The unexpected

Quote:
In psychology, there is a concept called learned helplessness, which arose from a series of animal experiments in the nineteen-sixties at the University of Pennsylvania...

... Dogs were restrained by a harness, so that they couldn't move, and then repeatedly subjected to a series of electrical shocks. Then the same dogs were shocked again, only this time they could easily escape by jumping over a low hurdle. But most of them didn't; they just huddled in the corner, no longer believing that there was anything they could do to influence their own fate. Learned helplessness is now thought to play a role in such phenomena as depression and the failure of battered women to leave their husbands, but one could easily apply it more widely. We live in an age, after all, that is strangely fixated on the idea of helplessness: we're fascinated by hurricanes and terrorist acts, and epidemics like SARS - situations in which we feel powerless to affect our own destiny. In fact, the risks posed to life and limb by forces outside our control are dwarfed by the factors we can control. Our fixation with helplessness distorts our perception of risk. "When you feel safe, you can be passive," Rapaille says of the fundamental appeal of the S.U.V. "Safe means I can sleep. I can give up control. I can relax. I can take off my shoes. I can listen to music." For years, we've all made fun of the middle-aged man who suddenly trades in his sedate family sedan for a shiny red sports car. That's called a midlife crisis. But at least it involves some degree of engagement with the act of driving. The man who gives up his sedate family sedan for an S.U.V. is saying something far more troubling - that he finds the demands of the road to be overwhelming. Is acting out really worse than giving up?
EndQuote
Even though the passage mostly relates to driving safety, and how S.U.Vs are much more dangerous than cars - easier to control, the appearance of safety and helplessness is very broad (as the article itself says). It's easy to give up what you believe and adopt something that seems safer or more comfortable. It's easier to just enjoy life and run away because you can't handle it. It's easy to pretend the past never happened, give up, and fight for something new. Or just think of it as "moving on". But is that what we should be doing instead of "acting out"?

---

I've spent a lot of the past weeks trying to understand yet another curiosity about human nature. Also trying to figure out who I am. Looking back, I've changed so much from who I was 4-5 years ago. I'm more confident, more of a believer. Back then I was more of a hoper. And as I looked through my past I've learned one critical aspect of understanding oneself, or anyone else as a matter of fact:
It is much easier to understand someone by understanding what that one is thinking, by looking above the words, and seeing the idea behind the thought, the original launch site. Descending into another being's soul (or mind), or even my own, is a whole process. It's like imagining yourself in a blank room - just white, no shape, no time, no space - and then coloring the surroundings with impressions, ideas, facts, hunches, feelings, anything will do. On the whole, you start to get a picture of who the person is and how that correlates to you - even more likely since you are in the middle of the room. Now, you might not be one of those people that like putting themselves in other people's shoes, but I am. And I love doing it, struggling to understand, feeling what the other is feeling. What's interesting is that 99% of the time this doesn't necessarily have to do anything with analyzing the other person. By actually trying to live in that other world I get such a good picture of it that I don't have to think about his or her inner feelings and thoughts, instead find myself already knowing some of them.

I'm also a believer in self-education. Since probably most of us are twisted human beings, either because of our (often traumatizing) childhood experiences, or surprisingly bad things happening one after the other, or maybe just the plain old go-with-the-flow-forget-who-you-are-along-the-way kind of thing, I strongly promote (slow-)careful-paced self-control and self-manipulation. Even though that may sound evil (>:)) to some of you, it's not... not in the right hands that is. And love yourself. Appreciate yourself. Don't forget that you are most at knowledge of what's inside of you and always exert your ability to see yourself through others - the better you're at it the more confident you will be in what you do. I've recently been told how important it is not to use strong words such as 'never', 'always', 'very'. It's always very important never to forget that :))

Time was slow, life was empty, I guess the beginning is often the hardest part. For a while I thought that the universe was holding me back. Now I see IT has actually been pushing me forward - thank you God, for your blessing. Aside from the sudden boost of energy that I had (I've been sleeping much less because of that, I felt so well rested, amazing!), I've been more determined to fight for myself and to see that I can do anything: without boundaries, without any inhibitions that I might've had when I was younger. Yes, damn it! I am a fighter! And I will keep being who I've always been, I will keep doing the things I've done and start the things I want to do.

Sometimes the best way of arguing something to someone is through that someone's words, through his/her thinking. In writing whatever it is I'm trying to write, I've usually thought that when the target of the essay is "any reader", I can only be myself. And I consider myself a bit better when it comes to person-to-person discussion, perhaps a reason I think I could become a therapist or something similar. Today I've added the "Contact me" link on this blog. You can write me personally... Here's a quote from Terry Pratchett's The Colour of Magic: "... the dimension of the imagination is much more complex than those of time and space, which are very junior dimensions indeed..." Sometimes the best way to understand someone is by abandoning yourself and living through their eyes, through their imagination. That someone might even help you with a good description, heh.

I've taken a math exam today. Quite predictably, last night at 11 p.m. I was still studying for it (typical student attitude, isn't it?), when I noticed how fast I went through the book. It has about 800 pagess. Addmitedly, I didn't go through all of them, yet after an hour I almost did 200. And it took me 4 hours, skipping some chapters too. Of course it can be done faster than that. And I only skipped through, carefully reading all the definitions I found and looking at the hardest exercices (if I could do the hardest, the others wouldn't be a problem, right?). It has been a while since I thought math, or learned anything fast-paced at all, except reading and writing essays. I remembered why I like it so much: I enjoy building up on the skeleton of reasoning - in math's case: math reasoning. It's like a sort of pyramid, you learn and learn and build up until you reach the top. It won't fall if you ommit a couple of bricks along the way, but it would not last that long; nor would it be easier to keep building up afterwards. Try being good at math, then not doing it for quite a while, then coming back, and see how easy it seems to catch up, and how creative it is. That's how it was for me, I was in top shape, really! And I hope I'll pass. It was actually fun. Missed it...


Recently, I was hit by a wall, metaphorically speaking. "Carpe diem" - Live (in) the moment. That's what I hear, that's what I've heard. Unfortunately, this great phrase often has to do with frustration, abandonment, the refusal to fight or the need for plain ol' human enjoyment. I believe we all do it from time to time, whether we like it or not. However, a life lived by such standards is usually very empty - that's the life of a non-believer. What makes people non believers? Failing. Being overpowered. Lost. Exhausted. Underestimating obstacles. Overestimating themselves, or living in a dreamworld for too long. I think this too goes like a roller coaster: the 'downs' are those moments when you just don't believe anything you used to anymore, yet justify every act of yours by the same phrase: "carpe diem", either in this form or in relation to others. Say, time - it's about time I did this, or age - I'm too young for this, or space - the obstacles are too much for me. Then the 'ups' would be those moments when life has so much meaning that you feel it through every inch of your body.
So, my advice to you is: don't "carpe diem" through life for too long, or you'll end up lost and empty. One point of being alive is making a difference, and to believe in making that difference. Wandering around undecided about anything is wasting time. Unless, of course, you are searching for what you're supposed to do (hate this clichee, give me a better one). It's true: life's much more enjoyable if you just take in everything life has to offer, make it a rule not to sacrifice too much or to keep yourself within the limits that you think of yourself as being - those are all killers of the truth, the bigger truth, which, in my opinion, encompasses every little thing there is to know, feel, and understand in this world. I just realised last week how much I believe in love. And that's been true since back then, 4-5 years ago. I believe in devoting yourself to whatever it is that you are involved in, to believe in what you do and follow life with care and involevement. True, there is too much happening and so little room in your mind (or heart, although...) for all of this. Uhm... yeah. NO! Actually, your mind is unlimited, as far as you consider the short life you're gonna live, you are 99% unlikely to ever fill up your head fully. Since we probably use little of our brain for focused thinking and reasoning - because we're lazy, not to talk about memory, you're unlikely to ever run out of space :). So, you can't really put too much brain into it. And the heart is even bigger, as most human beings are capable of a wide range of emotions and remember them to a very great extent. We're fascinating beings, you and me! Really! Be happy for that! Live life. And believe in yourself. And in life. I can't tell you to believe in love, you might feel something else is most important. There might be. There's so much to fight for... and so few fighters.

I want to learn to write with my left hand. It's one of my wishes from childhood actually, cause I was originally left handed, but was sort of forced to write with my right hand. And now I want both. Ambidextrous, that's how it's called.
Too much talk about me, I feel. But I hope that you can see yourself somewhere along these lines. Understanding someone else is a priceless thing sometimes. We can learn something even from the people we least expect to teach us. The moment will come when the unexpected happens. That's life, isn't it?

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)

Nimic nou sub soare...

As I've been trying to say, I've started to post some things on another site (a couple of weeks ago actually): http://gewissen.wordpress.com
[RO] To address my Romanian readers, but not a last post:

Dragi cititori, cei care ati mai ramas in viata pe blogul meu anyways... Nu inchid blogul, nu am de ce. Doar m-am hotarat sa incep ceva mai... organizat, si dupa ceva experienta la bloguit m-am saturat sa tot schimb template-ul in incercarea de a gasi o imagine mai personala si calda a sitului. Oricum am schimbat-o mi s-a spus (si de cele mai multe ori am fost de acord) ca a devenit mai putin personala, mai rece. Asa ca scriu... in mai multe parti...

Azi a fost o zi in care am dat la o parte panza de sentimente, frustrari, si tensiune care s-a asternut de-a lungul lunilor mele Americane, si am vazut ceva mai mult din mine. Gauri, mici sau mari. Determinarea cu care am venit aici sa fac din lumea asta lumea mea si sa nu ma schimbe ea pe mine. Pare-mi-se (un cuvant special pt mine ce mai) ca am crescut putin. Am avut vise multe inainte sa vin, dar stiti ce? Am crescut. Si eu, si visele. Si visele nu erau doar ale mele. Si nici nu sunt. Sunt ale noastre... Nu am renuntat sa lupt, dar am invatat inca lucruri noi despre ce inseamna 'a lupta'. Viata mea imi cere mult mai multa maturitate decat credeam (ce surpriza). Multe din cele ce credeam ca sunt 'acceptabile' sau 'trecatoare' s-au dovedit a fi gresite, si nu doar pentru ca s-a schimbat locul unde ma aflu. Nu, chiar erau gresite. Trebuia sa vad asta. Azi, consemnez: cresc. Poate ce v-as ura eu voua daca ati spune acelasi lucru: nu uita sa pastrezi copilul din tine acolo unde el chiar era la locul lui...
Da, copilul vreau sa ramana in viata. Poate de asta tin la mine. Altfel, sunt doar un oarecare. Prin el am si realizat ca sunt in stare sa ma comport, in sfarsit, nu numai la modul "da-mi aia, vreau aia, nu vreau sa accept aia". Acum accept. Invat. Traiesc. Cresc.
Suntem liberi... si sunt momente cand cred ca pot vedea dincolo de toate pretextele, pot vedea... in realitatea mea. Si nu numai a mea... Dar ma vei recunoaste, voi fi acelasi din prima clipa, si mai mult. Nu te voi striga. Am invatat. Am acceptat.
Accept. Invat. Traiesc. Cresc. Cresc.

Si oare cui ii pasa de toate astea? Nu conteaza. Consemnez... pentru mine macar. Cu pasi mici, incet-incet... cu optimism sau nu... dar trebuie sa supravietuim, nu? Fiecare dintre noi. Oricat mi-as dori uneori sa pot face orice... Poate intr-o zi chiar o sa fac ceva pentru lumea asta. Pentru ceilalti... caci eu singur nu contez. Dar cresc. Cresc. Si invat. Accept. Traiesc... Pentru cine stie piesa de teatru, "Si fluturii sunt liberi"... vreau sa zbor si sa zambesc cu toata fiinta... Te salut, realitate! Bine-ai venit!

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)

Cine? Tu. Ce? Eu. 2.

O poveste (A story)
(LANG = RO)
Schimbarea nu vine singura. Daca astept astept astept, degeaba. Nu, nu merg nicaieri, nu asa. Prost.
Prost.
Prost.
Prost.
Nu stiu ce-am crezut. Nu stiu ce cred.
De ce nu sunt pierdut?...

Sunt singur, mic, neputincios. De ce oare tin atat de mult sa tin la mine?
Nu, de azi, nu mai imi pasa. Nu mai dau doi bani pe mine. Am murit.
Nu stiu daca o sa renasc. Dar sper sa nu mai fiu la fel. M-am saturat.
Ce ma ajuta sa nu ma dau cu capul de pereti? M-as duce chiar acum. Ar fi bine. Ma duc, si daca e, poate ma intorc. Ziua e lunga, am timp.
Cretin.
Stupid.
Inert.
Mort.
De ce sa lupt pentru ceea ce cred, cand pot sa caut fericirea in alta parte? Sa nu mai lupt.
E mai bine fara.
Nu...
Dar nu pot...
Nu pot...
Vreau sa doara mai tare. Ajuta-ma.
Cateodata pare usor, pare banal, nu pare grav. Cateodata.
greu
complicat
grav
_-_-_
Love means never having to say "i'm sorry"
-_-_-
Love means sometimes it's beter to let go
_____
Pot? Nu pot.
Nu pot? Ba pot.
Ba nu pot...
Ah, dar daca...
dar...
dar...
Ma invart in cerc.
Azi, am terminat cu mine.
Azi, nu eu fac, face el. El, noul eu.
Noul eu nu e eu, e cineva. Hotarat, dar care nu stie,
visator, indragostit, paralel, afectat.
schimbator.
spontan.
greu de digerat.
nu stiu cum sa-l fac. dar imi jur, azi, 16 decembrie ora 3:35PM ca nu ma dau batut pana nu scap de mine. vreau sa-mi evadez. definitiv. sa nu ma uit, dar sa plec.
intr-o zi (visam demult) o sa-mi iau 3 carti, un creion si un ghiozdan (acel ghiozdan) si o sa plec, sa stau afara, nu in casa. cu sau fara oameni. cu ea in suflet.
asteptam demult momentul asta. am cautat-o singur, am vrut subconstient probabil... mi-am facut-o cu mana mea. am facut raul si acum sunt motivat. asta cautam?
orice ar fi, ma lasa gol pe dinauntru. ce poate fi mai rau... se poate si mai rau? Se poate.
ce-o sa fie, ce-o sa fie?
Me: trebuie
Me: sa uit tot ceea ce sunt
Me: sa iau de la capat
Me: sa-mi aduc aminte
Me: cine eram
Me: si sa uit
Me: problemele
Me: si sa uit
Me: reactiile
Me: si sa nu uit
Me: ce conteaza cu adevarat
...
Si sa uit tot. Si sa nu uit... nimic.
Vreau sa dispar, si sa apar la loc.
Cand? Niciodata. Niciodata n-o sa zic niciodata. Iata, n-am zis niciodata!

De azi, eu nu mai sunt. Nu mai contez. Sau contez abia dupa restul (echivalent). Fac ceva, tot timpul. Ea va fi intotdeauna.
Nu mai fortez nimic. Adresez, comunic, sper.
Ma rog mie.
Ma rog, sau nu ma rog? Nu ma rog.
Nu merit.
Mai bine sunt praf.
Distrus.
E prea tarziu.
Eu pot fi distrus, dar ea nu. Ea din mine nu. Ea va fi mereu.
Refuz sa cred. Refuz sa accept.
Ma blestem singur.

De azi, eu nu mai sunt.
Niciodata nu e prea tarziu. Lupt, traiesc, pentru acelasi lucru. Pentru acelasi om. Ma duc oriunde si, daca trebuie, ma fac orice. Am puterea? Nu conteaza. Prefer sa ma distrug pe drum, decat sa pierd neincercand. Nu. Mai bine innebunesc, imi iau mintile, decat sa nu incerc.
Uneori e mai bine sa nu intelegi. Suferi in tacere. Marturisesti dupa.

Dupa ce?
Iti dai seama. Ai gresit? Mare lucru. Inca o greseala dupa care sa nu faci nimic.

De azi, eu nu mai sunt.
Nu ma asteptam sa scriu azi. Dar eu nu mai sunt, deci, ma asteptam.

Eu... accept. Sunt jalnic.
Sa nu te iei de mine. Te voi rani.
Stai departe! Pazea!

Nu, nu ti-e adresat tie. Pe tine te ranea el, vechiul eu.
Si eu, eu ma apropii. Si astept un semn de "vino", astept sa-mi faci cu degetul.
Dragoste, nu ma parasi.
Nu ti-am cerut niciodata nimic... si nici acum nu-ti cer. Poti sa ma parasesti. Dar eu te voi urma. Si nu ma dau batut.
Nu ma dau batut.
Chiar daca ma distrugi.

Dar daca o distrugi?
Aici e aici.
Da-i drumul, spun.
Nu-i da drumul, nu-i da drumul...
Intinde-te pe iarba si priveste cerul. Intoarce-te spre pamant, si priveste-l. Unde vrei sa fii?

De ce sa visam? De ce nu alegem realitatea... e mai putina suferinta, daca accept adevarul: da-i drumul, spun.
Nu-i da drumul, nu-i da drumul...

Te rog, lasa-ma.
Lasa-ma sa-i dau drumul.
Eu sunt a ta, eu sunt al tau. Tu esti a mea, tu esti al meu.

Nu te voi pierde.
De ce nu?
Sunt hotarat. Sa ne luptam.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu.
De azi, dispari!
Nu vreau sa te mai vad.
Mi se face scarba.
Da-ti cu pumnii in cap, si pleaca.
Petrece toata ziua singur.
Intr-un tomberon.
Si nu-ti mai imagina ca e roz, ca nu e roz. E gunoi.
There's shit in your head.

Pierde-ma. Te rog.

-_-_-_-_-_-
Ce poate schimba un om?

N-as fi crezut...
ca e atat de greu...
N-as fi crezut...
ca atata timp n-am vazut nimic.
N-as fi crezut...
unde eram, si ce faceam? la ce %*#@$ ma gandeam?
N-as fi crezut...

Dar acum voi crede.
Ai dreptate, tu.
Tu, si eu. Si nu, nu e mai bine.
Da-i drumul, iti spun.

Lupta. Singur daca trebuie.

Nu. Da-i drumul.

Intoarce-te. Intoarce-te de unde ai plecat. Nu uita cine esti. Nu uita ce conteaza cu adevarat...

Pentru ea...

Pentru ea...

Nu. Nu putem fi de acord. De azi, nu mai esti eu.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

De azi...
Nu mi-e mila de mine. Distruge-ma. Vreau drama, vreau sa vad ce poti. Arata-mi ca nu mai esti eu.

Sunt doua cuvinte.

Acele doua cuvinte.

Acele doua cuvinte pe care vreau sa i le spun.

Nu, nu sa i le spui.

Nu, nu sa i le spun. Sa le stie.

Sa le simta.

Sa le simta...
De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Da, nu mai esti eu.

Te iubesc.

-_-_-
Te iubesc? Ma iubesti? Ce poate fi mai simplu...
-_-_-
Te iubesc? Ma iubesti? Mai complicat nici ca se poate...

Am un pisoi. E vechiul eu. Nu mi-e mila de el.

Nu sunt un pisoi.

Nu, dar gandesti ca un pisoi. Faci pe dos. Ce vrei sa faci? De ce faci invers?

Nu, nu fac. Fac ce vreau. Am vrut sa o tin. Sa fie a mea.

Dar e a ta.

Dar e a mea?...

Ti-e frica...

Frica... nu mai zice asta. Taci.

Nu tac.

Ar trebui sa taci.

Lupta.
Lupta.
Lupta!

Cu cine? Pentru cine?

Cu tine. Pentru ea.

De ce pentru ea?

De azi, nu mai sunt eu...

Nu. Nu merit asta. Vreau sa traiesc si eu...

De azi, nu mai sunt eu...

Eu nu contez. M-am saturat. Sa ma lasi in pace, eu. Eu n-am nevoie de tine, eu.

Eu. Eu. Eu.
Care eu? Niciun eu.

Tu. Viata.
Viata. Tu. Orice... Vin dupa tine. Tu = ea.

Nu veni.
Nu te vreau.

Nu asa. Nu asa vin. Vii tu... Vii tu...

Eu nu mai lupt.

Tocmai. Noi am castigat deja. Eu, si tu. El (eu) nu mai e. De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

(Vechiul eu:) As da orice.

Dar nu mai e. N-as da. Nu merita.

Metrou, in metrou mi-am imaginat prima data. Vorbeam cu mine...
Ea nu era acolo.

Si acum e?

Da, e... si e... un inger. Straluceste.

Si?

Si tu... devii transparent. O sa dispari.

Nu...

De ce? Nu e rau... De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Accept.
Ascult.
Inteleg.

... pana maine. (Daaa, pana maine). Asa ziceam si eu. Hai, pana peste o luna.

Nimic nu s-a schimbat. Nu te cred. A mai fost.

Da. Nimic la eu nu s-a schimbat. Dar de azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Abureala.
Da.
Nu mai citi.

Nu mai citesc.

Vreau sa-ti vorbesc. Vreau sa-ti strang mana. Vreau sa te privesc in ochi, si sa-ti spun cu mana pe inima ca nu te voi mai rani niciodata.

Daaaaa, right.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu. Eu nu vreau tot. Eu vreau doar suferinta ta... sunt fericit cu ea. Vreau probleme. Vreau provocari. Vreau sa-mi spui ce nu e bine la mine. Vreau sa fii sincera, asa cum esti. Ma iubesti. (Rimez)

Punct?

Semnul intrebarii.

Contrast. Nu?

Eu nu mai sunt.

Buna.

Buna.

Sper.

Eu ascult. Eu sufar. Eu zambesc atunci cand imi aduc aminte sa o fac.

Dar dragostea?

Da, o sufar si pe ea.

De ce nu-mi dai drumul?

Te iubesc.

Si?

Am incredere in tine.

In mine... abureala. Atunci mi-ai da drumul...

E mai bine... e mai simplu...
Ce pot face eu pe o foaie? Ce pot face eu cu litere?

Ce poti face cu orice?

Nu pot face nimic. Pot doar sa sper, sa lupt, sa accept, sa inteleg. Pot sa incerc.

Cat de neoriginal. Ai mai zis asta.

Stiu. E fara speranta.

Da-mi drumul. De ce ma tii?

Poate... ar trebui sa iti dau drumul.

...

Nu poate dura la nesfarsit.

Intr-o zi n-o sa mai putem duce. O sa fiu o carpa. O sa stergi cu mine pe jos. Sau eu cu tine... desi nu cred.

Si nici macar dragostea nu va putea sa te aduca inapoi...

Nici macar. Dovedeste-te.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu. Tocmai de aceea... nu-ti cer sa ramai. Nu-ti cer.
Nu-ti cer sa lupti.

...

Esti libera. Ma pregatesc. Vin dupa tine, cand sunt gata.
De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Vino dupa mine...

Visez. Visez...

Da. Speri... degeaba...

1... 2... 3... Cine nu e gata, il iau cu lopata.

Afurisitule. Esti incoruptibil. Tot tu ai ramas.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Intr-o zi ma vei distruge cu totul.

Nu si daca ma opresc la timp. Inainte. Inainte de a incepe iar.

Si pana atunci ce?

Pana atunci... tu. Trebuie ca tu, si numai tu.

De ce imi faci asta?

Ai zice ca sunt egoist. Am incredere in tine, de asta...
Me: trebuie
Me: sa uit tot ceea ce sunt
Me: sa iau de la capat
Me: sa-mi aduc aminte
Me: cine eram, cine erai
Me: si sa uit
Me: problemele
Me: si sa uit
Me: reactiile
Me: si sa nu uit
Me: ce conteaza cu adevarat

Abureala. Nimic nu s-a schimbat...

Citeste, cuvant cu cuvant, litera cu litera. Citeste: Te iubesc. Am lovit in tine, si m-am distrus pe mine. Iarta-ma, iarta-ma, iarta-ma. Iarta-ma, caci sa lovesc in mine am vrut. Am gresit.

Dac-ar fi doar atat...

Nu e doar atat. De azi, nu mai sunt eu. De azi, sunt mai al tau decat am fost vreodata. In sfarsit.

Oare?
S-a schimbat ceva?

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)