[New story] "Orice mai bun" - Chapter eleven

Cate am aflat de-a lungul acestei indelungate perioade de tacere imi pare mai mult decat am invatat despre mine si despre viata in orice alt interval de timp, de cand m-am nascut. Am avut la un moment dat senzatia ca nu stiu ce fac. Ca ma indrept aiurea... Nu-mi place asta. De obicei cand se intampla, ma opresc si meditez asupra situatiei in care ma aflu, incerc sa-mi regasesc parti din mine si sa-mi intregesc persoana cu noi conceptii, noi simturi, noi realizari.

Nimic nu e mai presus decat simtirea. Sentimentele sunt cele ce ma readuc intotdeauna spre suprafata. In lumea asta intoarsa pe dos, in anumite momente catastrofala, apocaliptica, sa-i plangi de mila, numai inima te mai pastreaza om. Fie ea existenta sau nu. Iar inima simte cel mai mult prin dragoste si pasiune.

Sunt in clasa a 12a si nu m-am simtit prea stresat de bac. Problema nu e bacul... problema sunt eu. Eu si viitorul meu. Ma intreb ce se va intampla, cateodata. Imi place sa stiu la ce sa ma astept, chiar daca ma gandesc ca astept necunoscutul. Ma intreb daca tu simti ceva in textul meu, cand citesti. Eu simt. Cel putin asa cred. Adica simt.
Viata alaturi de clasa 12a nu e grea. E tensionata. De fapt, e mai usoara decat clasa a 11a, considerand faptele si numai faptele, pentru ca e un an recapitulativ. Insa sarcinile se inmultesc, responsabilitatea creste, si realizarea ca urmeaza o facultate imediat urmata de un job, poate chiar sincronizata cu unul, impreuna cu viata, in general, si timpul care s-a scurs, toate acestea forteaza o maturizare pe care noi, ca niste copii obisnuiti mai mult sau mai putin cu dificultatea vietii, cu atat mai mult in Romania, o resimtim adanc, socant, si indelung, pana cand iesim din transa si ne bucuram de facultate. Dar nu toti sunt stresati...

Insa, in opinia mea, anul acesta toti din clasa ne-am schimbat enorm. In general spre foarte bine... Am senzatia ca ne aparam de viitor printr-un sictir manifestat fata de profesori si scoala in general. Ca ne dorim sa treaca sau sa ne intoarcem, intr-un fel. Ca profitam si evitam. Ca ne schimbam sub presiune. Si trebuie sa ne descarcam... Eu asta mi-am propus pentru viitorul apropiat.

Ultimele luni au fost pline de documentare. Saptamanal ma uit la cate unul... Dupa ce am inceput cu seria How It's Made, de pe Discovery Channel, si am realizat cat de complex lucreaza o fabrica, si evolutia pe care a dat-o masina, electricitatea, omului, am ramas socat de descoperirile din chihlimbar si de nasterea prezentata pe viu, precum si de prabusirea clasicii genetici din biologia noastra de la scoala, m-am gandit foarte mult la viata, la ce se intampla. La general, si la mine si cei apropiati mie. Oriunde ma indrept, pana la urma, ma apropii de ceva si ma indepartez de altceva. In viata mea urmaresc sa inteleg ceea ce mi se intampla, si ceea ce imi doresc sa fac. Eu vreau sa simt mereu, sa nu imi pierd simtirea. Se poate. Si e rau.

Atatea impresii, atatea sentimente... am senzatia ca anul asta am evitat sa simt prea mult. Mi-a fost frica sa-mi fie frica, si m-am inchis putin in mine, iarasi. Dar am simtit iubire. Si caldura. Am primit si am incercat sa ofer ceea ce necesit eu si ce-i ajuta pe cei dragi. Dar asta nu a fost totul. Am realizat ca ma indrept spre viitorul meu. M-am gandit la ce urmeaza, la cate urmeaza. Sunt atatea de indeplinit, si totusi am curajul sa afirm ca nu mi-e teama de gandurile mele. Ma mai descurajez, dar entuziasmul unei vieti de vis, unei indepliniri de dorinte si urmarii unei cai pe care cred si simt ca am puterea sa mi-o creez, e minunat. Viata alaturi de lume e interesanta.
Imi displac profund oamenii care nu pretuiesc existenta celorlalte fiinte asa cum se cuvine. Fara discutie, fara ceilalti n-ai avea ce sa faci. Atunci de ce sa-i iei ca pe niste existente inerente, ca si cum ei nu merita recunostinta. Fiecare individ merita respect pentru ca exista. Umanitatea isi merita soarta si intamplarile, pentru ca se afla intr-o lume echilibrata. Daca s-ar fi dovedit ca, in absenta omului, lumea s-ar schimba mult de una singura, atunci nu mai puteam afirma acelasi lucru. Insa faptul ca omul aduce schimbarea acolo unde traieste implica responsabilitate si consecinte. Evolutia e si involutie. Oricum ar fi, totul se transforma si, pana la urma, va fi mereu si bine si rau. Modernismul doreste bine. Mijloacele sunt inca deplorabile, dar conditiile sunt imbunatatite. Sincer, singura mea ingrijorare majora este populatia. Prea multi oameni, si simt ca nu mai trebuie sa continuam cu construirea de zgarie nori. Nu e in regula sa ajungem 10-20 de miliarde de oameni pe planeta. E aberant. E exagerat. Am suge-o de resurse... Mila, oameni, mila! Nu permiteti asa ceva, va rog! (oricum in Romania nu tre sa ne facem griji. dar daca vin chinezii...)

Am strans, de cand nu am mai scris, o sumedenie de citate. Toate sunt incluse aici. Sper sa-ti placa, am selectat doar ceea ce mi-a trezit interes, doar ceea ce simt. Vreau sa simt, tot mai mult si mai mult. Si sper sa nu fie tristete... Apropos de care, e ciudat: atunci cand trece o perioada lunga cu fericire statica (adica fara sa-mi trezeasca nimic mai mult decat starea de liniste, calm, si bucurie ca totul este asa), parca senzatia se plafoneaza, parca ma intristez ca nu se intampla o schimbare; poate fiindca sunt adolescent. In orice caz, simt nevoia ca viata sa evolueze. Nu foarte repede, fiindca ma plictisesc greu. E frumos sa traiesti din plin fiecare eveniment. Pe cat mai multe parti. Apropos de care (gata, ma declar priceput in devieri de la subiect, si de la orice in general :D), in conceptia mea, omul nu este capabil sa inteleaga si expuna cu adevarat parerea despre ceva, sau mai bine formulat sa aiba o parere justa, decat atunci cand are la cunostinta foarte multe interpretari si puncte de vedere asupra aceluiasi subiect... Spre exemplu eu inca nu sunt in stare sa-mi exprim parerea despre religie, dar simt ca cunosc mult mai multe despre aceasta natura a omului pe masura ce confrunt istoria si observ ceea ce a manifestat omul de-a lungul veacurilor. Revenind... Asadar, confrutand atatea experiente si atatea idei, prin documentare, idei, colegi, pareri, decizii, si fel de fel de oportunitati, simt ca viata ma poarta iarasi spre salvarea sinelui. Ma bucur ca am in mine aceasta orientare, si multumesc intamplarilor si tuturor oamenilor care ma fac sa realizez greselile atunci cand ma indrept spre rau. In cele din urma, daca dragoste nu e, nimic nu e!

M-am intrebat de multe ori daca nu sunt cam ipocrit. Sau ma insel pe mine. Am tendinta sa ma mint, sau sa actionez fara sa simt ceva, uneori, convins fiind ca ma voi descurca. Eu cred si simt ceea ce cred. Pe asta se bazeaza unele actiuni ale mele, si unele decizii. Daca imi doresc sa fac ceva, incep sa-l simt, dar uneori dupa ce-l fac. Si stiind asta, ma urmez pe mine inainte sa simt, si astfel mi se pare ca sunt intors pe dos. Dar realizez multe astfel, si reusesc sa imi indeplinesc telurile si sa inteleg si sa simt, si asta rascumpara, ma face sa-mi dau seama ca faptele si gandurile sunt mult mai strans legate intre ele. Principiile sunt principii, dar imbinate in asa fel incat imi permit sa-i ajut pe toti cat mai mult. Cel putin asa sper... Oricum, constientizez ca sunt inca incapabil sa dau tot ce pot pentru o durata prea mare.
Stiu si am observat ca daca tratezi ceva ca pe unu lucru deja realizat, daca ai senzatia ca ceea ce ai in fata de facut o sa faci, si te vezi facand, pornesti deja cu un pas in fata. Asta inseamna sa fii optimist, sa crezi in tine: sa faci ceva inainte sa ti se dea. Sa gandesti inaintea problemei. Si sa simti asta... pasiunea, iubirea, si cunoasterea. Sunt de pret, si viata e foarte frumoasa alaturi de ele.

In cele din urma, ceea ce ne dorim se afla in interiorul nostru. Curaj, si fericire. Esti o persoana buna, asa cred. Urmeaza-ti calea si asculta tot ce ti se intampla. Gandeste, simte, evalueaza, expune-ti parerea si convingerile. Iubeste cat mai mult. Si incearca sa eviti tristetea inutila...

Nu comentez niciunul (de la un prieten, conform noului indreptar, se scrie intr-un cuvant) din citatele urmatoare, dar multe au tangenta cu ceea ce cred eu. Enjoy!

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." - Rich Cook

"If you would be known, and not know, vegetate in a village; If you would know, and not be known, live in a city." - Charles Caleb Colton

"A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past." - Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, 1954

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't think you can measure life in terms of years. I think longevity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with happiness. I mean happiness comes from facing challenges and going out on a limb and taking risks. If you're not willing to take a risk for something you really care about, you might as well be dead." - Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Northern Lights, 1993

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." - Robert Orben

"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people." - Arthur Schopenhauer

"The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness." - Andre Malraux

"Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open." - Elmer G. Letterman

"I am where I am because I believe in all possibilities." - Whoopi Goldberg

"The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws and differences and yet still willingly embraces you with so much love."

"There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun." - Pablo Picasso

"I daresay one profits more by the mistakes one makes off one's own bat than by doing the right thing on somebody's else advice." - W. Somerset Maugham, 'Of Human Bondage', 191

"They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." - Emily Dickinson

"Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons, and you will find that it is to the soul what the water bath is to the body." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Experience suggests it doesn't matter so much how you got here, as what you do after you arrive." - Lois McMaster Bujold, "Barrayar", 1991

"I've put in so many enigmas and puzzles that it will keep the professors busy for centuries arguing over what I meant, and that's the only way of insuring one's mortality." - James Joyce (1882-1941) Irish Novelist, Poet, Playwright

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." - Henry David Thoreau

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"You know you’ve achieved perfection in design, not when you have nothing more to add, but when you have nothing more to take away." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day-to-day obstacles of life: facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, testing our resources against the unknown and, in the process, discovering our own unique potential."
- John Amatt

"I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." - Gerry Spence, 'How to Argue and Win Every Time'

"Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants." - Walter Winchell

"Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water." - Swedish Proverb

"Those who do not feel pain seldom think that it is felt. [The Rambler]" - Samuel Johnson (1709-1784) English Author, Lexicographer

"A person who is too nice an observer of the business of the crowd, like one who is too curious in observing the labor of bees, will often be stung for his curiosity." - Alexander Pope (1688-1744) English Satirical Poet, Critic, Translator

"The art is a lie that approaches us to the truth. [El arte es una mentira que nos acerca a la verdad.]" - Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) Spanish Painter, Sculptor

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved." - Victor Hugo

"Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy." -- Robert Anthony

"If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time." - Dorothy Gilman, A New Kind of Country, 1978

"Nature is full of genius, full of the divinity; so that not a snowflake escapes its fashioning hand." - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) American Essayist, Poet, Naturalist

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices." - Edward R. Murrow


"Where do we come from? How did the universe begin? Why is the universe the way it is? How will it end?
"All my life, I have been fascinated by the big questions that face us, and have tried to find scientific answers to them. If, like me, you have looked at the stars, and tried to make sense of what you see, you too have started to wonder what makes the universe exist. The questions are clear, and deceptively simple. But the answers have always seemed well beyond our reach. Until now.
"The ideas which had grown over two thousand years of observation have had to be radically revised. In less than a hundred years, we have found a new way to think of ourselves. From sitting at the center of the universe, we now find ourselves orbiting an average-sized sun, which is just one of millions of stars in our own Milky Way galaxy. And our galaxy itself is just one of billions of galaxies, in a universe that is infinite and expanding. But this is far from the end of a long history of inquiry. Huge questions remain to be answered, before we can hope to have a complete picture of the universe we live in.
"I want you to share my excitement at the discoveries, past and present, which have revolutionized the way we think. From the Big Bang to black holes, from dark matter to a possible Big Crunch, our image of the universe today is full of strange sounding ideas, and remarkable truths. The story of how we arrived at this picture is the story of learning to understand what we see."
--STEPHEN HAWKING

A huge set of quotes, coming right up:

The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless.
-- Paul Johnson

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

Life is a zoo in a jungle.
-- Peter De Vries

I used to believe that marriage would diminish me, reduce my options. That you had to be someone less to live with someone else when, of course, you have to be someone more.
-- Candice Bergen

Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.
-- Robert Bresson

We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.
-- Francis J. Braceland, O Magazine, April 2003

A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence

"All necessary truth is its own evidence." - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) American Poet, Essayist

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
-- Bernard M. Baruch, 1940

Whenever I hear, 'It can't be done,' I know I'm close to success.
-- Michael Flatley, (Lord of the Dance) quoted by Eric Celeste

There is nothing like dream to create the future. Utopia today, flesh and blood tomorrow.
-- Victor Hugo, Les Miserables, 1862

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
-- Bobby Knight

"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand." - Josh Billings (1818-1885) [Henry Wheeler Shaw] American Humorist

People seldom become famous for what they say until after they are famous for what they've done.
-- Cullen Hightower

Passion kept one fully in the present, so that time became a series of mutually exclusive 'nows.'
-- Sue Halpern, O Magazine, September 2003

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninty-nine percent perspiration.

Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress.

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
- All from Thomas Alva Edison, 1847 - 1931

"Every normal person, in fact, is only normal on the average. His ego approximates to that of the psychotic in some part or other and to a greater or lesser extent." - Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) Austrian Physician, Founder of Psychoanalysis

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.
-- John A. Wheeler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner

You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
-- John J. Plomp

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
-- Laurence J. Peter

The Religion that is afraid of science dishonors God and commits suicide.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803 - 1882

Technology is a gift of God. After the gift of life it is perhaps the greatest of God's gifts. It is the mother of civilizations, of arts and of sciences.
- Freeman John Dyson

"When you cease to dream you cease to live." - Malcolm S. Forbes (1919-1990) American Publisher,
Businessman

"Any technological advance can be dangerous. Fire was dangerous from the start, and so (even more
so) was speech - and both are still dangerous to this day - but human beings would not be human
without them." - Isaac Asimov (1920-1992) Russian-born American Biochemist, Science Fiction Writer

"The Image is more than an idea. It is a vortex or cluster of fused ideas and is endowed with
energy." - Ezra Pound (1885-1972) American Poet, Critic, Translator

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
-- Johnny Carson

It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it.
- Christian Nevell Bovee, 1820 - 1904

There is time for work. And there is time for love. That leaves no other time.
- Coco Chanel, 1883 - 1971

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.
- David Grayson

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
- Erica Jong

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.
- Katharine Hepburn, 1907 - 2003

There is the same difference in a person before and after he is in love, as there is in an unlighted lamp and one that is burning.
- Vincent van Gogh, 1853 - 1890

This one's so true!!! : There are no whole truths; all truths are half- truths. It is trying to treat them as whole truths that plays the devil.
-- Alfred North Whitehead

"We must not discriminate between things. Where things are concerned there are no class distinctions. We must pick out what is good for us where we can find it." - Pablo Picasso (1881-1973) Spanish Painter, Sculptor

The best effect of fine persons is felt after we have left their presence.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1839

Love is the discovery of ourselves in others...
- Alexander Smith

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
-- Wally 'Famous' Amos

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
-- Bob Wells

Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we are driven out of Paradise; because of impatience we cannot return.
- Franz Kafka, 1883 - 1924

"Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr. (1809-1894) American Poet, Wit, Essayist, Scholar

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1926-2004) Swiss-born American Psychiatrist

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth.
-- Katherine Mansfield

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
-- Agnes Repplier

"God will not look you over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars." - Elbert Green Hubbard (1856-1915) American Writer, Printer, Businessman

Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.
-- Samuel Johnson

Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible - not to have run away.
-- Dag Hammarskjold

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
-- Mark Twain

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
-- Steven Weinberg, quoted in The New York Times, April 20, 1999

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker

"How shall I be able to rule over others, that have not full power and command of myself?" -
Francois Rabelais (1495-1553) French Monk, Humorist, Satirist

When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.
-- Helen Keller

Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination.
-- Roy M. Goodman

"In great countries, children are always trying to remain children, and the parents want to make them into adults. In vile countries, the children are always wanting to be adults and the parents want to keep them children." - John Ruskin (1819-1900) English Writer, Art Critic

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
-- Edith Wharton

"People far prefer happiness to wisdom, but that is like wanting to be immortal without getting older." - Sydney J. Harris (1917-1986) Anglo-American Columnist, Journalist, Author

"My own experience and development deepen everyday my conviction that our moral progress may be measured by the degree in which we sympathize with individual suffering and individual joy." - George Eliot (1819-1880) [Mary Ann Evans] English Novelist, Poet

Reading well is one of the great pleasures that solitude can afford you.
-- Harold Bloom, O Magazine, April 2003

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.
-- Iris Murdoch

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
- George Levinger

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine.
-- H. L. Mencken

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
-- Joan Baez

I never feel age...If you have creative work, you don't have age or time.
-- Louise Nevelson, 1980

Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with. His mind was created for his
own thoughts, not yours or mine.
-- Henry S. Haskins

When you reach for the stars you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of
mud either.
-- Leo Burnett

"Tot ce suntem noi sunt si ceilalti, intr-un fel sau altul. Dar si ceea ce ne deosebeste este totul." - End of Chapter eleven