" it back.
So, umm, what else... the last few weeks of my life deal with philosophy, CS, dancing, and math circles. Reading, lots and lots of reading, logic, jumping and moving on classical music (:X) and probably soon-to-come midterms. It's good, at least I like what I'm doing very much. And then I keep busy all the time. To be honest, the only part of my life I wish were better is social. But I don't feel so hurried anymore... or, rather, I'm determined to take things as they come, feel as I feel and... just deal with it.
I realized that I really like to cook! :) Which is so cool, because I also like to eat :D
For now I'm just sticking to salads, with all sorts of ingredients, but I'm planning to learn some actual stove stuff soon! I hope.
It's 7:35PM and the sky looks... amazing. It makes me dream, of what's going to be, what's going to happen to the world, to my family, to my friends...
Speaking of family, I think I'm gonna be closer to them for the next couple of years. Being so far, for so long, was just something I had accepted (or thought I did) and then I did not even realize that I'm not actually coming back.
It feels like time just passes by. And I do so much that I want, but I'm missing out on the whole of who I am. I'm always missing out. Gotta go to concerts, rock concerts, or punk, or gothic... and then learn piano, and do math, teach or tutor, do web programming, explore nature and go to Great America, find someone I could get close to again... or have someone close back here...
Shhh. Snap out of it. Back to life. Somehow, along the way of growing up, it's been established (or perceived) that being an adult takes the adventure out of life (maybe that's because I'm not exactly surrounded by adventurous people - not in the all-fun-and-no-work-kinda-way anyhow). And I refuse to accept that! Growing up doesn't mean you lose it all, you can still be crazy and impulsive and have all sorta wishes and dreams and hopes, and you can still wanna meet someone great in the bus or subway, or on the street, or read a book standing upside down in a tree, or, heck, I dunno, just do something unusual cause you damn well feel like it. As disney's "The spectrum song" says: "What ever happened to the plain old dilly-dilly-dilly-dilly... dilly..."
Sometimes when I meet someone and he/she's so different from me (yep, pretty often), and I hear things from that person, that he/she likes, or does, I always, somehow, understand, or feel, have felt, lived, believed, thought that too,... and, as long as it's still part of me, I can always say "I know what you mean", or "so do I". And, like someone very dear to me once said she's been told, "you seem over 40". I'm not exactly the same way, but, at least at this point, I feel that way. Like no matter how different from me that person is - no, actually, better: the more that person differs from me, the closer I feel to the him/her.
And to think that all this' been inspired from a friend's phrase: "dude, all your friends are WEIRD!"
YEP! Say hello to the weird me! (new version is long-haired and headbanded, batteries not included ;) )
So, anyway, as I said, I've been upto no good lately - much reading, actually, of Ancient Greek philosophy, and here are a few phrases I've very much enjoyed:
Xenophanes:
- “mortals suppose that the gods are born and have clothes and voices and shapes like heir own”
- “there is one god, among gods and men the greatest, not at all like mortals in body or mind”
- “he sees as a whole, thinks as a whole, and hears as a whole”
- “he moves everything by the thought of his mind”
- “he always remains in the same place, not moving at all”
- “everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end”
- “no man knows or ever will know the truth about gods and about everything I speak of”
So, the first couple of ones, about the entity of god as a whole fits right in with how I (and probably many of you) feel (or have felt) about this world: it's all one. big. giant. whole. and ALL is GOD, and GOD is ALL, because everything IS, everything is created and therefore creation, and the creator it(or him, if you prefer:P)-self is everywhere, omnipresent and omnipotent.
The "everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end" part reminds me of this funny little quote:If my decomposing carcass helps nourish the roots of a juniper tree or the wings of a vulture - that is immortality enough for me. And as much as anyone deserves.
- Edward Abbey
Anyone out there who happens to read any of this crap here and think it's not that bad, just comment, would ya? Even if it's offtopic. I really feel like talking :)
Alright, hope you had a great weekend!
Here's some other links that I've recently read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood-brain_barrier
http://www.the-scientist.com/news/display/53138/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclamate
http://www.stevia.net/
http://www.aspartamesafety.com/FAQ.htm
http://www.elmhurst.edu/~chm/vchembook/549acesulfame.html
^_^
|_|
(uhm, nvm)
Friday, September 14, 2007
I'd rather be
I'd rather be a has been
then a might have been by far,
for a might have been
has never been,
but a has been
was once an Are.
I'd rather be a could be
if I couldn't be an Are,
for a could be is a maybe
with a chance of reaching far.
(unknown author)
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
meet ... uhm ... someone
I just saw "Meet Joe Black". My head's full of ideas. It hurts. I can't get them all out but I'll go with the flow.
What's it like to live knowing when you'll die?
Would you perhaps go to that girl and tell her, with your voice trembling: "Hey, I was waiting for you. I have to tell you something before I chicken out and never say it: I think... you're... I think you're the most... you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen"
"Why thank you", she would say, and then maybe, just maybe, you won't run out on her because you're too emotional to say something else.
Or you might go to that girl and say "Can I see you again?"
And then she'd say something like "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", with a not-so-happy face, just so you won't take it as worst as possible...
Wish I could set my mind free. Wish I could sleep without the continuous racking in my head, the random pieces of thoughts and feelings that just don't let me be one... whole...
I am me. I behave like me. I'm wishing, dreaming, feeling, living... just not entirely where I am, yet. Some parts of me are... scattered.
And that's why you're here.
You'll help me come back together. You'll say things to me that nobody else would say. And I'll tell you anything, cause you're not like anyone else.
There are times in life when you have to stop and deal with yourself. Leave everyone else alone, not burden them with yourself and finally go, do it, be you, on your own, take life by the hand and walk beside it.
"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry"
It's easy. Leave things to rest for a while. And remember what you were thinking: if you hadn't had it, you wouldn't be so sad to have lost it. And don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And nothing's ever over. And love is something you must never lose your faith in. And hope dies last, it's what gets you out of bed each morning. And courage is the mastery of fear. And you want to leave this Earth with no regrets. And... it's a wonderful world! Carpe diem! Don't worry, be happy!
Don't overburden yourself! Take it easy. Clear your head. Write here... write here, take a break. Write all you wish to write, to whomever you wish to write, here, if you can. Take a break.
I'm not discouraged, I just hate feeling behind on feeling. That sounds circular, but what it means is that I'd rather feel okay with everything, and I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure how to be, except by letting it all flow. And this is how it flows...
Welcome, to a new post. First? Last? Probably not.
Welcome, to a new step forward, hopeful, more loving, more honest, and... happier.
I'll be back.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
this time i turn to you
I haven't been here in a long time. Very long time.
I have friends.
I am in love.
I have parents. Relatives.
People I could talk to. Relate to. Feel close to. That could help me with my problems, or at least make me feel better. But right now I don't want any of that.
Do I want to be like a rock or what? I dunno, but this time, the reason I feel like talking to you is... cause you only have to listen. Don't say anything. It's a diary.
Now I turn to you.
Hi.
I'm Paul.
I've been thinking too much about too many. Or too little. Forgot who I am? Not exactly, though I don't feel perfectly at home either.
Yeah, I'm more self-sufficient now, that's the least I can tell. I've just read in a book that men tend to go solve other problems or do things to help'em forget their problems if they've in a difficult situation. And, for 6 months or so...
I've been feeling the urge to live through exciting stuff, taste extreme tastes, drive faster, take on challenges - in short, live more intensely than ever. Is this me, or is this just someone I'm trying to be to help me cope with all the changes I'm going through?
There's no help in this. I just know there isn't. I have to try it and see where it leads me. Cause nobody knows it better than me.
I've had a wonderful summer, though with a lot of mistakes.
And, as I write this, I keep thinking of the people that would read it. My friends. My love. People I love. What would they think, feel, say, ... ?
I've got so many ambitions for this following year. Can I make it? I feel disorganized. Like I should take some time off and figure out my priorities.
So, here I go.
Philosophy. Definitely.
Math. For sure.
CS. Of course.
English. Writing. Reading. Culture in general. Indispensable.
Love. Friends. Family. Girlfriend. Having faith in love. Essential.
Experimenting new things. Expect the unpredictable, in a way. It's part of me.
Doing something that matters. Something to put my heart in.
I'm changing. I already have changed. I've stopped relying on someone else so much. Actually, I didn't need someone else that much, but I wanted to. The truth is that I want someone to live my life with. Even at my age. I do. Really. And having someone, loving someone, being with someone and being happy is wonderful, for me. And it's a challenge, which I also like.
My friends give me a sense of self and my life partner gives me happiness. It's true - I could be happy with just living a lovely life with someone. But I am much more with all you guys. To be the most of me, I need a lot, but just to be me, I don't. Subtle difference, can you see it?
And I've got so much to do, so I hope that will keep me from being sad.
I love so many people. And I felt so troubled without them last year. My home is still not here, but, this time, I plan on making a home out of myself, grabbing on to life and making the most out of every opportunity. Putting heart in all of it. Calming down, in a way, releasing the stress. Yet also keeping that -live it to the max- feeling.
I'll be back to write more, soon. Perhaps I'll rearrange this blog a bit.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Deconfusing the confusion inside
Time. Time. So little time. Yet time is so slow...
I miss...
I want time to go faster now and then stop. But wait, it is so. It stops when I see you... it stops and then something fills me up. With love, hope, faith. I...
I miss me. I miss you. I miss the past, present, and future within us. I miss everything. And I'm so tired that it barely hurts. And I'm smiling, you know, the beautiful smile; I feel so alive!
---
You fight with yourself for something for so long, and think that you'll keep it up, keep believing, keep fighting, and when you succeed you don't know what to say. How to react. Nothing. Nothing!
I am naked in front of you, and I don't even know if I want to cover myself or to let you see...
---
I'm not sure I'm ready for this. How would I know when I'm ready? Every night I go to sleep without knowing what I'll be feeling the morning after. I wake up and wonder what happened that night, where was I, where were you, where we were...
---
Breaking away from a world is hard. But coming back might be even harder, no matter how much faster it could be...
---
Fragments. Pieces. Of the same puzzle? Hope so.
That's what I've got. And I can't put them together. What's missing?
---
Thank God life gives me this chance: to wait for everything to come to me and make me feel and think again, to wait for the Universe to find me again; not that I've lost myself, but I must be somewhere very dim. Somewhere... in the dark. It seems that I just can't find the will to look inside of me, anymore. And tomorrow I'll wake up feeling differently...
---
There are days when I can't focus on anything. There are periods of time that fly by, and then I look back and think something like: "wow, where did the last hour go?" Sometimes I'm in class. Or at home. In the car. In bed. Taking a shower. Eating. Dreaming. Walking. Feeling. Thinking. Being...
Everywhere I am I can't be without you. Yet this strikes me so bad, so big that I'm almost blind. I can still remember, I can try to feel everything I felt once again, but it will never be the same.
Should it? I don't know. But I feel it shouldn't. I think we're supposed to make a new path for ourselves now. To find... a new way. More our way than it ever was before. Our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions. Our plans (yep, we don't have many actual 'plans', but...). Our lives... our whole lives are just beginning. And all that is so new and so exciting, and so big... that I'm not sure I can even begin to comprehend it.
It's overwhelming!
---
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone with myself so I can be with you.
---
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Alone with myself.
---
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Without myself...
---
Sometimes...
---
Pupi.
---
I would love to read you, think you, feel you. Write me, anything. (And yes, I'm writing to you. Don't wonder who! If you're reading this, I'm writing to you!)
Maybe you don't realize this but I'm helpless. I'm so helpless that I'll keep writing you even if you hate me. Even if you ignore me. I'll always be here. Here for you...
---
I realize my life means a couple of things first and many many many many many others after that. A while ago, I think I was in 11 grade (so that makes it 3 years ago almost), I wrote about what means most to me in this life. There were three things: being needed/loved(1), knowledge(2), creativity/nature(3). Here's a short explanation about each of them:
1. "In viata de pe pamant, excluzand viitorul meu ca fiinta spirituala, suflet, in Rai sau Iad, prima mea prioritate este sa ma simt necesar." (In my earthly life, excluding my future as a spiritual being, or my soul, in Heaven or Hell, my first priority is to feel I'm necessary.)
2. "E pe locul doi, fiindca fara cunoastere nu pot indeplini prima parte."(Second place because without knowledge I cannot fulfill the first part.)
"Cunoasterea aici cuprinde cateva domenii mari si late: psihologia umana, pe primul loc, la mare distanta de urmatoarele (era inainte, iar acum s-au apropiat celelalte), informatica, matematica, engleza, practica materiala (prin asta se intelege cat de bine ma descurc de unul singur cu materialismul [adica generic vorbind banii, sau gatitul, s.a.]). "(Here, knowledge embraces a couple of big areas: human psychology, first, followed by computer science, math, english, and practical stuff (anything materialistic [e.g. cash, cooking, etc.]).)
3. "Creativitatea consta la mine in randamentul folosirii resurselor." (Creativity, from my perspective, includes the ratio/efficiency with which I use my capabilities.) To put it simple, the outside brought inside through the first two, the way I see the world resonate with my own self.
*** Excerpted from an old chapter
It's interesting, for me, to notice that even since back then I knew a lot about who I am. It's amazing that, to some extent, I am that same guy. And what's also a big thing is how the first is the only independent part of myself that always surfaces, through anything. I believe in love... I believe in love as a reason to be here, in a way. And anytime I don't quite get why I am this way, something happens, and It shows me again. It who? Dunno. The Universe, God? One and the same, maybe...
Whenever the course of events lets me down, the second and third parts of me came to the aid of the first one. And each one depends on the ones above it... which is why the first one is ... everything :)
Even though I'm essentially the same, some things changed...
The "new" me:
1. Love. Hope. Faith. (it changed the orientation compared to "the old number 1")
2. Knowledge. Spirit. Will. (Metaphysical) desire.
3. The world as an opportunity. The Universe as the "other". The purpose of everything else.
1. Although my reason for being is not only this, love, hope and faith are essentially the three things that make me... me. I believe I'm made to live life as everything, get involved as much as I can, put my heart in it and not take it back. Live it till the end. That's love. Hope... hope that I will make it through. "Hope is what makes us wake up in the morning", says a famous quote, hope is what one needs to believe in love during those hardest moments. Faith is what you need when everything else fails. Do you know that song: "Have a little faith in me"? Sometimes, love hurts, hope is almost nothing, and we run away. And then faith kicks in, as the last drop in the ocean... the last piece of you above sea level, perhaps. This trio is not mine, originally, but it's now a part of me. I know it's also in the bible, but, as it happens with me all the time, the people I care most about bring me my beliefs. This also works the other way: my beliefs bring around people I can bond with most. I think this happens to many of us, honestly...
2. All those are intertwined into a strong... web. Knowledge encompasses my unceasing curiosity, cause I almost never get sick of learning new things, understanding life, and feeling my own reality, or imagining other people and their world.
Spirit is the tiny thread that climbs on the ladder of life, on its way swirling around other spirits, yours perhaps, maybe, actually hopefully finding a dear company, and pushing forward through the web of the Universe...
Will is... not so much free will, but will as the strength and ambition to move on through life, the part that is possible because of the LHF.
The (metaphysical) desire is strongly connected to all the first three.
Metaphysical = Literally, beyond the physical realm, beyond that which we can realize or discover with our five senses. Also, a branch of philosophy which studies the “beingness” or inherent nature of reality. (Google definition)
Don't think of desire in the literal term of wanting something to posess. Rather, desire in the metaphysical sense means wanting to give yourself to that something or someone, making you a part of it, instead of grabbing and pulling it towards you. This may sound generic or too broad, so you can imagine a metaphysical desire as the reward of you meaning more than just yourself, the spiritual significance of, say, the cup you drank milk in every day when you were a kid. If you can give yourself to something/someone without expecting anything in return, you remain there, and you gain so much more. Because, see, whenever you expect return, you are actually less, regardless if you receieve it or not! I'll write about this soon, only I haven't researched enough. But if you want to look into it, read about intentionality and psychism, works by Francisco Romero and Emmanuel Levinas.
3. This is kind of equivalent to the creativity I chose before. The idea is that the Universe is here and it gives me the opportunity to be a part of it. Thus, I intend to look at it as if it were at least as great as I am, and give it at least big a chance as it gives me. So to speak, the "other" is not to be reduced to "myself", by similarity or anything else. That is disconsidering the whole nature of the Universe. I'm not sure I can even comprehend what the Universe means, much less make sense of its little parts. At least I should not disrespect it. And the impossibility of KNOWING something entirely is a source of infinite creativity. I hope you understand this.
I'm still not sure of how to explain and fit in my belief that, even though you can't KNOW something entirely, you can FEEL it. Or him/her... It's a naive belief, perhaps, but I feel that, even though our senses are limited, there is a... way... special way, through which you can really be something else... someone else... oh and that sounds so beautiful to me... I'm such a romantic kid!
So, this is where my reasoning ends today, and here's another part of me heading out to you...
Friday, February 02, 2007
Myself
Have you ever had a Déjà vu?
Howdy y'all... I've put a new look on this blog, although I said I wouldn't. But, then again, I was lost. Now I might have found myself again, yet I'm confused. A bit. Funny, isn't it?
I also wrote about the design and about me a bit, check out the About me page.
Lately I've asked myself (over and over) Who am I?, and mostly Who am I for you? And I asked others as well. Gee, it's so nice to know that I'm constantly misjudged and misinterpreted by most people around me...
... but I'm sort of asking for it. It takes a long time for someone to get to know me (or at least to think so), and I always end up doing something new and apparently prove them wrong. Again. "I didn't think you were this way..."
This has simultaneously been my excess and my deficiency... a problem and a solution, ability and inability to recognize who I am, more in the eyes of others rather than my own. I know much of who I am, but others don't. I guess it's true for everyone, to some extent, that people see as much of who you are as possible, but almost never all. However, for me, it's weirder than that...
I suffer from Déjà vu (since I was very little), meaning I feel something happening now has previously taken place in the past, in a strange way. Those of you who have had any Déjà vu feeling at all know how it is like. When I was little I was very confused about this and nothing more - I just figured "hey, I must've dreamt about this before", or "this happened yesterday too", but I knew I couldn't exactly point out what it was that made me feel I had been there before, what triggered the feeling. For some periods of time I thought I was paranoid, or weird. There were weeks when I had a Déjà vu each day, which was amazing. Those weeks were golden for inspirational writing and thinking in general. I always thought Déjà vu's helped me figure out a lot of things about myself that otherwise would probably be unknown to me. A Déjà vu is not exactly like a revelation, even though it feels like that a bit. You're somewhere, sometime and a minor detail of what you're seeing, hearing, or feeling in any way triggers your brain - "this happened before", and you start detaching from reality...
... or at least that's how it works for me. And then I think and think, try to look back and remember: where did I stumble upon this again, what happened before that got me here... again. Again is the key word. Hence, with time, I desperately (well, not quite, but a bit) tried to figure out what made me have them, and I feel I've constantly gotten better at it. It's great. For one thing because some of the Déjà vu's revealed that I really had been there before (once I remember walking nearby a bus station with a friend, and a bus with a certain number passed by, which actually DID happen again, and the friend remembered that too), and for another thing I remember events that I dreamt about or places I've imagined previously, which I wouldn't have remembered otherwise. The Déjà vu can also be related to premonitions, since, if you feel that you've experienced something before, you could think you know how's the test you're going to take, or what will be the outcome of a challenge you're about to face. Indeed, I have taken a test which I had dreamt before, and it really didn't feel at all like I'm solving problems for the first time. I thought I remembered each answer instead of making it up, and after the test I really didn't remember what the questions were, but I did remember the answers.
As a matter of fact, it's important to point out my belief in Déjà vu's since it answers my question: Why am I this way?
Intense events that happened when I was a kid have a strong influence in my life now. In this case, it made me question the nature of life, reality, and reason. I believe I'm a very open minded person, and one of the other things that makes me... me is my belief that you can pretty much be any way you want. And the weird things I experienced when I was young make me treat weirder things that happen now with much more understanding. But they also make me much harder to understand in the eyes of others.
I've read on Wikipedia that "Many theorists believe that the memory anomaly occurs when one's conscious mind has a slight delay in receiving perceptive input. In other words, the unconscious mind perceives current surroundings before the conscious mind does. This causes one's conscious self to perceive something that is already in one's memory, even though it was in one's memory only a split second before it was perceived."
"the unconscious mind perceives ... before the conscious" - hey, that's exactly what happens to me! Or at least the scientific description of it. My unconscious mind... that sonds scary, it's something in me that I can't control... something in every human being. I'm dreaming, or I'm absent, and then I perceive and it unconsciously hits me... Thankfully, I don't seem to suffer from jamais vu! But I've experienced all three Déjà vu's: Déjà vécu, senti and visité (seen, felt or visited), each of them much more than once. For me 'felt' includes smelled, touched, tasted - all of them! And for most of the time I can remember when and where, or how come. Especially for the most recent ones, although it's been a while...
It's all part of being myself!
What does Déjà vu have to do with how others perceive me? Well, even without Déjà vu I have experienced and lived strange things. As I said in the About me, my life's not very unusual, it's just original, like everyone else's I guess. But I've met a lot of people and almost none of them intuited who I am right. This doesn't mean that they judged me wrong or I thought that they did, it only means they told me, or appeared to be surprised when they found out new things about me (what can I say, maybe I'm exciting, maybe not). Only a few intuited who I am, most of which are my friends. Another couple or so had an idea about parts of me... Well, I probably won't intuit who you are either, I'm just saying this so you can see how hardly ever people really know who you are...
So I have a question for you: How do you know you've found yourself?
It sounds like a basic question, yet I have a few issues I'd like you to consider:
1. Since you probably found yourself after an intense event that changed your life, and then see how the way you feel is so right and so much better than what you had before, you believe that this way is THE WAY to be and live. But how do you know there's no better way? And, isn't it possible that your inertia, your desire to remain where you already feel well, safe, and perhaps even happy - all these make you just not ask this question anymore?
2. Finding yourself often means knowing what you will do and make of your life further on, what's your character and what represents you. However, after a while of being the same self you end up knowing lesser and lesser about who you are. How do you keep in touch with yourself once, supposedly, you have found who you're supposed to be? Your need for certainty and knowledge of this certainty might undermine your ability to understand the new and the unknown. If you've found yourself and you're not changing that (well, at least not much), what's your relationship to you from now on? 'Cause if you've found your character, you've got to have a relationship to it, erm... him/her :) based on what? if you already know...
So I think maybe nobody really knows who he/she is, but just thinks so (in the best of cases; most people recognize they haven't found themselves). I'm beginning to believe that finding yourself is not a teenager-type-o' event, but rather a lifetime achievement, just like happiness... not a goal, but a path. What do you think?
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Giving up is hardest?
Alex Hitch Hitchens, from Hitch - the movie:
- One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just... one shot, to make the difference between happily ever after, and 'oh? he's just some guy I went to something with once.'
But what if we don't even get that?...
---
I had my chance, I lost it. I'm a dreamer. I have to wake up.
"Please wake up", she begged.
...But he won't wake up.
"Were you here all this time? Where were you?"
But he left. He left a long time ago.
"Were you ever here?"
He was not sure. But what he felt... was sure. The moment they met was still with him. The errors, the dreams, they had THAT something. They probably never understood each other, maybe they never will. He had hope...
"I shouldn't have left", he said like he was there. But he wasn't. "I'm not sure I deserve an explanation even."
She didn't cry. She was way past that.
They were far away. They weren't even understanding each other. They were strangers.
"I need to hear your voice", he said, "if there was anything we ever had worth anything, we should at least try to make sense of who we are now. I WAS with you, I WAS yours, you had me..."
She did. There were times when he forgot himself, times when she forgot herself. They were together. But she didn't want to think about anything anymore. She didn't hate him. She still felt something. Something... maybe hurt?
He always thought he knew her, he knew everything, but he was wrong. They were both wrong. Somehow, they only knew each other barely. And they lost touch. They were away. Far, far away...
But their love was real. "Everyone loves in their own way," he said, "and our love was real. You might be my someone. I'm acting crazy, I know. I ruined you, your life... with your help."
He did. She helped. She was far away, he didn't understand a thing. He couldn't even grasp what she felt, or who she was now.
"You said you had nothing before I came along. I'm not arguing for me here, but I did give you dreams, hope, love, faith. You gave me all those too. There might be everything wrong now, but my love for you was never stronger. You'd be surprised to realize how much people can do for love, you did much yourself... and we believe. Or believed...", he cried.
There was no hope. No way back. No. This was real. This was life. They were far, far away. She had rethought everything. Him too. He was always pushy, begging for her to come back, wanting her for his happiness no matter how harmful he was to her.
"We don't need to start over," he whispered, "that's not possible. You think I'm stupid, foolish, crazy? I asked myself if what I feel is THAT love, or something foolish, selfish, ... childish. You did love me differently. But what I feel is love too. Maybe I just didn't show you this love. I think I did, but you were looking for something else. What are you looking for? Why are you fooling yourself again? Why am I fooling myself again?"
She almost hated him. She knew one thing, though: she would never come back. Never. Yet he still seemed to think that she might. Was there no hope of this ever ending? Then she would end it herself.
"I'm not here as a kid anymore. I'm here as the grown-up. And I'm here believing that all this time we did so much wrong. But, see, what we had right, was our trio: love, hope, faith. Those which you have taught me about. We might have had them in different ways, but we did do everything together. I did share my life with you, I believed, I loved, I gave myself. You had a more mature view upon everything. You still do. Call me crazy, but that makes us even more meant to be: you lived your childhood with me. You learned to feel love with me. You wanted to love me this much. And I wanted to believe in you, I believe... that's why I'm so crazy. I can't see anything but happiness with you. But that's not just happiness for me... that's for us. For US. WE CRIED TOGETHER FOR HOW HAPPY WE WERE, for heaven's sake! And you're telling me I'm destroying you? We didn't know anything about anything before we met. We didn't know what would happen if I left, we didn't even know how to act. You were strong, you were yourself. I was strong, I was myself. I didn't make you be... You exhausted yourself, you tortured yourself, and I couldn't see. We should have just kept quiet about everything and should have just written letters to each other instead. Just talk on the phone maybe. We might have lived. But now... we're dead. And I'm telling you, I still love you, dammit! I LOVE YOU! Now, if there's anything still left in your heart, you won't think about us anymore. Maybe you don't already. I hope, I pray that one day you will see me again. That one day we will meet again and you will open your heart, because, God, baby, I'm crazy in love with you. I love you even more now... You are still my someone. You gave me strength to see myself through your eyes, and now feel like I'm going to die. Die, and love you..."
Now she hated him. Or...
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Nimic nou sub soare...
As I've been trying to say, I've started to post some things on another site (a couple of weeks ago actually): http://gewissen.wordpress.com
[RO] To address my Romanian readers, but not a last post:
Dragi cititori, cei care ati mai ramas in viata pe blogul meu anyways... Nu inchid blogul, nu am de ce. Doar m-am hotarat sa incep ceva mai... organizat, si dupa ceva experienta la bloguit m-am saturat sa tot schimb template-ul in incercarea de a gasi o imagine mai personala si calda a sitului. Oricum am schimbat-o mi s-a spus (si de cele mai multe ori am fost de acord) ca a devenit mai putin personala, mai rece. Asa ca scriu... in mai multe parti...
Azi a fost o zi in care am dat la o parte panza de sentimente, frustrari, si tensiune care s-a asternut de-a lungul lunilor mele Americane, si am vazut ceva mai mult din mine. Gauri, mici sau mari. Determinarea cu care am venit aici sa fac din lumea asta lumea mea si sa nu ma schimbe ea pe mine. Pare-mi-se (un cuvant special pt mine ce mai) ca am crescut putin. Am avut vise multe inainte sa vin, dar stiti ce? Am crescut. Si eu, si visele. Si visele nu erau doar ale mele. Si nici nu sunt. Sunt ale noastre... Nu am renuntat sa lupt, dar am invatat inca lucruri noi despre ce inseamna 'a lupta'. Viata mea imi cere mult mai multa maturitate decat credeam (ce surpriza). Multe din cele ce credeam ca sunt 'acceptabile' sau 'trecatoare' s-au dovedit a fi gresite, si nu doar pentru ca s-a schimbat locul unde ma aflu. Nu, chiar erau gresite. Trebuia sa vad asta. Azi, consemnez: cresc. Poate ce v-as ura eu voua daca ati spune acelasi lucru: nu uita sa pastrezi copilul din tine acolo unde el chiar era la locul lui...
Da, copilul vreau sa ramana in viata. Poate de asta tin la mine. Altfel, sunt doar un oarecare. Prin el am si realizat ca sunt in stare sa ma comport, in sfarsit, nu numai la modul "da-mi aia, vreau aia, nu vreau sa accept aia". Acum accept. Invat. Traiesc. Cresc.
Suntem liberi... si sunt momente cand cred ca pot vedea dincolo de toate pretextele, pot vedea... in realitatea mea. Si nu numai a mea... Dar ma vei recunoaste, voi fi acelasi din prima clipa, si mai mult. Nu te voi striga. Am invatat. Am acceptat.
Accept. Invat. Traiesc. Cresc. Cresc.
Si oare cui ii pasa de toate astea? Nu conteaza. Consemnez... pentru mine macar. Cu pasi mici, incet-incet... cu optimism sau nu... dar trebuie sa supravietuim, nu? Fiecare dintre noi. Oricat mi-as dori uneori sa pot face orice... Poate intr-o zi chiar o sa fac ceva pentru lumea asta. Pentru ceilalti... caci eu singur nu contez. Dar cresc. Cresc. Si invat. Accept. Traiesc... Pentru cine stie piesa de teatru, "Si fluturii sunt liberi"... vreau sa zbor si sa zambesc cu toata fiinta... Te salut, realitate! Bine-ai venit!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Happiness: just another proof of inertia?
I have a lot of things to talk about now. I'm not sure how and why now, and how come I have so many ideas, scrambled, again. It's strange, but, then again, I don't pretend to be/write as a normal person.
I feel that what I'm mostly gonna talk about has to do with happiness. And love. And self...
Hey, I can do whatever I want. I am in control of my own life. I can do it. I am FREE. I am able. And I can, I have the will, the strength, the power. I will not be afraid. I will not surrender to others. I will be self-reliant. I will show myself that I can do it. I will only hesitate where my heart has doubts; but when it doesn't, I will pursue. And succeed. I will not let myself be persuaded by other people using reason solely. Reason is not a means to happiness. I will stand up and represent myself, for if not I, then who? Yes, I can change the world. Yes, I can change myself. I will listen to the sounds the leaves make while falling on the earth. I will listen. I will be there when you need me, and nowhere else. I can speak for myself. I can think, and my thinking has value. I am a human being, not a puppet - and as little as that might mean, it's the best I can be: a human being...
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Each day we follow our own steps towards happiness... or so we might think. Just like me, there are others that think people do NOT, in fact, head for happiness. They might think they do... There's an article on CNN about this. Although not an exact view from my perspective, I found the article spoke about some important issues concerning happiness.
See, what we do is compromise ourselves in the quest for happiness. We don't even adventure much, so the word quest is not satisfied. Society shows us the wrong things! Happiness... where did we get the bright idea that to find happiness we should immitate the people around us? Are THEY happy? Truth is, we're not sure, for the most part, what happiness is. Just like society pushes us into the idea that a man with more than one woman is a "stud" or "macho", yet a woman with more men is a "slut" or "whore", so is the distorted image of happiness. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not.
As the article says, you can only tell how happy you are at the exact moment you are asked - and even that with some trouble. Interested of happiness at a wider scale? Check out this article to find out which is the happiest country!
The meaning of all this is just to get you thinking. I'm not trying to persuade you, the reader, into anything. I'm ... pointing out. I'm just a piece of writing, as the blog-header says. What my point is: we compromise ourselves in order to come closer to happiness - don't we? We believe certain things, and we are not happy, so then leave those beliefs because they weren't "making us happy". Or, we see people that are happy and immitate them. Or even not know what happiness is. Or we are sad (we have every right to be) and then pick up on just anything to be happy.
I'm not saying "be careful", I'm saying... check your pulse, go to your heart - ask yourself, not others: are you happy? Figure it out. Talk about it, or hide it - your best way... but if you really look, I'm sure that some of the things you think about happiness are not really based on any truth, least of all a truth that you have experienced. Most people say: You will know happiness when it hits you. And I think that's true. So, in my opinion, if you don't know when it hit you - you've probably never been happy.
Jump to love. Here's a piece that I quickly wrote a couple of days ago:
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I will love her all my life, no matter what happens. And, maybe, in a sense, for a first time, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS is as close to its true meaning as ever - EVERYTHING can happen, and I would still love her. And love will never hurt, not this love. Perhaps the longing, or the feeling of closeness and contempt - but LOVE, never! What hurts me - us - is not love. Love is not to blame for our have-nots.
I LOVE.
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The rest is... yet to come. But this will be a story someday, a story I hope to tell. For some reason, I feel I'm on a narrow path - sometimes on the edge, sometimes in the middle, safe - but narrow, working my way farther and farther away, praying, loving, hoping, living... Love.Hope.Faith. That's the trio!
Strangely enough, I feel like wishing good luck to all of you, all who are out there searching for that end of road, or for a spark that's missing... Probably has to do with happiness. It really is amazing, no, how we have evolved so much, yet happiness is not better known. At best it's not decreasing...
I have a story to tell. I hope, I pray, someday... I will be listend to. Until then, may all be well :)
