108

This is the anniversary of my 108th posting on this blog. As a special anniversary (more so than post 100 which I really didn't pay attention to), this post will make little to no sense, but as usual it should make you feel... something...

Sometimes I wonder how much I could *really* tell you.
#define you as generic you, the reader
I wish I could blurt out all of my thoughts into one posting.

I can't help wishing that I was an artist, doing all the things that artists do... (for which of course there is no stereotype *cough*)

I think I would like to do podcasts and videos here someday soon. But right now I'm struggling to find one single place to call my home(blog). I may just have to make it, like everything else in life...

But nothing's really perfect. It can be dangerously close to perfect even without any help, though.

After a little more writing and thinking (more of the latter), I find that what I wrote last time, in terms of goals, deserves a little rewriting. So my second goal becomes my first. It's really tough to find the perfect order even for only four goals!!! Damn it!

... anyway, I have my heart set on people now. School was almost never really hard (except for one year of my life - frosh in high school), and was rarely involving enough to make me feel that people are worth less (than learning). I think and feel that everyone else teaches me much more than I would learn by myself or through school. If you believe in yourself, and know who you are well enough, surrounding yourself with people could be one of the best decisions of your life. It was for me, and I plan to do it again.

... maybe I just got sick of loneliness.

I may have not blogged much for the past two years, but... Oh, I was just about to say that things have not changed that much, that I haven't really changed. But, truthfully, we all change more than it seems - it's just that we tend to notice the things that don't change, but we want to change, and also notice things that change, but we don't want to change. If the former dominates the latter, there we go: it feels that we haven't changed much.

And I find myself that way right now.
What had I hoped to achieve?
... I had hoped to make this place be my home. With the friends that I want, a very special girl, and a passion for learning. Well, I'm halfway there!
... I had hoped to be more of me in every way, and in a sense, I am. Now, more than before, because I understand that being more means, among other things, accepting more. Santa Cruz really teaches one to accept things :)

What do I want now?
I want to make someone really happy. Maybe because I want to show myself that I can do more than I think I'm capable of doing.
I want to show someone how lucky I feel.
I want to take charge of my life.
I want to feel motivated.
To appreciate what I have a little more, and to do that, all I need is to put more heart into it.
After all, there's no limit to how much you can give.

And life is full of wonderful surprises.

Here's a thought. Do something unusual everyday!

And I want my 108th post to be the first of a series that will start a wonderful new adventure of my life!

I think it's very sad that people compromise so much to have some kind of happiness. It's not *the* happiness. I'd still rather just live a horribly unstable life than settle for people that I can't be myself around fully. But not everyone has to be that way. In fact, I may be the one worse off, you know, with the going nuts from such a hectic life and all.

But it's got its perks. Living on the edge (of either yourself, the world, or both) is extremely rewarding. It's romantic, for one. Exciting. Unusual. Surprising. No room for disengagement. Scary.

Why don't I just challenge myself to find that life that I want directly?
I think it's most likely because I enjoy the search. 99% of happiness is seeking it - that's the answer.

And I love. And I am loved. Everyday, more and more.

I love the world. And some itsy bitsy part of it loves me back. But as tiny as that is, it's bigger than me in every. single. way.

Hug you, world! And let's toast for my 108! To a new life!