Some other times

How strange that only when you grow past a certain age you are capable of deluding yourself ... from your own self, for, perhaps, any amount of time.

---
NOTE:
Before I start... storytelling, I have an announcement:
Because of, let's say, previous experiences, I would like to point out that, out of all my writings, only some match my beliefs, while others contain one or more of the following (or others not yet mentioned :D):
- random ideas that someone might think of - either someone in general or I hear them somewhere (and/or I picked up on from others, or from the daily life)
- thoughts against myself (which I do because I find it clears the mind marvelously; plus, it gets rid of some nasty prejudices, try it!)
- moody swings (I'm not a girl, but hey! guys still get moody!)
- what if's of my own but not that I necessarily believe

In summary, this is a "don't judge what you read as my own beliefs" kind of message. I do value someone's beliefs, and on a great account I feel closer to those people that believe in the same things I do (don't we all?) but because beliefs are beliefs and nothing more, it would be unfair to dismiss someone simply because of what they believe...

Have you ever tried to argue against what's most dear to you? You must know how hard it is, then. If you try to start an argument on something that you're sensitive to, try not being one sided about it! *sigh*

Alright, this was perhaps because I'm setting the grounds for a big controversial thingy. Now, back to the story...
---

Getting busy with work.
Or school.
Hanging out with friends.
Listening to music, yelling it out loud.
Driving fast.
Writing about it. Not once, not twice.
Hope, hidden deep down - so well hidden that you don't even realize it's the first feeling you have in the morning; that along with the bittersweet taste of reality - that things will happen, someway or another, to make your dream come true.

You can't if you're a kid. How could a child lie to oneself? No, he couldn't!
It's like a sad story, that of growing up. You're born with this tiny mind and a huge huge heart. You learn so much, feel so much, everything that happens around you fires up your heart at first. You almost "love" or "hate" everything. But then you get older, and you stop feeling strongly about things. You realize that Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Or that your little pet didn't really go to Honolulu for the past 6 months. You come to know there are other people in this world, you become aware of them.
And so much else.
Gradually, slowly, you distance your mind from your heart. If you suffer, you pull away - IF you can. Then, even if you involve yourself again, you know you can pull back. And that's how it starts. When you're happy, you go for it! Again, and again... ah, and happiness makes everything most subjective.

We instinctively know when we're happy with our lives. Isn't it funny how you are so self-focused when you're happy? I don't mean to say self-centered. Or selfish. Happiness does not necessarily mean you're selfish. I think that depends on your attitude and beliefs, spiritual strength, will... stuff like that. Perhaps, to be more clear, I should make sense of the happiness I'm talking about: the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach (does it have to be love? I don't know), excites you from head to toe and almost forces you to get out of bed full of LIFE! Damn it! YES!
Hah! High five!

So, being self-focused is good. It's knowing you love your place in the world, yeah!
[...]
We might have happy moments, but we're not happy all the time. We might have an overall happy life, though, isn't that great?

The TV's turned on, right beside me. I skipped through the list of channels and saw "The Notebook" title right on there. I wanted to see it again.
I knew it'd take me back in time, back to memories. I knew I'd tend to advocate one thing or another after/while watching it. I went back and forth only to realize that having something to go back and forth for gives me strength. Having to face myself and enjoying it is something I have been long missing.

I'm happy. I'm happy! :)
It's evanescent, probably, but I feel happy.
Feels like that quote:
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz

I saw "The Shape of Things" yesterday. It's now one of my top movies ever! I'd strongly recommend it to anyone... The movie forces so many questions out of oneself that I can't even begin to say why one should see it! Seduction, truth, art, change, superficiality, what love is... what's real versus what is not.

Scraps of a bigger picture...

"Do I really have to make sense?"
"Meh. Only if you want to..."
"Good. Cause I don't want to right now."
*nods*
Really complex. I know.

I love playing the piano! Just can't wait for that holiday time so I could do it all I want... Fur Elise, sing it with me! (Was he really deaf?)

Oh, speaking of selfishness, I thought of altruism and generosity, about how much one tends to postpone it for later (aka typically when one can do it wholeheartedly and meaningfully), and how one ends up not doing it at all...

I'm going to go dream now :)
It's almost one.
Thinking of you... dear to me... here's a special felt thought reaching out to you!

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)

Thoughts, thoughts, random thoughts

If I had more time, space... ahhh! Actually, I've got just fragments that might one day develop into full ideas...

I wonder whether we should believe that everything we get in life is one-time only, I wonder if we should keep holding on desperately, to everything we've got... I wonder. Doesn't it make more sense to take everything as it comes? To accept every single day annd thing that happens. Just, because... You can't change the past (yet). The first thing you have to do with it, then, is accept that it happened. It's irreversible, as far as your humble human powers are concerned. There's nothing you can do about it, except write "history" as if it never happened. But it has happened. And that's it.
What remains, then, is your decision. What are you gonna do about it?
So, you had a car accident and the other guy's suing you. So what? Huh? Do something. Be smart about it. You know, feel life as you feel it, but, with that thought in mind - that everything from the past stays there.
Since you can only do something once and there's no Ctrl+Z, you better do it well.

But I'm trying to reach farther than that.
I'm trying to say that even if you lose the dearest people in your life. Even if you've got nothing more to lose, you still should not fight as if your life depended on it. What does your life really depend on? Not much. Actually, very little. Like a dear friend told me once, Gandhi didn't need much to live (and even do it happily). I'm not gonna get into all that how-wasteful-we-are kinda thing. We waste everyday: time, plastic, paper, electricity, water, money. What else? Plenty!

Anyway, back to the point. I shouldn't say "whatever happens", I should say "habitually, most of what happens we take too seriously." Yeah! Lighten up, kid! You've got the whole world in your hands. You're not almighty, but you're not useless either. You're important - not as important, not more or less important than others.

I was just thinking about this because I felt I was struggling to do so many things I wanted to. Yet, I did. But I didn't take time off. You know, to feel better, to enjoy... Or, I did, but I even took that as precious time. And then I came around: Why am I being so stressed out? Because? Nothing. Really.

---

"You've got closure."
Gee. Umm. I don't know. Maybe I do. Actually, the worst break up of my life (and probably, hopefully, anyone's) was the first. But it wasn't that bad. I just really felt like I was alone. The shock, I guess, after spending so many days with someone, for the first time, and that throwing yourself all into it...
And yes, that still happens with future relationships! No, it's not less honest or more cautious in the future! It's however you want it to be. Just more experienced. Actually, experience in a huge number of areas is really helpful :)
Knowledge is power.
And the brain to help deal with it is also essential.
So, I think that if you really look at yourself, you're not that bad at it. At anything.
And yes, this connects to that thingy upstairs. The previous idea. Half-idea...


---

Random...

---

Blah blah...

---

Okay, focus :)
*nods*
I went to a wonderful dance show tonight.
(nothing to do with it, but the song "I'm walking on sunshine" is playing right now. No, not in my head...)
It was great. Really. I enjoyed it so much that it made me write all this friggin stuff. Yup. And the music was great, too. I feel refreshed. And like writing. And just for that, I'm gonna skip a couple of days of school, probably. Or just go to some of the classes. My favorite ones, of course :)

---

It's wonderful how people get involved into what they do so much. I have this really great friend that always took everything as lightly as possible. To him, life's as serious as it can be, except that nothing disturbs him too much. Of course, there's some routine in there, since he's so calm and balanced all the time, but, for the most part, it's amazing how he handles everything with so much ease. And laughter. Last time his girlfriend was really pissed at someone he laughed and kept teasing her. I kind of expected her to burst into tears, but she was so stubborn and frustrated by his attitude that she started chasing him... heh.
The day that his dog died, he just said it, with seriousness. And that was it. Not that it didn't matter, don't get me wrong. It's just that, well, it happened, and... the dog's not here anymore, and it's regrettable... But, yeah, there's also all the rest of life. I think that's, to some extent, part of being an adult, mature. Handling things. Taking it all in, yet not so as it kills you (cause then it won't do much good, except to the FBI or CIA if you're wanted dead or alive, maybe).

But I'm digressing...

Again :)

Alright, I'll be back to write some more, someday.
>hug<

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)

Driving... home

I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.

I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.

The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...

Ah, childhood memories...

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)

Badiou on the Immortal singularity of man

Badiou speaks about why man is more than just an animal...

An immortal: this is what the worst situations that can be inflicted upon Man show him to be, in so far as he distinguishes himself within the varied and rapacious flux of life. In order to think any aspect of Man, we must begin from this principle. So, if 'rights of man' exist, they are surely not rights of life against death, or rights of survival against misery. They are the rights of the Immortal, affirmed in their own right, or the rights of the Infinite, exercised over the contingency of suffering and death. The fact that in the end we all die, that only dust remains, in no way alters Man's identity as immortal at the instant in which he affirms himself as someone who runs counter to the temptation of wanting-to-be-an-animal to which circumstances may expose him. And we know that every human being is capable of being this immortal - unpredictably, be it in circumstances great or small, for truths important or secondary. In each case, subjectivation is immortal, and makes Man. Beyond this there is only a biological species, a 'biped without feathers', whose charms are not obvious.

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)

amintiri paralele

--ea-- (12:35:27 PM): ce frumoasa si ce blanda ar fi viata daca am avea doar amintiri placute....
--ea-- (12:35:53 PM): amintiri care sa ne readuca zambetul pe fata cand suntem tristi...

--ea-- (12:35:58 PM): :)
--el-- (12:36:14 PM): ar fi un vis frumos dupa altul...
--el-- (12:36:15 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:36:26 PM): da....
--ea-- (12:36:35 PM): pacat ca intervine si realitatea...
--el-- (12:36:58 PM): poate n-ar mai fi asa de frumos visul daca ar fi numai el
--el-- (12:37:07 PM): poate ca dualitatea face ca totul sa aiba rost
--ea-- (12:37:12 PM): eu stiu...
--el-- (12:37:18 PM): :-< desi chestia cu sensul ma cam enerveaza
--ea-- (12:37:22 PM): eu tot ma gandesc ca insasi viata e un vis...
--ea-- (12:37:41 PM): sau cosmar, mai bne spus....
--ea-- (12:37:45 PM): pt unii...
--ea-- (12:37:46 PM): :D
--el-- (12:37:49 PM): :D
--el-- (12:38:06 PM): un vis intrerupt de noptile in care-l parasesti pentru realitati...
--ea-- (12:38:20 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:38:29 PM): realitati pralele cu aceasta
--ea-- (12:38:30 PM): :P
--el-- (12:38:45 PM): :)
--el-- (12:38:52 PM): poate sunt
--ea-- (12:39:05 PM): hmm....
--ea-- (12:39:10 PM): greu de crezut....
--ea-- (12:39:32 PM): eu nici in realitatea cotidiana nu prea cred...
--el-- (12:39:33 PM): pana la urma realitatea pare aia de care nu poti sa scapi pana mori
--el-- (12:39:34 PM): :D
--ea-- (12:39:40 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:39:51 PM): posibil....
--el-- (12:40:17 PM): :)
--el-- (12:40:18 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:40:30 PM): ;)

Sink into it! (expand)

Back to surface! (collapse)