Thoughts, thoughts, random thoughts

If I had more time, space... ahhh! Actually, I've got just fragments that might one day develop into full ideas...

I wonder whether we should believe that everything we get in life is one-time only, I wonder if we should keep holding on desperately, to everything we've got... I wonder. Doesn't it make more sense to take everything as it comes? To accept every single day annd thing that happens. Just, because... You can't change the past (yet). The first thing you have to do with it, then, is accept that it happened. It's irreversible, as far as your humble human powers are concerned. There's nothing you can do about it, except write "history" as if it never happened. But it has happened. And that's it.
What remains, then, is your decision. What are you gonna do about it?
So, you had a car accident and the other guy's suing you. So what? Huh? Do something. Be smart about it. You know, feel life as you feel it, but, with that thought in mind - that everything from the past stays there.
Since you can only do something once and there's no Ctrl+Z, you better do it well.

But I'm trying to reach farther than that.
I'm trying to say that even if you lose the dearest people in your life. Even if you've got nothing more to lose, you still should not fight as if your life depended on it. What does your life really depend on? Not much. Actually, very little. Like a dear friend told me once, Gandhi didn't need much to live (and even do it happily). I'm not gonna get into all that how-wasteful-we-are kinda thing. We waste everyday: time, plastic, paper, electricity, water, money. What else? Plenty!

Anyway, back to the point. I shouldn't say "whatever happens", I should say "habitually, most of what happens we take too seriously." Yeah! Lighten up, kid! You've got the whole world in your hands. You're not almighty, but you're not useless either. You're important - not as important, not more or less important than others.

I was just thinking about this because I felt I was struggling to do so many things I wanted to. Yet, I did. But I didn't take time off. You know, to feel better, to enjoy... Or, I did, but I even took that as precious time. And then I came around: Why am I being so stressed out? Because? Nothing. Really.

---

"You've got closure."
Gee. Umm. I don't know. Maybe I do. Actually, the worst break up of my life (and probably, hopefully, anyone's) was the first. But it wasn't that bad. I just really felt like I was alone. The shock, I guess, after spending so many days with someone, for the first time, and that throwing yourself all into it...
And yes, that still happens with future relationships! No, it's not less honest or more cautious in the future! It's however you want it to be. Just more experienced. Actually, experience in a huge number of areas is really helpful :)
Knowledge is power.
And the brain to help deal with it is also essential.
So, I think that if you really look at yourself, you're not that bad at it. At anything.
And yes, this connects to that thingy upstairs. The previous idea. Half-idea...


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Random...

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Blah blah...

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Okay, focus :)
*nods*
I went to a wonderful dance show tonight.
(nothing to do with it, but the song "I'm walking on sunshine" is playing right now. No, not in my head...)
It was great. Really. I enjoyed it so much that it made me write all this friggin stuff. Yup. And the music was great, too. I feel refreshed. And like writing. And just for that, I'm gonna skip a couple of days of school, probably. Or just go to some of the classes. My favorite ones, of course :)

---

It's wonderful how people get involved into what they do so much. I have this really great friend that always took everything as lightly as possible. To him, life's as serious as it can be, except that nothing disturbs him too much. Of course, there's some routine in there, since he's so calm and balanced all the time, but, for the most part, it's amazing how he handles everything with so much ease. And laughter. Last time his girlfriend was really pissed at someone he laughed and kept teasing her. I kind of expected her to burst into tears, but she was so stubborn and frustrated by his attitude that she started chasing him... heh.
The day that his dog died, he just said it, with seriousness. And that was it. Not that it didn't matter, don't get me wrong. It's just that, well, it happened, and... the dog's not here anymore, and it's regrettable... But, yeah, there's also all the rest of life. I think that's, to some extent, part of being an adult, mature. Handling things. Taking it all in, yet not so as it kills you (cause then it won't do much good, except to the FBI or CIA if you're wanted dead or alive, maybe).

But I'm digressing...

Again :)

Alright, I'll be back to write some more, someday.
>hug<

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Driving... home

I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.

I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.

The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...

Ah, childhood memories...

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Badiou on the Immortal singularity of man

Badiou speaks about why man is more than just an animal...

An immortal: this is what the worst situations that can be inflicted upon Man show him to be, in so far as he distinguishes himself within the varied and rapacious flux of life. In order to think any aspect of Man, we must begin from this principle. So, if 'rights of man' exist, they are surely not rights of life against death, or rights of survival against misery. They are the rights of the Immortal, affirmed in their own right, or the rights of the Infinite, exercised over the contingency of suffering and death. The fact that in the end we all die, that only dust remains, in no way alters Man's identity as immortal at the instant in which he affirms himself as someone who runs counter to the temptation of wanting-to-be-an-animal to which circumstances may expose him. And we know that every human being is capable of being this immortal - unpredictably, be it in circumstances great or small, for truths important or secondary. In each case, subjectivation is immortal, and makes Man. Beyond this there is only a biological species, a 'biped without feathers', whose charms are not obvious.

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amintiri paralele

--ea-- (12:35:27 PM): ce frumoasa si ce blanda ar fi viata daca am avea doar amintiri placute....
--ea-- (12:35:53 PM): amintiri care sa ne readuca zambetul pe fata cand suntem tristi...

--ea-- (12:35:58 PM): :)
--el-- (12:36:14 PM): ar fi un vis frumos dupa altul...
--el-- (12:36:15 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:36:26 PM): da....
--ea-- (12:36:35 PM): pacat ca intervine si realitatea...
--el-- (12:36:58 PM): poate n-ar mai fi asa de frumos visul daca ar fi numai el
--el-- (12:37:07 PM): poate ca dualitatea face ca totul sa aiba rost
--ea-- (12:37:12 PM): eu stiu...
--el-- (12:37:18 PM): :-< desi chestia cu sensul ma cam enerveaza
--ea-- (12:37:22 PM): eu tot ma gandesc ca insasi viata e un vis...
--ea-- (12:37:41 PM): sau cosmar, mai bne spus....
--ea-- (12:37:45 PM): pt unii...
--ea-- (12:37:46 PM): :D
--el-- (12:37:49 PM): :D
--el-- (12:38:06 PM): un vis intrerupt de noptile in care-l parasesti pentru realitati...
--ea-- (12:38:20 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:38:29 PM): realitati pralele cu aceasta
--ea-- (12:38:30 PM): :P
--el-- (12:38:45 PM): :)
--el-- (12:38:52 PM): poate sunt
--ea-- (12:39:05 PM): hmm....
--ea-- (12:39:10 PM): greu de crezut....
--ea-- (12:39:32 PM): eu nici in realitatea cotidiana nu prea cred...
--el-- (12:39:33 PM): pana la urma realitatea pare aia de care nu poti sa scapi pana mori
--el-- (12:39:34 PM): :D
--ea-- (12:39:40 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:39:51 PM): posibil....
--el-- (12:40:17 PM): :)
--el-- (12:40:18 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:40:30 PM): ;)

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it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away

Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?

Because it's been so long.

Since what?

Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...

Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...

What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.

Too many reasons to even say.


Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...

And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.

He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.

I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.

He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?

Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?

Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?

Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...

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