Some other times

How strange that only when you grow past a certain age you are capable of deluding yourself ... from your own self, for, perhaps, any amount of time.

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NOTE:
Before I start... storytelling, I have an announcement:
Because of, let's say, previous experiences, I would like to point out that, out of all my writings, only some match my beliefs, while others contain one or more of the following (or others not yet mentioned :D):
- random ideas that someone might think of - either someone in general or I hear them somewhere (and/or I picked up on from others, or from the daily life)
- thoughts against myself (which I do because I find it clears the mind marvelously; plus, it gets rid of some nasty prejudices, try it!)
- moody swings (I'm not a girl, but hey! guys still get moody!)
- what if's of my own but not that I necessarily believe

In summary, this is a "don't judge what you read as my own beliefs" kind of message. I do value someone's beliefs, and on a great account I feel closer to those people that believe in the same things I do (don't we all?) but because beliefs are beliefs and nothing more, it would be unfair to dismiss someone simply because of what they believe...

Have you ever tried to argue against what's most dear to you? You must know how hard it is, then. If you try to start an argument on something that you're sensitive to, try not being one sided about it! *sigh*

Alright, this was perhaps because I'm setting the grounds for a big controversial thingy. Now, back to the story...
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Getting busy with work.
Or school.
Hanging out with friends.
Listening to music, yelling it out loud.
Driving fast.
Writing about it. Not once, not twice.
Hope, hidden deep down - so well hidden that you don't even realize it's the first feeling you have in the morning; that along with the bittersweet taste of reality - that things will happen, someway or another, to make your dream come true.

You can't if you're a kid. How could a child lie to oneself? No, he couldn't!
It's like a sad story, that of growing up. You're born with this tiny mind and a huge huge heart. You learn so much, feel so much, everything that happens around you fires up your heart at first. You almost "love" or "hate" everything. But then you get older, and you stop feeling strongly about things. You realize that Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Or that your little pet didn't really go to Honolulu for the past 6 months. You come to know there are other people in this world, you become aware of them.
And so much else.
Gradually, slowly, you distance your mind from your heart. If you suffer, you pull away - IF you can. Then, even if you involve yourself again, you know you can pull back. And that's how it starts. When you're happy, you go for it! Again, and again... ah, and happiness makes everything most subjective.

We instinctively know when we're happy with our lives. Isn't it funny how you are so self-focused when you're happy? I don't mean to say self-centered. Or selfish. Happiness does not necessarily mean you're selfish. I think that depends on your attitude and beliefs, spiritual strength, will... stuff like that. Perhaps, to be more clear, I should make sense of the happiness I'm talking about: the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach (does it have to be love? I don't know), excites you from head to toe and almost forces you to get out of bed full of LIFE! Damn it! YES!
Hah! High five!

So, being self-focused is good. It's knowing you love your place in the world, yeah!
[...]
We might have happy moments, but we're not happy all the time. We might have an overall happy life, though, isn't that great?

The TV's turned on, right beside me. I skipped through the list of channels and saw "The Notebook" title right on there. I wanted to see it again.
I knew it'd take me back in time, back to memories. I knew I'd tend to advocate one thing or another after/while watching it. I went back and forth only to realize that having something to go back and forth for gives me strength. Having to face myself and enjoying it is something I have been long missing.

I'm happy. I'm happy! :)
It's evanescent, probably, but I feel happy.
Feels like that quote:
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz

I saw "The Shape of Things" yesterday. It's now one of my top movies ever! I'd strongly recommend it to anyone... The movie forces so many questions out of oneself that I can't even begin to say why one should see it! Seduction, truth, art, change, superficiality, what love is... what's real versus what is not.

Scraps of a bigger picture...

"Do I really have to make sense?"
"Meh. Only if you want to..."
"Good. Cause I don't want to right now."
*nods*
Really complex. I know.

I love playing the piano! Just can't wait for that holiday time so I could do it all I want... Fur Elise, sing it with me! (Was he really deaf?)

Oh, speaking of selfishness, I thought of altruism and generosity, about how much one tends to postpone it for later (aka typically when one can do it wholeheartedly and meaningfully), and how one ends up not doing it at all...

I'm going to go dream now :)
It's almost one.
Thinking of you... dear to me... here's a special felt thought reaching out to you!

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Driving... home

I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.

I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.

The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...

Ah, childhood memories...

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meet ... uhm ... someone

I just saw "Meet Joe Black". My head's full of ideas. It hurts. I can't get them all out but I'll go with the flow.

What's it like to live knowing when you'll die?
Would you perhaps go to that girl and tell her, with your voice trembling: "Hey, I was waiting for you. I have to tell you something before I chicken out and never say it: I think... you're... I think you're the most... you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen"
"Why thank you", she would say, and then maybe, just maybe, you won't run out on her because you're too emotional to say something else.

Or you might go to that girl and say "Can I see you again?"
And then she'd say something like "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", with a not-so-happy face, just so you won't take it as worst as possible...

Wish I could set my mind free. Wish I could sleep without the continuous racking in my head, the random pieces of thoughts and feelings that just don't let me be one... whole...
I am me. I behave like me. I'm wishing, dreaming, feeling, living... just not entirely where I am, yet. Some parts of me are... scattered.

And that's why you're here.
You'll help me come back together. You'll say things to me that nobody else would say. And I'll tell you anything, cause you're not like anyone else.

There are times in life when you have to stop and deal with yourself. Leave everyone else alone, not burden them with yourself and finally go, do it, be you, on your own, take life by the hand and walk beside it.
"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry"

It's easy. Leave things to rest for a while. And remember what you were thinking: if you hadn't had it, you wouldn't be so sad to have lost it. And don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And nothing's ever over. And love is something you must never lose your faith in. And hope dies last, it's what gets you out of bed each morning. And courage is the mastery of fear. And you want to leave this Earth with no regrets. And... it's a wonderful world! Carpe diem! Don't worry, be happy!

Don't overburden yourself! Take it easy. Clear your head. Write here... write here, take a break. Write all you wish to write, to whomever you wish to write, here, if you can. Take a break.

I'm not discouraged, I just hate feeling behind on feeling. That sounds circular, but what it means is that I'd rather feel okay with everything, and I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure how to be, except by letting it all flow. And this is how it flows...

Welcome, to a new post. First? Last? Probably not.
Welcome, to a new step forward, hopeful, more loving, more honest, and... happier.

I'll be back.

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this time i turn to you

I haven't been here in a long time. Very long time.
I have friends.
I am in love.
I have parents. Relatives.
People I could talk to. Relate to. Feel close to. That could help me with my problems, or at least make me feel better. But right now I don't want any of that.
Do I want to be like a rock or what? I dunno, but this time, the reason I feel like talking to you is... cause you only have to listen. Don't say anything. It's a diary.
Now I turn to you.

Hi.
I'm Paul.
I've been thinking too much about too many. Or too little. Forgot who I am? Not exactly, though I don't feel perfectly at home either.
Yeah, I'm more self-sufficient now, that's the least I can tell. I've just read in a book that men tend to go solve other problems or do things to help'em forget their problems if they've in a difficult situation. And, for 6 months or so...

I've been feeling the urge to live through exciting stuff, taste extreme tastes, drive faster, take on challenges - in short, live more intensely than ever. Is this me, or is this just someone I'm trying to be to help me cope with all the changes I'm going through?
There's no help in this. I just know there isn't. I have to try it and see where it leads me. Cause nobody knows it better than me.
I've had a wonderful summer, though with a lot of mistakes.
And, as I write this, I keep thinking of the people that would read it. My friends. My love. People I love. What would they think, feel, say, ... ?
I've got so many ambitions for this following year. Can I make it? I feel disorganized. Like I should take some time off and figure out my priorities.

So, here I go.
Philosophy. Definitely.
Math. For sure.
CS. Of course.
English. Writing. Reading. Culture in general. Indispensable.
Love. Friends. Family. Girlfriend. Having faith in love. Essential.
Experimenting new things. Expect the unpredictable, in a way. It's part of me.
Doing something that matters. Something to put my heart in.

I'm changing. I already have changed. I've stopped relying on someone else so much. Actually, I didn't need someone else that much, but I wanted to. The truth is that I want someone to live my life with. Even at my age. I do. Really. And having someone, loving someone, being with someone and being happy is wonderful, for me. And it's a challenge, which I also like.
My friends give me a sense of self and my life partner gives me happiness. It's true - I could be happy with just living a lovely life with someone. But I am much more with all you guys. To be the most of me, I need a lot, but just to be me, I don't. Subtle difference, can you see it?
And I've got so much to do, so I hope that will keep me from being sad.
I love so many people. And I felt so troubled without them last year. My home is still not here, but, this time, I plan on making a home out of myself, grabbing on to life and making the most out of every opportunity. Putting heart in all of it. Calming down, in a way, releasing the stress. Yet also keeping that -live it to the max- feeling.

I'll be back to write more, soon. Perhaps I'll rearrange this blog a bit.

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One of those moods

Wednesday
I'm at school. I'm just in one of those moods after the philosophy course. As I was listening to the teacher lecturing us on Francisco Romero's philosophy...

He also got into Kierkegaard, Derrida, Descartes, Husserl, Hegel, etc.
Kierkegaard said "Subjectivity is untruth".
Quote
Subjectivity, inwardness, is the truth. Is there a still more inward expression for this? Yes, there is. If subjectivity is seen as the truth, we may posit the opposite principle: that subjectivity is untruth, error. Socratically speaking, subjectivity is untruth if it fails to understand that subjectivity is truth and desires to understand itself objectively. But now we are presupposing that subjectivity in becoming the truth has a difficulty to overcome in as much as it is in untruth. So we must work backwards, back to inwardness. Socratically, the way back to the truth takes place through recollection, supposing that we have memories of that truth deep within us.
EndQuote
- from here

In the analysis of truth, Romero discusses the psychism: intentional and pre-intentional. This got me thinking about the implications of philosophy itself, for some reason, and I questioned myself: "Why do I enjoy every course so much?" What I found is that philosophy offers a perspective to interpret everything around it. Like a series of schemes, each designed to interpret and justify that interpretation of reality. Obviously, the way we conceive the world is crucial in our attitude towards is. Such as I have sort of decided to take as many philosophy courses as I can afford, and read as much of it as I can. Hopefully I'll stand by this decision and I'll make it a rule to read philosophy whenever I've got time.

Though I already found my way, I'm at a point in my life when everything is confusing due to the horrendous number of meanings I can find. Now that I know my way, I am open to any thinking, I'm looking for the surroundings of my path, so to speak, looking for what I'm supposed to be looking for in my journey. I want to recognize what I'm interested in, and for this, philosophy is the best means. Realizing this, I'm slowly shifting some of my attention from the scientific evolution perspective to the philosophical perspective, a.k.a. our humble existence on Earth.

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Thursday
Okay, now I'm home. And I could write forever. I've managed to let out what I've forcefully held in for so long it was almost bursting out of me. And I feel so much better. Yet I still need to write, more and more. When will it end?

Yesterday I read in philosophy how after an object exists for a certain period of time, and people observe it, attribute meaning to it, make it part of their culture - then the object gains an existence in itself. That's another way to express the power of creation in human beings - amazing!

It's so wonderful to learn how to feel again after a time when you were numb. The best things in my life always happened after a very depressing, boring, or monotonous period of time. Maybe best in contrast would be the right way to call it, though I'm pretty sure that fate made it such that those great times were also very great in themselves...
I've got so many thoughts and in such a random order. Yep, that's me. Always confusing my reader without the intention to do so. Let me see...

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It's funny how it takes so much work to close your heart, and a single second can open it up again.
The life within our soul is much more than life. We, as human beings, are capable of things that we can barely understand...

And maybe some of you dislike or misjudge this difference I point out between mind and soul. Maybe you think of the human being as just mind. Or mind and heart (well, where the soul is, although not exactly). Or mind, soul/heart, and spirit. Or just spirit. Whichever way, think of the soul as the part of you that feels and travels through those feelings. The spirit is somehow more general and rather not contained within ourselves, usually regarded as a guardian or a presence above our heads maybe. The mind is the easiest of all, right?

...So, I was saying, our soul is capable of much more than our mind thinks. The secret is (listen to this one) to not take yourself seriously. Every time you make a big fuss about the sudden feeling you've had, you're probably going to fail to understand it. Why is that?
It's interesting to notice that over involvement, tumultuous activity inside of yourself makes you feel so much alive (in the sense that time passes so much slower), but it also makes you see less of the actual soul you possess. Most of the times when you try to think about what you're feeling, you're practically looking for signs and question your heart about what it's doing. Blah blah blah, why are you feeling like this and that?

Want to know a secret? That's not the way to do it! Whenever you would like to understand yourself and your feelings better, open your heart to the "what if" and just put your mind aside, observe what your heart does, what it feels. Follow it.
Of course that may sound absurd. I mean, where's myself if I follow my heart? Is the heart its own entity? No. Of course not. The heart is the nucleus of our deepest feelings and our intricate design always ends with it. It's the center of our inner life and as long as you listen to it - the heart, a part of yourself which you cannot completely control (even though you'd so much like to, sometimes) - you will not just be happy, you will know thyself, what you represent, which way is your wind blowing and what to expect. Since, with evolution, human beings have gotten so complex, it is predictable to see that now so few people understand their hearts and get to think "hey, screw the heart, I can do so much more with my mind." No, you can't. You can control the heart more than the mind, yes. But that only means that others can do so in your place too. What do you make of that? If you like to be in control, you have to learn how to communicate with yourself. Because, just as you can't force someone else to feel, think or do something, you can't force yourself, or at least not without losing what you once had. Being in control is a good thing only if you don't cross some certain boundaries. If you're trying to control everything, even if it's just about yourself, you're not doing very well.
Let's put it this way. Can you recreate yourself? No! God can. God gave you these complex heart and mind to deal with, so unless you're God, you better get used to the idea that you're not almighty. No, only God is omnipotent. Hence, stop trying to have everything under control, you will almost certainly fail, every time. Knowing yourself is not an act of being bossy, of challenging yourself and following your own orders. You have to agree with yourself, to love yourself, to be patient with yourself and care about your own existence. It's also all part of what the society nowadays tends towards - freedom of the individual. If other times it was more important for groups to be free, now the focus lies on the individual: same-sex marriages, more rights for every citizen, equality, freedom of opinion, acceptance, and the list can go on (I just don't read the news:D)...
Care for yourself.

I just recently found out that the one girl in this world right for me will be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard to find. And to get. And to keep. And the reason I believe all that is because she has to have a couple of things that 99.9999999 of the people in this world don't have. She has to be capable of love, and understand how much that means and how much a part of oneself it becomes once present. She has to be able to live without me. She has to believe in me, at least half of how much I believe in her. She has to believe in love. And in people. She has to love people. And the world. I'm not even gonna start with the smart, cute, and adorable kinda things.
And then, I'd really really want her to have long hair. Love walks in the park, rain, snow, sunsets and sunrises; she should know how to be a kid but be able to act as an adult, and capable of doing the right things when the situation calls for it. She should be selfish enough not to let me go without a last kiss, and selfless enough to tell me everything she feels even if it hurts me like hell. She is everything. Have I already met her? I don't know. How do you know when you've met the girl of your life? You don't. You just feel it... I guess that relates to what I wrote above... I feel it now and I hope that she will stay.

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Friday
I'm just in one of those moods when I don't know what the next word I type will be. It just comes straight out. Here. And here. And here. Wow. That's fast. That's me... thinking... How fast could I be thinking? Sometimes when I wrote something I was so inspired that I knew, ahead with a few paragraphs, what I was going to write. I was so desperately concentrated on what I was writing because I didn't want to forget that last paragraph. It was the key scene. The thing of the things. Here, now, I have no plan. I'm just hoping this goes somewhere.

The way I figure it, someday, somehow, I will re-read my writings and - cling! - I'll have THE IDEA. The idea of a best-seller. THE BOOK I've always wanted to write but never before did. Gosh, I pray I'm right. Speaking of praying, I believe in God more and more lately. Could God be an entity that life teaches you exists, and those who don't believe in Him just ignore the signs? It's a definite possibility. Signs. I believe in signs too. They're not coincidences. It's all part of the reason you have to be patient with yourself, spend time and care about your inner being. Yet I'm always open to your point of view. So tell me, don't be silent. Silence is not golden on my blog.

Did I forget who I am? I think not. It doesn't feel like I did. But why, then, do I have trouble remembering what I thought yesterday? Wait. I lost my trail of thoughts. I forgot. I was going to write about a lot of things and now it just feels like I've only one thing to talk about. L - O - V - E.

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What do you see when you see what I see? What do you see when I see what you see?

This picture makes me shiver. It's called "Don't be afraid little girl", and I'm the type who gives credit, so, I got it from here, by MessedUpMind.
That's what I thought about a lot lately. The fear. Of life. Of distances. Of obstacles. What's fear, anyway? Can we defeat it? Some famous quote says "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." (Mark Twain) Fear is what? Not understanding? Not believing in yourself? Not thinking ahead? Most of the times you are not wrong to believe in yourself. You are wrong to believe in things blindly. If you're blind about yourself, you might be wrong. But don't be. Stare at yourself in the mirrow. What do you see? Are you afraid, little girl? Or little boy. This picture has so much meaning, I don't even need to tell you anthing else. You can see for yourself, in yourself, can't you? (whadda ya know, the title of my blog)

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No matter how confused I am, I've still learned something today. A lot of things. Right now I'm just thinking about one. Concerning myself. I've found a new passion: I want to meet, know, and understand people. Another disturbing discovery, for what could I be? A shrink? A therapist? I feel not only I can help people and understand them, but I can relate to most of them as well. I can bond with someone in a few minutes. And, whatever you're thinking, no, it does not imply any lying, cheating, or pretending. I've just been through a lot. At least, for my age. And I think this, somehow, states the new future of youngsters. They will have to deal with more and more, grow up faster, live as kids for a longer period of time. I think this is already happening in the US, more than anywhere else perhaps. People here all seem very young, at heart, so un-challenged. It's like they haven't yet had to deal with the hardships that other people have had to fight through.
It's sad, if you ask me, all people having to grow up faster. And work. Assume responsibilities. More and more countries in the world are beginning to employ teens for easy jobs. And even hard ones. I don't think that is right... I think we're trying to accelerate the world towards something we don't even know yet, and submitting our young to such a risk is not only irresponsible, but foolish, stupid, and unfair. Why should they have to go through all that? Why should the adult individual have increasingly more free time and the youngsters have less and less? Think about it, what's the best time of your life? Your 50's? I doubt it. At least for most people. But, anyway, this is a very big issue... too much to talk about just on a simple blog post. The pressures on the teenager nowadays are huge. Read Christoph Dufosse's Sfarsitul Orelor (L’heure de la sortie, School’s out) to get a picture of it. A strange picture of it.

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I want to learn. I want to master three wholly different areas. I want to be... as close to THE TRUTH as I can be. Yet that is not what I desire. I believe in love. And as long as I can, I will fight for it. Sure, there might be times when I give up, times when I can't handle THE TRUTH as a whole, when I only choose one side, like most of us humans do, and live with it, for a while. But, see, I think it's best to realize as much of anything as you can. To be able to accept someone else's interpretation. To really put your heart into it, and try to see it not only through the other's eyes, but through his mind and heart as well. To believe in the other like he was yourself. That's how Kant said we should treat others anyway, isn't it? As "ends in themselves, not as means to an end." How many times do you hear the phrase "Oh, if only someone could see it like I see it", "if only someone could see it through my eyes." It=life, love, the ocean, the sunset, the world, the passion, the excitement, the smell or taste even. How many times have you wished someone could live inside of you for a while and see everything through your eyes?
To me, really knowing and understanding something means knowing as many sides of its truth as possible. Yes. And then living it. And, pratically, you can never know every side => You can never know the truth. Which reminds me of a quote:
"1. Never tell everything at once." (Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life).
You can never know everything. The truth. But you can feel it. That's how we're made, I think, to understand life better by living it, feeling it, being every moment. But that's not carpe diem. It's all part of being crazy responsibly. Doing what you do and not forgetting yourself along the way. And your responsibilities. And your beliefs. Your top three. Mine? Love, hope, faith (these three words have changed my life).

I am alive. And I am so glad to be alive that I can't actually describe it. What have I done today? Facts, there are so few I can barely count them. (Which reminds me, funny. Do you think that counting up to three is done so rarely that you'd actually have to think a bit to remember how to do it? I can't remember the last time I counted.) But what I realized is an entirely different thing. I am so glad to be in my shoes right now. I love the Universe. And how it works. And how lucky I am. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to have stories to tell, and now I think I do. I have the story of my life, which is very beautiful to me, and that is enough. I thank God for this day. I thank God for this story. And I thank you for being a part of it. This is so exciting! Oh wow!

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I've thought about doing some pretty wacky things. And now's the perfect time to think and talk about them again. I wanna try bungee jumping. I wanna try sky diving. Scuba diving too, maybe. I wanna jump using a parachute. Drive at 200 miles per hour. Make love on an airplane. Visit an ice-water hotel (that is, a hotel made of ice). Ski. Pop a really big balloon. See a shark live. Spend a night on the bottom of Grand Canyon. Shoot with a bow and arrow. Be hypnotized. Kiss upside down. French. Jump from the second floor (or as high as possible without hurting myself). Eat on someone else's body, heh. Tear clothes. Sleep in a cave. Watch the rain lying down, on the ground. See an avalanche. Hug a tree - this one I did, but I'd do it again. Build a really big snowman. There's also a couple of weird things I'd like to try. And also some things with meeting people. I love to see people's reactions to what I do, and I mean that not in a "hey lemme test this bomb on this guy" way, but in a "i feel like being this way now" way. Get it? There's so much I can barely stop. I wanna try myself. Challenge myself. Prove myself that I can do so much. And that's not just for me. Right now, it's not just for me. But I want to be my own entity, even if I feel I depend on someone else. We all do, I think. Being happy is not a consequence of self-sufficiency. And, anyway, most people are not sufficient to themselves. If they were, they wouldn't need anything or anyone else in the world. Wow, not even things! Who can be that self-absorbed?

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I wish I could write a poem now. But I think I will go dream, instead. Dream of a beautiful world. And remember who I am. And why I'm here. And what I can do. I wanna be alive, so much alive! And I'll keep discovering who I am through philosophy. And life, and dreams. It's all too much now, but time will take care of me. It sure will...

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Wanna read some Romanian language posts about time? See this.

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Myself

Have you ever had a Déjà vu?

Howdy y'all... I've put a new look on this blog, although I said I wouldn't. But, then again, I was lost. Now I might have found myself again, yet I'm confused. A bit. Funny, isn't it?
I also wrote about the design and about me a bit, check out the About me page.

Lately I've asked myself (over and over) Who am I?, and mostly Who am I for you? And I asked others as well. Gee, it's so nice to know that I'm constantly misjudged and misinterpreted by most people around me...

... but I'm sort of asking for it. It takes a long time for someone to get to know me (or at least to think so), and I always end up doing something new and apparently prove them wrong. Again. "I didn't think you were this way..."
This has simultaneously been my excess and my deficiency... a problem and a solution, ability and inability to recognize who I am, more in the eyes of others rather than my own. I know much of who I am, but others don't. I guess it's true for everyone, to some extent, that people see as much of who you are as possible, but almost never all. However, for me, it's weirder than that...

I suffer from Déjà vu (since I was very little), meaning I feel something happening now has previously taken place in the past, in a strange way. Those of you who have had any Déjà vu feeling at all know how it is like. When I was little I was very confused about this and nothing more - I just figured "hey, I must've dreamt about this before", or "this happened yesterday too", but I knew I couldn't exactly point out what it was that made me feel I had been there before, what triggered the feeling. For some periods of time I thought I was paranoid, or weird. There were weeks when I had a Déjà vu each day, which was amazing. Those weeks were golden for inspirational writing and thinking in general. I always thought Déjà vu's helped me figure out a lot of things about myself that otherwise would probably be unknown to me. A Déjà vu is not exactly like a revelation, even though it feels like that a bit. You're somewhere, sometime and a minor detail of what you're seeing, hearing, or feeling in any way triggers your brain - "this happened before", and you start detaching from reality...

... or at least that's how it works for me. And then I think and think, try to look back and remember: where did I stumble upon this again, what happened before that got me here... again. Again is the key word. Hence, with time, I desperately (well, not quite, but a bit) tried to figure out what made me have them, and I feel I've constantly gotten better at it. It's great. For one thing because some of the Déjà vu's revealed that I really had been there before (once I remember walking nearby a bus station with a friend, and a bus with a certain number passed by, which actually DID happen again, and the friend remembered that too), and for another thing I remember events that I dreamt about or places I've imagined previously, which I wouldn't have remembered otherwise. The Déjà vu can also be related to premonitions, since, if you feel that you've experienced something before, you could think you know how's the test you're going to take, or what will be the outcome of a challenge you're about to face. Indeed, I have taken a test which I had dreamt before, and it really didn't feel at all like I'm solving problems for the first time. I thought I remembered each answer instead of making it up, and after the test I really didn't remember what the questions were, but I did remember the answers.

As a matter of fact, it's important to point out my belief in Déjà vu's since it answers my question: Why am I this way?
Intense events that happened when I was a kid have a strong influence in my life now. In this case, it made me question the nature of life, reality, and reason. I believe I'm a very open minded person, and one of the other things that makes me... me is my belief that you can pretty much be any way you want. And the weird things I experienced when I was young make me treat weirder things that happen now with much more understanding. But they also make me much harder to understand in the eyes of others.

I've read on Wikipedia that "Many theorists believe that the memory anomaly occurs when one's conscious mind has a slight delay in receiving perceptive input. In other words, the unconscious mind perceives current surroundings before the conscious mind does. This causes one's conscious self to perceive something that is already in one's memory, even though it was in one's memory only a split second before it was perceived."
"the unconscious mind perceives ... before the conscious" - hey, that's exactly what happens to me! Or at least the scientific description of it. My unconscious mind... that sonds scary, it's something in me that I can't control... something in every human being. I'm dreaming, or I'm absent, and then I perceive and it unconsciously hits me... Thankfully, I don't seem to suffer from jamais vu! But I've experienced all three Déjà vu's: Déjà vécu, senti and visité (seen, felt or visited), each of them much more than once. For me 'felt' includes smelled, touched, tasted - all of them! And for most of the time I can remember when and where, or how come. Especially for the most recent ones, although it's been a while...
It's all part of being myself!

What does Déjà vu have to do with how others perceive me? Well, even without Déjà vu I have experienced and lived strange things. As I said in the About me, my life's not very unusual, it's just original, like everyone else's I guess. But I've met a lot of people and almost none of them intuited who I am right. This doesn't mean that they judged me wrong or I thought that they did, it only means they told me, or appeared to be surprised when they found out new things about me (what can I say, maybe I'm exciting, maybe not). Only a few intuited who I am, most of which are my friends. Another couple or so had an idea about parts of me... Well, I probably won't intuit who you are either, I'm just saying this so you can see how hardly ever people really know who you are...

So I have a question for you: How do you know you've found yourself?
It sounds like a basic question, yet I have a few issues I'd like you to consider:
1. Since you probably found yourself after an intense event that changed your life, and then see how the way you feel is so right and so much better than what you had before, you believe that this way is THE WAY to be and live. But how do you know there's no better way? And, isn't it possible that your inertia, your desire to remain where you already feel well, safe, and perhaps even happy - all these make you just not ask this question anymore?
2. Finding yourself often means knowing what you will do and make of your life further on, what's your character and what represents you. However, after a while of being the same self you end up knowing lesser and lesser about who you are. How do you keep in touch with yourself once, supposedly, you have found who you're supposed to be? Your need for certainty and knowledge of this certainty might undermine your ability to understand the new and the unknown. If you've found yourself and you're not changing that (well, at least not much), what's your relationship to you from now on? 'Cause if you've found your character, you've got to have a relationship to it, erm... him/her :) based on what? if you already know...

So I think maybe nobody really knows who he/she is, but just thinks so (in the best of cases; most people recognize they haven't found themselves). I'm beginning to believe that finding yourself is not a teenager-type-o' event, but rather a lifetime achievement, just like happiness... not a goal, but a path. What do you think?

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Life. Death. Big deal!

Meet my friend Anti-Paul. He will take you through a short journey today, as he has begged me to let him speak for himself. He's... different:

Speak to me. Say something. Don't act deaf, I know you can hear...
I think we're sick and tired of the same things. We're sick and tired of being told "Be good", "act like this", "it's wrong to do that", blah blah. Now, we act stupidly, crazily... we think we want freedom, or represent it. Or, if not that, then some form of non-conformity - refusal to follow the fashion. The path. Ha. Haha.

Whether you have dropped by this post for fun, looking for something to catch your eye, or are just "passing by" because you're bored, I am not going to meet your expectations. I am not gonna do anything good for you - and you know why? Because you're not expecting that. And who am I to exceed your expectations?
If you say you're not to be impressed, I am not gonna do that. What do you want from me? Why do you read these lines anyway? Don't you have a life to go to? Please, do that. Don't listen to what I have to say. You're probably not listening to what politics has to say, or, if you're an adolescent, to what your parents have to say. Why me?
I don't have anything to say. Not to you! "If I have something to say I'll keep it to myself. I know I can say it. I don't need you to show me that."

---

We use technology everyday. Have you a mobile phone? Perhaps. A computer? I'm guessing that's how you can read this. Internet? Wow. Probably this page gets to you through sattelite if you're not in the US. Wow. Do you even know how that works? What if the guy who invented the internet kept the idea to himself? Should he have decided not to share. He could've said "I know I can do it. I don't need you to show me that" or, perhaps, "I'll do it when I feel like it".

---

What if the devil wants to share his loneliness with you? Are you gonna offer to keep him company? He's gonna say "help me". Will you?
Would helping the devil kill him or make him stronger? Guess who came up with that?
"What does not kill me, makes me stronger." - Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888
Did you even know that he said that? I didn't, before.

Have you seen the movie Hellboy?
You should if you haven't.
---

What do you want? Do you want to feel shocked?
If you're a boy/man I might think you'd like to read some erotic shocking description that a girl has. Girls are curious too, you know, when they grow up. If you wanna read some nice and honest confessions, read Anne Frank's "Diary of a Young Girl"(Wikipedia reference). It's short and ... it's sweet.
Quote
Each time I have a period - and that has only been three times - I have the feeling that in spite of all the pain, unpleasantness, and nastiness, I have a sweet secret, and that is why, although it is nothing but a nuisance to me in a way, I always long for the time that I shall feel that secret within me again.
Sis Heyster also writes that girls of this age don't feel quite certain of themselves, and discover that they themselves are individuals with ideas, thoughts and habits. After I came here, when I was just fourteen, I began to think about myself soonar than most girls, and to know that I am a "person". Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night, I have a terrible desire to feel my breasts and to listen to the quiet rhythmic beat of my heart.
EndQuote
For a short excerpt go here, it's the best I could find.
Don't you get the feeling that you're an intruder? That you're not wanted between these honest private lines of writing? Told you that you should go, leave this page, but you wouldn't listen. When do you ever listen?

---

Yesterday I had a strange desire to look for where OK comes from. See this link!

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I need a hug.

---

Are we really so alone in this world? Do you feel that the person closest to you HAS you in his/her life? I mean, by that, do you feel inside of that person? Or do you feel as just a pleasant nice guy with whom he/she likes hanging out? Is it or is it not about you?
...
...
...
We are much more alone than we think.

---

But there are also many more people with whom you wouldn't be alone. However, you have or will mijudge them - if you ever meet them even.
Isn't this world cruel?

---

We are not supposed to be happy all the time. Why, even according to Christianity! How come?
Should we be?
Does the idea of happily-ever-after tempt you? It doesn't work for me. Wouldn't eternal happiness be boring? Haha. Sad, but true. Happy is sad, how's that a paradox for you?

Read the previous post on Eternal Recurrence for a bit more about this (here).

---

If a stranger of opposite sex (presumably) approached you and said "I love you" would you believe it? How would you react?

(Possible reader thought (PRT): Why ask something useless like this?)

Can you reach the loudest yell? Can't you always yell louder?

(PRT: Or like this! Even more useless!)

Imagine a longtime-desired-kiss-of-your-dreams! (PRT: Yey!) Now, if that doesn't lift up your spirit, if that doesn't make you happy, it should make you very sad. You are lonely, or suffering, perhaps?
If neither happens, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Haha. See, I like that, I'm telling you what to feel. Hate me. (PRT: Okay)

---

Is all a human being wishe for that sense of ... connection, understanding... chemistry, with another entity?
What do you think?

Speak to me. Say something. Don't act deaf, I know you can hear...
I think we're sick and tired of the same things. We're sick and tired of being told "Be good", "act like this", "it's wrong to do that", blah blah. (PRT: I think I've read this before. H(u)mmm :-?)

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Little obsessions

What? You've never had them?

So... what makes me weird?
Well, if you're out there on the streets, and we meet, I'll probably look at you. In your eyes. For color? Nay. I like faces... and I love to feel. Faces are the parts of the human body that make me feel most. And, since I'm straight, it works better with girls' faces.

I've listened to two of the Pussycat Dolls' songs today - "Beep", and "Don't cha". There's something funny in them, and something true. In a way, the best way to put this is in Bloodhoung Gang lyrics - "we are nothing but mammals". And, we have to admit that, in a sense, a part of us always desires things that seem strange to the other part. In support of this statement (ooooh, look how fancy I argue) I quote Kierkegaard (funny how every time I feel like writing something, there's a "coincidence" in what I've read to quote from): "Generally speaking, the imperfection in everything human is that its aspirations are achieved only by way of their opposites. I shall not discuss the variety of formations, which can give a psychologist plenty to do (the melancholy have the best sense of the comic, the most opulent often the best sense of the rustic, the dissolute often the best sense of the morel, the doubter often the best sense of the religious), but merely call to mind that it is through sin that one gains a first glimpse of salvation." - No comment. Author: Soren Kierkegaard, Either/Or (chapter "Diapsalmata")

Don't we wish, somehow, that the childhood obsessions about stuff... the impression of the first child we've "made friends" with, or the first peck-kiss, or the first look of a girl/boy, or the first time you combed/brushed your hair. Oh gee! How can you not desire a glimpse of childhood heaven back? Wouldn't you like someone to lift you off your feet, over and over again? We're all lucky if we find that someone - and we probably should hold on tight. The warmth of another, and the memory of that warmth, means more and more, brings you closer to that glimpse of heaven...

I don't know, I'm kinda the company-type, I need someone by my side, with whom to share my feelings. I have people, and I have words. I feel it gives my life a meaning - to be able to feel the way I can/cannot dream of, and have someone else with me to prove it. Maybe, somehow, by myself I'm not sure that the truth is ... real. It's like two truths are better than one.

Yes. Kierkegaard again, same work: "The most beautiful time is the first period of falling in love, when, from every encounter, every glance, one fetches home something new to rejoice over."
I have a quote in one of the polls - it says "To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven" - Karen Sunde
(picture on the left from here)

And again, Kierkegaard: "I have, I believe, the courage to doubt everything; I have, I believe, the courage to fight against everything; but I do not have the courage to acknowledge anything, the courage to possess, to own, anything. Most people complain that the world is so prosaic that things do not go in life as in the novel, where opportunity is always favorable. I complain that in life it is not as in the novel, where one has hardheaded fathers and nisses and trolls to battle, and enchanted princesses to free. What are all such adversaries together compared with the pale, bloodless, tenacious-of-life nocturnal forms with which I battle and to which I myself give life and existence." Indeed, IF ONLY we could imagine the real world!

But, say that we could. Wouldn't it be impossible for things to be as we desire? I think so. We are merely NOT FACING THE WORLD. And, under the pressure of everyday life, I don't blame you. But we have to try, again and again... ah, life is so unfair.

(picture from here)

We are strange. Watch Ally McBeal. Think of democracy - it's stupid. It's false for you, whoever you are; but at least it's true for the rest. Another way to say this is ... everyone in power claims it is democracy, everyone undermined claims it is not.

We should know we have strange desires. Read Freud, kiss a tree, watch a raindrop fall, run naked through your house, stare at yourself in the mirror, be surprised by how/who you are, break a glass, jump through fire, open your eyes underwater even if they hurt, rock yourself until you're deaf, make a hat out of a watermelon. What? What? WHAAAT? Maybe I haven't said enough, but you get the point. And if I would have gone on, I probably could say now: "I'm sure there's one thing in this list that you did or thought about doing" - because we are weird! We have to accept that.
I mean, of course, we should also get acquainted with our weird desires, so that we know what to expect, or what to warn others to expect :D. But... part of being is accepting. Or at least understanding... We might all differ at some points, but we are human beings. And, to some extent, we shouldn't be ashamed or trying to hide our ... secrets, from everyone, all the time. Be they fetishes, phobias, or any other kind of obsession... we all have some, one way or the other. And the stressing life we lead helps them increase in number and intensity... we want relief, peace... happiness, each of us in a personal form.

(picture from here)

This excerpt is from my Engl1A course, a free writing based on a single word ("WITNESS"):
"I'm reading a book now, it's called 'London transports', written by Maeve Binchy. I've read another one of hers before, but this one's different. A collection of little stories, all with no real connection to one another, except London. Now, what does this have to do with witness? Well, I always feel like one when I'm reading this book. Every 10-or-so page story has a mind and soul of its own, and makes me think about me, and the characters, and how the reader is a witness to those. I wonder if one day I'll be able to write a short story like that, that'll make other people feel like short-time witnesses of my world. I think a lot about writing, and I witness it in every book. I've started to write because of... well, guess? I guess it's why most people start writing anyhow: it's because I couldn't handle the pressure of my own thoughts. I had to let them out, and after I did, it felt so great that I wanted to do it again. Now, I don't know if I am to become a writer, but I had a revelation about how wonderful it could be, a few years ago. It's really strange, cause I'm a science freak, and a computer one, but I love it more than anything else. Except people."

And this is another one, based on the "KNOWLEDGE":
Sides of truth. One way to think of knowledge is so sad, it makes knowing something not worth it: the more you know, the more you realize there's much more to know. Kind of like climbing a mountain, the higher you are, the smaller you feel, and the more you see...
Another way to think about it is feeling. You can feel knowledge, just because it is comprised of "the outside", and it can be words, images, sounds ... sculptures? No matter, knowledge is felt, and some say the best way to know and learn is to give everything special meaning.
There's a quote on knowledge, by H.R. Pagels: "What we want is knowledge, but what we get is information". This just means that people wish knowledge wasn't so meaningful, in a way." (in another way...)

Okay. Since God's (or whoever/whatever's, as you wish to believe) powers of time are greater than my own, I shall approach the end of what I thought would be a long consistent confession...

... Who/What do you think of before you go to bed?

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"Despre ingeri"

Am inceput sa citesc o carte foarte interesanta. V-o recomand, chiar si pentru cei ce nu cred in Dumnezeu (sau oricum nu in cel al crestinolor). Studiul angelologiei e foarte bine redactat in cartea "Despre ingeri", al carei autor este Andrei Plesu, si care m-a determinat sa cercetez mai departe (mai ales Judecata de Apoi in conceptia crestina, dar si altele...). Vei vedea ca, daca-i acorzi o sansa, afirmatiile sale sunt mai interesante decat te-ai astepta. Eu o sa includ doar fragmente, la adresa http://www.gewissen.as.ro/
Comentarii si pareri puteti sa lasati aici... si daca aveti intrebari sau recomandari (eventual daca mai vreti pagini)... tot aici. Enjoy!

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Libelula

Martin Page - Libelula

Fragment, flashback al lui Fio Regale:
Ea avea treisprezece ani. Un tanar adolescent venise spre ea, de foarte departe, pentru ca totul se intamplase demult. Ea privea copertile cartilor de la biblioteca municipala din Nantes, cu speranta ca vreuna ii va face cu ochiul. Baiatul era imbracat ca si cum n-ar fi facut-o intr-adins, camasa ii iesea de sub puloverul vechi, sireturile nu mai fusesera legate de vreo cateva furtuni incoace, iar pantalonii de catifea maro, prea largi, erau patati. Scena se petrecea intr-o sambata dimineata, in ziua cand ea uita intotdeauna drumul spre liceu si chiulea de la ora de muzica a unui profesor care avea o diploma ce il autoriza sa umileasca elevii mai putin convinsi de necesitatea de a canta mlodii de Joe Dassin la flaut. Biatul ii zise pardon si cu o voce dulce si un pic ezitanta o intreba daca biblioteca avea intre rafturile sale un locsor unde ar fi putut trai volumele de poeme ale lui S. In epoca aceea maduva spinarii lui Fio decisese deja ca S. va fi poetul ei favorit. Aceasta intalnire cu un baiat de varsta ei care ii impartasea pasiunea era atat de incredibila incat nici nu fusese surprinsa. Fio fusese mereu mult mai mirata de lucrurile banale si pe care ceilalti le gaseau normale, de acele intalniri prevazute, de destinele strabatute dinainte de frazele de-a gata care ieseau din frumoase capete durdulii. Il atrase catre fisierul alfabetic care dadea pe din afara de nume incepand cu toate literele alfabetului si a carui singura calitate era adesea chiar asta. Gasira ceea ce asteptau: in aceasta mare biblioteca municipala, cartile despre trompete si nave spatiale, romanele care cresc in temnite, eseurile despre exact toate subiectele... toate aceste carti prosperau. Dar nu era nici o carte de S. Baiatul si Fio nu fura dezamagiti sa descopera ca stiusera dinainte cat de sterila avea sa le fie cautarea. Dar se intalnisera datorita lui S., se intalnisera, si pentru Fio nu mai era important sa stie daca poemele lui existau, daca poetul acesta strabatuse el insusi malurile lacului Genevei. Discutara cateva clipe, clipe in care Pamantul se invarte de tot atatea ori in jurul Soarelui. Baiatul se inscrise la biblioteca, Fio ii auzi numele si il agata de o suvita a memoriei sale, ca pe un origami. O intreba daca venea des, ea raspunse da, o intreba ai sa fii aici sambata viitoare la aceeasi ora, ea raspunse da.
Sambata urmatoare, un profesor o retinu suficient ca sa ajunga la timp la destinul ei ratat. Il astepta pe baiat ore in sir, dar fara sa dea impresia ca o face, fara sa isi dea seama ea insai de asta. Numai dupa cativa ani isi dadu seama ea ca nu ramasese ca sa citeasca volumul acela gros dspre testoasele de mare. Poate ca era prea mandra ca sa astepte pe cineva, poate ca era prea individualista pentru a astepta ceva de la cineva, sau poate era prea lucida ca sa stie ca lucrurile astea nu exista, aceste intalniri reusite ale unor fiinte care nu mai sunt copii, dar nici nu sunt inca adulti. Constatase adesea ca viata stie mereu sa fie la inaltimea viselor sfaramate. Asemenea momente se nasc pentru a fi tradate de realitate si pentru a fauri fiinte care vor gasi in ele mai tarziu justificarea propriei lasitati.
In anii care au urmat, sfarsise prin a crede ca baiatul fusese un vis si ca, in fond, asta se potrivea cu obrajii lui palizi. In ziua celei de-a optsprezecea aniversari, FIo cauta nitelus distrata numarul de telefon al visului ei intr-o carte de telefoane reala. Ii scrise o scrisoare relatandu-i ziua intalnirii lor. El i raspunse ca isi amintea si ca ii va face placere sa o revada. Se reintalnire intr-un parc. Nu se cunosteau, dar se recunoscura de indata si isi vorbira ca si cum nu s-ar fi despartit decat ieri, ca si cum in acesti ani prietenia lor hibernase. Un tanar inalt, elegant, rodise si crescuse din vechiul baiat prost imbracat; timiditatea lui fusese zdrobita sub buldozerul relatiilor umane; anii ii pieptanasera parul si ii calcasera hainele; reusita ii alterase gesturile stangace, dandu-i maniere gratioase. Devenise vecinul de vizavi, prietenul fetei din randul al treilea, baiatul cu sortul rosu care marcheaza punctul decisiv intr-un turneu universitar de baschet... Adica devenise aproape un oricine.
Exista fiinte pe care le asasinezi obligandu-le sa existe. Uneori, nu trebuie sa li se permita oamenilor sa fie vii, chiar daca asta inseamna sa nu traiasca decat din mangaieri tesute cu partea cea mai taioasa a aerului. Nu ca Fio ar prefera visele fiintelor reale, dar gasea ca visele aveau o conversatie mai interesanta si mainile mai calde. Stia ca era o greseala sa le confunde, unele din amicele ei sparsesera destule lacrimi pe mirajul aceta. Fio nu gasise aproape niciodata destula realitate in persoanele reale. In general, i se pareau rau imaginate, ca niste fictiuni fotocopiate si decolorate la spalat. Baiatul nu mai semana cu o amintire. In noaptea de dupa noiembrie, era decembrie; desteptatorul pus pe podeaua camerei ei sunase si a fost iarna.

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"Balaurul"

Fragment din opera scriitoarei:

"Gandul i se oprea acum la legenda aceea a finetelor... Din amor... si din participarea naturii, din vecinatatea firii si adaosul vitalitatii exterioare la impulsia zamislitoare... Din totalitatea si armonia gesturilor fecunde: fiindca stelele clipeau si tremura iarba si lutul mijea; fiindca snopii infierbantati rasuflau si gemea din miezul boabelor coapte; fiindca roiau vietati nenumarate in preajma si palpitau undele eterice.
Tot ce convergea spre gestul creator era miscarea, tot ce-l comanda, tot ce-l stanjenea era emotie.
Faptura care se zamislea era deosebita si imbogatita din libertatea si consimtimantul complice al naturii in framat, cum si din spaima precipitata a instinctelor.
Hristosul mic fusese si el un prunc carnos si fraged pe genunchii fecioarei. Geniul acelor care-l zugravisera o stiau bine. Toti evanghelistii aduceau dovada miracolului care l-a adus pe lume in staul, si magii, calatori pe drumurile stelelor principale, marturiseau ca era nascut sub luceferi.
Nu lipsise vecinatatea fecunda a firii, nici ipnoza siderala. Din flori era culeasa mierea cuvantului bland, care fermecase omenirea, iar cugetarea luminoasa, radiata spre inaltimi inaccesibile, din palpitul aurului planetar.
Dar pe Laura taina creatiunii, cu violenta si brutalitatea imboldurilor firii, o speria. Pentru ea viata incepea acolo unde incepea sufletul.
Cercetarea cucoanei moase se oprea la albia pruncilor dolofani. Dar copii naturii purtau si cresteau adesea un suflet delicat si visator. Frumosi si sanatosi ca poamele curate, din voluptate si natura luau darul spiritualitatii. Printre ei, Fiul Fecoarei, cu sanatatea unor energii simple, se inaltase pana la suprema idealitate.
Laura acuma intelegea ca instinctul latent al materiei, atunci cand se dezvolta pana la potenta faptei creatoare, tot el, dupa sfortarea suprema a brutalitatii, desprinde substanta materiala.
Rasuflarea grea a finetelor si plantelor cand a atins maximul ei de senzualitate, urneste eterul volatil si degaja parfumul, simtirea, ideea.
De pe efervescenta ingrasamintelor se inalta fumul usor. E o capacitate a substantei ca din impulsia sismica a vietii sa nasca idealul, poezia, armonia, in natura ca si in faptura.
Laura cauta atunci cauzele ancestrale necunoscute, imperecherea strabuna pasionata, care-i harazise durerea nobila a iluziei si amagirea gingase a idealitatei.
Erau insa pentru aceeasi lege doua infatisari. In temnita dosnica a oraselor, venirile pe lume neingaduite, cele in afara de casatoria marturisita, erau pline de josnicie si tristeta. [...]"
- Hortensia Papadat-Bengescu - Balaurul

Atat am putut "culege". Recomand cartea pentru trairea repetata a sentimentelor personajului principal, si nu pentru actiune.

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"Inainte de tacere"

Tocmai am terminat de citit cartea, si am ramas impresionat. Impart cu voi o insiruire de citate pline de insemnatate:

"De asemenea, se organizau pe atunci marsuri pentru generalul Sandino si pentru nobilii si vitejii Sacco si Vanzetti. Manifestatiile adunau vreo suta de mii de muncitori si studenti, unii sub steagul rosu al socialistilor, iar altii - anarhistii - sub steagul rosu-negru. In toata lumea au avut loc proteste de solidaritate cu cei doi martiri ai miscarii, condamnati la moarte pentru o crima pe care nu o comisesera. Ca si in cazul muncitorilor din Chicago, tribunalele nord-americane au trebuit sa le recunoasca nevinovatia. Au murit cu curaj si demnitate. Intr-un film pe care, dupa oi vreme, l-au facut americanii cu intentia de a dezvalui adevarul, apare si aceasta emotionanta scrisoare pe care Vanzetti a scris-o fiului sau:
'Iubitul meu fiu, v-am visat zi si noapte. Nu stiam daca eram viu sau mort. As fi vrut sa va imbratisez, pe tine si pe mama ta. Iarta-ma, fiule, pentreu aceasta moarte nedreapta, care te-a lasat atat de repede fara tata. Astazi ne pot asasina, dar nu ne vor putea distruge ideile. Ele vor ramane pentru generatiile viitoare, pentru cei tineri ca tine. Aminteste-ti, fiul meu, de fericirea pe care o simti atunci cand te joci, nu o acapara pe toata doar pentru tine! Incearca sa-ti intelegi cu umilinta aproapele, ajuta-i pe cei slabi, mangaie-i pe cei care plang. Ajuta-i pe cei oprimati. Ei iti vor fi cei mai buni prieteni. Adio, sotia mea! Fiul meu! Tovarasi!'
Bartolomeo Vanzetti"
"Fapt e ca toti oamenii au de-a face cu o dubla existenta: cea diurna si cea nocturna. Un amarat de functionar viseaza noaptea ca isi asasineaza seful cu lovituri de cutit, iar ziua il saluta cu respect. Fiinta umana este in mod esential contradictoriei, si pana si Descartes, piatra de hotar a rationalismului, si-a creat principiile teoriei sale plecand de la trei vise avute. Frumos inceput pentru un aparator al ratiunii!"
"Ratacit intr-o lume in descompunere, intre ramasitele unor ideologii falimentare, scrisul era pentru mine mijlocul fundmental, cel mai puternic si absolut, care imi putea perrmite sa exprim haosul in care ma zbateam; asa mi-am putut elibera nu doar ideile, ci, mai ales, obsesiile cele mai ascunse si inexplicable.
Adevarata patrie a omului nhu este orasul pur care l-a fascinat pe Platon. Adevarata lui patrie, la care se intoarce mereu dupa periplele ideatice, este aceasta zona intermediara si pamanteasca a sufletului, acest teritoriu sfasiat in care traim, iubim si suferim. Si intr-o perioada de criza totala numai arta poate exprima nelinistea isi disperarea omului, deoarece, spre deosebire de toate celelalte activitati ale gandirii, ea este singura care-i capteaza in totalitate spiritul, mai ales prin marile fictiuni care ajung sa patrunda in spatiul sacru al poeziei. Creatia este acea parte a simtirii pe care am cucerit-o in lupta cu imensitatea haosului."
"Aflu stirile si deduc ca e inadmisibil sa te abandonezi linistit ideii ca lumea va depasi criza prin care trece.
Dezvoltarea facilitate de tehnica si de economie a avut consecinte funeste pentru omenire. Si, ca si in alte epoci ale istoriei, puterea care parea in principiu cel mai bun aliat al omului, se pregateste din nou sa arunce ultima lopata pe mormantul imperiului sau colosal. [...]
Istoria nu progreseaza. Marele Gianbattista Vico a fost cel care a spus: "Corsi e ricorsi". Istoria e guvernata de miscari de du-te-vino, idee reluata ulterior de Schopenhauer si apoi de Nietzshe. Progresul este valabil doar pentru gandirea pura. Matematicile lui Einstein sunt evident superioare celor ale lui Arhimede. Restul, practic, ce este mai important, trece din scoarta cerebrala in jos. Iar centrul sau este inima, acest organ misterios, o pompa mecanica de sange, un nimic pe langa complexitatea imensa si labirintica a creierului, dar care, din nu stiu ce pricina, ne doare atunci cand ne aflam in fata marilor crize. Din motive pe care nu ajungem sa le cunoastem, se pare ca inima resimte cel mai mult misterele, tristetile, pasiunile, invidiile, resentimentele, dragostea si singuratatea, chiar si existenta lui Dumnezeu si a Diavolului. Omul nu progreseaza pentru ca sufletul sau este acelasi. Cum spune Ecleziastul, "nimic nou sub soare", iar asta se refera precis la inima omului, locuita in toate epocile de aceleasi atribute, impingand spre nobile acte eroice, dar, de asemenea, amagita de rau. Tehnica si ratiunea au fost mijloacele pe care pozitivistii le-au postulat ca pe niste panze care ne-ar ilumina calea spre Progres. Iata lumina care ne conduce! Sfarsitul secolului {e scrisa in '98'} ne surprinde in obscuritate, iar claritatea evanescenta care ne ramane pare sa indice ca suntem inconjurati de umbre. Naufragiat printre neguri, omul inainteaza spre mileniul urmator cuincertitudinea celui care intrezareste un abis.
In 1951 am publicat Oameni si angrenaje. [...]
In cartea aceea imi aratam neincrederea si preocuparea fata de o lume tehnolatra si scientista, fata de aceasta conceptie asupra omului si existentei care a inceput sa se supraaprecieze cand semizeul renascentist s-a lansat euforic in cucerirea universului, cand nelinistea metafizica si religioasa a fost inlocuita de eficacitate, precizie si cunostintele tehnice. Acel proces de neoprit a sfarsit intr-un paradox teribil: dezumanizarea umanitatii. In acea carte, acum mai bine de cincizeci de ani, am scris: 'Acest paradox, ale carui ultime si tragice consecinte le suportam astazi, a fost rezultatul a doua forte dinamice si amorale: banii si ratiunea. CU ele omula cucerit puterea seculara. Dar - si aici se afla radacina paradoxului - a ceasta cucerire se face prin intermediul abstractiunii; de la lingoul de aur la clearing, de la parghie la logaritm, istoria dominatiei crescande a omului asupra universului a fost, de asemenea, istoria abstractiunilor succesive. Capitalismul modern si stiinta pozitiva sunt cele doua fete ale aceleiasi realitati deposedate de atribute concrete, o fantasmagorie abstracta din care face parte si omul, dar nu omul concret si individual, ci omul masa, aceasta fiinta ciudata, cu un aspect mai degraba uman, cu ochi si plansete, voci si emotii, dar in realitate un angrenaj dintr-o uriasa masinarie anonima. Acesta este destinul contradictoriu al acelui semizeu renascentist care si-a revendicat individualitatea, care s-a ridicat cu orgoliu impotriva lui Dumnezeu, proclamandu-si vointa de dominare si de transformare a lucrurilor, ignorand ca, la randul lui, va ajunge sa se transforme in lucru.
[...]
Totul arta ca in interiorul Timpurilor Moderne, laudate cu atata ardoare, se nastea un monstru cu trei capete: rationalismul, materialismul si individualismul.
[...]
Acum cativa ani, doua puteri isi disputau lumea. Odata esuat comunismul, s-a raspandit credinta ca alternativa era neoliberalismul. In realitate, asta e o afirmatie criminala, deoarece e ca atunci cand intr-o lume in care ar exista numai lupi si miei s-ar spune: 'Libertate pentru toti, iar lupii sa manance mieii'.
Se vorbeste acum despre reusitele acestui sistem al carui unic miracol a fost sa concentreze in a cincea parte din omenire mai mult de optzeci la suta din bogatie, in timp ce restul, marea parte a planetei, moare de foame in mizeria cea mai sordida."
Si pentru cei care au globalizarea la public speaking:
"In fiecare dimineata, mii de persoane reiau cautarea inutila si disperata a unui loc de munca. Sunt marginalizatii - o categorie noua, care ne spune foarte multe si despre explozia demografica, si despre incapacitatea acestei economii pentru care singurul lucru care de fapt nu conteaza este omul cu nevoile sale
Sunt marginalizati nevoiasii care raman in afara societatii pentru ca sunt de prisos. Nu se mai spune ca sunt 'cei de jos', ci 'cei din afara'. Sunt exclusi de la necesitatile minime de hrana, sanatate, educatie si justitie; sunt exclusi atat din orase, cat si din locurile lor de bastina. Iar acesti oameni care sunt zilnic lasati pe dinafara [...] reprezinta majoritatea.
[...]
Pentru a face rost de o slujba, oricat de prost platita, oamenii isi ofera vietile pe de-a-ntregul. Muncesc in locuri insalubre, in subsoluri, pe nave-fabrici, inghesuiti sub eterna amenintare de a-si pierde slujba, de a ramene pe dinafara.
Dupa cum se pare, demnitatea vietii omului nu a fost prevazuta in planul globalizarii. Nelinistea e singurul lucru care a ajuns pe culmi niciodata banuite.[...]"
"Intreaga educatie depinde de filozofia culturii care o carmuieste, si din cauza acestor imitatori obedienti ai 'tarilor avansate' - avansate in ce? - dam peste pericolul raspandirii si mai abitir al robotizarii."
"Acum catva timp am vazut un film extraordinar de Emir Kusturica despre disparitia Iugoslaviei. M-a impresionat sinceritatea cu care regizorul arata cruzimea acestei eterminari. Si cand i-am privit pe oamenii aceia din niste subsoluri dezgustatoare, hranind cu durerea lor viata unor indivizi meschini si nemilosi, am simtit ca era vorba de mare metafora a acestui timp in care ceva din umanitatea omului dispare.
O senzatie asemanatoare m-a surprins intr-o seara, in timp ce calatoream cu trenul. A intrat o femeie sfrijita, cu tenul masliniu, care, cu un acordeon prapadit, facea sa sune o muzica lugubra. {presimti?} Pe piept purta un afis in care scria ca trebuise sa fuga din Romania. Am ascultat melodia si am incetat s-o observ pe femeia aceea fara patrie si fara adapost, fara sa mai conteze ca venea din Romania, din Bosnia sau din fosta Iugoslavie. Era doar o fiinta pribeaga [...] Cand femeia s-a indreptat spre vagonul urmator, am intalnit privirea trista a unei fetite pe care o purta pe umeri. Asta m-a facut sa ma gandesc la ce se intampla: o lume care parea sa se indrepte spre propria dezintegrare, in timp ce viata ne privea cu ochii deschisi, flamanzi de atata umanitate."
"Tinerii sufera: ei nu mai doresc sa aiba copii.
Nu exista scepticism mai mare decat acesta.
Ca si animalele din captivitate, tinerele noastre generatii nu mai risca sa devina parinti. In asemenea hal a ajuns lumea pe care le-am incredintat-o. Anorecia, bulimia, drogurile si violenta sunt alte semne ale acestor vremuri de dispret fata de viata a celor care ne conduc.
Cum le-am putea explica bunicilor nostru ca am adus viata in asemenea hal, incat multi tiner mor pentru ca nu mananca sau varsa mancarea? Din cauza lipsei chefului de viat sau pentru a executa comanda data de televiziune: slabirea isterica. [...]
Totul ne duce cu gandul ca Terra se transforma intr-un desert suprapopulat. Nu e intamplator faptul ca, la una din ultimele conferinte ecologice, s-a avansat ipoteza unor razboaie, intr-un viitor nu prea indeparatat, pentru obtinerea apei potabile.
Acest peisaj funebru si nenorocit este opera acelei specii de insi care si-au ras de noi, bietii oameni care de atatia ani ii tot avertizam, acuzandu-ne ca avertismentele noastre sunt nascociri tipice pentru scriitori si poeti fantezisti.
Dupa aceasta inversiune semantica a limbilor lumii, epitetul de "realisti" se refera la acei indivizi care se caracterizeaza prin distrugerea oricarui fel de realitate, de la natura cea mai pura, pana in sufletele oamenilor si copiilor."
"In piata din fata garii, am stat sa privesc un baiat. Si am admirat inca o data cum, in copilarie, timpul trecea incet, ca si cum ar fi fost incremenit. Un infinit se intinde intre Boboteaza care a trecut si cea care va veni, iar anivesarile copiilor se succeda dupa atatea intamplari sau vise, incat urmatorul pare la fel de departe pentru ei ca batranetea insasi.
Aceasta oaza linistita face din copilarie perioada cea mai fertila si mai vulnerabila; copii impartasesc seninatatea copacilor si fecunditatea pamantului. Traiesc un timp care nu se mai sfarseste: cat mai este pana vine Craciunul? Cat mai e pana la ziua mea? Pentru ei trecutul nu exista, iar viitorul este invizibil. Si atunci, fiecare zi este eterna."
- Ernesto Sabato - Inainte de tacere

Pentru cei care mai vor, click aici pentru cateva pagini din carte:

Ernesto Sabato - Inainte de tacere (fragmente)

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Ce influenta au avut cuvintele autorului asupra ta?
	Niciuna.
	M-au intristat profund. Cat de adevarat...
	Ma bucur ca am fost simtit de autor, are dreptate!
	E prea critic, prea negru. Eu nu sunt asa cum spune el.
	As vrea sa-i scriu, sa-i marturisesc...
	Cu o parte sunt de acord, dar restul e exagerat.
	Alt raspuns
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"Daca iti plac citatele..." - O serie de cuvinte care te pot inspira (a large collection of quotes)

"To make pleasures pleasant, shorten them." - Charles Buxton

"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." - Thich Nhat Hanh

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

"God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages." - Jacques Deval, Afin de vivre bel et bien

"The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well." - Horace Walpole

"Such is the irresistible nature of truth that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing." - Thomas Paine

"Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together." - George Christoph Lichtenberg

"In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears.
Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be." - Hubert H. Humphrey

"Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest." - Wilson Mizner

"In a mad world only the mad are sane." - Akira Kurosawa

"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none." - Thomas Carlyle

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." - Norm Papernick

"Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." - Helen Keller

"To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"I don’t think anyone can DO anything that would make him worthy of love. Love is a gift and cannot be earned. It can only be given." - Real Live Preacher, RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, January 20, 2003

"To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all." - Peter McWilliams, Life 101

"We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know." - W. H. Auden

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose." - Darrin Weinberg

"If I could be any part of you, I’d be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips." - Unknown

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in." - Katherine Mansfield

"Anything that has real and lasting value is always a gift from within." - Franz Kafka

"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time." - Mason Cooley, O Magazine, April 2004

"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac

"Take away the miseries and you take away some folks' reason for living." - Toni Cade Bambara

"If our early lessons of acceptance were as successful as our early lessons of anger, how much happier we would all be." - Peter McWilliams, Life 101

"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better." - Laurie Anderson

"We think in generalities, but we live in detail." - Alfred North Whitehead

"You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again." - Bonnie Prudden

"When I'm trusting and being myself... everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously." - Shakti Gawain

"Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there." - Mickey Friedman

"Why do we close our eyes when we dream, kiss and imagine? Because the best things are unseen!" - Unknown

"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it." - Christopher Morley

"When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision." - Lord Falkland

"All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." - Samuel Butler, Notebooks, 1912

"Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough." - George Bernard Shaw

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair." - Samuel Johnson

"You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you." - John Wooden

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare." - Harriet Martineau

"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it." - Ogden Nash

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." - Abigail Van Buren, 1978

"You have to allow a certain amount of time in which you are doing nothing in order to have things occur to you, to let your mind think." - Mortimer Adler

"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." - Brendan Gill

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it." - Gordon R. Dickson

"I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine." - Fritz Perls

"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Professor Irwin Corey

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"

"The only place where success comes before work is a dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either." - Dick Cavett

"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

"Tears may be dried up, but the heart - never." - Marguerite de Valois

"Be life long or short, its completeness depends on what it was lived for." - David Starr Jordan

"Be fit for more than the thing you are now doing. Let everyone know that you have a reserve in yourself; that you have more power than you are now using. If you are not too large for the place you occupy, you are too small for it." - James A. Garfield

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is." - Erich Fromm

"The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question." - Stephen Jay Gould

"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Franz Kafka

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." - Captain Corelli's Mandolin

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed." - Alexander Pope, Letter to Gay, October 6, 1727

"That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure." - Madonna, O Magazine, January 2004

"To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult." - Plutarch

"I would rather try to persuade a man to go along, because once I have persuaded him he will stick. If I scare him, he will stay just as long as he is scared, and then he is gone." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

"There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do." - Freya Madeline Stark

"We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad." - Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, The Big Kiss, 1991

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods." - Aristotle, Nichomachean Ethics

"If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm." - Bruce Barton

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." - Thomas Jefferson

"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana, Life of Reason (1905) vol. 1, Introduction

"We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else." - Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1967)

"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." - Herbert Hoover

"A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions--as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all." - Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, section 41

O mare parte din a nu uita cine suntem cand suntem mici implica partea aceea a gandirii. Atunci cand traim, de zi cu zi, ne indreptam fara sa ne dam seama catre ceva, un ceva care nu mai este ceea ce am fost. Ceea ce suntem la origine, dpdv al conceptiilor, este de o puritate si o deschidere catre orice experienta de nedescris. Insa, in loc sa ne indreptam spre ceea ce ne-am nascut sa fim, cautam sa ne uitam inainte, in spre viitor. De fapt, cine suntem nu se poate schimba si, eu cred, daca te indepartezi de cine ai fost atunci cand ai fost nascut, nu vei fi fericit. Secretul fericirii adevarate (adica nu cea din iluzie) este apropierea de sine, intelegerea de sine. Dragostea pentru sine si aprecierea pentru valorile tale. Daca stau sa ma gandesc, ceea ce ma face pe mine eu... este faptul ca pot sa privesc orice cu bucurie, cu veselie. Pot sa simt ceea ce simt altii. Cand eram mic sufeream cand sufereau cei din jurul meu... si multi facem asta. Tot ce suntem cand suntem mici e aproape de ideal... iar gandirea, conceptia de viata, totul deriva de acolo. Poate pare greu de crezut... dar e foarte posibil si probabil.

"After all it is those who have a deep and real inner life who are best able to deal with the irritating details of outer life." - Evelyn Underhill

"The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." - Blaise Pascal

"It is folly to punish your neighbor by fire when you live next door." - Publilius Syrus

"You don't have to die in order to make a living." - Lynn Johnston, For Better or For Worse, 10-14-05

"What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public."

"Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly." - Epictetus

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

"You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty." - Cecil Baxter

"The universe may have a purpose, but nothing we know suggests that, if so, this purpose has any similarity to ours." - Bertrand Russell

"In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others." - Andre Maurois

"Most people love you for who you pretend to be... to keep their love, you keep pretending--performing. You get to love your pretense... it's true, we're locked in an image, an act.
And, the sad thing is, people get so used to their image--they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And, if you try to remind them, they hate you for it. They feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession." - James Douglas Morrison, lead singer of the Doors

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