Evelyn: Don't worry about 'why' when 'what' is right in front of you. (The Shape of Things)

Sunday, March 29, 2009


I've been meaning to say this for a long, long time, and finally, here it is!
I'm moving to a new site!
I've been active here for a long time, that's true, but now I've finally set up another place where I hope to pick things up. To my few subscribers, I'm sorry for being so quiet for so long, I really hope to change that.

Anyhow, here's where you can find me from now on. Please subscribe to my feeds if you wanna stay updated with my weird thoughts ;)

Oops. Of course, I mean... you can find me here

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Thursday, October 23, 2008


This is the anniversary of my 108th posting on this blog. As a special anniversary (more so than post 100 which I really didn't pay attention to), this post will make little to no sense, but as usual it should make you feel... something...

Sometimes I wonder how much I could *really* tell you.
#define you as generic you, the reader
I wish I could blurt out all of my thoughts into one posting.

I can't help wishing that I was an artist, doing all the things that artists do... (for which of course there is no stereotype *cough*)

I think I would like to do podcasts and videos here someday soon. But right now I'm struggling to find one single place to call my home(blog). I may just have to make it, like everything else in life...

But nothing's really perfect. It can be dangerously close to perfect even without any help, though.

After a little more writing and thinking (more of the latter), I find that what I wrote last time, in terms of goals, deserves a little rewriting. So my second goal becomes my first. It's really tough to find the perfect order even for only four goals!!! Damn it!

... anyway, I have my heart set on people now. School was almost never really hard (except for one year of my life - frosh in high school), and was rarely involving enough to make me feel that people are worth less (than learning). I think and feel that everyone else teaches me much more than I would learn by myself or through school. If you believe in yourself, and know who you are well enough, surrounding yourself with people could be one of the best decisions of your life. It was for me, and I plan to do it again.

... maybe I just got sick of loneliness.

I may have not blogged much for the past two years, but... Oh, I was just about to say that things have not changed that much, that I haven't really changed. But, truthfully, we all change more than it seems - it's just that we tend to notice the things that don't change, but we want to change, and also notice things that change, but we don't want to change. If the former dominates the latter, there we go: it feels that we haven't changed much.

And I find myself that way right now.
What had I hoped to achieve?
... I had hoped to make this place be my home. With the friends that I want, a very special girl, and a passion for learning. Well, I'm halfway there!
... I had hoped to be more of me in every way, and in a sense, I am. Now, more than before, because I understand that being more means, among other things, accepting more. Santa Cruz really teaches one to accept things :)

What do I want now?
I want to make someone really happy. Maybe because I want to show myself that I can do more than I think I'm capable of doing.
I want to show someone how lucky I feel.
I want to take charge of my life.
I want to feel motivated.
To appreciate what I have a little more, and to do that, all I need is to put more heart into it.
After all, there's no limit to how much you can give.

And life is full of wonderful surprises.

Here's a thought. Do something unusual everyday!

And I want my 108th post to be the first of a series that will start a wonderful new adventure of my life!

I think it's very sad that people compromise so much to have some kind of happiness. It's not *the* happiness. I'd still rather just live a horribly unstable life than settle for people that I can't be myself around fully. But not everyone has to be that way. In fact, I may be the one worse off, you know, with the going nuts from such a hectic life and all.

But it's got its perks. Living on the edge (of either yourself, the world, or both) is extremely rewarding. It's romantic, for one. Exciting. Unusual. Surprising. No room for disengagement. Scary.

Why don't I just challenge myself to find that life that I want directly?
I think it's most likely because I enjoy the search. 99% of happiness is seeking it - that's the answer.

And I love. And I am loved. Everyday, more and more.

I love the world. And some itsy bitsy part of it loves me back. But as tiny as that is, it's bigger than me in every. single. way.

Hug you, world! And let's toast for my 108! To a new life!

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Tuesday, October 07, 2008

There may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness

Most of the time we grope about quite blindly, driven by we know not what needs and in search of we know not what satisfactions.
- F&u

Hey there. Long time no see.
I'll save the "I plan/ed to do this or that" bits. I don't re-read my posts often enough to catch my own plans again. No more plans, not for a long time now. Just a clearer and clearer path.
So what has my life been like?
A series of fortunate and unfortunate events mixed together in a healthy blend -- and I say this because I believe it is (sort of) in the psyche's best interest to be continuously challenged and unsettled. As human beings, we deserve to rest - we do - but only 1% of the time, really! 99% life = fighting.
And so you can see why all of our time is so precious. We must fight all the time to get to where we want to be. So, here is a series of ideas that (hopefully) summarize what I've been up to for the past, oh, 6 or more months...

After years of living in this world we (sometimes) call our own, we come to know things, and - more importantly - think of them as certainties. But these certainties are almost never enough to offer guidance to our (confused) lives, to set forth a fixed path that we know 100% is the path we want to be on. And who are those lucky few that know their path? They are people with faith: religious, scientific, or any other kind that is spiritual and gives oneself a good reason to stay on it. Most of which, I believe, are lying to themselves. However, I also believe that some are on the right path, and are lucky enough to do great things through their beliefs.

And the thing is, as we grow up, we start realizing that there is no way, NO WAY we could do all of those things that we wish to do. We have to give some up, and confine ourselves onto this one path that (hopefully) leads somewhere. And that "somewhere", we think, would be more rewarding, in the end, than trying to fit everything in:
If a man could articulate his grievances about life so defined, he would perhaps complain first about the extensive deprivations to which he is subjected and secondly about the unsatisfactory nature of much of the experience permitted him. The distinction is not a perfect one: the two complaints sometimes tend to merge. Nevertheless, there can be no doubt that, quite apart from any specific dissatisfactions we may have about what befalls us, we are sometimes oppressed by the feeling that life is more limited and impoverished than it should be.
- F&u

So will I give up many goals, in order to achieve at least a few. But in the end, "Psychoanalysis teaches us that no infantile desires are ever entirely relinquished." (F&u)

What are my priorities now?
1. Never give up.
2. Hold as few certainties as possible, always expect the opposite (or another option) may be (also) true.
3. Constantly re-evaluate my standing and goals. Hold the same small bunch (1-5) at the top (I wish...)
4. Bring a contribution to this world that is meaningful to me, and that I feel measures up to my abilities.

My goals?
1. Develop my career.
2. Meet great people, meet (new) people, make connections. Love.
3. Travel.
4. Experience (the) unforgettable.
Alright. Sounds like a plan!

What's been happening with me?
I moved away from one university to another, and in doing so realized a great deal of things. I love to travel. I like moving around, starting over, meeting new people. I also like learning, adapting. Fitting in, yet standing out.
I lived a summer with an internship - *the* full-time job that I have never had before - and understand what it is like to work your ass off, to be involved and enjoying what you do, to meet great people. I realized what defines my kind of work.
I had friends from Romania close by, and made other close friends here -- and they have helped shape this past half of a year more than anything. I understand now more about myself than I ever did during my years in the US. I was a pretty well-balanced person before I came here, but now I feel stronger and more convinced than ever. I know not the entirety of who I am, but enough to proceed on the next step with more confidence, more hope, belief, and love than I had thought possible 2 years ago.

And you know what? I'm fighting for freedom. My freedom, and others' freedom. I need it for my goals. Do they seem selfish? I for one think that without a career, I cannot offer much. I will not rest until I get to where I want to be (that is, metaphorically speaking, and not in terms of location).

And I had hoped to write a story as well today, but time is an issue, and as such the story will have to wait for another time.

Thanks for being here with me. I will end with another passage that has helped me recently:
The painful truth is that at each stage of our lives we are dissatisfied, unhappy and anxious a large part of the time. No matter how often we are reminded of this fact by philosophers and religious seers – or, more agonizingly, by events in our own lives – we only occasionally and momentarily accept its validity. We cannot, of course, deny that pain, dissatisfaction and disillusionment are inevitable aspects of human experience, but we can and do seek to minimize their significance. For example, we may attempt to treat painful aspects of experience as exceptional or even accidental. No matter what we have gone through, we tell ourselves with a stubbornness which has something magnificent about it that the next phase of our lives will fulfill more of our longings and give us less cause to feel wretched. Only exceptional men, or the rest of us in moments of exceptional honesty, face the possibility that there may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness.
- F&u

Source for quotes:
F&u - Simon O. Lesser - Fiction and the unconscious

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Smile :)

Better by far you should forget and smile than you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti


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Saturday, February 02, 2008


The trick is not how much pain you feel - but how much joy you feel. Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.
- Erica Jong
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.
- Joseph Rudyard Kipling, 1865 - 1936

I thought: hey, one could always use a reminder. Enjoy your life, it's the only one you have. Besides, if you can read this, you're probably better off than most of the world. You might think that what you have is no big deal, but try to imagine getting all of this when you have nothing... not a thing. And look for reasons not to worry, before you decide to do so - not the other way.

Feel the joy! Jump around! Be happy, be in the world. No excuses.

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