I'd rather be

I'd rather be a has been
then a might have been by far,
for a might have been
has never been,
but a has been
was once an Are.

I'd rather be a could be
if I couldn't be an Are,
for a could be is a maybe
with a chance of reaching far.

(unknown author)

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meet ... uhm ... someone

I just saw "Meet Joe Black". My head's full of ideas. It hurts. I can't get them all out but I'll go with the flow.

What's it like to live knowing when you'll die?
Would you perhaps go to that girl and tell her, with your voice trembling: "Hey, I was waiting for you. I have to tell you something before I chicken out and never say it: I think... you're... I think you're the most... you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen"
"Why thank you", she would say, and then maybe, just maybe, you won't run out on her because you're too emotional to say something else.

Or you might go to that girl and say "Can I see you again?"
And then she'd say something like "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", with a not-so-happy face, just so you won't take it as worst as possible...

Wish I could set my mind free. Wish I could sleep without the continuous racking in my head, the random pieces of thoughts and feelings that just don't let me be one... whole...
I am me. I behave like me. I'm wishing, dreaming, feeling, living... just not entirely where I am, yet. Some parts of me are... scattered.

And that's why you're here.
You'll help me come back together. You'll say things to me that nobody else would say. And I'll tell you anything, cause you're not like anyone else.

There are times in life when you have to stop and deal with yourself. Leave everyone else alone, not burden them with yourself and finally go, do it, be you, on your own, take life by the hand and walk beside it.
"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry"

It's easy. Leave things to rest for a while. And remember what you were thinking: if you hadn't had it, you wouldn't be so sad to have lost it. And don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And nothing's ever over. And love is something you must never lose your faith in. And hope dies last, it's what gets you out of bed each morning. And courage is the mastery of fear. And you want to leave this Earth with no regrets. And... it's a wonderful world! Carpe diem! Don't worry, be happy!

Don't overburden yourself! Take it easy. Clear your head. Write here... write here, take a break. Write all you wish to write, to whomever you wish to write, here, if you can. Take a break.

I'm not discouraged, I just hate feeling behind on feeling. That sounds circular, but what it means is that I'd rather feel okay with everything, and I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure how to be, except by letting it all flow. And this is how it flows...

Welcome, to a new post. First? Last? Probably not.
Welcome, to a new step forward, hopeful, more loving, more honest, and... happier.

I'll be back.

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this time i turn to you

I haven't been here in a long time. Very long time.
I have friends.
I am in love.
I have parents. Relatives.
People I could talk to. Relate to. Feel close to. That could help me with my problems, or at least make me feel better. But right now I don't want any of that.
Do I want to be like a rock or what? I dunno, but this time, the reason I feel like talking to you is... cause you only have to listen. Don't say anything. It's a diary.
Now I turn to you.

Hi.
I'm Paul.
I've been thinking too much about too many. Or too little. Forgot who I am? Not exactly, though I don't feel perfectly at home either.
Yeah, I'm more self-sufficient now, that's the least I can tell. I've just read in a book that men tend to go solve other problems or do things to help'em forget their problems if they've in a difficult situation. And, for 6 months or so...

I've been feeling the urge to live through exciting stuff, taste extreme tastes, drive faster, take on challenges - in short, live more intensely than ever. Is this me, or is this just someone I'm trying to be to help me cope with all the changes I'm going through?
There's no help in this. I just know there isn't. I have to try it and see where it leads me. Cause nobody knows it better than me.
I've had a wonderful summer, though with a lot of mistakes.
And, as I write this, I keep thinking of the people that would read it. My friends. My love. People I love. What would they think, feel, say, ... ?
I've got so many ambitions for this following year. Can I make it? I feel disorganized. Like I should take some time off and figure out my priorities.

So, here I go.
Philosophy. Definitely.
Math. For sure.
CS. Of course.
English. Writing. Reading. Culture in general. Indispensable.
Love. Friends. Family. Girlfriend. Having faith in love. Essential.
Experimenting new things. Expect the unpredictable, in a way. It's part of me.
Doing something that matters. Something to put my heart in.

I'm changing. I already have changed. I've stopped relying on someone else so much. Actually, I didn't need someone else that much, but I wanted to. The truth is that I want someone to live my life with. Even at my age. I do. Really. And having someone, loving someone, being with someone and being happy is wonderful, for me. And it's a challenge, which I also like.
My friends give me a sense of self and my life partner gives me happiness. It's true - I could be happy with just living a lovely life with someone. But I am much more with all you guys. To be the most of me, I need a lot, but just to be me, I don't. Subtle difference, can you see it?
And I've got so much to do, so I hope that will keep me from being sad.
I love so many people. And I felt so troubled without them last year. My home is still not here, but, this time, I plan on making a home out of myself, grabbing on to life and making the most out of every opportunity. Putting heart in all of it. Calming down, in a way, releasing the stress. Yet also keeping that -live it to the max- feeling.

I'll be back to write more, soon. Perhaps I'll rearrange this blog a bit.

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Life in loneliness?

I've just been thinking that maybe something strange is happening to the world: everyone's getting lonelier. It might be just me, growing up, and I'm sure others like me had this same thought once, but with people moving, internet growing, long distance communication easier and cheaper everyday, people become more and more indifferent to their neighbors and active to others that are far away... and that's the story of long distance relationships and lonely beings with no friends. Why? Why not care about your neighbors?

Well, there are still some that hate the internet and every pen-friendish relationship, so they go for the natural hang-out-with-whoever's-around kinda thing. So that's encouraging. But for those who don't choose so, their reason is generally: because it's easier, more convenient, and if I move, I don't have to worry about leaving my friends behind. But is that really life?
What I've seen here in the US is that most people work, and have no friends. No real friends, anyway. They all have "friends" they party with, people they waste time around with, but there's really nobody they can buzz at 2 o'clock in the morning at the door and start crying cause their girlfriend or boyfriend was an ass. They don't go through life-threatening challenges and generally have no time to spare for a random person they just met. Everyone's working or going to school, or both! It's like we've forgotten what gives our life meaning...
It's OTHERS people, it's others! If you were the only person on this planet, there would be no sense to living! So why, then, choose to live off of some imaginary relationship with no hope of ever turning real? To satisfy your own social needs? How can you really help your friends if they have an accident, or God knows what else? Oh, gee, and to think that some actually tell me that's they way they want to lead their whole life...

Am I just being paranoid or is there something really happening?
Have your say in this, leave a comment.

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[Long story short] Five

J: Go away! Leave me alone.
M: I should have never left.
J: You had to leave!
M: No. I didn't have to. I thought it was for the best. For OUR best... I shouldn't have left.

J: We are strangers now...
M: No, we're not... it might seem so, cause it's been so long...
J: That's no different.
M: In feeling, it isn't. But...
There was a long silence.
M: ... I still love you. I love you so much. I love you even more than before, and we've survived! We really have...
J: I didn't. You should have left me months ago.
M: I got you into this. I didn't let you go. I did all the wrong things. Hate me, please, hate me.
J: I did. I don't anymore.
M: Do you even care?
J: No, I don't care. You can do whatever you want, I will never love you again, ever. Never ever, and she crossed her arms.
M: I will always love you...

And in a moment she went from stone cold to crying her heart out.
J: Just... hold... me...
And he did. And they looked at each other's rings...
J: I'm sorry. I just...
M: You don't have to say anything. We're here now, love. Love is everything...
J: Yeah, she said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, yeah...
M: See, you're still alive... we're still here...
J: (sobbing) Yeah...

A long time ago:
J: Don't you dare go away now!
M: I'll be back. You know it!
J: I don't know if I can live without you...
M: Remember what I said? Remember that I told you I know I'll be fine without you, if we ever broke up?
J: I hated that. You should have never said it.
M: I should have never... I was wrong. I thought life always goes on, but it doesn't. We go on, our lives might stand still... You are my life. I mean it! I love you and I always will, and I won't ever be the same without you.
J: Don't go away...
M: I'm not going away away, I'm just ... You know what? I can stay. I can stay if you want me to.
J: Then stay.
She crossed her arms.
M: I think we can make it here too. Really! I don't have to go...
J: Yeah...
M: I'm a jerk, even for thinking I could leave you. Why do you love me so much?
J: There's never too much, you know that...
M: There might be... we never know...
J: Please go. Don't stay here, we both know that's what you have to do.
M: And you?
J: I'll make it. I'll come to you. I'll work my ass off and I'll follow you, baby.
M: You have the power, you know... you should never doubt that. You're the strongest woman I know...
J: No, I'm not. I'm just strongly in love with you...
M: That's half right. I love you too. But it's not true, you do know how to suffer, but you aren't weak, and we're in on this... we both believe in... us. You'll be alright, everything will be alright, we'll be together forever... You're... you...
And in one sentence he wished to say it all. All what?
M: I'll be back.
J: I'll miss you...
M: I'll miss you too...
J: Don't cry...
M: You don't cry...
They were wiping each other's tears.
There weren't any great words to be said. What for? Just to make it even harder to handle? No, all they could do was look at each other - one last time - and head away, for a long, long time.
He was thinking: I love her, run back, grab her, hold her, show her one more time that I will be back, that I will be with her, that we'll both be alright, I love her...
She was thinking: I love him, I love him, please, bring him back to me, please, don't make me feel hate, I love him, I love him, please...
They weren't even leaving and they were already picturing their next day together...

Back:
He was back.
He was back.
M: Three words: I love you.
J: I love you too...
M: I missed you...
J: I missed you too.
M: Baby...

All they have is love...

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