Evelyn: Don't worry about 'why' when 'what' is right in front of you. (The Shape of Things)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Some other times

How strange that only when you grow past a certain age you are capable of deluding yourself ... from your own self, for, perhaps, any amount of time.

---
NOTE:
Before I start... storytelling, I have an announcement:
Because of, let's say, previous experiences, I would like to point out that, out of all my writings, only some match my beliefs, while others contain one or more of the following (or others not yet mentioned :D):
- random ideas that someone might think of - either someone in general or I hear them somewhere (and/or I picked up on from others, or from the daily life)
- thoughts against myself (which I do because I find it clears the mind marvelously; plus, it gets rid of some nasty prejudices, try it!)
- moody swings (I'm not a girl, but hey! guys still get moody!)
- what if's of my own but not that I necessarily believe

In summary, this is a "don't judge what you read as my own beliefs" kind of message. I do value someone's beliefs, and on a great account I feel closer to those people that believe in the same things I do (don't we all?) but because beliefs are beliefs and nothing more, it would be unfair to dismiss someone simply because of what they believe...

Have you ever tried to argue against what's most dear to you? You must know how hard it is, then. If you try to start an argument on something that you're sensitive to, try not being one sided about it! *sigh*

Alright, this was perhaps because I'm setting the grounds for a big controversial thingy. Now, back to the story...
---

Getting busy with work.
Or school.
Hanging out with friends.
Listening to music, yelling it out loud.
Driving fast.
Writing about it. Not once, not twice.
Hope, hidden deep down - so well hidden that you don't even realize it's the first feeling you have in the morning; that along with the bittersweet taste of reality - that things will happen, someway or another, to make your dream come true.

You can't if you're a kid. How could a child lie to oneself? No, he couldn't!
It's like a sad story, that of growing up. You're born with this tiny mind and a huge huge heart. You learn so much, feel so much, everything that happens around you fires up your heart at first. You almost "love" or "hate" everything. But then you get older, and you stop feeling strongly about things. You realize that Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Or that your little pet didn't really go to Honolulu for the past 6 months. You come to know there are other people in this world, you become aware of them.
And so much else.
Gradually, slowly, you distance your mind from your heart. If you suffer, you pull away - IF you can. Then, even if you involve yourself again, you know you can pull back. And that's how it starts. When you're happy, you go for it! Again, and again... ah, and happiness makes everything most subjective.

We instinctively know when we're happy with our lives. Isn't it funny how you are so self-focused when you're happy? I don't mean to say self-centered. Or selfish. Happiness does not necessarily mean you're selfish. I think that depends on your attitude and beliefs, spiritual strength, will... stuff like that. Perhaps, to be more clear, I should make sense of the happiness I'm talking about: the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach (does it have to be love? I don't know), excites you from head to toe and almost forces you to get out of bed full of LIFE! Damn it! YES!
Hah! High five!

So, being self-focused is good. It's knowing you love your place in the world, yeah!
[...]
We might have happy moments, but we're not happy all the time. We might have an overall happy life, though, isn't that great?

The TV's turned on, right beside me. I skipped through the list of channels and saw "The Notebook" title right on there. I wanted to see it again.
I knew it'd take me back in time, back to memories. I knew I'd tend to advocate one thing or another after/while watching it. I went back and forth only to realize that having something to go back and forth for gives me strength. Having to face myself and enjoying it is something I have been long missing.

I'm happy. I'm happy! :)
It's evanescent, probably, but I feel happy.
Feels like that quote:
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz

I saw "The Shape of Things" yesterday. It's now one of my top movies ever! I'd strongly recommend it to anyone... The movie forces so many questions out of oneself that I can't even begin to say why one should see it! Seduction, truth, art, change, superficiality, what love is... what's real versus what is not.

Scraps of a bigger picture...

"Do I really have to make sense?"
"Meh. Only if you want to..."
"Good. Cause I don't want to right now."
*nods*
Really complex. I know.

I love playing the piano! Just can't wait for that holiday time so I could do it all I want... Fur Elise, sing it with me! (Was he really deaf?)

Oh, speaking of selfishness, I thought of altruism and generosity, about how much one tends to postpone it for later (aka typically when one can do it wholeheartedly and meaningfully), and how one ends up not doing it at all...

I'm going to go dream now :)
It's almost one.
Thinking of you... dear to me... here's a special felt thought reaching out to you!

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Saturday, November 03, 2007

Thoughts, thoughts, random thoughts

If I had more time, space... ahhh! Actually, I've got just fragments that might one day develop into full ideas...

I wonder whether we should believe that everything we get in life is one-time only, I wonder if we should keep holding on desperately, to everything we've got... I wonder. Doesn't it make more sense to take everything as it comes? To accept every single day annd thing that happens. Just, because... You can't change the past (yet). The first thing you have to do with it, then, is accept that it happened. It's irreversible, as far as your humble human powers are concerned. There's nothing you can do about it, except write "history" as if it never happened. But it has happened. And that's it.
What remains, then, is your decision. What are you gonna do about it?
So, you had a car accident and the other guy's suing you. So what? Huh? Do something. Be smart about it. You know, feel life as you feel it, but, with that thought in mind - that everything from the past stays there.
Since you can only do something once and there's no Ctrl+Z, you better do it well.

But I'm trying to reach farther than that.
I'm trying to say that even if you lose the dearest people in your life. Even if you've got nothing more to lose, you still should not fight as if your life depended on it. What does your life really depend on? Not much. Actually, very little. Like a dear friend told me once, Gandhi didn't need much to live (and even do it happily). I'm not gonna get into all that how-wasteful-we-are kinda thing. We waste everyday: time, plastic, paper, electricity, water, money. What else? Plenty!

Anyway, back to the point. I shouldn't say "whatever happens", I should say "habitually, most of what happens we take too seriously." Yeah! Lighten up, kid! You've got the whole world in your hands. You're not almighty, but you're not useless either. You're important - not as important, not more or less important than others.

I was just thinking about this because I felt I was struggling to do so many things I wanted to. Yet, I did. But I didn't take time off. You know, to feel better, to enjoy... Or, I did, but I even took that as precious time. And then I came around: Why am I being so stressed out? Because? Nothing. Really.

---

"You've got closure."
Gee. Umm. I don't know. Maybe I do. Actually, the worst break up of my life (and probably, hopefully, anyone's) was the first. But it wasn't that bad. I just really felt like I was alone. The shock, I guess, after spending so many days with someone, for the first time, and that throwing yourself all into it...
And yes, that still happens with future relationships! No, it's not less honest or more cautious in the future! It's however you want it to be. Just more experienced. Actually, experience in a huge number of areas is really helpful :)
Knowledge is power.
And the brain to help deal with it is also essential.
So, I think that if you really look at yourself, you're not that bad at it. At anything.
And yes, this connects to that thingy upstairs. The previous idea. Half-idea...


---

Random...

---

Blah blah...

---

Okay, focus :)
*nods*
I went to a wonderful dance show tonight.
(nothing to do with it, but the song "I'm walking on sunshine" is playing right now. No, not in my head...)
It was great. Really. I enjoyed it so much that it made me write all this friggin stuff. Yup. And the music was great, too. I feel refreshed. And like writing. And just for that, I'm gonna skip a couple of days of school, probably. Or just go to some of the classes. My favorite ones, of course :)

---

It's wonderful how people get involved into what they do so much. I have this really great friend that always took everything as lightly as possible. To him, life's as serious as it can be, except that nothing disturbs him too much. Of course, there's some routine in there, since he's so calm and balanced all the time, but, for the most part, it's amazing how he handles everything with so much ease. And laughter. Last time his girlfriend was really pissed at someone he laughed and kept teasing her. I kind of expected her to burst into tears, but she was so stubborn and frustrated by his attitude that she started chasing him... heh.
The day that his dog died, he just said it, with seriousness. And that was it. Not that it didn't matter, don't get me wrong. It's just that, well, it happened, and... the dog's not here anymore, and it's regrettable... But, yeah, there's also all the rest of life. I think that's, to some extent, part of being an adult, mature. Handling things. Taking it all in, yet not so as it kills you (cause then it won't do much good, except to the FBI or CIA if you're wanted dead or alive, maybe).

But I'm digressing...

Again :)

Alright, I'll be back to write some more, someday.
>hug<

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Driving... home

I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.

I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.

The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...

Ah, childhood memories...

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Badiou on the Immortal singularity of man

Badiou speaks about why man is more than just an animal...

An immortal: this is what the worst situations that can be inflicted upon Man show him to be, in so far as he distinguishes himself within the varied and rapacious flux of life. In order to think any aspect of Man, we must begin from this principle. So, if 'rights of man' exist, they are surely not rights of life against death, or rights of survival against misery. They are the rights of the Immortal, affirmed in their own right, or the rights of the Infinite, exercised over the contingency of suffering and death. The fact that in the end we all die, that only dust remains, in no way alters Man's identity as immortal at the instant in which he affirms himself as someone who runs counter to the temptation of wanting-to-be-an-animal to which circumstances may expose him. And we know that every human being is capable of being this immortal - unpredictably, be it in circumstances great or small, for truths important or secondary. In each case, subjectivation is immortal, and makes Man. Beyond this there is only a biological species, a 'biped without feathers', whose charms are not obvious.

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

amintiri paralele

--ea-- (12:35:27 PM): ce frumoasa si ce blanda ar fi viata daca am avea doar amintiri placute....
--ea-- (12:35:53 PM): amintiri care sa ne readuca zambetul pe fata cand suntem tristi...

--ea-- (12:35:58 PM): :)
--el-- (12:36:14 PM): ar fi un vis frumos dupa altul...
--el-- (12:36:15 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:36:26 PM): da....
--ea-- (12:36:35 PM): pacat ca intervine si realitatea...
--el-- (12:36:58 PM): poate n-ar mai fi asa de frumos visul daca ar fi numai el
--el-- (12:37:07 PM): poate ca dualitatea face ca totul sa aiba rost
--ea-- (12:37:12 PM): eu stiu...
--el-- (12:37:18 PM): :-< desi chestia cu sensul ma cam enerveaza
--ea-- (12:37:22 PM): eu tot ma gandesc ca insasi viata e un vis...
--ea-- (12:37:41 PM): sau cosmar, mai bne spus....
--ea-- (12:37:45 PM): pt unii...
--ea-- (12:37:46 PM): :D
--el-- (12:37:49 PM): :D
--el-- (12:38:06 PM): un vis intrerupt de noptile in care-l parasesti pentru realitati...
--ea-- (12:38:20 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:38:29 PM): realitati pralele cu aceasta
--ea-- (12:38:30 PM): :P
--el-- (12:38:45 PM): :)
--el-- (12:38:52 PM): poate sunt
--ea-- (12:39:05 PM): hmm....
--ea-- (12:39:10 PM): greu de crezut....
--ea-- (12:39:32 PM): eu nici in realitatea cotidiana nu prea cred...
--el-- (12:39:33 PM): pana la urma realitatea pare aia de care nu poti sa scapi pana mori
--el-- (12:39:34 PM): :D
--ea-- (12:39:40 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:39:51 PM): posibil....
--el-- (12:40:17 PM): :)
--el-- (12:40:18 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:40:30 PM): ;)

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away

Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?

Because it's been so long.

Since what?

Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...

Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...

What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.

Too many reasons to even say.


Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...

And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.

He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.

I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.

He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?

Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?

Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?

Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...

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Socrates' Apology

Quotes from the Apology. I always choose what means most to me... hope you like them.


You remember Chaerephon's character - how impulsive he was in carrying through whatever he took in hand. Once he went to Delphi and ventured to put this question to the oracle - I entreat you again, my friends, not to interrupt me with your shouts - he asked if there was anyone who was wiser than I. The priestess answered that there was no one. Chaerephon himself is dead, but his brother here will witness to what I say.
Now see why I tell you this. I am going to explain to you how the prejudice against me has arisen. When I heard of the oracle I began to reflect: What can the god mean by this riddle? I know very well that I am not wise, even in the smallest degree. [...]
I went to a man who was reputed to be wise, thinking that there, if anywhere, I should prove the answer wrong, and meaning to point out to the oracle its mistake, and to say, "You said that I was the wisest of men, but this man is wiser than I am." So I examined the man, but this was the result, Athenians. When I conversed with him I came to see that, though a great many persons, and most of all himself thought that he was wise, yet he was not wise. Then I tried to prove to him that he was not wise, though he fancied that he was. By so doing I made him indignant {like a gadfly, how my phil teacher called him :D}, and many of the bystanders. So when I went away, I thought to myself, "I am wiser than this man: neither of us knows anything that is really worth knowing, but he thinks that he has knowledge when he has not, while I, having no knowledge, do not think that I have. I seem, at any rate, to be a little wiser than he is on this point: I do not think that I know what I do not know."
[...]
From this examination, Athenians, has arisen much fierce and bitter indignation, and as a result a great many prejudices about me. People say that I am "a wise man." For the bystanders always think that I am wise myself in any matter wherein I refute another. But, gentlemen, I believe that the god is really wise, and that by this oracle he meant that human wisdom is worth little or nothing. I do not think that he meant that Socrates was wise. He only made use of my name, and took me as an example, as though he would say to men, "He, among you, is the wisest who, like Socrates, knows that his wisdom is really worth nothing at all."


When the generals whom you chose to command me, Athenians, assigned me my station during the battles of Potidaea, Amphipolis, and Delium, I remained where they stationed me and ran the risk of death, like other men. It would e very strange conduct on my part if I were to desert my station now from fear of death or of any other thing when the god has commanded me - as I am persuaded that he has done - to spend my life in searching for wisdom, and in examining myself and others. [...] For to fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise without really being wise, for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For no one knows whether death may not be the greatest good that can happen to a man. But men fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"


Even if you acquit me now, and do not listen to Anytus' argument that, if I am to be acquitted, I ought never to have been brought to trial at all, and that, as it is, you are bound to put me to death because, as he said, if I escape, all your sons will be utterly corrupted by practicing what Socrates teaches. If you were therefore to say to me, "Socrates, this time we will not listen to Anytus. We will let you go, but on the condition that you give up this investigation of yours, and philosophy. If you are found following these pursuits again, you shall die." I say, if you offered to let me go, on these terms, I should reply: "Athenians, I hold you in the highest regard and affection, but I will be persuaded by the god rather than you. As long as I have breath and strength I will not give up philosophy and exhorting you and declaring the truth to every one of you whom I meet, saying, as I am accustomed."

He is condemned to death.

I have been convicted because I was wanting, not in arguments, but in impudence and shamelessness - because I would not plead before you as you would have liked to hear me plead, or appeal to you with weeping and wailing, or say and do many other things which I maintain are unworthy of me, but which you have been accustomed from other men."


Although some of Socrates' arguments are reductive, the famous wise man described by Plato is highly regarded as one of the most notable figures in philosophy (not to mention ancient philosophy). The Greek system of laws and judges was amazing :)

So, what do you think?:)

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Sunday, October 07, 2007

facing ancient philosophy


By explaining generation and destruction, if not all change, in terms of mixture and separation, Empedocles sought to reconcile Heraclitus's insistence on the reality of change with the Eleatic claim that generation and destruction are unthinkable. Going back to the Greeks' traditional belief in four elements, he found a place for Thales' water, Anaximenes' air, and Heraclitus's fire, and he added earth as the fourth. In addition to these four elements, which Aristotle would later call "material causes" Empedocles postulated two "efficient causes": strife (Heraclitus's great principle) and love. He envisaged four successive ages: an age of love or perfect mixture in the beginning; then gradual separation as strife enters; then complete separation as strife rules; finally, as love enters again, a gradual remixture.

How romantic... :X Four elements + two causes of everything, babe.

Anaxagoras taught that everything consists of an infinite number of particles or seeds, and that in all things there is a portion of everything. Hair could not come from what is not hair, nor flesh come from what is not flesh. The names we apply to things are determined by the preponderance of certain seeds in them - for example, hair seeds or flesh seeds. Like Empedocles, he added to such "material causes" an "efficient cause" to account for the motion and direction of things; however, unlike Empedocles' two, Anaxagoras added only one "efficient cause", which was mind, in Greek. The introduction of mind led Aristotle to hail Anaxagoras as the only sober man among the Pre-Socratics; yet Aristotle found fault with Anaxagoras for not making more use of this new principle to explain natural events.

Could Buddhism be a li'l related to this concept?

Atomism accepted Parmenides' idea that being must be one seamless whole but posited an infinite number of such "one's." According to Democritus, the world is made up of tiny "un-cutables" that move within the "void" (corresponding to Parmenides' non-being). These atoms combine in different patterns to form the material objects of the observable world. Democritus applied this understanding of reality to human beings as well. Both the soul and the body are made up of atoms. Perception occurs when atoms from objects outside the person strike the sense organs inside the person, which in turn strike the atoms of the soul further inside. Death, in turn, is simply the dissipation of the soul atoms when the body atoms no longer hold them together.
- about Democritus
And death is always so romantic, no matter how you put it... Did you ever think about that?

I think that...

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Saturday, October 06, 2007

Quizzing for (my) destiny...

(my) because maybe destiny is not anyone's. "What you're destined to do", sounds like such a cliche. Perhaps a better way to say it would be "what you feel you should do", so that we avoid all that destiny crap that's so arguable...

Quiz 1.
What career will suit your personality?

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

* Artist
* Historian
* Banker
* Novelist
* University Professor
* Photographer
* Vet
* Paralegal
* Graphic Designer
* Online Content Developer
* Webmaster
* Producer
* Managing Director
* Nutritionist
* Advertising
* Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don�t like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

So... erm... I disagree with working all alone and avoiding all attention. I do like to share things mostly with a select group of friends, but I don't like being alone. Working alone, perhaps... I'm quiet and private but only when I'm not in love or really excited about something (which is more often than likely) and I'm optimistic. I don't see a lonely person as being optimistic. But I love some of those predictions!!!

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joke

Conversation between two students:

- Hey, man, how do drugs feel like?
- I don't know :(, I don't live on campus...

This related to the fact that campus people tend to, kind of, erm, well... let them tell you what life's like on campus :)

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

maybe I thought you weren't like everybody else

He and She. He takes her home. They talk and get ready to part for the evening.
He says, then she, etc:
- i had a really good time tonight
- yeah, i did too!
- here.
- what's that?
- my share of the dinner.


- no, no, no. look, i'm the one who asked you out, and it wouldn't be an official date if i wouldn't pay.
- well how about i flip you for it?
- no, i'm sorry.
- come on, you're afraid you'll lose!
- no, you are unbelievable...
- (joking around) you're terrified, you're shaking.
- oh, alright. heads...
- (flips coin, falls heads) you lose.
- let me see that.
- no.
- let me see that...
- no!
- let me see that!
(grabs coin)
- that's two tails, you cheated!
- no, i didn't. i gave you the option, you chose heads.
- 84% of the time everyone's gonna say heads when asked.
- well maybe i thought you weren't like everybody else.
- maybe you're right. i'll see you.
- i'll raise you.
- what?
- it's just something i used to say to my dad.
- good night.
- good night. sweet dreams.

(movie "All in", 2006)

I won't say anything. I'll just add another quote. But if you'll comment, I'll reply.

"It will have been noticed that, in this philosophy, there reigns an alternative: the encounter may not take place, just as it may take place. Nothing determines, no principle of decision determines this alternative in advance; it is of the order of a game of dice. 'A throw of the dice will never abolish chance.' Indeed! A successful encounter, one that is not brief, but lasts, never guarantees that it will continue to last tomorrow rather than come undone. Just as it might not have taken place, it may no longer take place: 'fortune comes and changes', affirms Borgia, who succeeded at everything until the famous day he was stricken with fever. In other words, nothing guarantees that the reality of the accomplished fact is the guarantee of its durability. Quite the opposite is true: every accomplished fact, even an election, like all the necessity and reason we can derive from it, is only a provisional encounter, and since every encounter is provisional even when it lasts, there is no eternity in the 'laws' of any world or any state. History her is nothing but the permanent revocation of the accomplished fact by another undecipherable fact to be accomplished, without our knowing in advance whether, or when, or how the event that revokes it will come about. Simply, one day new hands will have to be dealt out, and the dice thrown again on the empty table."
- Louis Althusser, "Philosophy of the Encounter"

Question: What if love was this way, what if everything that happens is just... chance?

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Sunday, September 16, 2007

yep, it's official, I'm weird! (un)fortunately so's the world

So...

I've just seen a documentary on aspartame. You wouldn't believe how poisonous human beings can be to their own selves (or, you would, if you were like me). And then comes the phrase "yeah, but it's all business, really", which is why I put this quote up on my blog:

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
- Douglas Adams


I'm sad. Sad... Sometimes I wish I could erase this world with a hand towel or something, and "write" it back.

So, umm, what else... the last few weeks of my life deal with philosophy, CS, dancing, and math circles. Reading, lots and lots of reading, logic, jumping and moving on classical music (:X) and probably soon-to-come midterms. It's good, at least I like what I'm doing very much. And then I keep busy all the time. To be honest, the only part of my life I wish were better is social. But I don't feel so hurried anymore... or, rather, I'm determined to take things as they come, feel as I feel and... just deal with it.

I realized that I really like to cook! :) Which is so cool, because I also like to eat :D
For now I'm just sticking to salads, with all sorts of ingredients, but I'm planning to learn some actual stove stuff soon! I hope.

It's 7:35PM and the sky looks... amazing. It makes me dream, of what's going to be, what's going to happen to the world, to my family, to my friends...
Speaking of family, I think I'm gonna be closer to them for the next couple of years. Being so far, for so long, was just something I had accepted (or thought I did) and then I did not even realize that I'm not actually coming back.

It feels like time just passes by. And I do so much that I want, but I'm missing out on the whole of who I am. I'm always missing out. Gotta go to concerts, rock concerts, or punk, or gothic... and then learn piano, and do math, teach or tutor, do web programming, explore nature and go to Great America, find someone I could get close to again... or have someone close back here...

Shhh. Snap out of it. Back to life. Somehow, along the way of growing up, it's been established (or perceived) that being an adult takes the adventure out of life (maybe that's because I'm not exactly surrounded by adventurous people - not in the all-fun-and-no-work-kinda-way anyhow). And I refuse to accept that! Growing up doesn't mean you lose it all, you can still be crazy and impulsive and have all sorta wishes and dreams and hopes, and you can still wanna meet someone great in the bus or subway, or on the street, or read a book standing upside down in a tree, or, heck, I dunno, just do something unusual cause you damn well feel like it. As disney's "The spectrum song" says: "What ever happened to the plain old dilly-dilly-dilly-dilly... dilly..."

Sometimes when I meet someone and he/she's so different from me (yep, pretty often), and I hear things from that person, that he/she likes, or does, I always, somehow, understand, or feel, have felt, lived, believed, thought that too,... and, as long as it's still part of me, I can always say "I know what you mean", or "so do I". And, like someone very dear to me once said she's been told, "you seem over 40". I'm not exactly the same way, but, at least at this point, I feel that way. Like no matter how different from me that person is - no, actually, better: the more that person differs from me, the closer I feel to the him/her.
And to think that all this' been inspired from a friend's phrase: "dude, all your friends are WEIRD!"
YEP! Say hello to the weird me! (new version is long-haired and headbanded, batteries not included ;) )

So, anyway, as I said, I've been upto no good lately - much reading, actually, of Ancient Greek philosophy, and here are a few phrases I've very much enjoyed:

Xenophanes:
- “mortals suppose that the gods are born and have clothes and voices and shapes like heir own”
- “there is one god, among gods and men the greatest, not at all like mortals in body or mind”
- “he sees as a whole, thinks as a whole, and hears as a whole”
- “he moves everything by the thought of his mind”
- “he always remains in the same place, not moving at all”
- “everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end”
- “no man knows or ever will know the truth about gods and about everything I speak of”

So, the first couple of ones, about the entity of god as a whole fits right in with how I (and probably many of you) feel (or have felt) about this world: it's all one. big. giant. whole. and ALL is GOD, and GOD is ALL, because everything IS, everything is created and therefore creation, and the creator it(or him, if you prefer:P)-self is everywhere, omnipresent and omnipotent.

The "everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end" part reminds me of this funny little quote:
If my decomposing carcass helps nourish the roots of a juniper tree or the wings of a vulture - that is immortality enough for me. And as much as anyone deserves.
- Edward Abbey


Anyone out there who happens to read any of this crap here and think it's not that bad, just comment, would ya? Even if it's offtopic. I really feel like talking :)

Alright, hope you had a great weekend!
Here's some other links that I've recently read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood-brain_barrier
http://www.the-scientist.com/news/display/53138/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclamate
http://www.stevia.net/
http://www.aspartamesafety.com/FAQ.htm
http://www.elmhurst.edu/~chm/vchembook/549acesulfame.html

^_^
|_|
(uhm, nvm)

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Friday, September 14, 2007

I'd rather be

I'd rather be a has been
then a might have been by far,
for a might have been
has never been,
but a has been
was once an Are.

I'd rather be a could be
if I couldn't be an Are,
for a could be is a maybe
with a chance of reaching far.

(unknown author)

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

meet ... uhm ... someone

I just saw "Meet Joe Black". My head's full of ideas. It hurts. I can't get them all out but I'll go with the flow.

What's it like to live knowing when you'll die?
Would you perhaps go to that girl and tell her, with your voice trembling: "Hey, I was waiting for you. I have to tell you something before I chicken out and never say it: I think... you're... I think you're the most... you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen"
"Why thank you", she would say, and then maybe, just maybe, you won't run out on her because you're too emotional to say something else.

Or you might go to that girl and say "Can I see you again?"
And then she'd say something like "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", with a not-so-happy face, just so you won't take it as worst as possible...

Wish I could set my mind free. Wish I could sleep without the continuous racking in my head, the random pieces of thoughts and feelings that just don't let me be one... whole...
I am me. I behave like me. I'm wishing, dreaming, feeling, living... just not entirely where I am, yet. Some parts of me are... scattered.

And that's why you're here.
You'll help me come back together. You'll say things to me that nobody else would say. And I'll tell you anything, cause you're not like anyone else.

There are times in life when you have to stop and deal with yourself. Leave everyone else alone, not burden them with yourself and finally go, do it, be you, on your own, take life by the hand and walk beside it.
"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry"

It's easy. Leave things to rest for a while. And remember what you were thinking: if you hadn't had it, you wouldn't be so sad to have lost it. And don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And nothing's ever over. And love is something you must never lose your faith in. And hope dies last, it's what gets you out of bed each morning. And courage is the mastery of fear. And you want to leave this Earth with no regrets. And... it's a wonderful world! Carpe diem! Don't worry, be happy!

Don't overburden yourself! Take it easy. Clear your head. Write here... write here, take a break. Write all you wish to write, to whomever you wish to write, here, if you can. Take a break.

I'm not discouraged, I just hate feeling behind on feeling. That sounds circular, but what it means is that I'd rather feel okay with everything, and I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure how to be, except by letting it all flow. And this is how it flows...

Welcome, to a new post. First? Last? Probably not.
Welcome, to a new step forward, hopeful, more loving, more honest, and... happier.

I'll be back.


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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

this time i turn to you

I haven't been here in a long time. Very long time.
I have friends.
I am in love.
I have parents. Relatives.
People I could talk to. Relate to. Feel close to. That could help me with my problems, or at least make me feel better. But right now I don't want any of that.
Do I want to be like a rock or what? I dunno, but this time, the reason I feel like talking to you is... cause you only have to listen. Don't say anything. It's a diary.
Now I turn to you.

Hi.
I'm Paul.
I've been thinking too much about too many. Or too little. Forgot who I am? Not exactly, though I don't feel perfectly at home either.
Yeah, I'm more self-sufficient now, that's the least I can tell. I've just read in a book that men tend to go solve other problems or do things to help'em forget their problems if they've in a difficult situation. And, for 6 months or so...

I've been feeling the urge to live through exciting stuff, taste extreme tastes, drive faster, take on challenges - in short, live more intensely than ever. Is this me, or is this just someone I'm trying to be to help me cope with all the changes I'm going through?
There's no help in this. I just know there isn't. I have to try it and see where it leads me. Cause nobody knows it better than me.
I've had a wonderful summer, though with a lot of mistakes.
And, as I write this, I keep thinking of the people that would read it. My friends. My love. People I love. What would they think, feel, say, ... ?
I've got so many ambitions for this following year. Can I make it? I feel disorganized. Like I should take some time off and figure out my priorities.

So, here I go.
Philosophy. Definitely.
Math. For sure.
CS. Of course.
English. Writing. Reading. Culture in general. Indispensable.
Love. Friends. Family. Girlfriend. Having faith in love. Essential.
Experimenting new things. Expect the unpredictable, in a way. It's part of me.
Doing something that matters. Something to put my heart in.

I'm changing. I already have changed. I've stopped relying on someone else so much. Actually, I didn't need someone else that much, but I wanted to. The truth is that I want someone to live my life with. Even at my age. I do. Really. And having someone, loving someone, being with someone and being happy is wonderful, for me. And it's a challenge, which I also like.
My friends give me a sense of self and my life partner gives me happiness. It's true - I could be happy with just living a lovely life with someone. But I am much more with all you guys. To be the most of me, I need a lot, but just to be me, I don't. Subtle difference, can you see it?
And I've got so much to do, so I hope that will keep me from being sad.
I love so many people. And I felt so troubled without them last year. My home is still not here, but, this time, I plan on making a home out of myself, grabbing on to life and making the most out of every opportunity. Putting heart in all of it. Calming down, in a way, releasing the stress. Yet also keeping that -live it to the max- feeling.

I'll be back to write more, soon. Perhaps I'll rearrange this blog a bit.

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Life in loneliness?

I've just been thinking that maybe something strange is happening to the world: everyone's getting lonelier. It might be just me, growing up, and I'm sure others like me had this same thought once, but with people moving, internet growing, long distance communication easier and cheaper everyday, people become more and more indifferent to their neighbors and active to others that are far away... and that's the story of long distance relationships and lonely beings with no friends. Why? Why not care about your neighbors?

Well, there are still some that hate the internet and every pen-friendish relationship, so they go for the natural hang-out-with-whoever's-around kinda thing. So that's encouraging. But for those who don't choose so, their reason is generally: because it's easier, more convenient, and if I move, I don't have to worry about leaving my friends behind. But is that really life?
What I've seen here in the US is that most people work, and have no friends. No real friends, anyway. They all have "friends" they party with, people they waste time around with, but there's really nobody they can buzz at 2 o'clock in the morning at the door and start crying cause their girlfriend or boyfriend was an ass. They don't go through life-threatening challenges and generally have no time to spare for a random person they just met. Everyone's working or going to school, or both! It's like we've forgotten what gives our life meaning...
It's OTHERS people, it's others! If you were the only person on this planet, there would be no sense to living! So why, then, choose to live off of some imaginary relationship with no hope of ever turning real? To satisfy your own social needs? How can you really help your friends if they have an accident, or God knows what else? Oh, gee, and to think that some actually tell me that's they way they want to lead their whole life...

Am I just being paranoid or is there something really happening?
Have your say in this, leave a comment.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

[Long story short] Five

J: Go away! Leave me alone.
M: I should have never left.
J: You had to leave!
M: No. I didn't have to. I thought it was for the best. For OUR best... I shouldn't have left.

J: We are strangers now...
M: No, we're not... it might seem so, cause it's been so long...
J: That's no different.
M: In feeling, it isn't. But...
There was a long silence.
M: ... I still love you. I love you so much. I love you even more than before, and we've survived! We really have...
J: I didn't. You should have left me months ago.
M: I got you into this. I didn't let you go. I did all the wrong things. Hate me, please, hate me.
J: I did. I don't anymore.
M: Do you even care?
J: No, I don't care. You can do whatever you want, I will never love you again, ever. Never ever, and she crossed her arms.
M: I will always love you...

And in a moment she went from stone cold to crying her heart out.
J: Just... hold... me...
And he did. And they looked at each other's rings...
J: I'm sorry. I just...
M: You don't have to say anything. We're here now, love. Love is everything...
J: Yeah, she said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, yeah...
M: See, you're still alive... we're still here...
J: (sobbing) Yeah...

A long time ago:
J: Don't you dare go away now!
M: I'll be back. You know it!
J: I don't know if I can live without you...
M: Remember what I said? Remember that I told you I know I'll be fine without you, if we ever broke up?
J: I hated that. You should have never said it.
M: I should have never... I was wrong. I thought life always goes on, but it doesn't. We go on, our lives might stand still... You are my life. I mean it! I love you and I always will, and I won't ever be the same without you.
J: Don't go away...
M: I'm not going away away, I'm just ... You know what? I can stay. I can stay if you want me to.
J: Then stay.
She crossed her arms.
M: I think we can make it here too. Really! I don't have to go...
J: Yeah...
M: I'm a jerk, even for thinking I could leave you. Why do you love me so much?
J: There's never too much, you know that...
M: There might be... we never know...
J: Please go. Don't stay here, we both know that's what you have to do.
M: And you?
J: I'll make it. I'll come to you. I'll work my ass off and I'll follow you, baby.
M: You have the power, you know... you should never doubt that. You're the strongest woman I know...
J: No, I'm not. I'm just strongly in love with you...
M: That's half right. I love you too. But it's not true, you do know how to suffer, but you aren't weak, and we're in on this... we both believe in... us. You'll be alright, everything will be alright, we'll be together forever... You're... you...
And in one sentence he wished to say it all. All what?
M: I'll be back.
J: I'll miss you...
M: I'll miss you too...
J: Don't cry...
M: You don't cry...
They were wiping each other's tears.
There weren't any great words to be said. What for? Just to make it even harder to handle? No, all they could do was look at each other - one last time - and head away, for a long, long time.
He was thinking: I love her, run back, grab her, hold her, show her one more time that I will be back, that I will be with her, that we'll both be alright, I love her...
She was thinking: I love him, I love him, please, bring him back to me, please, don't make me feel hate, I love him, I love him, please...
They weren't even leaving and they were already picturing their next day together...

Back:
He was back.
He was back.
M: Three words: I love you.
J: I love you too...
M: I missed you...
J: I missed you too.
M: Baby...

All they have is love...

Find all LSS here

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Monday, April 30, 2007

[Long story short] Four

The next summer, they were on the beach again. M and J. Holding each other. Ah, what it means to believe in love!...

M: You inspire me.
J: I've been told...
M: Modesty. Not your style, huh?
J: You are so foolish... We're all so, so foolish...
M: Forever and a day, you and I...

J: Just you
M: YES!
J: King and queen of the world
M: You make loving fun, fun, fun!
J: I wouldn't mind getting in between the sheets with you...
And they kept spinning and spinning...

Last year:
M: So, what do we do?
J: What do we always do?
M: Fight? he remembered
J: That too, but...
M: I want...
J: To spend a holiday in your arms.
M: To make chocolate cake with you. Do you think we have time?
J: Mmm, chocolate...
M: I've been thinking...
J: Do you realize we've been together four months?
M: That's...
J: So much...
M: Where did they go? he cried.
He was sad.
J: Don't. Please, don't.
M: I don't want to go. I don't want to have to leave, ever. Leave you, leave all of this...
J: You're not leaving me. You're not.
But he wasn't there. His tears were racing down on his cheeks.
J: Please, stop! What's wrong? Please, stop!
M: I can't stop. I can't stop loving you, he tried to smile his way out of it.
J: You don't have to stop. Listen to me, you don't have to... it won't be long before we see each...
He passed out.

Hours later...
M: I'm such a fool.
J: We're all fools...
M: I can't bare it. I can't handle leaving you. I can't...
She took his hands and wrapped them around her waist. She held his head and pressed it on her chest.
J: Listen to this, she said, if you won't listen to me!
His tears disappeared, suddenly. He was there. But, then again, he wasn't there. He was...

Hours later...
J: M, my feet are numb. We've been staying like this for a while... can you let me move, just a bit?
But he didn't reply. She freaked out...
J: M, can you hear me?
She pushed him away and grabbed his face with her palms. No, he wasn't dead... thank God! He was just sleeping.
J: But... but... we're in the...
... park, she was about to say. But what's the use? He was smiling, in his sleep. He fell asleep with a smile...

She didn't want to sleep. She didn't want to close her eyes. She looked up, at the sky, her eyes all a reflection of the thousands of stars out there. He was there, with her...
How could he faint? How could he cry like that? How could the sky be so dark?
Suddenly, without realizing what she was doing, she stood up and stared at him. Time passed. He was there. He was there, with her... and he wasn't going to be there soon. He was going away. Will he come back? Will he still love me?
But their love was... so...
She walked. Slowly, away from him. She was crying now, too, and she started to run. And she ran till her legs couldn't stand it anymore. Her eyes full of tears, her breath horribly rushed, her heart wanting to explode.
J: But he was there, with me... HE WAS THERE!!! she yelled
Then she made a decision. One that would change her whole life...

It was almost morning. She ran for hours. But, finally, she was there: a jewelry shop.
J: Hi.
X: Hello, can I help you?
J: Yes, I'm here to get an engagement ring. Well, two... For me and my... future...
But she stopped. X could see, she had tears in her eyes.
X: Let me help you. What are you looking for?
J: Just show me what you have.
She knew. That second she knew that just by seeing them, she would know which pair to pick.
But X couldn't help wondering why her face was sad, and why she cried so heavily. She looked tired, worn out, but glowing.
J: Please tell me you know what you're doing!
X: What's that?
J: Oh, she blushed, I was just... talking to myself.
X: Here's what we have. I'd recommend...
But X stopped. Her eyes were glowing, she saw what she was looking for.
J: Blue. How much are these?
When she heard the price, she collapsed on the floor.
J: How on Earth could I afford that?
She was hearing voices. She was in doubt. She was... thinking of him.
J: I need them tonight. Now. Is there any conceivable way that I can pay for them later?
Probably all her life.
X looked at her. Couldn't possibly do this to the girl, couldn't say no.
X: Okay, here's how it is. You give me what you have now, and leave me your ID. Then you can pay the rest some other day, but soon.
J: Okay, she thought.
Maybe he wouldn't take it and she'll just bring it back... but no, she mustn't think like that. Today, now, she will get to him. And they will say those words...
X: There you go.
J: Here's my ID.
X: You have a great day, okay? And try smiling sometime.
J: Thank you, and there was a faint trace of one.

He woke up.
M: Where is she? to himself
She had never left him before. And he was cold, he was tired, he was... leaving in two days.
M: Excuse me, sir, what time is it? he asked a stranger
But then, he saw her, and forgot to hear the answer to his question. She was running. So was he.
J: You. We need to talk.
He could see - she cried all night.
J: We have to...
She took a deep breath.

One day, one time, there was a he and a she. They were in love. And he was leaving, but not for good. That day, he promised her that he'll be with her again, soon, so, so soon. And what's a couple of years when you compare them with a lifetime of togetherness?
Nothing.

That moment, something got into her. She wanted to do this, and she wanted to do it right, and funny, and lovely like he made her feel. He told her she was beautiful, everyday, and sometimes she felt it was too often, but never dared to tell him.
She called him baby, everyday, and sometimes he felt it was too often, but never dared to tell her.
She took off her jacket and laid it in front of her. She knelt down, and pulled out a small little box from her back pocket.
J: I think I have to ask you something.
He was stunned. He was... smiling. For the first time in a long time.
M: I think I want to hear you out, he almost whispered.
J: It took just four months for me to know. Sometimes, when I think of you, I see a house, a dream, a life, the magic place I want to spend my life in. I walk into that house, and it's you. It's all you. You're the one who built it, you're the one who made it come to life. It's your heart - my house. And I feel at home in there. And I'm here, today, kneeling on a jacket in front of you, to ask you this...
his mouth was open...
J: Will you, M, marry me?

That night:
J: Sometimes, the answer is in the sky... but there's no stars up there without you next to me. You're taking all the stars.

That day, very late, he took her home. Then, he went to the jewelry store - the one they both knew, the one she must have visited.
M: That should cover it. And, please, when she comes here, just give her this...

A cube.
On the front face, there were two giraffes, holding hands, staring at each other, and a big "YES!" right between them.

M: ... oh, and, please, show it to her this face first!
And he walked away, thinking he'll see her again, soon, and thinking of her goodbye words: You inspire me...

When she woke up there was a chocolate cake on her bed. Her name was spelled with whipped cream, and under it there was a phrase: "Forever and a day, you and I"

Find all LSS here

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Saturday, April 07, 2007

Sometimes

Sometimes, every touch is too much. Sometimes, anything you do just gets things more and more complicated. When losing yourself in trying to do what's best, when forgetting how important it is to live your life, when asking for too much from too many people, that's sometimes.
Sometimes is everything and sometimes is all the time...

Sometimes I was in Romania and at this time of the day I was getting ready. For what? To go "sa luam lumina" ([RO] "to be enlightened"), with family. Sometimes, I took the SATs and called the dearest person in the world right after, to reveal the news. "How was it? How was it?"...
Sometimes I cry when I should laugh. Or smile.
Sometimes I'm sad when I should be happy.
Sometimes I'm selfish when I should give.
Sometimes I defend myself from an imaginary attack. Sometimes I imagine I have too many problems, when, in fact, I have none...

Sometimes is everything and sometimes is all the time...

Sometimes I lose it, sometimes I get a grip and hold on 'till it hurts too bad. Sometimes I feel the world has come to an end. Yet sometimes I wake up and life is pink. Pink...ish. Sometimes I write a post at 9:07PM on Saturday, April 07.

Sometimes I fear I'm just not able to defeat my own fears. And sometimes I fear I am.
I live a life, don't I? I live a life for you. And, believe it or not, I want the same things for us. Believe it or not, I wish we'd stop being sad and just be happy; so, so, so happy with what we have. I know you, I really do, and I know that these are just hard times. and we are growing up...
Sometimes I feel we've got too long to go. And then I see you, and for an hour or two I forget what time is. That's when it's never too long.

Sometimes, I forget that living life means living your own. And, of course, most of the times I'm dumb. Or dumbfounded. Hear me now, for, on Easter eve, I find little peace. On Easter eve I miss all there is to miss.

Yet I am not sad. Nor am I discouraged. Why, oh Lord, is that?

Could it be because of you? Have you become so much? I think, I feel you did. My life has changed. My life has stopped and started since that day. And now it's on. And I know who I am, thanks to us. Thanks to you, and thanks to me. And thank God.

On this day, I say to you: Happy Easter. On this day, I find peace, the inner peace that we know. And by this time tomorrow, I'm dreaming of a time of serenity, cause you are "o oaza de lumina" ([RO] an oasis of light) for me. And I, for you. And we shall meet and remember. And feel. And live. There's life to be lived. There's things to be done. There's all I am and all you are...

Sometimes I write poems. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I fall in love. But love doesn't hurt. I might hurt. And for what?

Sometimes you hit your head. "Is it still round?" I ask. You laugh.

Sometimes I see my friends. And, for a moment, I remember it all over again: Why? Why is it worth it? Because... sometimes.

Sometimes it's just too hard. Sometimes the only way out seems like giving up. And, for a moment, I remember it all over again: Why? Why is it worth it? Because... sometimes.

"Here's a riddle for you! Find the answer! There's a reason for the world..."

Sometimes, I see what I do. What I want to do. Sometimes I feel I'll blow up. But then I remember it all over again. Why? Because... sometimes.

Love. Passion. Faith. Hope. Ambition. Will. Strength. Desire. Interest. Belief. All in one... me? Sometimes I lose it. Sometimes I don't. Aren't we all sometimes?

Sometimes is every time. Sometimes is everything. Sometimes is you and me. So, heh, let's be!

"Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time"
(Britney Spears - Sometimes)

Sometimes I need someone to hold. You.
Sometimes you want to run away. Sometimes I do, too.
Sometimes I fight: This sometimes is all the time.
Sometimes I do not love: This sometimes is never.
All I really want... I've already got, haven't I?
"Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it
Sometimes I wished I could walk away
Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it through
But you know I'm gonna do it anyway"
(Roger Alan Wade - Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it)
Sometimes I learn, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I'm here, sometimes I'm there. I can see or I'm just blind. I believe or I give up. Sometimes is happy-sad. Bittersweet. Pink...ish... But "I'm gonna do it anyway"!

His story:
"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." (Ricky Fitts, American Beauty)

Mine:
There's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes I am.
There's so much beauty in the world. And so much love... so much feeling in the world...
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I'm not going to. Because, in the end, sometimes is every time. And I don't want to give up. Don't judge, simply reason: nothing is every time. Nothing is everything. Everything is sometimes (or something, if you will), all the time. And that's just it: believe me or not, don't judge.

Sometimes we are. Sometimes we're... not.
And sometimes all you can do is pray. Hope. Love. Faith.
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope
(Mandy Moore - Only hope)
Sometimes we think we can do it alone. But sometimes we can't. Come here, talk to me. I'm here... I'm listening.
Sometimes, it's better to just let it out... let me hear it, let me hear from you, all of you.
This is my end song...
"Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to do it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to do it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"
(U2 - Sometimes you can't make it on your own)
And here I was, thinking that sometimes I won't write about you...

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Monday, April 02, 2007

CrazYly

Starting today, I wanna try a crazy wacky thing each day. And for those who really care, don't worry, it won't imply risking my life in any way, or doing "something bad", I swear, I'll be good and careful! :)
If you've got ideas or suggestions, or just wanna tell stuff that you tried on your own, you're welcome to join me!
In the spirit of adventure, no?...

Warm wishez!
Oh, and, I'll post a story soon... It's waiting to come out of me.

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

[Long story short] Three


M: Sometimes I feel that no matter what I do I'll never even have the chance to begin my "project" in this world. There's always something missing. For some reason, when I can think it, me, when I realize what I want to do here, with my little piece of this puzzle called The Universe, I'm overwhelmed. And I feel that I have known, thought, understood and felt so much of this place, and yet so little...
J: I love you, you know...
M: The world is a fascinating place...
J: You think the world is one whole?
M: One lonely whole?...

J: Yeah, like one... lonely... whole...
M: I love you too, baby.
J: Baby...
M: What do you see when you look around you? Are things there, is anything happening?
J: It might be a dream. But I would be sad only shortly, if it was, cause, after all, it's a dream with you...
M: That scares me. What you just said. That makes it possible for us to be just brains in a jar. If man were given what he needs I don't think he could believe that the world is not real, I really think he would have to struggle against his own self to believe that it's an illusion.
J: Sometimes I get the feeling that you're living at a totally different level from me. And then I remember how much of you I have (pointing at her heart) in here. And then I know we're on the same level. The fact that I can feel everything about you, that I can even know and understand it, always makes me speechless. I dunno what to say...
M: Sometimes when I look at someone I desire full perception, I want to intrude inside of that person and see the world through his or her eyes. And I want that so much that I can almost feel it's real. I'm not sure if it's even close to the actual thing, but, to some extent, that doesn't even matter.
J: Yeah, because, in fact, you can never know for real, with your mind, what the inside of the other is like. That's why you should always listen carefully and not judge - cause you don't know. And I guess the only way we work in this world is by giving meaning to things, even if they don't have one. Even if it's the wrong meaning.
She took off her top.
J: See? This is a bra, right. But, in itself, it wouldn't exist if it weren't for us, human beings. The only reason this object means a bra to me is because I think of what a bra is, and my concept of it is mine alone. Someone who hasn't seen one doesn't know what it is.
M: I've seen one.
He smiled.
J: (smiling) Yes, you have, and you can have this one, she said, walking towards him and throwing it.
M: I love it when we talk philosophy before...
J: Before what?
(silence)
M: When I think of what matters to me I've got a dilemma: is it you, is it love, or is it simply everything in the world, but with you on top?
J: (climbing on top of him) Ya playin' with me, boy?
M: No... He was laughing. No. I mean that, are we the reason for the world?
J: That's a riddle we can never solve, isn't it? All I know is...
M: All we know is, dear.
J: All we know is that we can't help loving each other.
M: Right. Maybe love is such a thing that you can't even realize when you're feeling it. Cause I feel that I've got no problem in the world. Yet, I cannot comprehend what I feel about you. I think of you, I picture you, and you're so familiar that I can't feel anything except that you're a part of me.
J: That's strange. When I think of you, when I imagine you, I feel you inside too. Hey, you're right... is this real?
M: Yeah, see, cause it's inside. Everything is inside, we're reducing the world. Or, maybe it's transcendence?
J: Well, real or imaginary, it's a story, our story, and as long as I am you and I, and you are you and I, I can honestly say that I'm happy. Not that I'm not going to make something of myself, or live for myself as well, but, in a way, I can't just for myself. I'm addicted to you... Her breath was so close now that he could feel her warm exhale.
M: You know what Nietzsche said about relying on God? I feel that every one of us should try, as much as possible, to make it on his own, or, at least, not expect help from God. Help from others, yes. And if there's a heaven up there, you and I will meet again. But, regardless of that, there's a heaven down here, there's a life here that we have to live.
J: And I know best how wrong running away from this life is. Now shut up and kiss me!
She was anxious. This was their first time on the beach. She pressed her lips onto his.
---


J: Why are we here?
They were touching, side by side. Lying on the sand. Staring at the sky. The sunset...
M: You and I?
J: No. We... all...
M: We're here to live, and even that might not be true. I'm here to make a big difference, I have my ambitions...
J: Maybe I could change the way people are seen and understood, you know? I'm not that smart, but...
M: Stop it. Any human being on this planet could do quite a lot for the world. Even a bunch of little things! Little things make a big difference. And no, actually you are smart.
J: Why do you believe in me so much?
M: I don't... I believe in me, and (smiling) it just "happened" that you're (pointing at his heart) around, too.
J: Right. Wise ass.
---
J: There's so many unanswered questions...
M: Yeah...
J: You know that cliche about listening to your heart? It's true. That's where the answers lie.
M: The dreams. The beliefs. The hopes. The ideas. Everything has to do with our heart in the end. And...
J: ...and even if it might be just a part of our mind, or something, living is so connected to feeling that, that... you just can't live without...
M: You can, but...
J: Love.
M: That's the key. Love and you won't be afraid. Love is everything. "If there's no love, there's nothing!" ([RO] M. Preda, "Cel mai iubit dintre pamanteni")
They cuddled. It was much past time to sleep, but their eyes were widely open.
J: The sky is beautiful tonight.
---

M: Sleep well, angel...
J: You're my angel!
M was slightly blushing.

Find all LSS here

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Friday, February 23, 2007

Deconfusing the confusion inside


Time. Time. So little time. Yet time is so slow...
I miss...
I want time to go faster now and then stop. But wait, it is so. It stops when I see you... it stops and then something fills me up. With love, hope, faith. I...

I miss me. I miss you. I miss the past, present, and future within us. I miss everything. And I'm so tired that it barely hurts. And I'm smiling, you know, the beautiful smile; I feel so alive!

---

You fight with yourself for something for so long, and think that you'll keep it up, keep believing, keep fighting, and when you succeed you don't know what to say. How to react. Nothing. Nothing!
I am naked in front of you, and I don't even know if I want to cover myself or to let you see...

---

I'm not sure I'm ready for this. How would I know when I'm ready? Every night I go to sleep without knowing what I'll be feeling the morning after. I wake up and wonder what happened that night, where was I, where were you, where we were...

---

Breaking away from a world is hard. But coming back might be even harder, no matter how much faster it could be...

---

Fragments. Pieces. Of the same puzzle? Hope so.
That's what I've got. And I can't put them together. What's missing?

---

Thank God life gives me this chance: to wait for everything to come to me and make me feel and think again, to wait for the Universe to find me again; not that I've lost myself, but I must be somewhere very dim. Somewhere... in the dark. It seems that I just can't find the will to look inside of me, anymore. And tomorrow I'll wake up feeling differently...

---

There are days when I can't focus on anything. There are periods of time that fly by, and then I look back and think something like: "wow, where did the last hour go?" Sometimes I'm in class. Or at home. In the car. In bed. Taking a shower. Eating. Dreaming. Walking. Feeling. Thinking. Being...
Everywhere I am I can't be without you. Yet this strikes me so bad, so big that I'm almost blind. I can still remember, I can try to feel everything I felt once again, but it will never be the same.
Should it? I don't know. But I feel it shouldn't. I think we're supposed to make a new path for ourselves now. To find... a new way. More our way than it ever was before. Our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions. Our plans (yep, we don't have many actual 'plans', but...). Our lives... our whole lives are just beginning. And all that is so new and so exciting, and so big... that I'm not sure I can even begin to comprehend it.
It's overwhelming!

---

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone with myself so I can be with you.

---

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Alone with myself.

---

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Without myself...

---

Sometimes...

---

Pupi.

---

I would love to read you, think you, feel you. Write me, anything. (And yes, I'm writing to you. Don't wonder who! If you're reading this, I'm writing to you!)
Maybe you don't realize this but I'm helpless. I'm so helpless that I'll keep writing you even if you hate me. Even if you ignore me. I'll always be here. Here for you...

---

I realize my life means a couple of things first and many many many many many others after that. A while ago, I think I was in 11 grade (so that makes it 3 years ago almost), I wrote about what means most to me in this life. There were three things: being needed/loved(1), knowledge(2), creativity/nature(3). Here's a short explanation about each of them:
1. "In viata de pe pamant, excluzand viitorul meu ca fiinta spirituala, suflet, in Rai sau Iad, prima mea prioritate este sa ma simt necesar." (In my earthly life, excluding my future as a spiritual being, or my soul, in Heaven or Hell, my first priority is to feel I'm necessary.)
2. "E pe locul doi, fiindca fara cunoastere nu pot indeplini prima parte."(Second place because without knowledge I cannot fulfill the first part.)
"Cunoasterea aici cuprinde cateva domenii mari si late: psihologia umana, pe primul loc, la mare distanta de urmatoarele (era inainte, iar acum s-au apropiat celelalte), informatica, matematica, engleza, practica materiala (prin asta se intelege cat de bine ma descurc de unul singur cu materialismul [adica generic vorbind banii, sau gatitul, s.a.]). "(Here, knowledge embraces a couple of big areas: human psychology, first, followed by computer science, math, english, and practical stuff (anything materialistic [e.g. cash, cooking, etc.]).)
3. "Creativitatea consta la mine in randamentul folosirii resurselor." (Creativity, from my perspective, includes the ratio/efficiency with which I use my capabilities.) To put it simple, the outside brought inside through the first two, the way I see the world resonate with my own self.
*** Excerpted from an old chapter

It's interesting, for me, to notice that even since back then I knew a lot about who I am. It's amazing that, to some extent, I am that same guy. And what's also a big thing is how the first is the only independent part of myself that always surfaces, through anything. I believe in love... I believe in love as a reason to be here, in a way. And anytime I don't quite get why I am this way, something happens, and It shows me again. It who? Dunno. The Universe, God? One and the same, maybe...
Whenever the course of events lets me down, the second and third parts of me came to the aid of the first one. And each one depends on the ones above it... which is why the first one is ... everything :)
Even though I'm essentially the same, some things changed...

The "new" me:
1. Love. Hope. Faith. (it changed the orientation compared to "the old number 1")
2. Knowledge. Spirit. Will. (Metaphysical) desire.
3. The world as an opportunity. The Universe as the "other". The purpose of everything else.

1. Although my reason for being is not only this, love, hope and faith are essentially the three things that make me... me. I believe I'm made to live life as everything, get involved as much as I can, put my heart in it and not take it back. Live it till the end. That's love. Hope... hope that I will make it through. "Hope is what makes us wake up in the morning", says a famous quote, hope is what one needs to believe in love during those hardest moments. Faith is what you need when everything else fails. Do you know that song: "Have a little faith in me"? Sometimes, love hurts, hope is almost nothing, and we run away. And then faith kicks in, as the last drop in the ocean... the last piece of you above sea level, perhaps. This trio is not mine, originally, but it's now a part of me. I know it's also in the bible, but, as it happens with me all the time, the people I care most about bring me my beliefs. This also works the other way: my beliefs bring around people I can bond with most. I think this happens to many of us, honestly...

2. All those are intertwined into a strong... web. Knowledge encompasses my unceasing curiosity, cause I almost never get sick of learning new things, understanding life, and feeling my own reality, or imagining other people and their world.
Spirit is the tiny thread that climbs on the ladder of life, on its way swirling around other spirits, yours perhaps, maybe, actually hopefully finding a dear company, and pushing forward through the web of the Universe...
Will is... not so much free will, but will as the strength and ambition to move on through life, the part that is possible because of the LHF.
The (metaphysical) desire is strongly connected to all the first three.
Metaphysical = Literally, beyond the physical realm, beyond that which we can realize or discover with our five senses. Also, a branch of philosophy which studies the “beingness” or inherent nature of reality. (Google definition)
Don't think of desire in the literal term of wanting something to posess. Rather, desire in the metaphysical sense means wanting to give yourself to that something or someone, making you a part of it, instead of grabbing and pulling it towards you. This may sound generic or too broad, so you can imagine a metaphysical desire as the reward of you meaning more than just yourself, the spiritual significance of, say, the cup you drank milk in every day when you were a kid. If you can give yourself to something/someone without expecting anything in return, you remain there, and you gain so much more. Because, see, whenever you expect return, you are actually less, regardless if you receieve it or not! I'll write about this soon, only I haven't researched enough. But if you want to look into it, read about intentionality and psychism, works by Francisco Romero and Emmanuel Levinas.

3. This is kind of equivalent to the creativity I chose before. The idea is that the Universe is here and it gives me the opportunity to be a part of it. Thus, I intend to look at it as if it were at least as great as I am, and give it at least big a chance as it gives me. So to speak, the "other" is not to be reduced to "myself", by similarity or anything else. That is disconsidering the whole nature of the Universe. I'm not sure I can even comprehend what the Universe means, much less make sense of its little parts. At least I should not disrespect it. And the impossibility of KNOWING something entirely is a source of infinite creativity. I hope you understand this.
I'm still not sure of how to explain and fit in my belief that, even though you can't KNOW something entirely, you can FEEL it. Or him/her... It's a naive belief, perhaps, but I feel that, even though our senses are limited, there is a... way... special way, through which you can really be something else... someone else... oh and that sounds so beautiful to me... I'm such a romantic kid!

So, this is where my reasoning ends today, and here's another part of me heading out to you...

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Friday, February 16, 2007

One of those moods

Wednesday
I'm at school. I'm just in one of those moods after the philosophy course. As I was listening to the teacher lecturing us on Francisco Romero's philosophy...

He also got into Kierkegaard, Derrida, Descartes, Husserl, Hegel, etc.
Kierkegaard said "Subjectivity is untruth".
Quote
Subjectivity, inwardness, is the truth. Is there a still more inward expression for this? Yes, there is. If subjectivity is seen as the truth, we may posit the opposite principle: that subjectivity is untruth, error. Socratically speaking, subjectivity is untruth if it fails to understand that subjectivity is truth and desires to understand itself objectively. But now we are presupposing that subjectivity in becoming the truth has a difficulty to overcome in as much as it is in untruth. So we must work backwards, back to inwardness. Socratically, the way back to the truth takes place through recollection, supposing that we have memories of that truth deep within us.
EndQuote
- from here

In the analysis of truth, Romero discusses the psychism: intentional and pre-intentional. This got me thinking about the implications of philosophy itself, for some reason, and I questioned myself: "Why do I enjoy every course so much?" What I found is that philosophy offers a perspective to interpret everything around it. Like a series of schemes, each designed to interpret and justify that interpretation of reality. Obviously, the way we conceive the world is crucial in our attitude towards is. Such as I have sort of decided to take as many philosophy courses as I can afford, and read as much of it as I can. Hopefully I'll stand by this decision and I'll make it a rule to read philosophy whenever I've got time.

Though I already found my way, I'm at a point in my life when everything is confusing due to the horrendous number of meanings I can find. Now that I know my way, I am open to any thinking, I'm looking for the surroundings of my path, so to speak, looking for what I'm supposed to be looking for in my journey. I want to recognize what I'm interested in, and for this, philosophy is the best means. Realizing this, I'm slowly shifting some of my attention from the scientific evolution perspective to the philosophical perspective, a.k.a. our humble existence on Earth.

---
Thursday
Okay, now I'm home. And I could write forever. I've managed to let out what I've forcefully held in for so long it was almost bursting out of me. And I feel so much better. Yet I still need to write, more and more. When will it end?

Yesterday I read in philosophy how after an object exists for a certain period of time, and people observe it, attribute meaning to it, make it part of their culture - then the object gains an existence in itself. That's another way to express the power of creation in human beings - amazing!

It's so wonderful to learn how to feel again after a time when you were numb. The best things in my life always happened after a very depressing, boring, or monotonous period of time. Maybe best in contrast would be the right way to call it, though I'm pretty sure that fate made it such that those great times were also very great in themselves...
I've got so many thoughts and in such a random order. Yep, that's me. Always confusing my reader without the intention to do so. Let me see...

---

It's funny how it takes so much work to close your heart, and a single second can open it up again.
The life within our soul is much more than life. We, as human beings, are capable of things that we can barely understand...

And maybe some of you dislike or misjudge this difference I point out between mind and soul. Maybe you think of the human being as just mind. Or mind and heart (well, where the soul is, although not exactly). Or mind, soul/heart, and spirit. Or just spirit. Whichever way, think of the soul as the part of you that feels and travels through those feelings. The spirit is somehow more general and rather not contained within ourselves, usually regarded as a guardian or a presence above our heads maybe. The mind is the easiest of all, right?

...So, I was saying, our soul is capable of much more than our mind thinks. The secret is (listen to this one) to not take yourself seriously. Every time you make a big fuss about the sudden feeling you've had, you're probably going to fail to understand it. Why is that?
It's interesting to notice that over involvement, tumultuous activity inside of yourself makes you feel so much alive (in the sense that time passes so much slower), but it also makes you see less of the actual soul you possess. Most of the times when you try to think about what you're feeling, you're practically looking for signs and question your heart about what it's doing. Blah blah blah, why are you feeling like this and that?

Want to know a secret? That's not the way to do it! Whenever you would like to understand yourself and your feelings better, open your heart to the "what if" and just put your mind aside, observe what your heart does, what it feels. Follow it.
Of course that may sound absurd. I mean, where's myself if I follow my heart? Is the heart its own entity? No. Of course not. The heart is the nucleus of our deepest feelings and our intricate design always ends with it. It's the center of our inner life and as long as you listen to it - the heart, a part of yourself which you cannot completely control (even though you'd so much like to, sometimes) - you will not just be happy, you will know thyself, what you represent, which way is your wind blowing and what to expect. Since, with evolution, human beings have gotten so complex, it is predictable to see that now so few people understand their hearts and get to think "hey, screw the heart, I can do so much more with my mind." No, you can't. You can control the heart more than the mind, yes. But that only means that others can do so in your place too. What do you make of that? If you like to be in control, you have to learn how to communicate with yourself. Because, just as you can't force someone else to feel, think or do something, you can't force yourself, or at least not without losing what you once had. Being in control is a good thing only if you don't cross some certain boundaries. If you're trying to control everything, even if it's just about yourself, you're not doing very well.
Let's put it this way. Can you recreate yourself? No! God can. God gave you these complex heart and mind to deal with, so unless you're God, you better get used to the idea that you're not almighty. No, only God is omnipotent. Hence, stop trying to have everything under control, you will almost certainly fail, every time. Knowing yourself is not an act of being bossy, of challenging yourself and following your own orders. You have to agree with yourself, to love yourself, to be patient with yourself and care about your own existence. It's also all part of what the society nowadays tends towards - freedom of the individual. If other times it was more important for groups to be free, now the focus lies on the individual: same-sex marriages, more rights for every citizen, equality, freedom of opinion, acceptance, and the list can go on (I just don't read the news:D)...
Care for yourself.

I just recently found out that the one girl in this world right for me will be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard to find. And to get. And to keep. And the reason I believe all that is because she has to have a couple of things that 99.9999999 of the people in this world don't have. She has to be capable of love, and understand how much that means and how much a part of oneself it becomes once present. She has to be able to live without me. She has to believe in me, at least half of how much I believe in her. She has to believe in love. And in people. She has to love people. And the world. I'm not even gonna start with the smart, cute, and adorable kinda things.
And then, I'd really really want her to have long hair. Love walks in the park, rain, snow, sunsets and sunrises; she should know how to be a kid but be able to act as an adult, and capable of doing the right things when the situation calls for it. She should be selfish enough not to let me go without a last kiss, and selfless enough to tell me everything she feels even if it hurts me like hell. She is everything. Have I already met her? I don't know. How do you know when you've met the girl of your life? You don't. You just feel it... I guess that relates to what I wrote above... I feel it now and I hope that she will stay.

---
Friday
I'm just in one of those moods when I don't know what the next word I type will be. It just comes straight out. Here. And here. And here. Wow. That's fast. That's me... thinking... How fast could I be thinking? Sometimes when I wrote something I was so inspired that I knew, ahead with a few paragraphs, what I was going to write. I was so desperately concentrated on what I was writing because I didn't want to forget that last paragraph. It was the key scene. The thing of the things. Here, now, I have no plan. I'm just hoping this goes somewhere.

The way I figure it, someday, somehow, I will re-read my writings and - cling! - I'll have THE IDEA. The idea of a best-seller. THE BOOK I've always wanted to write but never before did. Gosh, I pray I'm right. Speaking of praying, I believe in God more and more lately. Could God be an entity that life teaches you exists, and those who don't believe in Him just ignore the signs? It's a definite possibility. Signs. I believe in signs too. They're not coincidences. It's all part of the reason you have to be patient with yourself, spend time and care about your inner being. Yet I'm always open to your point of view. So tell me, don't be silent. Silence is not golden on my blog.

Did I forget who I am? I think not. It doesn't feel like I did. But why, then, do I have trouble remembering what I thought yesterday? Wait. I lost my trail of thoughts. I forgot. I was going to write about a lot of things and now it just feels like I've only one thing to talk about. L - O - V - E.

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What do you see when you see what I see? What do you see when I see what you see?

This picture makes me shiver. It's called "Don't be afraid little girl", and I'm the type who gives credit, so, I got it from here, by MessedUpMind.
That's what I thought about a lot lately. The fear. Of life. Of distances. Of obstacles. What's fear, anyway? Can we defeat it? Some famous quote says "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." (Mark Twain) Fear is what? Not understanding? Not believing in yourself? Not thinking ahead? Most of the times you are not wrong to believe in yourself. You are wrong to believe in things blindly. If you're blind about yourself, you might be wrong. But don't be. Stare at yourself in the mirrow. What do you see? Are you afraid, little girl? Or little boy. This picture has so much meaning, I don't even need to tell you anthing else. You can see for yourself, in yourself, can't you? (whadda ya know, the title of my blog)

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No matter how confused I am, I've still learned something today. A lot of things. Right now I'm just thinking about one. Concerning myself. I've found a new passion: I want to meet, know, and understand people. Another disturbing discovery, for what could I be? A shrink? A therapist? I feel not only I can help people and understand them, but I can relate to most of them as well. I can bond with someone in a few minutes. And, whatever you're thinking, no, it does not imply any lying, cheating, or pretending. I've just been through a lot. At least, for my age. And I think this, somehow, states the new future of youngsters. They will have to deal with more and more, grow up faster, live as kids for a longer period of time. I think this is already happening in the US, more than anywhere else perhaps. People here all seem very young, at heart, so un-challenged. It's like they haven't yet had to deal with the hardships that other people have had to fight through.
It's sad, if you ask me, all people having to grow up faster. And work. Assume responsibilities. More and more countries in the world are beginning to employ teens for easy jobs. And even hard ones. I don't think that is right... I think we're trying to accelerate the world towards something we don't even know yet, and submitting our young to such a risk is not only irresponsible, but foolish, stupid, and unfair. Why should they have to go through all that? Why should the adult individual have increasingly more free time and the youngsters have less and less? Think about it, what's the best time of your life? Your 50's? I doubt it. At least for most people. But, anyway, this is a very big issue... too much to talk about just on a simple blog post. The pressures on the teenager nowadays are huge. Read Christoph Dufosse's Sfarsitul Orelor (L’heure de la sortie, School’s out) to get a picture of it. A strange picture of it.

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I want to learn. I want to master three wholly different areas. I want to be... as close to THE TRUTH as I can be. Yet that is not what I desire. I believe in love. And as long as I can, I will fight for it. Sure, there might be times when I give up, times when I can't handle THE TRUTH as a whole, when I only choose one side, like most of us humans do, and live with it, for a while. But, see, I think it's best to realize as much of anything as you can. To be able to accept someone else's interpretation. To really put your heart into it, and try to see it not only through the other's eyes, but through his mind and heart as well. To believe in the other like he was yourself. That's how Kant said we should treat others anyway, isn't it? As "ends in themselves, not as means to an end." How many times do you hear the phrase "Oh, if only someone could see it like I see it", "if only someone could see it through my eyes." It=life, love, the ocean, the sunset, the world, the passion, the excitement, the smell or taste even. How many times have you wished someone could live inside of you for a while and see everything through your eyes?
To me, really knowing and understanding something means knowing as many sides of its truth as possible. Yes. And then living it. And, pratically, you can never know every side => You can never know the truth. Which reminds me of a quote:
"1. Never tell everything at once." (Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life).
You can never know everything. The truth. But you can feel it. That's how we're made, I think, to understand life better by living it, feeling it, being every moment. But that's not carpe diem. It's all part of being crazy responsibly. Doing what you do and not forgetting yourself along the way. And your responsibilities. And your beliefs. Your top three. Mine? Love, hope, faith (these three words have changed my life).

I am alive. And I am so glad to be alive that I can't actually describe it. What have I done today? Facts, there are so few I can barely count them. (Which reminds me, funny. Do you think that counting up to three is done so rarely that you'd actually have to think a bit to remember how to do it? I can't remember the last time I counted.) But what I realized is an entirely different thing. I am so glad to be in my shoes right now. I love the Universe. And how it works. And how lucky I am. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to have stories to tell, and now I think I do. I have the story of my life, which is very beautiful to me, and that is enough. I thank God for this day. I thank God for this story. And I thank you for being a part of it. This is so exciting! Oh wow!

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I've thought about doing some pretty wacky things. And now's the perfect time to think and talk about them again. I wanna try bungee jumping. I wanna try sky diving. Scuba diving too, maybe. I wanna jump using a parachute. Drive at 200 miles per hour. Make love on an airplane. Visit an ice-water hotel (that is, a hotel made of ice). Ski. Pop a really big balloon. See a shark live. Spend a night on the bottom of Grand Canyon. Shoot with a bow and arrow. Be hypnotized. Kiss upside down. French. Jump from the second floor (or as high as possible without hurting myself). Eat on someone else's body, heh. Tear clothes. Sleep in a cave. Watch the rain lying down, on the ground. See an avalanche. Hug a tree - this one I did, but I'd do it again. Build a really big snowman. There's also a couple of weird things I'd like to try. And also some things with meeting people. I love to see people's reactions to what I do, and I mean that not in a "hey lemme test this bomb on this guy" way, but in a "i feel like being this way now" way. Get it? There's so much I can barely stop. I wanna try myself. Challenge myself. Prove myself that I can do so much. And that's not just for me. Right now, it's not just for me. But I want to be my own entity, even if I feel I depend on someone else. We all do, I think. Being happy is not a consequence of self-sufficiency. And, anyway, most people are not sufficient to themselves. If they were, they wouldn't need anything or anyone else in the world. Wow, not even things! Who can be that self-absorbed?

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I wish I could write a poem now. But I think I will go dream, instead. Dream of a beautiful world. And remember who I am. And why I'm here. And what I can do. I wanna be alive, so much alive! And I'll keep discovering who I am through philosophy. And life, and dreams. It's all too much now, but time will take care of me. It sure will...

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Wanna read some Romanian language posts about time? See this.

Sink into it! (expand)