Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way
He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?
Because it's been so long.
Since what?
Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...
Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...
What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.
Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.
Too many reasons to even say.
Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...
And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.
He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.
I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.
He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?
Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?
Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?
Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Life in loneliness?
I've just been thinking that maybe something strange is happening to the world: everyone's getting lonelier. It might be just me, growing up, and I'm sure others like me had this same thought once, but with people moving, internet growing, long distance communication easier and cheaper everyday, people become more and more indifferent to their neighbors and active to others that are far away... and that's the story of long distance relationships and lonely beings with no friends. Why? Why not care about your neighbors?
Well, there are still some that hate the internet and every pen-friendish relationship, so they go for the natural hang-out-with-whoever's-around kinda thing. So that's encouraging. But for those who don't choose so, their reason is generally: because it's easier, more convenient, and if I move, I don't have to worry about leaving my friends behind. But is that really life?
What I've seen here in the US is that most people work, and have no friends. No real friends, anyway. They all have "friends" they party with, people they waste time around with, but there's really nobody they can buzz at 2 o'clock in the morning at the door and start crying cause their girlfriend or boyfriend was an ass. They don't go through life-threatening challenges and generally have no time to spare for a random person they just met. Everyone's working or going to school, or both! It's like we've forgotten what gives our life meaning...
It's OTHERS people, it's others! If you were the only person on this planet, there would be no sense to living! So why, then, choose to live off of some imaginary relationship with no hope of ever turning real? To satisfy your own social needs? How can you really help your friends if they have an accident, or God knows what else? Oh, gee, and to think that some actually tell me that's they way they want to lead their whole life...
Am I just being paranoid or is there something really happening?
Have your say in this, leave a comment.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Deconfusing the confusion inside
Time. Time. So little time. Yet time is so slow...
I miss...
I want time to go faster now and then stop. But wait, it is so. It stops when I see you... it stops and then something fills me up. With love, hope, faith. I...
I miss me. I miss you. I miss the past, present, and future within us. I miss everything. And I'm so tired that it barely hurts. And I'm smiling, you know, the beautiful smile; I feel so alive!
---
You fight with yourself for something for so long, and think that you'll keep it up, keep believing, keep fighting, and when you succeed you don't know what to say. How to react. Nothing. Nothing!
I am naked in front of you, and I don't even know if I want to cover myself or to let you see...
---
I'm not sure I'm ready for this. How would I know when I'm ready? Every night I go to sleep without knowing what I'll be feeling the morning after. I wake up and wonder what happened that night, where was I, where were you, where we were...
---
Breaking away from a world is hard. But coming back might be even harder, no matter how much faster it could be...
---
Fragments. Pieces. Of the same puzzle? Hope so.
That's what I've got. And I can't put them together. What's missing?
---
Thank God life gives me this chance: to wait for everything to come to me and make me feel and think again, to wait for the Universe to find me again; not that I've lost myself, but I must be somewhere very dim. Somewhere... in the dark. It seems that I just can't find the will to look inside of me, anymore. And tomorrow I'll wake up feeling differently...
---
There are days when I can't focus on anything. There are periods of time that fly by, and then I look back and think something like: "wow, where did the last hour go?" Sometimes I'm in class. Or at home. In the car. In bed. Taking a shower. Eating. Dreaming. Walking. Feeling. Thinking. Being...
Everywhere I am I can't be without you. Yet this strikes me so bad, so big that I'm almost blind. I can still remember, I can try to feel everything I felt once again, but it will never be the same.
Should it? I don't know. But I feel it shouldn't. I think we're supposed to make a new path for ourselves now. To find... a new way. More our way than it ever was before. Our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions. Our plans (yep, we don't have many actual 'plans', but...). Our lives... our whole lives are just beginning. And all that is so new and so exciting, and so big... that I'm not sure I can even begin to comprehend it.
It's overwhelming!
---
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone with myself so I can be with you.
---
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Alone with myself.
---
Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Without myself...
---
Sometimes...
---
Pupi.
---
I would love to read you, think you, feel you. Write me, anything. (And yes, I'm writing to you. Don't wonder who! If you're reading this, I'm writing to you!)
Maybe you don't realize this but I'm helpless. I'm so helpless that I'll keep writing you even if you hate me. Even if you ignore me. I'll always be here. Here for you...
---
I realize my life means a couple of things first and many many many many many others after that. A while ago, I think I was in 11 grade (so that makes it 3 years ago almost), I wrote about what means most to me in this life. There were three things: being needed/loved(1), knowledge(2), creativity/nature(3). Here's a short explanation about each of them:
1. "In viata de pe pamant, excluzand viitorul meu ca fiinta spirituala, suflet, in Rai sau Iad, prima mea prioritate este sa ma simt necesar." (In my earthly life, excluding my future as a spiritual being, or my soul, in Heaven or Hell, my first priority is to feel I'm necessary.)
2. "E pe locul doi, fiindca fara cunoastere nu pot indeplini prima parte."(Second place because without knowledge I cannot fulfill the first part.)
"Cunoasterea aici cuprinde cateva domenii mari si late: psihologia umana, pe primul loc, la mare distanta de urmatoarele (era inainte, iar acum s-au apropiat celelalte), informatica, matematica, engleza, practica materiala (prin asta se intelege cat de bine ma descurc de unul singur cu materialismul [adica generic vorbind banii, sau gatitul, s.a.]). "(Here, knowledge embraces a couple of big areas: human psychology, first, followed by computer science, math, english, and practical stuff (anything materialistic [e.g. cash, cooking, etc.]).)
3. "Creativitatea consta la mine in randamentul folosirii resurselor." (Creativity, from my perspective, includes the ratio/efficiency with which I use my capabilities.) To put it simple, the outside brought inside through the first two, the way I see the world resonate with my own self.
*** Excerpted from an old chapter
It's interesting, for me, to notice that even since back then I knew a lot about who I am. It's amazing that, to some extent, I am that same guy. And what's also a big thing is how the first is the only independent part of myself that always surfaces, through anything. I believe in love... I believe in love as a reason to be here, in a way. And anytime I don't quite get why I am this way, something happens, and It shows me again. It who? Dunno. The Universe, God? One and the same, maybe...
Whenever the course of events lets me down, the second and third parts of me came to the aid of the first one. And each one depends on the ones above it... which is why the first one is ... everything :)
Even though I'm essentially the same, some things changed...
The "new" me:
1. Love. Hope. Faith. (it changed the orientation compared to "the old number 1")
2. Knowledge. Spirit. Will. (Metaphysical) desire.
3. The world as an opportunity. The Universe as the "other". The purpose of everything else.
1. Although my reason for being is not only this, love, hope and faith are essentially the three things that make me... me. I believe I'm made to live life as everything, get involved as much as I can, put my heart in it and not take it back. Live it till the end. That's love. Hope... hope that I will make it through. "Hope is what makes us wake up in the morning", says a famous quote, hope is what one needs to believe in love during those hardest moments. Faith is what you need when everything else fails. Do you know that song: "Have a little faith in me"? Sometimes, love hurts, hope is almost nothing, and we run away. And then faith kicks in, as the last drop in the ocean... the last piece of you above sea level, perhaps. This trio is not mine, originally, but it's now a part of me. I know it's also in the bible, but, as it happens with me all the time, the people I care most about bring me my beliefs. This also works the other way: my beliefs bring around people I can bond with most. I think this happens to many of us, honestly...
2. All those are intertwined into a strong... web. Knowledge encompasses my unceasing curiosity, cause I almost never get sick of learning new things, understanding life, and feeling my own reality, or imagining other people and their world.
Spirit is the tiny thread that climbs on the ladder of life, on its way swirling around other spirits, yours perhaps, maybe, actually hopefully finding a dear company, and pushing forward through the web of the Universe...
Will is... not so much free will, but will as the strength and ambition to move on through life, the part that is possible because of the LHF.
The (metaphysical) desire is strongly connected to all the first three.
Metaphysical = Literally, beyond the physical realm, beyond that which we can realize or discover with our five senses. Also, a branch of philosophy which studies the “beingness” or inherent nature of reality. (Google definition)
Don't think of desire in the literal term of wanting something to posess. Rather, desire in the metaphysical sense means wanting to give yourself to that something or someone, making you a part of it, instead of grabbing and pulling it towards you. This may sound generic or too broad, so you can imagine a metaphysical desire as the reward of you meaning more than just yourself, the spiritual significance of, say, the cup you drank milk in every day when you were a kid. If you can give yourself to something/someone without expecting anything in return, you remain there, and you gain so much more. Because, see, whenever you expect return, you are actually less, regardless if you receieve it or not! I'll write about this soon, only I haven't researched enough. But if you want to look into it, read about intentionality and psychism, works by Francisco Romero and Emmanuel Levinas.
3. This is kind of equivalent to the creativity I chose before. The idea is that the Universe is here and it gives me the opportunity to be a part of it. Thus, I intend to look at it as if it were at least as great as I am, and give it at least big a chance as it gives me. So to speak, the "other" is not to be reduced to "myself", by similarity or anything else. That is disconsidering the whole nature of the Universe. I'm not sure I can even comprehend what the Universe means, much less make sense of its little parts. At least I should not disrespect it. And the impossibility of KNOWING something entirely is a source of infinite creativity. I hope you understand this.
I'm still not sure of how to explain and fit in my belief that, even though you can't KNOW something entirely, you can FEEL it. Or him/her... It's a naive belief, perhaps, but I feel that, even though our senses are limited, there is a... way... special way, through which you can really be something else... someone else... oh and that sounds so beautiful to me... I'm such a romantic kid!
So, this is where my reasoning ends today, and here's another part of me heading out to you...
Friday, February 02, 2007
Myself
Have you ever had a Déjà vu?
Howdy y'all... I've put a new look on this blog, although I said I wouldn't. But, then again, I was lost. Now I might have found myself again, yet I'm confused. A bit. Funny, isn't it?
I also wrote about the design and about me a bit, check out the About me page.
Lately I've asked myself (over and over) Who am I?, and mostly Who am I for you? And I asked others as well. Gee, it's so nice to know that I'm constantly misjudged and misinterpreted by most people around me...
... but I'm sort of asking for it. It takes a long time for someone to get to know me (or at least to think so), and I always end up doing something new and apparently prove them wrong. Again. "I didn't think you were this way..."
This has simultaneously been my excess and my deficiency... a problem and a solution, ability and inability to recognize who I am, more in the eyes of others rather than my own. I know much of who I am, but others don't. I guess it's true for everyone, to some extent, that people see as much of who you are as possible, but almost never all. However, for me, it's weirder than that...
I suffer from Déjà vu (since I was very little), meaning I feel something happening now has previously taken place in the past, in a strange way. Those of you who have had any Déjà vu feeling at all know how it is like. When I was little I was very confused about this and nothing more - I just figured "hey, I must've dreamt about this before", or "this happened yesterday too", but I knew I couldn't exactly point out what it was that made me feel I had been there before, what triggered the feeling. For some periods of time I thought I was paranoid, or weird. There were weeks when I had a Déjà vu each day, which was amazing. Those weeks were golden for inspirational writing and thinking in general. I always thought Déjà vu's helped me figure out a lot of things about myself that otherwise would probably be unknown to me. A Déjà vu is not exactly like a revelation, even though it feels like that a bit. You're somewhere, sometime and a minor detail of what you're seeing, hearing, or feeling in any way triggers your brain - "this happened before", and you start detaching from reality...
... or at least that's how it works for me. And then I think and think, try to look back and remember: where did I stumble upon this again, what happened before that got me here... again. Again is the key word. Hence, with time, I desperately (well, not quite, but a bit) tried to figure out what made me have them, and I feel I've constantly gotten better at it. It's great. For one thing because some of the Déjà vu's revealed that I really had been there before (once I remember walking nearby a bus station with a friend, and a bus with a certain number passed by, which actually DID happen again, and the friend remembered that too), and for another thing I remember events that I dreamt about or places I've imagined previously, which I wouldn't have remembered otherwise. The Déjà vu can also be related to premonitions, since, if you feel that you've experienced something before, you could think you know how's the test you're going to take, or what will be the outcome of a challenge you're about to face. Indeed, I have taken a test which I had dreamt before, and it really didn't feel at all like I'm solving problems for the first time. I thought I remembered each answer instead of making it up, and after the test I really didn't remember what the questions were, but I did remember the answers.
As a matter of fact, it's important to point out my belief in Déjà vu's since it answers my question: Why am I this way?
Intense events that happened when I was a kid have a strong influence in my life now. In this case, it made me question the nature of life, reality, and reason. I believe I'm a very open minded person, and one of the other things that makes me... me is my belief that you can pretty much be any way you want. And the weird things I experienced when I was young make me treat weirder things that happen now with much more understanding. But they also make me much harder to understand in the eyes of others.
I've read on Wikipedia that "Many theorists believe that the memory anomaly occurs when one's conscious mind has a slight delay in receiving perceptive input. In other words, the unconscious mind perceives current surroundings before the conscious mind does. This causes one's conscious self to perceive something that is already in one's memory, even though it was in one's memory only a split second before it was perceived."
"the unconscious mind perceives ... before the conscious" - hey, that's exactly what happens to me! Or at least the scientific description of it. My unconscious mind... that sonds scary, it's something in me that I can't control... something in every human being. I'm dreaming, or I'm absent, and then I perceive and it unconsciously hits me... Thankfully, I don't seem to suffer from jamais vu! But I've experienced all three Déjà vu's: Déjà vécu, senti and visité (seen, felt or visited), each of them much more than once. For me 'felt' includes smelled, touched, tasted - all of them! And for most of the time I can remember when and where, or how come. Especially for the most recent ones, although it's been a while...
It's all part of being myself!
What does Déjà vu have to do with how others perceive me? Well, even without Déjà vu I have experienced and lived strange things. As I said in the About me, my life's not very unusual, it's just original, like everyone else's I guess. But I've met a lot of people and almost none of them intuited who I am right. This doesn't mean that they judged me wrong or I thought that they did, it only means they told me, or appeared to be surprised when they found out new things about me (what can I say, maybe I'm exciting, maybe not). Only a few intuited who I am, most of which are my friends. Another couple or so had an idea about parts of me... Well, I probably won't intuit who you are either, I'm just saying this so you can see how hardly ever people really know who you are...
So I have a question for you: How do you know you've found yourself?
It sounds like a basic question, yet I have a few issues I'd like you to consider:
1. Since you probably found yourself after an intense event that changed your life, and then see how the way you feel is so right and so much better than what you had before, you believe that this way is THE WAY to be and live. But how do you know there's no better way? And, isn't it possible that your inertia, your desire to remain where you already feel well, safe, and perhaps even happy - all these make you just not ask this question anymore?
2. Finding yourself often means knowing what you will do and make of your life further on, what's your character and what represents you. However, after a while of being the same self you end up knowing lesser and lesser about who you are. How do you keep in touch with yourself once, supposedly, you have found who you're supposed to be? Your need for certainty and knowledge of this certainty might undermine your ability to understand the new and the unknown. If you've found yourself and you're not changing that (well, at least not much), what's your relationship to you from now on? 'Cause if you've found your character, you've got to have a relationship to it, erm... him/her :) based on what? if you already know...
So I think maybe nobody really knows who he/she is, but just thinks so (in the best of cases; most people recognize they haven't found themselves). I'm beginning to believe that finding yourself is not a teenager-type-o' event, but rather a lifetime achievement, just like happiness... not a goal, but a path. What do you think?
Monday, November 20, 2006
Happiness: just another proof of inertia?
I have a lot of things to talk about now. I'm not sure how and why now, and how come I have so many ideas, scrambled, again. It's strange, but, then again, I don't pretend to be/write as a normal person.
I feel that what I'm mostly gonna talk about has to do with happiness. And love. And self...
Hey, I can do whatever I want. I am in control of my own life. I can do it. I am FREE. I am able. And I can, I have the will, the strength, the power. I will not be afraid. I will not surrender to others. I will be self-reliant. I will show myself that I can do it. I will only hesitate where my heart has doubts; but when it doesn't, I will pursue. And succeed. I will not let myself be persuaded by other people using reason solely. Reason is not a means to happiness. I will stand up and represent myself, for if not I, then who? Yes, I can change the world. Yes, I can change myself. I will listen to the sounds the leaves make while falling on the earth. I will listen. I will be there when you need me, and nowhere else. I can speak for myself. I can think, and my thinking has value. I am a human being, not a puppet - and as little as that might mean, it's the best I can be: a human being...
---
Each day we follow our own steps towards happiness... or so we might think. Just like me, there are others that think people do NOT, in fact, head for happiness. They might think they do... There's an article on CNN about this. Although not an exact view from my perspective, I found the article spoke about some important issues concerning happiness.
See, what we do is compromise ourselves in the quest for happiness. We don't even adventure much, so the word quest is not satisfied. Society shows us the wrong things! Happiness... where did we get the bright idea that to find happiness we should immitate the people around us? Are THEY happy? Truth is, we're not sure, for the most part, what happiness is. Just like society pushes us into the idea that a man with more than one woman is a "stud" or "macho", yet a woman with more men is a "slut" or "whore", so is the distorted image of happiness. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not.
As the article says, you can only tell how happy you are at the exact moment you are asked - and even that with some trouble. Interested of happiness at a wider scale? Check out this article to find out which is the happiest country!
The meaning of all this is just to get you thinking. I'm not trying to persuade you, the reader, into anything. I'm ... pointing out. I'm just a piece of writing, as the blog-header says. What my point is: we compromise ourselves in order to come closer to happiness - don't we? We believe certain things, and we are not happy, so then leave those beliefs because they weren't "making us happy". Or, we see people that are happy and immitate them. Or even not know what happiness is. Or we are sad (we have every right to be) and then pick up on just anything to be happy.
I'm not saying "be careful", I'm saying... check your pulse, go to your heart - ask yourself, not others: are you happy? Figure it out. Talk about it, or hide it - your best way... but if you really look, I'm sure that some of the things you think about happiness are not really based on any truth, least of all a truth that you have experienced. Most people say: You will know happiness when it hits you. And I think that's true. So, in my opinion, if you don't know when it hit you - you've probably never been happy.
Jump to love. Here's a piece that I quickly wrote a couple of days ago:
---
I will love her all my life, no matter what happens. And, maybe, in a sense, for a first time, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS is as close to its true meaning as ever - EVERYTHING can happen, and I would still love her. And love will never hurt, not this love. Perhaps the longing, or the feeling of closeness and contempt - but LOVE, never! What hurts me - us - is not love. Love is not to blame for our have-nots.
I LOVE.
---
The rest is... yet to come. But this will be a story someday, a story I hope to tell. For some reason, I feel I'm on a narrow path - sometimes on the edge, sometimes in the middle, safe - but narrow, working my way farther and farther away, praying, loving, hoping, living... Love.Hope.Faith. That's the trio!
Strangely enough, I feel like wishing good luck to all of you, all who are out there searching for that end of road, or for a spark that's missing... Probably has to do with happiness. It really is amazing, no, how we have evolved so much, yet happiness is not better known. At best it's not decreasing...
I have a story to tell. I hope, I pray, someday... I will be listend to. Until then, may all be well :)
Sunday, November 19, 2006
The Valkyries
I was reading a book: The Valkyries, by Paulo Coelho. For those of you who are familiarized with his writing, it won't be a lot new in style, but the situations are different. And the fact that it's a true story is a strong point also.
I've gathered a couple of quotes from it... and the way they are told in great words, in my opinion, and, even more appreciable, with a simple yet efficient vocabulary.
This book is about love, about a couple married. He (Paulo) goes to the desert in search of his angel - beautiful. There's plenty of surprises, but one of them is that his partner and wife Chris also develops an interest in this magic...
Here are some quotes:
Quote
"Everything in life is a ritual," Paulo said. "For witches as much as for those who have never heard of witchcraft. Both are always trying to perform their rituals to perfection."
Chris knew that those on the magical path had their retuals. And she understood, as well, that there were rituals in everyday life - marriage, baptisms, graduations.
"No, no. I'm not talking about those obvious rituals," he went on impatiently. He wanted to sleep, but she pretended not to have sensed his irritation. "I'm saying that everything is a ritual. Just as a mass is a great ritual, composed of various parts, the everyday experience of any person is, also."
"A carefully elaborate ritual that the person tries to perform precisely, because he or she is afraid that - if any part is left out - everything will go wrong. The name of that ritual is Routine."
[...]
"When we are young, we don't take anything too seriously. But slowly, this set of daily rituals becomes solidified, and takes us over. Once things have begun to go along pretty much as we imagined they would, we don't dare risk altering the ritual. We like to complain, but we are reassured by the fact that each day is more or less like every other. At last there is no unexpected danger."
"... When the ritual becomes consolidated, the person becomes a slave."
(p 162 - Harper Collins Publishers)
***
In six more days, they would have to leave the desert. They stopped in a small city called Ajo, where most of the inhabitants were elderly. It was a plce that had known its moments of glory - when the mine there had brought jobs, prosperity, and hope to the inhabitants. But, for some reason - uknown to any of them - the company had sold its houses to the employees and closed the mine.
Paule and Chris sat in a restaurant, drinking coffee and waiting for the cool evening to arrive. An old woman asked if she could sit with them.
"All of our children have gone away", she told them. "No one is left except the old-timers. Some day, the entire city will disappear, and all our work, everything we built, will no longer mean a thing."
It had been a long time since anyone had even passed through the place. The old woman was happy to have someone to talk to.
"People are coming here, build, and hope that what they are doing is important,", she continued. "But overnight, they find that they are demanding more of the Earth than it has to give. So, they abandon everything and move on, without thinking about the fact that they have involved others in their dream - others who, weaker than they, have to stay behind. Like with the ghost towns out there in the desert."
Maybe that's what's happening to me, Paulo thought. I brought myself here, and I've abandoned myself.
He recalled that once an animal trainer had told him how he was able to keep his elephants under control. The animals, as infants, were bound by chains to a log. They would try to escape, but could not. They tried throughout their entire infancy, but the log was stronger than they were.
So they became accustomed to captivity. And when they were huge and strong, all the trainer had to do was place the chain around one of their legs and anchor it anywhere - even to a twig - and they would not attempt to escape. They were prisoners of their past.
(p 198)
***
He found love on a cliff where two women had tried to stare each other down, with the full moon as a backdrop. And love meant dividing the world with someone. He knew one of the women well, and had shared his universe with her. They had seen the same mountains, and the same trees, although each had seen them differently. She knew his weaknesses, his moments of hatred, of despair. Yet she was there at his side.
They shared the same universe. And although often he had had the feeling that their universe contained no more secrets, he had discovered - that night in Death Valley - that the feeling was wrong.
(p 224)
***
We, at this moment in history, must develop our own powers. We must believe that the universe doesn’t end at the walls of our room. We must accept the signs, and follow our heart and our dreams.
We are responsible for everything that happens in this world. We are the warriors of light. With the strength of our love and of our will, we can change our destiny, as well as the destiny of many others.
The day will come when the problem of hunger can be solved through the miracle of the multiplication of the bread. The day will come when love will be accepted by every heart, and the most terrible of human experiences - solitude, which is worse than hunger - will be banned from the face of the Earth. The day will come when those who knock at the gates will see them open; those who ask will receive; those who weep will be consoled.
For the planet Earth, that day is still a long way off. But for each of us, that day can be tomorrow. One has only to accept a simple fact: Love - of God and of others - shows us the way. Our defects, our dangerous depths, our suppressed hatreds, our moments of weakness and desperation - all are unimportant. If what we want to do is to heal ourselves first, so that then we can go in search of our dreams, we will never reach paradise. If, on the other hand, we accept all that is wrong about us - and despite it, believe that we are deserving of a happy life - then we will have thrown open an immense window that will allow Love to enter. Little by little, our defects will disappear, because one who is happy can look at the world only with Love - the force that regenerates everything that exists in the Universe.
(p 241 - quoted from here)
***
In The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoyevsky tells us the story of the Grand Inquisitor, which is paraphrased here:
During the religious persecutions in Sevilla, when all who did not agree with the Church were thrown into prison, or burned at the stake, Christ returns to earth and mixes in with the multitudes. But the Grand Inquisitor notes his presence, and orders him jailed.
That night, he goes to visit Jesus in his cell. And he asks why Jesus has decided to return at that particular moment. "You are making things difficult for us," the Grand Inquisitor says. "After all, your ideals were lovely, but it is we who are capable of putting them into practice." He argues that, although the Inquisition might be judged in the future to have been severe, it is necessary, and that he is simply doing his job. There is no use talking of peace when man's heart is always at war; nor speaking of a better world when there is so much hatred in man's heart. There was no use in Jesus' having sacrificed himself in the name of the human race, when human beings still feel guilty. "You said that all people are equal, that each has a divine light within, but you forgot that people are insecure, and they need someone to guide them. Don't make our work more difficult than it is. Go away," says the Grand Inquisitor, having laid out all of his brilliant arguments.
When he is finished, there is silence in the cell. Then Jesus comes to the Grand Inquisitor, and kisses him on the cheek.
"You may be right," Jesus says. "But my love is stronger."
---
We are not alone. The world is changing, and we are a part of the transformation. The angels guide us and protect us. Despite all the injustice in the world, and despite the things that happen to us that we feel we don't deserve, and despite the fact that we sometimes feel incapable of changing what is wrong with people and with the world, and despite all of the Grand Inquisitor's arguments--love is even stronger, and it will help us to grow. Only then will we be able to understand the stars and miracles.
(p 242 - quoted from here)
EndQuote
I found someone's short opinion here. Interesting.
As for me... what do I think? Honestly, I absorbed this book from beginning to the end - reading it in two days, which is actually slow. As I'm a great believer in the "love conquers all", so to speak love rules :), I most especially enjoyed the last couple of pages.
One important thing I find to have in common with Coelho's characters (and himself I guess) is the self-surprisingness: somehow, I am surprised by what happens to me, in so many situations that I just can't count anymore. I often find myself out of my own league - meaning I say or think something which I didn't know I knew/thought/felt before. It's usually not big in feelings, but it's big in meaning. We easily find things about urselves, sometimes very much late in life - things that we didn't know were there. I just found out I'd like to have a Furby today, for example. Last night I stood up to watch Ally McBeal and woke up open-minded about anything unusual, I guess. Yet I felt so happy. I've written about how strange we are before (see here), but this is a bit different. In Coelho's work, most of the time love sweeps people off their feet and takes them through a journey that lasts the whole book. Now, Coelho doesn't tell you every itsy bitsy detail, that's the beauty of it - he gives you the scheme, the General Plan of the Universe, and you can fill in the rest.
I have to admit that the whole magus-magic thing is kinda strange, but the ideas are well blended. And, to some extent, the awkwardness of it all accumulates towards a better glimpse into the meaning of... love. The warrior of light...
There's a nice little quote that repeats itself over and over: "The only reasons for action... For Love. For Victory. For the glory of God."
I believe we, human beings, matter most in this Universe. This is sort of a way I found out I was totally against capital punishment. Perhaps by giving so much importance to ourselves I seem a bit arrogant, but, come to think of it - it shouldn't seem so. I love human beings most in this world. And I don't think that's wrong. It's one of the things that helped me believe in love profoundly, for so much of the time.
Surely we all say stuff like "love matters", and this and that, but, truth is, 99% of the time it means nothing - it's overused. It's actually acting those beliefs out that is rare in this world.
Coelho's book is not perfect, of course (Who is?), but it serves a purpose. And, if you can see that purpose right, you will not be sorry you read the book.
I, for one, have stumbled upon the book exactly at the right time in my life (again, I think), so that with all else I have accomplished lately, it has a very special meaning. Thus, "my soul has grown" (to quote Chris' saying), and I believe in the love I have even more than I did before.
Maybe a good way to read this book is with patience. Take your time, read it slow, think about it...
Alright, I'll stop here.
One more thing: I edited this post many times, so for those who got it by mail each time, sorry about that!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Life. Death. Big deal!
Meet my friend Anti-Paul. He will take you through a short journey today, as he has begged me to let him speak for himself. He's... different:
Speak to me. Say something. Don't act deaf, I know you can hear...
I think we're sick and tired of the same things. We're sick and tired of being told "Be good", "act like this", "it's wrong to do that", blah blah. Now, we act stupidly, crazily... we think we want freedom, or represent it. Or, if not that, then some form of non-conformity - refusal to follow the fashion. The path. Ha. Haha.
Whether you have dropped by this post for fun, looking for something to catch your eye, or are just "passing by" because you're bored, I am not going to meet your expectations. I am not gonna do anything good for you - and you know why? Because you're not expecting that. And who am I to exceed your expectations?
If you say you're not to be impressed, I am not gonna do that. What do you want from me? Why do you read these lines anyway? Don't you have a life to go to? Please, do that. Don't listen to what I have to say. You're probably not listening to what politics has to say, or, if you're an adolescent, to what your parents have to say. Why me?
I don't have anything to say. Not to you! "If I have something to say I'll keep it to myself. I know I can say it. I don't need you to show me that."
---
We use technology everyday. Have you a mobile phone? Perhaps. A computer? I'm guessing that's how you can read this. Internet? Wow. Probably this page gets to you through sattelite if you're not in the US. Wow. Do you even know how that works? What if the guy who invented the internet kept the idea to himself? Should he have decided not to share. He could've said "I know I can do it. I don't need you to show me that" or, perhaps, "I'll do it when I feel like it".
---
What if the devil wants to share his loneliness with you? Are you gonna offer to keep him company? He's gonna say "help me". Will you?
Would helping the devil kill him or make him stronger? Guess who came up with that?
"What does not kill me, makes me stronger." - Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888
Did you even know that he said that? I didn't, before.
Have you seen the movie Hellboy?
You should if you haven't.
---
What do you want? Do you want to feel shocked?
If you're a boy/man I might think you'd like to read some erotic shocking description that a girl has. Girls are curious too, you know, when they grow up. If you wanna read some nice and honest confessions, read Anne Frank's "Diary of a Young Girl"(Wikipedia reference). It's short and ... it's sweet.
Quote
Each time I have a period - and that has only been three times - I have the feeling that in spite of all the pain, unpleasantness, and nastiness, I have a sweet secret, and that is why, although it is nothing but a nuisance to me in a way, I always long for the time that I shall feel that secret within me again.
Sis Heyster also writes that girls of this age don't feel quite certain of themselves, and discover that they themselves are individuals with ideas, thoughts and habits. After I came here, when I was just fourteen, I began to think about myself soonar than most girls, and to know that I am a "person". Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night, I have a terrible desire to feel my breasts and to listen to the quiet rhythmic beat of my heart.
EndQuote
For a short excerpt go here, it's the best I could find.
Don't you get the feeling that you're an intruder? That you're not wanted between these honest private lines of writing? Told you that you should go, leave this page, but you wouldn't listen. When do you ever listen?
---
Yesterday I had a strange desire to look for where OK comes from. See this link!
---
I need a hug.
---
Are we really so alone in this world? Do you feel that the person closest to you HAS you in his/her life? I mean, by that, do you feel inside of that person? Or do you feel as just a pleasant nice guy with whom he/she likes hanging out? Is it or is it not about you?
...
...
...
We are much more alone than we think.
---
But there are also many more people with whom you wouldn't be alone. However, you have or will mijudge them - if you ever meet them even.
Isn't this world cruel?
---
We are not supposed to be happy all the time. Why, even according to Christianity! How come?
Should we be?
Does the idea of happily-ever-after tempt you? It doesn't work for me. Wouldn't eternal happiness be boring? Haha. Sad, but true. Happy is sad, how's that a paradox for you?
Read the previous post on Eternal Recurrence for a bit more about this (here).
---
If a stranger of opposite sex (presumably) approached you and said "I love you" would you believe it? How would you react?
(Possible reader thought (PRT): Why ask something useless like this?)
Can you reach the loudest yell? Can't you always yell louder?
(PRT: Or like this! Even more useless!)
Imagine a longtime-desired-kiss-of-your-dreams! (PRT: Yey!) Now, if that doesn't lift up your spirit, if that doesn't make you happy, it should make you very sad. You are lonely, or suffering, perhaps?
If neither happens, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Haha. See, I like that, I'm telling you what to feel. Hate me. (PRT: Okay)
---
Is all a human being wishe for that sense of ... connection, understanding... chemistry, with another entity?
What do you think?
Speak to me. Say something. Don't act deaf, I know you can hear...
I think we're sick and tired of the same things. We're sick and tired of being told "Be good", "act like this", "it's wrong to do that", blah blah. (PRT: I think I've read this before. H(u)mmm :-?)
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thought to question everything?
My first post after upgrading to blogger beta!
Hello ... world!
I've lived this past few weeks... without writing one single bit. And now I'm here, wishing ... for what? Inspiration, I guess. Time is so slow... yet so fast...
No matter, I've good subjects to write on now: Nietzsche (hard to spell right), and, of course, me...
Nietzsche said that humans have killed God... but how?
The following is from here, an excerpt of Nietzsche's "The Gay Science". If you want to read more, follow the link, or go here for a summary of Nietzsche's morality.
Quote:
The Madman. Have you ever heard of the madman who on a bright morning lighted a lantern and ran to the market-place calling out unceasingly: "I seek God! I seek God!" As there were many people standing about who did not believe in God, he caused a great deal of amusement. Why? is he lost? said one. Has he strayed away like a child? said another. Or does he keep himself hidden? Is he afraid of us? Has he taken a sea voyage? Has he emigrated? - the people cried out laughingly, all in a hubbub. The insane man jumped into their midst and transfixed them with his glances. "Where is God gone?" he called out. "I mean to tell you! We have killed him, you and I! We are all his murderers! But how have we done it? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the whole horizon? What did we do when we loosened this earth from its sun? Whither does it now move? Whither do we move? Away from all suns? Do we not dash on unceasingly? Backwards, sideways, forwards, in all directions? Is there still an above and below? Do we not stray, as through infinite nothingness? Does not empty space breathe upon us? Has it not become colder? Does not night come on continually, darker and darker? Shall we not have to light lanterns in the morning? Do we not hear the noise of the grave-diggers who are burying God? Do we not smell the divine putrefaction? - for even Gods putrefy! God is dead! God remains dead! And we have killed him! How shall we console ourselves, the most murderous of all murderers? The holiest and the mightiest that the world has hitherto possessed, has bled to death under our knife - who will wipe the blood from us? With what water could we cleanse ourselves? What lustrums, what sacred games shall we have to devise? Is not the magnitude of this deed too great for us? Shall we not ourselves have to become Gods, merely to seem worthy of it? There never was a greater event - and on account of it, all who are born after us belong to a higher history than any history hitherto!" Here the madman was silent and looked again at his hearers; they also were silent and looked at him in surprise. At last he threw his lantern on the ground, so that it broke in pieces and was extinguished. "I come too early," e then said. "I am not yet at the right time. This prodigious event is still on its way, and is traveling - it has not yet reached men's ears. Lightning and thunder need time, the light of the stars needs time, deeds need time, even after they are done, to be seen and heard. This deed is as yet further from them than the furthest star - and yet they have done it themselves!" It is further stated that the madman made his way into different churches on the same day, and there intoned his Requiem aeternam deo. When led out and called to account, he always gave the reply: "What are these churches now, if they are not the tombs and monuments of God?"
EndQuote
Nietzsche was a strange man, and ... you can see that if you read through the links. I'm too digressive and unfocused right now to pursue further inward Nietzsche's philosophy, but what I get from the tiny bits of material that I've read ... is a strong cohesion between ideas. There's a pessimism, and a strange state of trance. it's amazing how clear everything he says is... he is the kind of practical-direct philosopher, perhaps...
I wrote my reaction paper on him, below, on another piece of his philosophy:
Quote:
Nietzsche
One of the most influential and misunderstood philosophers of the modern era, Nietzsche criticized, among other things, Christianity. An interesting quote that I found on him was the following: “Never yield to remorse, but at once tell yourself: remorse would simply mean adding to the first act of stupidity a second.”(The Wanderer and his Shadow,s. 323, R.J. Hollingdale translation). This quote connects so well with Nietzsche’s sayings about the Eternal Recurrence!
Nietzsche resurrects the problem of recurrence (of life): What if everything was to repeat itself indefinitely? What if a demon came to us and said: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more”, he proposes. As Heidegger pointed out, Nietzsche never speaks about the reality of "eternal recurrence" itself, but about the "thought of eternal recurrence." (Wikipedia) As a matter of fact, anyone who has seen the movie “Groundhog Day” pretty much knows a bit or two about Eternal Recurrence. I’m sure most of us think about it one way or the other. Most of the times, probably, in the form of “Is/was there anyone exactly like me out there?” But, imagined upon ourselves, the idea of living the same life over and over again, even though not knowing it (or not being believed by anyone like in the movie above) seems absurd, intolerable, and terrifying; or, as Nietzsche says – “weigh[ing] upon your [our] actions as the greatest stress”. I find it very strange that we hope for similarity, yet when it comes to repetitiveness we are so afraid. The idea of Nietzsche’s Eternal Recurrence, though, is that it is mainly impossible to be that “well disposed” to be able to accept such a recurrence. So the very thought of reliving the life requires an optimistic view of life… Also, the Eternal Recurrence demands that we make every moment of our lives as interesting and as full as possible.
EndQuote
Let me move on... as I plan to recurr back to Nietzsche someday later on...
I have the strange feeling I'm getting closer to some dangerous truth about US. I'm not discriminating and I'm not criticizing. I'm observing... And I feel the people here are so... unhappy. Perhaps fullfilled, as much as you can say that about one who is not happy in the real meaning. They might be excited or enthusiastic about something, but I've not seem them happy... not as I know happiness is. And, since, like all of us, I would rather not question my judgement until proven guilty, I feel I am right: you are not happy, are you, Americans?
It's like... 99 percent of the people I see everyday don't really honestly communicate; I don't sense that feeling of community, of... symbiosis between two or more people. Where is it? What happened to it? Not even between lovers I don't see it. Maybe it's hidden, maybe it's how it's here...
However I am not an utopist so I will admit that I've seen some people who are contempt and seem to know or have known happiness. Very few, but alive and breathing...
I'm in love. Yes, she's an alien! But she's my fuzzy alien!
I'm sad. Yes, she's away. Yes, I am still looking for my home, again.
I feel peaceful. Could it be the picture?
I feel loved. I feel missed. I feel alone and never alone. I am in the middle of... nothing. Somewhere, everywhere, something somehow will somewhat happen. I feel... too much, too little? Some things cannot be too much. Or too little. This would be a good start for a theory of nothigness
I can't... can I? I can't make you think. I can't make you move. I can't make you curious... I am weak... and you are inert. You are dead... but did I kill you? If we are all so liveless, how can God be alive? What do you feel everyday?... Question that, now not later...
Keep yourself alive.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
[PTP] A frightening reality
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of
adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet, 'Meditations Divine and Moral,' 1655
Are we really that much utilitarian today, that we cannot consider anything absolute? Does EVERYTHING have to be relative? Why? Why why why?
To quote John (actor Peter MacNicol), from the Ally McBeal series, "this troubles me". Being utilitarian is being practical. Saying that the right thing is that which brings the most good to the greatest number of people - extremely practical.
But shockingly unpleasant. Utilitarianism is also hand-in-hand with consequentialism (a.k.a. only the facts matter), so... if a lawyer can show that a murderer had no intention of killing the victim, then the penalty is milder. But, say, what if - there's always the "what if?" - what if he really did intend to?...
Our society is based on the most practical solution, but our mind is (or should be) inclined towards the other one - called deontological. I suddenly had the feeling that every model we have all had while growing up is fake. Yet, the clichees we experience all around us - about happiness, and doing good, and the lonely "saints" that eventually end up happy, with the love of their lives - yes, they are all illusions. We are mere "numbers" to the society. Is the way the judicial (law) system is built now really the best solution we have come up with in thousands of years of inhabiting this planet?
Einstein said it best: "Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
(picture from here)
"Don't think you are going to conceal thoughts by concealing evidence that they ever existed." - Dwight D. Eisenhower, speech at Dartmouth College, June 14, 1953 - FALSE, you can concieve thoughts. It's all consequences!
"So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after." - Ernest Hemingway - You said it! This is utilitarianism in it's most horrific form...
Okay. Where am I getting at? Since today is not a very coherent day for me, I'll just say it: Immanuel Kant
For Kant, the morally important thing is not consequences but the way choosers think when they make choices.
Kant says that only one [kind of] thing is inherently good, and that is the good will.
The will
* found in humans but not nonhuman animals
* not a material thing
* it is our power of rational moral choice
* its presence gives humans their inherent dignity
What makes the will good? The will is good when it acts out of duty, not out of inclination.
What does it mean to act out of inclination? To do something because it makes you feel good or because you hope to gain something from it.
What does it mean to act out of duty? Kant says this means that we should act from respect for the moral law.
How do we do that? We must know what the moral law is.
How do we know that? We use the "Categorical Imperative".
CATEGORICAL IMPERATIVE: Act only on those maxims (or rules of action) that you could at the same time will to be a universal law.
Basically, every time you act, you create a universal law. Would you like others to do the same? Would you like to do the same everytime? (Oh, there's a great comedy to illustrate this point - Click (2006) with Adam Sandler:D)
The Categorical Imperative is a rule for testing rules.
Basically it requires the following steps:
* Before you act, consider the maxim or principle on which you are acting.
* Generalize that principle.
* PERFORM TEST ONE.
If, once generalized, it no longer makes any sense because it contradicts itself, then it is wrong to use that maxim as a basis for action.
* IF NECESSARY PERFORM TEST TWO (a.k.a. Reversibility)
If the generalized version makes sense, then ask whether you would choose to live in a world where it was followed by everyone. If not, do not act on that maxim.
(Source for summary on Kant's philosophy here)
Another thing that Kant said, which is equivalent to the Categorical Imperative is "Do not treat others as means to an end (a.k.a. do not use them), rather as ends themselves."
If you wish to read about morality in Kant's vision (and I do recommend the texts, real modern philosophy!), I have gathered a couple of webplaces. Click here for a short writing (the one I've read and commented a bit here). Or follow the links below:
A huge archive of Kant's work
Some texts in various formats, directly linked
So... which are you? Utilitarian? Deontological? I think a part of us are somewhat a bit of both - but most are just... mainly utilitarian. Sad :( Where's the love?
(picture from here)
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Little obsessions
What? You've never had them?
So... what makes me weird?
Well, if you're out there on the streets, and we meet, I'll probably look at you. In your eyes. For color? Nay. I like faces... and I love to feel. Faces are the parts of the human body that make me feel most. And, since I'm straight, it works better with girls' faces.
I've listened to two of the Pussycat Dolls' songs today - "Beep", and "Don't cha". There's something funny in them, and something true. In a way, the best way to put this is in Bloodhoung Gang lyrics - "we are nothing but mammals". And, we have to admit that, in a sense, a part of us always desires things that seem strange to the other part. In support of this statement (ooooh, look how fancy I argue) I quote Kierkegaard (funny how every time I feel like writing something, there's a "coincidence" in what I've read to quote from): "Generally speaking, the imperfection in everything human is that its aspirations are achieved only by way of their opposites. I shall not discuss the variety of formations, which can give a psychologist plenty to do (the melancholy have the best sense of the comic, the most opulent often the best sense of the rustic, the dissolute often the best sense of the morel, the doubter often the best sense of the religious), but merely call to mind that it is through sin that one gains a first glimpse of salvation." - No comment. Author: Soren Kierkegaard, Either/Or (chapter "Diapsalmata")
Don't we wish, somehow, that the childhood obsessions about stuff... the impression of the first child we've "made friends" with, or the first peck-kiss, or the first look of a girl/boy, or the first time you combed/brushed your hair. Oh gee! How can you not desire a glimpse of childhood heaven back? Wouldn't you like someone to lift you off your feet, over and over again? We're all lucky if we find that someone - and we probably should hold on tight. The warmth of another, and the memory of that warmth, means more and more, brings you closer to that glimpse of heaven...
I don't know, I'm kinda the company-type, I need someone by my side, with whom to share my feelings. I have people, and I have words. I feel it gives my life a meaning - to be able to feel the way I can/cannot dream of, and have someone else with me to prove it. Maybe, somehow, by myself I'm not sure that the truth is ... real. It's like two truths are better than one.
Yes. Kierkegaard again, same work: "The most beautiful time is the first period of falling in love, when, from every encounter, every glance, one fetches home something new to rejoice over."
I have a quote in one of the polls - it says "To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven" - Karen Sunde
(picture on the left from here)
And again, Kierkegaard: "I have, I believe, the courage to doubt everything; I have, I believe, the courage to fight against everything; but I do not have the courage to acknowledge anything, the courage to possess, to own, anything. Most people complain that the world is so prosaic that things do not go in life as in the novel, where opportunity is always favorable. I complain that in life it is not as in the novel, where one has hardheaded fathers and nisses and trolls to battle, and enchanted princesses to free. What are all such adversaries together compared with the pale, bloodless, tenacious-of-life nocturnal forms with which I battle and to which I myself give life and existence." Indeed, IF ONLY we could imagine the real world!
But, say that we could. Wouldn't it be impossible for things to be as we desire? I think so. We are merely NOT FACING THE WORLD. And, under the pressure of everyday life, I don't blame you. But we have to try, again and again... ah, life is so unfair.
We are strange. Watch Ally McBeal. Think of democracy - it's stupid. It's false for you, whoever you are; but at least it's true for the rest. Another way to say this is ... everyone in power claims it is democracy, everyone undermined claims it is not.
We should know we have strange desires. Read Freud, kiss a tree, watch a raindrop fall, run naked through your house, stare at yourself in the mirror, be surprised by how/who you are, break a glass, jump through fire, open your eyes underwater even if they hurt, rock yourself until you're deaf, make a hat out of a watermelon. What? What? WHAAAT? Maybe I haven't said enough, but you get the point. And if I would have gone on, I probably could say now: "I'm sure there's one thing in this list that you did or thought about doing" - because we are weird! We have to accept that.
I mean, of course, we should also get acquainted with our weird desires, so that we know what to expect, or what to warn others to expect :D. But... part of being is accepting. Or at least understanding... We might all differ at some points, but we are human beings. And, to some extent, we shouldn't be ashamed or trying to hide our ... secrets, from everyone, all the time. Be they fetishes, phobias, or any other kind of obsession... we all have some, one way or the other. And the stressing life we lead helps them increase in number and intensity... we want relief, peace... happiness, each of us in a personal form.
(picture from here)
This excerpt is from my Engl1A course, a free writing based on a single word ("WITNESS"):
"I'm reading a book now, it's called 'London transports', written by Maeve Binchy. I've read another one of hers before, but this one's different. A collection of little stories, all with no real connection to one another, except London. Now, what does this have to do with witness? Well, I always feel like one when I'm reading this book. Every 10-or-so page story has a mind and soul of its own, and makes me think about me, and the characters, and how the reader is a witness to those. I wonder if one day I'll be able to write a short story like that, that'll make other people feel like short-time witnesses of my world. I think a lot about writing, and I witness it in every book. I've started to write because of... well, guess? I guess it's why most people start writing anyhow: it's because I couldn't handle the pressure of my own thoughts. I had to let them out, and after I did, it felt so great that I wanted to do it again. Now, I don't know if I am to become a writer, but I had a revelation about how wonderful it could be, a few years ago. It's really strange, cause I'm a science freak, and a computer one, but I love it more than anything else. Except people."
And this is another one, based on the "KNOWLEDGE":
Sides of truth. One way to think of knowledge is so sad, it makes knowing something not worth it: the more you know, the more you realize there's much more to know. Kind of like climbing a mountain, the higher you are, the smaller you feel, and the more you see...
Another way to think about it is feeling. You can feel knowledge, just because it is comprised of "the outside", and it can be words, images, sounds ... sculptures? No matter, knowledge is felt, and some say the best way to know and learn is to give everything special meaning.
There's a quote on knowledge, by H.R. Pagels: "What we want is knowledge, but what we get is information". This just means that people wish knowledge wasn't so meaningful, in a way." (in another way...)
Okay. Since God's (or whoever/whatever's, as you wish to believe) powers of time are greater than my own, I shall approach the end of what I thought would be a long consistent confession...
... Who/What do you think of before you go to bed?
Monday, September 18, 2006
[New story] The contemplative seagull
Pictures: Pescadero Beach, CA"You don't know what I see out there. You don't even SEE, not to talk about knowing! I am for you like you are for God - just one... encounter. Is it? Maybe... I see...
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"
I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Why are you not, do you know? I'm looking at you, can't you see?Raise your hand if you've ever felt out of this world. Can't you see, for God's sake (or mine, if not) that you're not even trying? Are you even in touch? 99% of the time you live the life of man. YOU have created this life... and it is not life as any of us, creatures, know it. Your living is for the society, or/and for something virtual. VIRTUAL. What is life to you? Is it really life? What is the life of man? It can't even be called that, anymore. Look at you, you pathetic worm. Okay, I don't mean that. I'm just a bird, what do I know...
No, I'm not upset with you. You shouldn't go away just like that... you should listen to what you don't like, as I hope you still have in you the last bit of humanity to recognize that you are not what you were born to be, you are not... human. Do you think you are?Look at this. What do you see?
Yes. I have brothers and sisters. Have you?Look, I don't want you to think too much. I don't want to harm you; but maybe you could feel... the world. Is there a real world? Don't you prefer not to live in it? Why? Why, why, why? Didn't your (man)kind make this world into the 'as is' version of today? Do you hate mankind? Or any man? Why? Do you FEEL yourself? Cause I think you just ignore the very base of your existence - YOU. What is this 'I' people are always talking about? What's your self, personal identity, your being and time?
Why are you alone even with me? I am here, you are here. Other human beings are here, other birds are here. Why, then, you are alone?
So, maybe you did something stupid. Maybe you don't know who you are. If you do, congrats! Would you tell a bird that?... Ehhh, time to think about it...
I still live the old way - fight for the food, look for my love, fly out into the ocean... and even if I get caught in the wave...
... I always remember who I am, and what I'm doing here, in this world...Do I care about you? Of course I don't.
That's why I'll leave you alone now...
Or should I leave you with your self?"There's an allegory of the cave, better concerning with the discrepance between what is real and what is imaginary. A preconception of The Matrix, now popular movie, in some way. Long story short, some people are held facing the wall of a cave; they see the shadows of objects projected by fire and eventually one of them breaks free of the "slavery". What happens next, and between, you may see in the text. Although the assumptions or the words may seem a bit out of their place for you (or better said, you might disagree with how thoughts are displayed), the ideas behind the text are marvelous in themselves, and are the beginning of a new thinking. A great quote I found on this is "When facing our reality with another, we are afraid to look behind the shadows, to transcend."
This is it, and here's the link to the text: The Republic, by Plato
Oh, and, if you're interested in debating anything about this post, just... leave a comment ffs! :D
Special thanks to:
Marius, for most of the pictures
Also thanks to:
The "Intro to philosophy" course, and the great "unpredictable laws of nature" (quoting my teacher) for timing this just right.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
[PTP] Aristotle - MY STATEMENT
Picture:Wonder Mountain, Toronto Area, Ontario, Canada
... i know, it doesn't look real...
MY STATEMENT
I think it's amazing, I really do... Just look at what he's saying, carefully: happiness is virtue. Virtue is ... balance, equilibrium, a state of character... So the secret of happiness would be... the middle road? I find that's plausible. I mean, although it's a bit idealistic for a man to be able to judge all these "means" (and he talks about them a lot too, in the next chapters), in my own experience I found that (adolescent) adventures which exceed the mean area are ... actually in there. The activity of doing something which brings you contempt, peace, fulfillment, intensity... all of these, even associated with pleasure (or passion, as he often says), have a MEAN (Aristotle's Golden Mean). It makes sense. And, furthermore, it's extremely well sought by religion, I bet. It's not just a coincidence that it goes way up to our times.
So, the soul is:
1. Vegetative - Plant-like, representing growth and nurturing <=> nature's call of "time to change"
2. Appetitive - Animal-like, full of desire, passion and essentially good/bad feelings (determined by wants and their results as ACTIONS/ACTIVITIES)
3. Rational (Reason) - The one thing that separates us from the rest. This also has to do with self-consciousness, belief, and... most importantly, with virtue and happiness.
Although it may not be clear that this is the way we are, he is right to some extent. You could, almost perfectly, split all of man's existance into three cathegories, and put them each in one of these 1,2,3... Right?
So, in his vision (and somewhat in mine), happiness has nothing to do with anything except... activities of the soul. Although, for me, the deepest and most rewarding activity of the soul is love, (and I am still young, yes, maybe that has a bit to do with it) I also find knowledge, sport, or art, very intense activities. Perhaps there are others... so, to be optimistic, you can look at it this way: there's a thousand ways to be happy! Really! So smile, then think of what is you and do it!
ALSO READ:
Aristotle - The basics
Aristotle - Happiness
Monday, August 28, 2006
[New story] Back to life...
back to reality... or not. This is so unreal...
You can't imagine what it's like to be here, now, when just 3 weeks ago you were in Ro. It's so different... maybe in a good way. I'm starting to figure out more and more about how things work around here, and, you know what? I think that if you FEEL on track, you have a greater chance of actually being on it. And I feel that one can do a whole lot of adaptation, and ... change the world?! Maybe?! It's just ... a chance. Everyone's different here. You can be anyone. Nobody will see you as being "too unusual". They're all unusual.
Americans are practical people. Maybe they're not as smart or cultured as us (or the Europeans), but they certainly have a pleasant, relaxed way of living. Sure, when you go to someone for a problem, he only knows either how to help you, or who to send you to (usually you end up in the second case if you don't know how the system works). Maybe you find it silly to get sent from office to office, because they don't communicate, they don't know each other that well, and they are only taught what they need to know... but the way you're treated makes up for that. If in Ro there's that "get the hell out of my way and move on to ya biz" attitude, here... people smile at you. And... that's weird, sure, but, you know, it actually makes you feel better?! And, like it or not, people are weaker here. "The law" cares if you are morally agressed (and Americans are sensitive to that), while in Ro, it just don't give a damn :D.
We could learn education, but they're really bad with math. I mean... really, really bad. And our children are gonna be the same by how the Romanian education is evolving... :(
My mom's taking care of a little boy now, some friends', and I went to see them today. I have always had that feeling that I don't know what to do around little children. You know, they've got these... analogies for every word they know... like... liloo meant ambulance, or anything that makes a siren-like sound. He understood Romanian, he even knew a few words, but mostly he "talked" in English. He's only two years old. We watched cartoons together (at least those I understand better :D). Children are fascinating...
Anyone who can read this better write me something, cause I'll be really waiting for a sign... any sign, especially from my Romanians. Just imagine what it's like to hear so little from the place you're so far away from, all of a sudden. I miss you all...
I like my math classes (even though I got an 8/10 on my last homework - but I have a reason for that, I did it in 30 minutes from the teacher's book, cause I had to give it back to him asap), they're fun. Even though it's easy yet, ... And I like it that I get to learn Java in my Computer Science lecture&lab. And today I was in a Introduction to philosophy class... I hope I'll be able to enroll, cause it was kinda full; but it was really nice. Teachers here are much more enjoyable people, fun to be around; they like to make jokes, speak lively, tell from their own experience... personalize. There's only one other place in the world I felt this warm (and fuzzy; speaking of you, where you at?): my high school!
I know: it's only been a week since I started college, but I already feel different than I felt in Ro, in high school. I think I'll make my life full here too. I like to have a full life; sports, math, computer science, english and philosophy... maybe something else, but these are my most certain passions.
Romania, where are you? (Scooby-Dooby-Doo)
...
You are not alone. I am here with you. Whether you like it or not, we are stuck together. In sickness, and in health, we were born ... to ... BE. And we were born together.
Whether we like it or not, we are here to live, all on the same planet, and we have to understand the world around us means the actual world - not some living fantasy, not "the people of today only". It means a LIFE. If you just go from human to human and leave nothing behind, you are... nothing. Either morally or ... as a presence, as an entity, you should BE. To be remembered is not necessarily a good thing, but it might be, if you do it right.
Today in philosophy we learned the comparison BEING vs BECOMING. We, each of us, is a being. Every being is different from another. And a being cannot be created. God is the only one who can create beings... that's what separates us from him. No man can think the non-being. That's a rule - you can't think NOTHINGNESS. I think that's very interesting. See, we have this picture of nothing: it's usually dark, to some people white... and that's kinda it. Sure, you can imagine it another color. But if nothing were to BE, wouldn't it be in black&white?:)
Absolute being is absolute reality. The reason we can't achieve absolute being is that we're always hindered by the becoming. To become means to change... Oh, you should hear these passages. Wait a sec, I have the book, I'll copy some passsages:
{from Indian philosophy}
Rg Veda (read Rig Veda) - Hymm of Creation
1. Non-being then existed not, nor being:
There was no air, nor sky that is beyond it.
What was concealed? Wherein? In whose protection?
And was there deep unfathomable water?
{Here, the idea of nothingness being first, and then... the idea that the fundament of existence is water, also found in the later Greek philosophy - Thales}
[...]
3. Darkness there was at first by darkness hidden.
Without distinctive marks, this all was water.
That which, becoming, by the void was covered.
That One by force of heat came into being.
{Came into being... interesting. By heat? Just think about it - over 3500 years ago, these people had some kind of Big Bang theory of their own!}
6. Who knows for certain? Who shall here declare it?
Whence was it born, and whence came this creation?
The gods were born after this world's creation:
Then who can know from whence it has arisen?
7. None knoweth whence creation has arise;
And whether he has or has not produced it;
He who surveys it in the highest heaven,
He only knows, or haply he may know not.
{Here we have the unique idea that God was created after nothing. Not even He existed before... And also that nobody can tell anything about this creation - it's just a speculation.
The final two lines show the fact that the human being's quest for the answer to "How did it happen?" is contempt, happy and satisfied even with the idea of having tried, having asked himself that question.}
Tell me if you find any of this interesting... We also studied a bit of Tao, Thales, Confucius, Pithagoras...
// By the way, I just saw Big Momma's house 2, and definitely recommend it :)
Hello Romania! I'm back to life. And I'll be on my feet, I hope. Searching this place for the most I can make of myself, I suppose... I just wanna let me be... me. Fuzzy...
"Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time." - Georgia O'Keeffe - End of Chapter sixteen
Thursday, August 17, 2006
[New story] "Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be." - William Adams (explorer)
Chapter fifteen
Perhaps I meant to choose this title as for a new beginning... Actually, the most meaningful part is the word "explorer". That's how I feel like. That's how I hope I'll act out to be...
Gee, this is a new life. Hey, you all! I just joined USA for college! I could think very well of a "I will always remember" list right now... Maybe I'm not gone from Romania for good, but I'm surely not returning there soon...
It's been a week. Hey, you know what? Even if there's a lot of shadow, and the image is blurry... I know it will be well. I can see patches of light. And it's a new start! And I haven't lost anything, I am not alone. I will never be...
I have the courage to step forward and say: "YES, I am going to start a new life. YES, I shall be myself at all times. YES, you will always be with me..."
I miss you and I miss my home.
I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time: here I go, again on my ooooooooown.... you kno the song?
Okay, so... I'm back. I'll be writing l.s.s. part two soon...
I can see patches of light. Can you?
Can you?
...
We're here together, me and you, cause I'm taking you with me.
I wish I had more words... but I don't. I'll find someone(thing) that does. Here, just an excerpt:
From “The Metamorphosis”
By Franz Kafka
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." - Audrey Hepburn - End of Chapter fifteen
