it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away

Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?

Because it's been so long.

Since what?

Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...

Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...

What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.

Too many reasons to even say.


Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...

And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.

He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.

I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.

He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?

Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?

Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?

Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...