One of those moods

Wednesday
I'm at school. I'm just in one of those moods after the philosophy course. As I was listening to the teacher lecturing us on Francisco Romero's philosophy...

He also got into Kierkegaard, Derrida, Descartes, Husserl, Hegel, etc.
Kierkegaard said "Subjectivity is untruth".
Quote
Subjectivity, inwardness, is the truth. Is there a still more inward expression for this? Yes, there is. If subjectivity is seen as the truth, we may posit the opposite principle: that subjectivity is untruth, error. Socratically speaking, subjectivity is untruth if it fails to understand that subjectivity is truth and desires to understand itself objectively. But now we are presupposing that subjectivity in becoming the truth has a difficulty to overcome in as much as it is in untruth. So we must work backwards, back to inwardness. Socratically, the way back to the truth takes place through recollection, supposing that we have memories of that truth deep within us.
EndQuote
- from here

In the analysis of truth, Romero discusses the psychism: intentional and pre-intentional. This got me thinking about the implications of philosophy itself, for some reason, and I questioned myself: "Why do I enjoy every course so much?" What I found is that philosophy offers a perspective to interpret everything around it. Like a series of schemes, each designed to interpret and justify that interpretation of reality. Obviously, the way we conceive the world is crucial in our attitude towards is. Such as I have sort of decided to take as many philosophy courses as I can afford, and read as much of it as I can. Hopefully I'll stand by this decision and I'll make it a rule to read philosophy whenever I've got time.

Though I already found my way, I'm at a point in my life when everything is confusing due to the horrendous number of meanings I can find. Now that I know my way, I am open to any thinking, I'm looking for the surroundings of my path, so to speak, looking for what I'm supposed to be looking for in my journey. I want to recognize what I'm interested in, and for this, philosophy is the best means. Realizing this, I'm slowly shifting some of my attention from the scientific evolution perspective to the philosophical perspective, a.k.a. our humble existence on Earth.

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Thursday
Okay, now I'm home. And I could write forever. I've managed to let out what I've forcefully held in for so long it was almost bursting out of me. And I feel so much better. Yet I still need to write, more and more. When will it end?

Yesterday I read in philosophy how after an object exists for a certain period of time, and people observe it, attribute meaning to it, make it part of their culture - then the object gains an existence in itself. That's another way to express the power of creation in human beings - amazing!

It's so wonderful to learn how to feel again after a time when you were numb. The best things in my life always happened after a very depressing, boring, or monotonous period of time. Maybe best in contrast would be the right way to call it, though I'm pretty sure that fate made it such that those great times were also very great in themselves...
I've got so many thoughts and in such a random order. Yep, that's me. Always confusing my reader without the intention to do so. Let me see...

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It's funny how it takes so much work to close your heart, and a single second can open it up again.
The life within our soul is much more than life. We, as human beings, are capable of things that we can barely understand...

And maybe some of you dislike or misjudge this difference I point out between mind and soul. Maybe you think of the human being as just mind. Or mind and heart (well, where the soul is, although not exactly). Or mind, soul/heart, and spirit. Or just spirit. Whichever way, think of the soul as the part of you that feels and travels through those feelings. The spirit is somehow more general and rather not contained within ourselves, usually regarded as a guardian or a presence above our heads maybe. The mind is the easiest of all, right?

...So, I was saying, our soul is capable of much more than our mind thinks. The secret is (listen to this one) to not take yourself seriously. Every time you make a big fuss about the sudden feeling you've had, you're probably going to fail to understand it. Why is that?
It's interesting to notice that over involvement, tumultuous activity inside of yourself makes you feel so much alive (in the sense that time passes so much slower), but it also makes you see less of the actual soul you possess. Most of the times when you try to think about what you're feeling, you're practically looking for signs and question your heart about what it's doing. Blah blah blah, why are you feeling like this and that?

Want to know a secret? That's not the way to do it! Whenever you would like to understand yourself and your feelings better, open your heart to the "what if" and just put your mind aside, observe what your heart does, what it feels. Follow it.
Of course that may sound absurd. I mean, where's myself if I follow my heart? Is the heart its own entity? No. Of course not. The heart is the nucleus of our deepest feelings and our intricate design always ends with it. It's the center of our inner life and as long as you listen to it - the heart, a part of yourself which you cannot completely control (even though you'd so much like to, sometimes) - you will not just be happy, you will know thyself, what you represent, which way is your wind blowing and what to expect. Since, with evolution, human beings have gotten so complex, it is predictable to see that now so few people understand their hearts and get to think "hey, screw the heart, I can do so much more with my mind." No, you can't. You can control the heart more than the mind, yes. But that only means that others can do so in your place too. What do you make of that? If you like to be in control, you have to learn how to communicate with yourself. Because, just as you can't force someone else to feel, think or do something, you can't force yourself, or at least not without losing what you once had. Being in control is a good thing only if you don't cross some certain boundaries. If you're trying to control everything, even if it's just about yourself, you're not doing very well.
Let's put it this way. Can you recreate yourself? No! God can. God gave you these complex heart and mind to deal with, so unless you're God, you better get used to the idea that you're not almighty. No, only God is omnipotent. Hence, stop trying to have everything under control, you will almost certainly fail, every time. Knowing yourself is not an act of being bossy, of challenging yourself and following your own orders. You have to agree with yourself, to love yourself, to be patient with yourself and care about your own existence. It's also all part of what the society nowadays tends towards - freedom of the individual. If other times it was more important for groups to be free, now the focus lies on the individual: same-sex marriages, more rights for every citizen, equality, freedom of opinion, acceptance, and the list can go on (I just don't read the news:D)...
Care for yourself.

I just recently found out that the one girl in this world right for me will be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard to find. And to get. And to keep. And the reason I believe all that is because she has to have a couple of things that 99.9999999 of the people in this world don't have. She has to be capable of love, and understand how much that means and how much a part of oneself it becomes once present. She has to be able to live without me. She has to believe in me, at least half of how much I believe in her. She has to believe in love. And in people. She has to love people. And the world. I'm not even gonna start with the smart, cute, and adorable kinda things.
And then, I'd really really want her to have long hair. Love walks in the park, rain, snow, sunsets and sunrises; she should know how to be a kid but be able to act as an adult, and capable of doing the right things when the situation calls for it. She should be selfish enough not to let me go without a last kiss, and selfless enough to tell me everything she feels even if it hurts me like hell. She is everything. Have I already met her? I don't know. How do you know when you've met the girl of your life? You don't. You just feel it... I guess that relates to what I wrote above... I feel it now and I hope that she will stay.

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Friday
I'm just in one of those moods when I don't know what the next word I type will be. It just comes straight out. Here. And here. And here. Wow. That's fast. That's me... thinking... How fast could I be thinking? Sometimes when I wrote something I was so inspired that I knew, ahead with a few paragraphs, what I was going to write. I was so desperately concentrated on what I was writing because I didn't want to forget that last paragraph. It was the key scene. The thing of the things. Here, now, I have no plan. I'm just hoping this goes somewhere.

The way I figure it, someday, somehow, I will re-read my writings and - cling! - I'll have THE IDEA. The idea of a best-seller. THE BOOK I've always wanted to write but never before did. Gosh, I pray I'm right. Speaking of praying, I believe in God more and more lately. Could God be an entity that life teaches you exists, and those who don't believe in Him just ignore the signs? It's a definite possibility. Signs. I believe in signs too. They're not coincidences. It's all part of the reason you have to be patient with yourself, spend time and care about your inner being. Yet I'm always open to your point of view. So tell me, don't be silent. Silence is not golden on my blog.

Did I forget who I am? I think not. It doesn't feel like I did. But why, then, do I have trouble remembering what I thought yesterday? Wait. I lost my trail of thoughts. I forgot. I was going to write about a lot of things and now it just feels like I've only one thing to talk about. L - O - V - E.

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What do you see when you see what I see? What do you see when I see what you see?

This picture makes me shiver. It's called "Don't be afraid little girl", and I'm the type who gives credit, so, I got it from here, by MessedUpMind.
That's what I thought about a lot lately. The fear. Of life. Of distances. Of obstacles. What's fear, anyway? Can we defeat it? Some famous quote says "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." (Mark Twain) Fear is what? Not understanding? Not believing in yourself? Not thinking ahead? Most of the times you are not wrong to believe in yourself. You are wrong to believe in things blindly. If you're blind about yourself, you might be wrong. But don't be. Stare at yourself in the mirrow. What do you see? Are you afraid, little girl? Or little boy. This picture has so much meaning, I don't even need to tell you anthing else. You can see for yourself, in yourself, can't you? (whadda ya know, the title of my blog)

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No matter how confused I am, I've still learned something today. A lot of things. Right now I'm just thinking about one. Concerning myself. I've found a new passion: I want to meet, know, and understand people. Another disturbing discovery, for what could I be? A shrink? A therapist? I feel not only I can help people and understand them, but I can relate to most of them as well. I can bond with someone in a few minutes. And, whatever you're thinking, no, it does not imply any lying, cheating, or pretending. I've just been through a lot. At least, for my age. And I think this, somehow, states the new future of youngsters. They will have to deal with more and more, grow up faster, live as kids for a longer period of time. I think this is already happening in the US, more than anywhere else perhaps. People here all seem very young, at heart, so un-challenged. It's like they haven't yet had to deal with the hardships that other people have had to fight through.
It's sad, if you ask me, all people having to grow up faster. And work. Assume responsibilities. More and more countries in the world are beginning to employ teens for easy jobs. And even hard ones. I don't think that is right... I think we're trying to accelerate the world towards something we don't even know yet, and submitting our young to such a risk is not only irresponsible, but foolish, stupid, and unfair. Why should they have to go through all that? Why should the adult individual have increasingly more free time and the youngsters have less and less? Think about it, what's the best time of your life? Your 50's? I doubt it. At least for most people. But, anyway, this is a very big issue... too much to talk about just on a simple blog post. The pressures on the teenager nowadays are huge. Read Christoph Dufosse's Sfarsitul Orelor (L’heure de la sortie, School’s out) to get a picture of it. A strange picture of it.

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I want to learn. I want to master three wholly different areas. I want to be... as close to THE TRUTH as I can be. Yet that is not what I desire. I believe in love. And as long as I can, I will fight for it. Sure, there might be times when I give up, times when I can't handle THE TRUTH as a whole, when I only choose one side, like most of us humans do, and live with it, for a while. But, see, I think it's best to realize as much of anything as you can. To be able to accept someone else's interpretation. To really put your heart into it, and try to see it not only through the other's eyes, but through his mind and heart as well. To believe in the other like he was yourself. That's how Kant said we should treat others anyway, isn't it? As "ends in themselves, not as means to an end." How many times do you hear the phrase "Oh, if only someone could see it like I see it", "if only someone could see it through my eyes." It=life, love, the ocean, the sunset, the world, the passion, the excitement, the smell or taste even. How many times have you wished someone could live inside of you for a while and see everything through your eyes?
To me, really knowing and understanding something means knowing as many sides of its truth as possible. Yes. And then living it. And, pratically, you can never know every side => You can never know the truth. Which reminds me of a quote:
"1. Never tell everything at once." (Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life).
You can never know everything. The truth. But you can feel it. That's how we're made, I think, to understand life better by living it, feeling it, being every moment. But that's not carpe diem. It's all part of being crazy responsibly. Doing what you do and not forgetting yourself along the way. And your responsibilities. And your beliefs. Your top three. Mine? Love, hope, faith (these three words have changed my life).

I am alive. And I am so glad to be alive that I can't actually describe it. What have I done today? Facts, there are so few I can barely count them. (Which reminds me, funny. Do you think that counting up to three is done so rarely that you'd actually have to think a bit to remember how to do it? I can't remember the last time I counted.) But what I realized is an entirely different thing. I am so glad to be in my shoes right now. I love the Universe. And how it works. And how lucky I am. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to have stories to tell, and now I think I do. I have the story of my life, which is very beautiful to me, and that is enough. I thank God for this day. I thank God for this story. And I thank you for being a part of it. This is so exciting! Oh wow!

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I've thought about doing some pretty wacky things. And now's the perfect time to think and talk about them again. I wanna try bungee jumping. I wanna try sky diving. Scuba diving too, maybe. I wanna jump using a parachute. Drive at 200 miles per hour. Make love on an airplane. Visit an ice-water hotel (that is, a hotel made of ice). Ski. Pop a really big balloon. See a shark live. Spend a night on the bottom of Grand Canyon. Shoot with a bow and arrow. Be hypnotized. Kiss upside down. French. Jump from the second floor (or as high as possible without hurting myself). Eat on someone else's body, heh. Tear clothes. Sleep in a cave. Watch the rain lying down, on the ground. See an avalanche. Hug a tree - this one I did, but I'd do it again. Build a really big snowman. There's also a couple of weird things I'd like to try. And also some things with meeting people. I love to see people's reactions to what I do, and I mean that not in a "hey lemme test this bomb on this guy" way, but in a "i feel like being this way now" way. Get it? There's so much I can barely stop. I wanna try myself. Challenge myself. Prove myself that I can do so much. And that's not just for me. Right now, it's not just for me. But I want to be my own entity, even if I feel I depend on someone else. We all do, I think. Being happy is not a consequence of self-sufficiency. And, anyway, most people are not sufficient to themselves. If they were, they wouldn't need anything or anyone else in the world. Wow, not even things! Who can be that self-absorbed?

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I wish I could write a poem now. But I think I will go dream, instead. Dream of a beautiful world. And remember who I am. And why I'm here. And what I can do. I wanna be alive, so much alive! And I'll keep discovering who I am through philosophy. And life, and dreams. It's all too much now, but time will take care of me. It sure will...

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Wanna read some Romanian language posts about time? See this.