[Old story] Chapter one - the beginning of feelings, sorting out

/* Some parts are in Romanian */
I stand here in front of the screen and try to imagine a world, my world, an own creation that is somewhat connected to my personality... Let's see what comes out.
Well... I often ask myself: "What is love to me?", ain't it just something I came up with because i didn't have anything better to do? Crossed my mind, but, still, if it was that, then I'd get bored of it after a while, or, I'd do it myself, falling in love that is... But that didn't happen... I remember when it did 'though... First kind of "true love" i had...
I just hanged around her... spending time and talking stuff, having fun from time to time and always not getting bored. I remember I always looked into her eyes, for long periods of time... I wonder what she thought of that, never asked her though. I try to figure out how do I love? What makes love special to me, and so overcrossing other feelings, so important that it comes over all I had before and leaves it in there, in a small corner, almost like all that matters is love.
Just these days eram la "Camil Petrescu - Ultima noapte de dragoste, intaia noapte de razboi". Hm.. this guy... S.G. his name, thinks that male is superior. Iubirea e un proces de autosugestie, si daca pentru el nu conteaza decat ea, atunci si pentru ea nu trebuie sa conteze decat el. Romantic desavarsit... si.. trebuie ca totul sa fie perfect, incet incet, pe masura ce el se indragosteste de ea tot mai mult, o face perfecta, inventeaza motive, se autoconvinge despre caracterul si personalitatea ei... Eh.. not me, definetly... What is my love like? Well.. i don't really know for sure... I'm gonna try to tell at first what it ain't like.. maybe it will all clear up and i'll see it. First of all, nu inventez motive, nu-mi spun ca, daca eu o iubesc, atunci ea clar ma iubeste... si, asta nu faceam nici in trecut. Stiu prea bine ca nu e perfecta, si, culmea, ma indragostesc mai mult de partile care sunt mai departe de perfectiune decat de cele care nu sunt... I remember my mom said.. "Alege-ti si tu una mai prostuta".. I know why, it's because the smart ones know what they want... have a general idea and are somewhat picky. But i don't choose them.. and... I guess if I wanted to fall in love with "una mai prostuta" m-as fi dus la alt liceu. My God it's strange. I can choose them, but when do I do that, I don't know. Like... last year... first kind of "true love", I chose her, intentionally almost. I can do that, and it grows, so fast, from the illusion to the real thing. It ain't natural, still, it's possible... makes me feel flexible after all. It's easy for me to choose a girl... The worst part is I can fall in love unintentionally... like now. That's what makes this different... Hey.. maybe all loves from now will be different, but in any case, this is different... maybe just coz I changed.. I do that continuously, and I try to tell people that the basis still remains there, all goes better or worse, but what was that summarized my caracter before will still be after.
I stand and wait.. I don't know what to do really... I'm afraid to blow this one too. And I know, that no matter what, oricine imi da sfaturi, ar putea fi gresite, fiindca, other people always tend to choose wrong, it is like I say, what I do is right and noone could have done it better. And it's true for everyone, bcoz noone knows what to do better than urself. So what do I do? I go see her... that's what... number one. Everytime after I do that I don't know how soon will I terribly miss her... There's something I gotta control though, not making it an obsession, like the last year one was. That must not happen because love will just go. I don't know if it can, but I guess it's always possible. I wish we all had time. I know that, soon enough, time will be the problem, if it ain't already. The worst that could happen is for her to fall in love with someone else, the big thingie I am afraid of. All feelings change in time, and thoughts... I dunno... Let me say what I like about her.
I remember I wondered, in the beggining.. what's with her giving so much importance to the eyes. Now I know what that means.. Never seen eyes like hers out there...I could cry, cry a lot to see them... They just make me forget about all that's bad in this world and dream.. For crying out loud! I'm sometimes dreaming during classes... I'm happy... and, it feels good.. it's not that big weight over my heart after a while of not seeing her, good! I disliked that, I wuz trying to make her an obsession.. Oh she's great... I dunno if she knew what she did... what she changed in me, but everytime i think of my love, I know that all that I have now inside I owe her, even if it was deliberately or not. I don't feel different, I may act different. Now after i write here... it's better, makes me realise that I should be even happier, and glad to even have met her, and for her understanding me.
I dunno if girls are like some say, that they(girls) see what they had only after it/he/she goes away... Maybe... still... I have the will to be here and not go anywhere, to love her forever.. it all depends on how much pain I can take, and what she does.
OMG.. i know you, who read this, are disturbed, or disoriented, and that's natural... I don't know when to do what I want to do, and i don't really know what to do because I have to do one thing first and then the next things depend on that one thing... bla bla... And when, that's more wicked, coz time inside me works different... I don't know! Gotta talk to her... I don't wanna take over her life though.. I'm not asking for that kind of love where all else in the world doesn't matter.. I dunno.. I really don't have many restrictions when it comes to loving.. it's all free.. goes whatever way it goes, and if i can redirect it from time to time then it's a good feeling.
Should I change? Don't know that... that's why I am changing only the small parts, and all of them together may change me, but each at a time, no.
Poate ca am scris iar degeaba.. da' are efect.. ma calmeaza... O sa incerc sa lucrez... sa fac din mine ceva mai profesional :).. Gosh e greu cand sunt atat de sentimental... as putea sa PLANG DE FERICIRE. I shed a tear right now... I can't believe how full I am inside.. My mind works aiurea! Completely... Imaginati-va ca tot ce-am scris aici a fost in cateva minute.. something like 25-30... si.. sunt multe idei.. intr-o ordine oarecare.. si poate doar pentru mine au o ordine... Stiu cum pot rezolva asta.. dar nu mi-am pus timp. In trecut imi planificam next day frumos.. sa vad ce am de facut... totu' era clar.. intotdeauna cand nu e legat de altii e clar. Acum sunt pentru toti... give this to that person.. ailalta lu' ala.. etc.. sunt zile cand aduc la scoala like.. for 10 ppl.. si nu e sarbatoare :)
Uite.. initial am scris asta ca sa fie un story.. asta e si titlul... si.. acu'... aj vrea sa citeasca lumea inainte sa termin... ma gandeam sa fac o lume.. ceva de genul lumea mea, un roman poate, in care sa descriu..
How does love feel? Well... really... dak m-as gandi atat de mult knd vad persoana.. as fii super emotionat si n-as mai fi bun de nik... asa.. act natural.. don't plan anything.. let her do it, because she is the one who may love me or not, I already love her. Dak as plagia si as zice ca am si fluturi in stomac cateodata, like Harry Potter?... well.. da.. am si asta. Am de toate... i change very often... And still, I care for the people around me much, very much... even more than before.. Rearranging priorities, that's why my mind is so confused.. It's like the whole universe puddled up inside me and it won't come out until i deal with it!
Hey.. the way unusual part is that i actually tried to fall in love with someone else... I said: "Well, let me see if I can, maybe I can and all the moments when I'm overwhelmed by my love will go away" I go to bed mushy, and I wake up mushy :). Whadda ya know? I tried... I really like her right now, and I smile when I see her, but I don't need her, I don't really care much, I don't love her... and most of all, I don't miss her.
Not to mention that before loving that before this huge I was in love with someone else, some people will just say that I did it to myself, no? Well... don't think that, please, because, i didn't choose to love this one, and now that I do, I don't regret it, i want to keep it, coz how it happened, and when it happened.. and.. all else.. makes it feel special, and worth loving her for what she is. Good thing I don't do the "making her perfect" part. That way she won't really dissapoint me... Eah.. well.. this is enough... I'll go on with it next time, whenever that is.. 'till then some of you out there can read it, and ask me questions, or tell ur opinions. There are people like me out there... and there is something in all of us that made me this way, not that u'd want to be like me...
I dunno how smart I am, but, really, I don't work that much for lil stuff. The next thing I should work on is my memory... I gotta practice remembering things ppl... you out there may know that I easily forget because it hardly has room inside :)
As a final part.. u ppl.. I beg you, do not run into jugding, coz my mind is used up and some things may come out wrong.. I don't like when ppl start jumping on me because of what I say. That's because it was part of a bigger sentence.. a bigger meaning.. a possible different thing than what it means at first. Do u understand?
...TO BE CONTINUED