Can you see it in yourself?

Migrating...

2009-03-29T00:04:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to say this for a long, long time, and finally, here it is!
I'm moving to a new site!
I've been active here for a long time, that's true, but now I've finally set up another place where I hope to pick things up. To my few subscribers, I'm sorry for being so quiet for so long, I really hope to change that.

Anyhow, here's where you can find me from now on. Please subscribe to my feeds if you wanna stay updated with my weird thoughts ;)

Oops. Of course, I mean... you can find me here

108

2008-10-23T01:17:00.000-07:00

This is the anniversary of my 108th posting on this blog. As a special anniversary (more so than post 100 which I really didn't pay attention to), this post will make little to no sense, but as usual it should make you feel... something...

Sometimes I wonder how much I could *really* tell you.
#define you as generic you, the reader
I wish I could blurt out all of my thoughts into one posting.

I can't help wishing that I was an artist, doing all the things that artists do... (for which of course there is no stereotype *cough*)

I think I would like to do podcasts and videos here someday soon. But right now I'm struggling to find one single place to call my home(blog). I may just have to make it, like everything else in life...

But nothing's really perfect. It can be dangerously close to perfect even without any help, though.

After a little more writing and thinking (more of the latter), I find that what I wrote last time, in terms of goals, deserves a little rewriting. So my second goal becomes my first. It's really tough to find the perfect order even for only four goals!!! Damn it!

... anyway, I have my heart set on people now. School was almost never really hard (except for one year of my life - frosh in high school), and was rarely involving enough to make me feel that people are worth less (than learning). I think and feel that everyone else teaches me much more than I would learn by myself or through school. If you believe in yourself, and know who you are well enough, surrounding yourself with people could be one of the best decisions of your life. It was for me, and I plan to do it again.

... maybe I just got sick of loneliness.

I may have not blogged much for the past two years, but... Oh, I was just about to say that things have not changed that much, that I haven't really changed. But, truthfully, we all change more than it seems - it's just that we tend to notice the things that don't change, but we want to change, and also notice things that change, but we don't want to change. If the former dominates the latter, there we go: it feels that we haven't changed much.

And I find myself that way right now.
What had I hoped to achieve?
... I had hoped to make this place be my home. With the friends that I want, a very special girl, and a passion for learning. Well, I'm halfway there!
... I had hoped to be more of me in every way, and in a sense, I am. Now, more than before, because I understand that being more means, among other things, accepting more. Santa Cruz really teaches one to accept things :)

What do I want now?
I want to make someone really happy. Maybe because I want to show myself that I can do more than I think I'm capable of doing.
I want to show someone how lucky I feel.
I want to take charge of my life.
I want to feel motivated.
To appreciate what I have a little more, and to do that, all I need is to put more heart into it.
After all, there's no limit to how much you can give.

And life is full of wonderful surprises.

Here's a thought. Do something unusual everyday!

And I want my 108th post to be the first of a series that will start a wonderful new adventure of my life!

I think it's very sad that people compromise so much to have some kind of happiness. It's not *the* happiness. I'd still rather just live a horribly unstable life than settle for people that I can't be myself around fully. But not everyone has to be that way. In fact, I may be the one worse off, you know, with the going nuts from such a hectic life and all.

But it's got its perks. Living on the edge (of either yourself, the world, or both) is extremely rewarding. It's romantic, for one. Exciting. Unusual. Surprising. No room for disengagement. Scary.

Why don't I just challenge myself to find that life that I want directly?
I think it's most likely because I enjoy the search. 99% of happiness is seeking it - that's the answer.

And I love. And I am loved. Everyday, more and more.

I love the world. And some itsy bitsy part of it loves me back. But as tiny as that is, it's bigger than me in every. single. way.

Hug you, world! And let's toast for my 108! To a new life!

There may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness

2008-10-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

Most of the time we grope about quite blindly, driven by we know not what needs and in search of we know not what satisfactions.
- F&u

Hey there. Long time no see.
I'll save the "I plan/ed to do this or that" bits. I don't re-read my posts often enough to catch my own plans again. No more plans, not for a long time now. Just a clearer and clearer path.
So what has my life been like?
A series of fortunate and unfortunate events mixed together in a healthy blend -- and I say this because I believe it is (sort of) in the psyche's best interest to be continuously challenged and unsettled. As human beings, we deserve to rest - we do - but only 1% of the time, really! 99% life = fighting.
And so you can see why all of our time is so precious. We must fight all the time to get to where we want to be. So, here is a series of ideas that (hopefully) summarize what I've been up to for the past, oh, 6 or more months...

After years of living in this world we (sometimes) call our own, we come to know things, and - more importantly - think of them as certainties. But these certainties are almost never enough to offer guidance to our (confused) lives, to set forth a fixed path that we know 100% is the path we want to be on. And who are those lucky few that know their path? They are people with faith: religious, scientific, or any other kind that is spiritual and gives oneself a good reason to stay on it. Most of which, I believe, are lying to themselves. However, I also believe that some are on the right path, and are lucky enough to do great things through their beliefs.

And the thing is, as we grow up, we start realizing that there is no way, NO WAY we could do all of those things that we wish to do. We have to give some up, and confine ourselves onto this one path that (hopefully) leads somewhere. And that "somewhere", we think, would be more rewarding, in the end, than trying to fit everything in:

If a man could articulate his grievances about life so defined, he would perhaps complain first about the extensive deprivations to which he is subjected and secondly about the unsatisfactory nature of much of the experience permitted him. The distinction is not a perfect one: the two complaints sometimes tend to merge. Nevertheless, there can be no doubt that, quite apart from any specific dissatisfactions we may have about what befalls us, we are sometimes oppressed by the feeling that life is more limited and impoverished than it should be.
- F&u

So will I give up many goals, in order to achieve at least a few. But in the end, "Psychoanalysis teaches us that no infantile desires are ever entirely relinquished." (F&u)

What are my priorities now?
1. Never give up.
2. Hold as few certainties as possible, always expect the opposite (or another option) may be (also) true.
3. Constantly re-evaluate my standing and goals. Hold the same small bunch (1-5) at the top (I wish...)
4. Bring a contribution to this world that is meaningful to me, and that I feel measures up to my abilities.

My goals?
1. Develop my career.
2. Meet great people, meet (new) people, make connections. Love.
3. Travel.
4. Experience (the) unforgettable.
Alright. Sounds like a plan!

What's been happening with me?
I moved away from one university to another, and in doing so realized a great deal of things. I love to travel. I like moving around, starting over, meeting new people. I also like learning, adapting. Fitting in, yet standing out.
I lived a summer with an internship - *the* full-time job that I have never had before - and understand what it is like to work your ass off, to be involved and enjoying what you do, to meet great people. I realized what defines my kind of work.
I had friends from Romania close by, and made other close friends here -- and they have helped shape this past half of a year more than anything. I understand now more about myself than I ever did during my years in the US. I was a pretty well-balanced person before I came here, but now I feel stronger and more convinced than ever. I know not the entirety of who I am, but enough to proceed on the next step with more confidence, more hope, belief, and love than I had thought possible 2 years ago.

And you know what? I'm fighting for freedom. My freedom, and others' freedom. I need it for my goals. Do they seem selfish? I for one think that without a career, I cannot offer much. I will not rest until I get to where I want to be (that is, metaphorically speaking, and not in terms of location).

And I had hoped to write a story as well today, but time is an issue, and as such the story will have to wait for another time.

Thanks for being here with me. I will end with another passage that has helped me recently:

The painful truth is that at each stage of our lives we are dissatisfied, unhappy and anxious a large part of the time. No matter how often we are reminded of this fact by philosophers and religious seers – or, more agonizingly, by events in our own lives – we only occasionally and momentarily accept its validity. We cannot, of course, deny that pain, dissatisfaction and disillusionment are inevitable aspects of human experience, but we can and do seek to minimize their significance. For example, we may attempt to treat painful aspects of experience as exceptional or even accidental. No matter what we have gone through, we tell ourselves with a stubbornness which has something magnificent about it that the next phase of our lives will fulfill more of our longings and give us less cause to feel wretched. Only exceptional men, or the rest of us in moments of exceptional honesty, face the possibility that there may be something about life itself which is inimical to our desire for happiness.
- F&u

Source for quotes:
F&u - Simon O. Lesser - Fiction and the unconscious

Smile :)

2008-03-04T12:41:00.001-08:00

Better by far you should forget and smile than you should remember and be sad.
-- Christina Rossetti

:)

Excuses

2008-02-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

The trick is not how much pain you feel - but how much joy you feel. Any idiot can feel pain. Life is full of excuses to feel pain, excuses not to live, excuses, excuses, excuses.
- Erica Jong
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.
- Joseph Rudyard Kipling, 1865 - 1936

I thought: hey, one could always use a reminder. Enjoy your life, it's the only one you have. Besides, if you can read this, you're probably better off than most of the world. You might think that what you have is no big deal, but try to imagine getting all of this when you have nothing... not a thing. And look for reasons not to worry, before you decide to do so - not the other way.

Feel the joy! Jump around! Be happy, be in the world. No excuses.

Darwin for beginners

2008-01-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

I'm taking an Anthropology class this semester and found passages in the book that caught my attention:

1.

The point is, scientific curiosity is not a native human talent. It has to be shaped and directed by social situations; institutional arrangements and vested interests, which give certain inquiries their characteristic verve and momentum.

In his great book "The Road to Xanadu" John Livingston Lowes discusses the origins of Coleridge's Ancient Mariner. He shows how the facts and images Coleridge obtained from ceaseless reading eventually returned to be incorporated in one of the gratest poems of the English language. Lowes points out that this material would have been useless, unless it had been forgotten first. It had to be plunged into the transforming depths of Coleridge's unconscious imagination before it could be retrieved and reordered.

Two things to make you think...

neversayers

2008-01-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Benjamin Franklin

List of what to never say. I'm trying to learn. And why does it always have to be the hard way?
For that, I have no answer. Still, here's a list.
For all of these and more that I can't remember (shamefully), I'm sorry. I'm sorry...
(You live, you learn, right? - Alanis Morissette song)

(I'm sorry, but) it's not my fault

Sure, no problem - when someone asks for something. Correction: use "my/with pleasure", "i'd love to", express concrete wish to help, not like you're doing a favor

I made a mistake, it will never happen again (see, because it has that "never" there?)

never

always

TBC

It had to be said

2008-01-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
- Mary Manin Morrissey

Since the year's fresh, it's time to realize that living happens now and here and stop waiting for something to come.
Life's all the time, isn't it?

Some other times

2007-12-15T22:19:00.000-08:00

How strange that only when you grow past a certain age you are capable of deluding yourself ... from your own self, for, perhaps, any amount of time.

---
NOTE:
Before I start... storytelling, I have an announcement:
Because of, let's say, previous experiences, I would like to point out that, out of all my writings, only some match my beliefs, while others contain one or more of the following (or others not yet mentioned :D):
- random ideas that someone might think of - either someone in general or I hear them somewhere (and/or I picked up on from others, or from the daily life)
- thoughts against myself (which I do because I find it clears the mind marvelously; plus, it gets rid of some nasty prejudices, try it!)
- moody swings (I'm not a girl, but hey! guys still get moody!)
- what if's of my own but not that I necessarily believe

In summary, this is a "don't judge what you read as my own beliefs" kind of message. I do value someone's beliefs, and on a great account I feel closer to those people that believe in the same things I do (don't we all?) but because beliefs are beliefs and nothing more, it would be unfair to dismiss someone simply because of what they believe...

Have you ever tried to argue against what's most dear to you? You must know how hard it is, then. If you try to start an argument on something that you're sensitive to, try not being one sided about it! *sigh*

Alright, this was perhaps because I'm setting the grounds for a big controversial thingy. Now, back to the story...
---

Getting busy with work.
Or school.
Hanging out with friends.
Listening to music, yelling it out loud.
Driving fast.
Writing about it. Not once, not twice.
Hope, hidden deep down - so well hidden that you don't even realize it's the first feeling you have in the morning; that along with the bittersweet taste of reality - that things will happen, someway or another, to make your dream come true.

You can't if you're a kid. How could a child lie to oneself? No, he couldn't!
It's like a sad story, that of growing up. You're born with this tiny mind and a huge huge heart. You learn so much, feel so much, everything that happens around you fires up your heart at first. You almost "love" or "hate" everything. But then you get older, and you stop feeling strongly about things. You realize that Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Or that your little pet didn't really go to Honolulu for the past 6 months. You come to know there are other people in this world, you become aware of them.
And so much else.
Gradually, slowly, you distance your mind from your heart. If you suffer, you pull away - IF you can. Then, even if you involve yourself again, you know you can pull back. And that's how it starts. When you're happy, you go for it! Again, and again... ah, and happiness makes everything most subjective.

We instinctively know when we're happy with our lives. Isn't it funny how you are so self-focused when you're happy? I don't mean to say self-centered. Or selfish. Happiness does not necessarily mean you're selfish. I think that depends on your attitude and beliefs, spiritual strength, will... stuff like that. Perhaps, to be more clear, I should make sense of the happiness I'm talking about: the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach (does it have to be love? I don't know), excites you from head to toe and almost forces you to get out of bed full of LIFE! Damn it! YES!
Hah! High five!

So, being self-focused is good. It's knowing you love your place in the world, yeah!
[...]
We might have happy moments, but we're not happy all the time. We might have an overall happy life, though, isn't that great?

The TV's turned on, right beside me. I skipped through the list of channels and saw "The Notebook" title right on there. I wanted to see it again.
I knew it'd take me back in time, back to memories. I knew I'd tend to advocate one thing or another after/while watching it. I went back and forth only to realize that having something to go back and forth for gives me strength. Having to face myself and enjoying it is something I have been long missing.

I'm happy. I'm happy! :)
It's evanescent, probably, but I feel happy.
Feels like that quote:
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? - Charles M. Schulz

I saw "The Shape of Things" yesterday. It's now one of my top movies ever! I'd strongly recommend it to anyone... The movie forces so many questions out of oneself that I can't even begin to say why one should see it! Seduction, truth, art, change, superficiality, what love is... what's real versus what is not.

Scraps of a bigger picture...

"Do I really have to make sense?"
"Meh. Only if you want to..."
"Good. Cause I don't want to right now."
*nods*
Really complex. I know.

I love playing the piano! Just can't wait for that holiday time so I could do it all I want... Fur Elise, sing it with me! (Was he really deaf?)

Oh, speaking of selfishness, I thought of altruism and generosity, about how much one tends to postpone it for later (aka typically when one can do it wholeheartedly and meaningfully), and how one ends up not doing it at all...

I'm going to go dream now :)
It's almost one.
Thinking of you... dear to me... here's a special felt thought reaching out to you!

Thoughts, thoughts, random thoughts

2007-11-03T22:14:00.001-07:00

If I had more time, space... ahhh! Actually, I've got just fragments that might one day develop into full ideas...

I wonder whether we should believe that everything we get in life is one-time only, I wonder if we should keep holding on desperately, to everything we've got... I wonder. Doesn't it make more sense to take everything as it comes? To accept every single day annd thing that happens. Just, because... You can't change the past (yet). The first thing you have to do with it, then, is accept that it happened. It's irreversible, as far as your humble human powers are concerned. There's nothing you can do about it, except write "history" as if it never happened. But it has happened. And that's it.
What remains, then, is your decision. What are you gonna do about it?
So, you had a car accident and the other guy's suing you. So what? Huh? Do something. Be smart about it. You know, feel life as you feel it, but, with that thought in mind - that everything from the past stays there.
Since you can only do something once and there's no Ctrl+Z, you better do it well.

But I'm trying to reach farther than that.
I'm trying to say that even if you lose the dearest people in your life. Even if you've got nothing more to lose, you still should not fight as if your life depended on it. What does your life really depend on? Not much. Actually, very little. Like a dear friend told me once, Gandhi didn't need much to live (and even do it happily). I'm not gonna get into all that how-wasteful-we-are kinda thing. We waste everyday: time, plastic, paper, electricity, water, money. What else? Plenty!

Anyway, back to the point. I shouldn't say "whatever happens", I should say "habitually, most of what happens we take too seriously." Yeah! Lighten up, kid! You've got the whole world in your hands. You're not almighty, but you're not useless either. You're important - not as important, not more or less important than others.

I was just thinking about this because I felt I was struggling to do so many things I wanted to. Yet, I did. But I didn't take time off. You know, to feel better, to enjoy... Or, I did, but I even took that as precious time. And then I came around: Why am I being so stressed out? Because? Nothing. Really.

---

"You've got closure."
Gee. Umm. I don't know. Maybe I do. Actually, the worst break up of my life (and probably, hopefully, anyone's) was the first. But it wasn't that bad. I just really felt like I was alone. The shock, I guess, after spending so many days with someone, for the first time, and that throwing yourself all into it...
And yes, that still happens with future relationships! No, it's not less honest or more cautious in the future! It's however you want it to be. Just more experienced. Actually, experience in a huge number of areas is really helpful :)
Knowledge is power.
And the brain to help deal with it is also essential.
So, I think that if you really look at yourself, you're not that bad at it. At anything.
And yes, this connects to that thingy upstairs. The previous idea. Half-idea...

---

Random...

---

Blah blah...

---

Okay, focus :)
*nods*
I went to a wonderful dance show tonight.
(nothing to do with it, but the song "I'm walking on sunshine" is playing right now. No, not in my head...)
It was great. Really. I enjoyed it so much that it made me write all this friggin stuff. Yup. And the music was great, too. I feel refreshed. And like writing. And just for that, I'm gonna skip a couple of days of school, probably. Or just go to some of the classes. My favorite ones, of course :)

---

It's wonderful how people get involved into what they do so much. I have this really great friend that always took everything as lightly as possible. To him, life's as serious as it can be, except that nothing disturbs him too much. Of course, there's some routine in there, since he's so calm and balanced all the time, but, for the most part, it's amazing how he handles everything with so much ease. And laughter. Last time his girlfriend was really pissed at someone he laughed and kept teasing her. I kind of expected her to burst into tears, but she was so stubborn and frustrated by his attitude that she started chasing him... heh.
The day that his dog died, he just said it, with seriousness. And that was it. Not that it didn't matter, don't get me wrong. It's just that, well, it happened, and... the dog's not here anymore, and it's regrettable... But, yeah, there's also all the rest of life. I think that's, to some extent, part of being an adult, mature. Handling things. Taking it all in, yet not so as it kills you (cause then it won't do much good, except to the FBI or CIA if you're wanted dead or alive, maybe).

But I'm digressing...

Again :)

Alright, I'll be back to write some more, someday.
>hug<

Driving... home

2007-10-24T16:39:00.000-07:00

I drive to school. Everyday, almost. And I listen to music and sing along. I speed, usually. And... think... but today I had a flashback.

I remembered when I was really little, and our family would be back home from whatever we went to see (countryside, sea, mountains)... and I remembered that road home, the curves and sights and I liked to look out the window of the car and see... what? What was there to see?
Not much. But that was everything. They all looked so familiar "We're almost home!" I and my brother said, we were... close enough. It was that strange sense of warmth and... and... places... full of memories, thoughts, little things that only kids notice. Things like some strange plants hanging outside a balcony, or the way a street curves left and then right like a snake, or the library with red lights on one corner... or some traffic light that always had a weird green color. Aw, man!
We had a really old car. But it had a name :)... Bianca. Yeah, that was it. And whenever dad put gas in, it'd smell really bad inside, and my brother and I hated that smell. We always wanted to stop on a long journey and breathe some fresh air. All that stupid gas made us dizzy. Yeah.

The way home... who would've thought that my short 15 minute ride home today would bring back those memories. Different country, place, no highway mostly... Oh, gosh. Does it mean I feel at home here, now? Does it just mean that I miss home?
Anyhow, I'm now definitely nostalgic about it...

Ah, childhood memories...

Badiou on the Immortal singularity of man

2007-10-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Badiou speaks about why man is more than just an animal...

An immortal: this is what the worst situations that can be inflicted upon Man show him to be, in so far as he distinguishes himself within the varied and rapacious flux of life. In order to think any aspect of Man, we must begin from this principle. So, if 'rights of man' exist, they are surely not rights of life against death, or rights of survival against misery. They are the rights of the Immortal, affirmed in their own right, or the rights of the Infinite, exercised over the contingency of suffering and death. The fact that in the end we all die, that only dust remains, in no way alters Man's identity as immortal at the instant in which he affirms himself as someone who runs counter to the temptation of wanting-to-be-an-animal to which circumstances may expose him. And we know that every human being is capable of being this immortal - unpredictably, be it in circumstances great or small, for truths important or secondary. In each case, subjectivation is immortal, and makes Man. Beyond this there is only a biological species, a 'biped without feathers', whose charms are not obvious.

amintiri paralele

2007-10-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

--ea-- (12:35:27 PM): ce frumoasa si ce blanda ar fi viata daca am avea doar amintiri placute....
--ea-- (12:35:53 PM): amintiri care sa ne readuca zambetul pe fata cand suntem tristi...

--ea-- (12:35:58 PM): :)
--el-- (12:36:14 PM): ar fi un vis frumos dupa altul...
--el-- (12:36:15 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:36:26 PM): da....
--ea-- (12:36:35 PM): pacat ca intervine si realitatea...
--el-- (12:36:58 PM): poate n-ar mai fi asa de frumos visul daca ar fi numai el
--el-- (12:37:07 PM): poate ca dualitatea face ca totul sa aiba rost
--ea-- (12:37:12 PM): eu stiu...
--el-- (12:37:18 PM): :-< desi chestia cu sensul ma cam enerveaza
--ea-- (12:37:22 PM): eu tot ma gandesc ca insasi viata e un vis...
--ea-- (12:37:41 PM): sau cosmar, mai bne spus....
--ea-- (12:37:45 PM): pt unii...
--ea-- (12:37:46 PM): :D
--el-- (12:37:49 PM): :D
--el-- (12:38:06 PM): un vis intrerupt de noptile in care-l parasesti pentru realitati...
--ea-- (12:38:20 PM): :)
--ea-- (12:38:29 PM): realitati pralele cu aceasta
--ea-- (12:38:30 PM): :P
--el-- (12:38:45 PM): :)
--el-- (12:38:52 PM): poate sunt
--ea-- (12:39:05 PM): hmm....
--ea-- (12:39:10 PM): greu de crezut....
--ea-- (12:39:32 PM): eu nici in realitatea cotidiana nu prea cred...
--el-- (12:39:33 PM): pana la urma realitatea pare aia de care nu poti sa scapi pana mori
--el-- (12:39:34 PM): :D
--ea-- (12:39:40 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:39:51 PM): posibil....
--el-- (12:40:17 PM): :)
--el-- (12:40:18 PM): :))
--ea-- (12:40:30 PM): ;)

it's been so long, and yet he said stay far away

2007-10-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

Song from the past
I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

He sent it and then wanted to take a shower. Turning on the water, he could almost remember every time he cried his heart out in here. Last year. So many times. So many stupid fucking times.
But no, it wasn't going to be the last time. It's never going to end. And, surely, he didn't want it to. He just wanted to cry. Again. Probably the longest crying shower he ever took, so far...
He's still crying.
Why?

Because it's been so long.

Since what?

Since anything... and, even worse, since everything. All he wants to do is cry. Cry and let it out. And forget... It's no big deal, nothing's a big deal... it's just a few minutes of his life. It's no tragedy...

Sometimes, he wishes he could go back in time. Other times he wishes to go forward. When was the last time he wanted to just stay? DUring a test, maybe, and not even then for too long...

What's with the song?
A long, long time ago (sounds like Madonna's beginning American song)
...
she was there. He wasn't. She used to listen to this song. Well, no, actually, she just quoted it on her status, one day. But he read it. He cried so much over these lyrics. He was jealous. He was lost. He thought she'd been gone for someone else. He couldn't have been more wrong.

Why are you crying, then? our narrator asks.
Too many.

Too many reasons to even say.

Maybe because I should've cried 3 months ago, when I lost something that might not ever be back.
Maybe because I should've talked to him. To her. Maybe because I shouldn've fought more. Because I should've stepped off of that subway and not go to that stupid party on Tuesday, and stay with her. Maybe because I've been a horrible person for so long, that now I have to cry for all the past months' worth. Maybe because I just plainly don't know any other way out of this...

And that song's with him every step of the way. He wants to run away. He wants to stay. He wants to do things right, this time around. He just wishes, for once, things could be simpler. He wants strength, motive, the power to move on... but he wants to learn, he wants to take it all in and deal with it. He doesn't want the easy way out. He never did.
Most of all, he wants her. And he wants it right.

He wants it all. And maybe, just maybe that's not possible anymore. Maybe he doesn't deserve it all, maybe he never did.

I'm sorry, world! He says.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I let myself down.
And if you're reading this although I warned you not to, I'm sorry I ever hurt you.

He thinks too much. Wants too much. Does too much. When does he ever relax?
Why doesn't he just relax?

Cause life isn't the way he wants it. And, for the past year, it has rarely been. Could it ever be again? Should he even hope?

Well, why doesn't he just take it as it comes, just leave all thought out of this, and make it easy for himself, and for others. Just deal with everything as it comes along and stop looking at the big, sad, fucking picture for so long. Carpe diem, small steps, little by little and he'll know which way to go, right?
Why don't we all do that?

Because, sometimes, all he wants to do is cry. Cry, cry, cry...

Socrates' Apology

2007-10-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

Quotes from the Apology. I always choose what means most to me... hope you like them.

You remember Chaerephon's character - how impulsive he was in carrying through whatever he took in hand. Once he went to Delphi and ventured to put this question to the oracle - I entreat you again, my friends, not to interrupt me with your shouts - he asked if there was anyone who was wiser than I. The priestess answered that there was no one. Chaerephon himself is dead, but his brother here will witness to what I say.
Now see why I tell you this. I am going to explain to you how the prejudice against me has arisen. When I heard of the oracle I began to reflect: What can the god mean by this riddle? I know very well that I am not wise, even in the smallest degree. [...]
I went to a man who was reputed to be wise, thinking that there, if anywhere, I should prove the answer wrong, and meaning to point out to the oracle its mistake, and to say, "You said that I was the wisest of men, but this man is wiser than I am." So I examined the man, but this was the result, Athenians. When I conversed with him I came to see that, though a great many persons, and most of all himself thought that he was wise, yet he was not wise. Then I tried to prove to him that he was not wise, though he fancied that he was. By so doing I made him indignant {like a gadfly, how my phil teacher called him :D}, and many of the bystanders. So when I went away, I thought to myself, "I am wiser than this man: neither of us knows anything that is really worth knowing, but he thinks that he has knowledge when he has not, while I, having no knowledge, do not think that I have. I seem, at any rate, to be a little wiser than he is on this point: I do not think that I know what I do not know."
[...]
From this examination, Athenians, has arisen much fierce and bitter indignation, and as a result a great many prejudices about me. People say that I am "a wise man." For the bystanders always think that I am wise myself in any matter wherein I refute another. But, gentlemen, I believe that the god is really wise, and that by this oracle he meant that human wisdom is worth little or nothing. I do not think that he meant that Socrates was wise. He only made use of my name, and took me as an example, as though he would say to men, "He, among you, is the wisest who, like Socrates, knows that his wisdom is really worth nothing at all."

When the generals whom you chose to command me, Athenians, assigned me my station during the battles of Potidaea, Amphipolis, and Delium, I remained where they stationed me and ran the risk of death, like other men. It would e very strange conduct on my part if I were to desert my station now from fear of death or of any other thing when the god has commanded me - as I am persuaded that he has done - to spend my life in searching for wisdom, and in examining myself and others. [...] For to fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise without really being wise, for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For no one knows whether death may not be the greatest good that can happen to a man. But men fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know?"

Even if you acquit me now, and do not listen to Anytus' argument that, if I am to be acquitted, I ought never to have been brought to trial at all, and that, as it is, you are bound to put me to death because, as he said, if I escape, all your sons will be utterly corrupted by practicing what Socrates teaches. If you were therefore to say to me, "Socrates, this time we will not listen to Anytus. We will let you go, but on the condition that you give up this investigation of yours, and philosophy. If you are found following these pursuits again, you shall die." I say, if you offered to let me go, on these terms, I should reply: "Athenians, I hold you in the highest regard and affection, but I will be persuaded by the god rather than you. As long as I have breath and strength I will not give up philosophy and exhorting you and declaring the truth to every one of you whom I meet, saying, as I am accustomed."

He is condemned to death.

I have been convicted because I was wanting, not in arguments, but in impudence and shamelessness - because I would not plead before you as you would have liked to hear me plead, or appeal to you with weeping and wailing, or say and do many other things which I maintain are unworthy of me, but which you have been accustomed from other men."

Although some of Socrates' arguments are reductive, the famous wise man described by Plato is highly regarded as one of the most notable figures in philosophy (not to mention ancient philosophy). The Greek system of laws and judges was amazing :)

So, what do you think?:)

facing ancient philosophy

2007-10-07T18:03:00.001-07:00

By explaining generation and destruction, if not all change, in terms of mixture and separation, Empedocles sought to reconcile Heraclitus's insistence on the reality of change with the Eleatic claim that generation and destruction are unthinkable. Going back to the Greeks' traditional belief in four elements, he found a place for Thales' water, Anaximenes' air, and Heraclitus's fire, and he added earth as the fourth. In addition to these four elements, which Aristotle would later call "material causes" Empedocles postulated two "efficient causes": strife (Heraclitus's great principle) and love. He envisaged four successive ages: an age of love or perfect mixture in the beginning; then gradual separation as strife enters; then complete separation as strife rules; finally, as love enters again, a gradual remixture.

How romantic... :X Four elements + two causes of everything, babe.

Anaxagoras taught that everything consists of an infinite number of particles or seeds, and that in all things there is a portion of everything. Hair could not come from what is not hair, nor flesh come from what is not flesh. The names we apply to things are determined by the preponderance of certain seeds in them - for example, hair seeds or flesh seeds. Like Empedocles, he added to such "material causes" an "efficient cause" to account for the motion and direction of things; however, unlike Empedocles' two, Anaxagoras added only one "efficient cause", which was mind, in Greek. The introduction of mind led Aristotle to hail Anaxagoras as the only sober man among the Pre-Socratics; yet Aristotle found fault with Anaxagoras for not making more use of this new principle to explain natural events.

Could Buddhism be a li'l related to this concept?

Atomism accepted Parmenides' idea that being must be one seamless whole but posited an infinite number of such "one's." According to Democritus, the world is made up of tiny "un-cutables" that move within the "void" (corresponding to Parmenides' non-being). These atoms combine in different patterns to form the material objects of the observable world. Democritus applied this understanding of reality to human beings as well. Both the soul and the body are made up of atoms. Perception occurs when atoms from objects outside the person strike the sense organs inside the person, which in turn strike the atoms of the soul further inside. Death, in turn, is simply the dissipation of the soul atoms when the body atoms no longer hold them together.

- about Democritus
And death is always so romantic, no matter how you put it... Did you ever think about that?

I think that...

Quizzing for (my) destiny...

2007-10-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

(my) because maybe destiny is not anyone's. "What you're destined to do", sounds like such a cliche. Perhaps a better way to say it would be "what you feel you should do", so that we avoid all that destiny crap that's so arguable...

Quiz 1.
What career will suit your personality?

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

* Artist
* Historian
* Banker
* Novelist
* University Professor
* Photographer
* Vet
* Paralegal
* Graphic Designer
* Online Content Developer
* Webmaster
* Producer
* Managing Director
* Nutritionist
* Advertising
* Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don�t like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

So... erm... I disagree with working all alone and avoiding all attention. I do like to share things mostly with a select group of friends, but I don't like being alone. Working alone, perhaps... I'm quiet and private but only when I'm not in love or really excited about something (which is more often than likely) and I'm optimistic. I don't see a lonely person as being optimistic. But I love some of those predictions!!!

joke

2007-10-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

Conversation between two students:

- Hey, man, how do drugs feel like?
- I don't know :(, I don't live on campus...

This related to the fact that campus people tend to, kind of, erm, well... let them tell you what life's like on campus :)

maybe I thought you weren't like everybody else

2007-09-26T13:08:00.001-07:00

He and She. He takes her home. They talk and get ready to part for the evening.
He says, then she, etc:
- i had a really good time tonight
- yeah, i did too!
- here.
- what's that?
- my share of the dinner.

- no, no, no. look, i'm the one who asked you out, and it wouldn't be an official date if i wouldn't pay.
- well how about i flip you for it?
- no, i'm sorry.
- come on, you're afraid you'll lose!
- no, you are unbelievable...
- (joking around) you're terrified, you're shaking.
- oh, alright. heads...
- (flips coin, falls heads) you lose.
- let me see that.
- no.
- let me see that...
- no!
- let me see that!
(grabs coin)
- that's two tails, you cheated!
- no, i didn't. i gave you the option, you chose heads.
- 84% of the time everyone's gonna say heads when asked.
- well maybe i thought you weren't like everybody else.
- maybe you're right. i'll see you.
- i'll raise you.
- what?
- it's just something i used to say to my dad.
- good night.
- good night. sweet dreams.

(movie "All in", 2006)

I won't say anything. I'll just add another quote. But if you'll comment, I'll reply.

"It will have been noticed that, in this philosophy, there reigns an alternative: the encounter may not take place, just as it may take place. Nothing determines, no principle of decision determines this alternative in advance; it is of the order of a game of dice. 'A throw of the dice will never abolish chance.' Indeed! A successful encounter, one that is not brief, but lasts, never guarantees that it will continue to last tomorrow rather than come undone. Just as it might not have taken place, it may no longer take place: 'fortune comes and changes', affirms Borgia, who succeeded at everything until the famous day he was stricken with fever. In other words, nothing guarantees that the reality of the accomplished fact is the guarantee of its durability. Quite the opposite is true: every accomplished fact, even an election, like all the necessity and reason we can derive from it, is only a provisional encounter, and since every encounter is provisional even when it lasts, there is no eternity in the 'laws' of any world or any state. History her is nothing but the permanent revocation of the accomplished fact by another undecipherable fact to be accomplished, without our knowing in advance whether, or when, or how the event that revokes it will come about. Simply, one day new hands will have to be dealt out, and the dice thrown again on the empty table."
- Louis Althusser, "Philosophy of the Encounter"

Question: What if love was this way, what if everything that happens is just... chance?

yep, it's official, I'm weird! (un)fortunately so's the world

2007-09-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

So...

I've just seen a documentary on aspartame. You wouldn't believe how poisonous human beings can be to their own selves (or, you would, if you were like me). And then comes the phrase "yeah, but it's all business, really", which is why I put this quote up on my blog:

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasnt the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
- Douglas Adams

I'm sad. Sad... Sometimes I wish I could erase this world with a hand towel or something, and "write" it back.

So, umm, what else... the last few weeks of my life deal with philosophy, CS, dancing, and math circles. Reading, lots and lots of reading, logic, jumping and moving on classical music (:X) and probably soon-to-come midterms. It's good, at least I like what I'm doing very much. And then I keep busy all the time. To be honest, the only part of my life I wish were better is social. But I don't feel so hurried anymore... or, rather, I'm determined to take things as they come, feel as I feel and... just deal with it.

I realized that I really like to cook! :) Which is so cool, because I also like to eat :D
For now I'm just sticking to salads, with all sorts of ingredients, but I'm planning to learn some actual stove stuff soon! I hope.

It's 7:35PM and the sky looks... amazing. It makes me dream, of what's going to be, what's going to happen to the world, to my family, to my friends...
Speaking of family, I think I'm gonna be closer to them for the next couple of years. Being so far, for so long, was just something I had accepted (or thought I did) and then I did not even realize that I'm not actually coming back.

It feels like time just passes by. And I do so much that I want, but I'm missing out on the whole of who I am. I'm always missing out. Gotta go to concerts, rock concerts, or punk, or gothic... and then learn piano, and do math, teach or tutor, do web programming, explore nature and go to Great America, find someone I could get close to again... or have someone close back here...

Shhh. Snap out of it. Back to life. Somehow, along the way of growing up, it's been established (or perceived) that being an adult takes the adventure out of life (maybe that's because I'm not exactly surrounded by adventurous people - not in the all-fun-and-no-work-kinda-way anyhow). And I refuse to accept that! Growing up doesn't mean you lose it all, you can still be crazy and impulsive and have all sorta wishes and dreams and hopes, and you can still wanna meet someone great in the bus or subway, or on the street, or read a book standing upside down in a tree, or, heck, I dunno, just do something unusual cause you damn well feel like it. As disney's "The spectrum song" says: "What ever happened to the plain old dilly-dilly-dilly-dilly... dilly..."

Sometimes when I meet someone and he/she's so different from me (yep, pretty often), and I hear things from that person, that he/she likes, or does, I always, somehow, understand, or feel, have felt, lived, believed, thought that too,... and, as long as it's still part of me, I can always say "I know what you mean", or "so do I". And, like someone very dear to me once said she's been told, "you seem over 40". I'm not exactly the same way, but, at least at this point, I feel that way. Like no matter how different from me that person is - no, actually, better: the more that person differs from me, the closer I feel to the him/her.
And to think that all this' been inspired from a friend's phrase: "dude, all your friends are WEIRD!"
YEP! Say hello to the weird me! (new version is long-haired and headbanded, batteries not included ;) )

So, anyway, as I said, I've been upto no good lately - much reading, actually, of Ancient Greek philosophy, and here are a few phrases I've very much enjoyed:

Xenophanes:
- “mortals suppose that the gods are born and have clothes and voices and shapes like heir own”
- “there is one god, among gods and men the greatest, not at all like mortals in body or mind”
- “he sees as a whole, thinks as a whole, and hears as a whole”
- “he moves everything by the thought of his mind”
- “he always remains in the same place, not moving at all”
- “everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end”
- “no man knows or ever will know the truth about gods and about everything I speak of”

So, the first couple of ones, about the entity of god as a whole fits right in with how I (and probably many of you) feel (or have felt) about this world: it's all one. big. giant. whole. and ALL is GOD, and GOD is ALL, because everything IS, everything is created and therefore creation, and the creator it(or him, if you prefer:P)-self is everywhere, omnipresent and omnipotent.

The "everything comes from earth and returns to earth in the end" part reminds me of this funny little quote:

If my decomposing carcass helps nourish the roots of a juniper tree or the wings of a vulture - that is immortality enough for me. And as much as anyone deserves.
- Edward Abbey

Anyone out there who happens to read any of this crap here and think it's not that bad, just comment, would ya? Even if it's offtopic. I really feel like talking :)

Alright, hope you had a great weekend!
Here's some other links that I've recently read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood-brain_barrier
http://www.the-scientist.com/news/display/53138/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclamate
http://www.stevia.net/
http://www.aspartamesafety.com/FAQ.htm
http://www.elmhurst.edu/~chm/vchembook/549acesulfame.html

^_^
|_|
(uhm, nvm)

I'd rather be

2007-09-14T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'd rather be a has been
then a might have been by far,
for a might have been
has never been,
but a has been
was once an Are.

I'd rather be a could be
if I couldn't be an Are,
for a could be is a maybe
with a chance of reaching far.

(unknown author)

meet ... uhm ... someone

2007-08-29T00:37:00.000-07:00

I just saw "Meet Joe Black". My head's full of ideas. It hurts. I can't get them all out but I'll go with the flow.

What's it like to live knowing when you'll die?
Would you perhaps go to that girl and tell her, with your voice trembling: "Hey, I was waiting for you. I have to tell you something before I chicken out and never say it: I think... you're... I think you're the most... you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen"
"Why thank you", she would say, and then maybe, just maybe, you won't run out on her because you're too emotional to say something else.

Or you might go to that girl and say "Can I see you again?"
And then she'd say something like "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", with a not-so-happy face, just so you won't take it as worst as possible...

Wish I could set my mind free. Wish I could sleep without the continuous racking in my head, the random pieces of thoughts and feelings that just don't let me be one... whole...
I am me. I behave like me. I'm wishing, dreaming, feeling, living... just not entirely where I am, yet. Some parts of me are... scattered.

And that's why you're here.
You'll help me come back together. You'll say things to me that nobody else would say. And I'll tell you anything, cause you're not like anyone else.

There are times in life when you have to stop and deal with yourself. Leave everyone else alone, not burden them with yourself and finally go, do it, be you, on your own, take life by the hand and walk beside it.
"I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry"

It's easy. Leave things to rest for a while. And remember what you were thinking: if you hadn't had it, you wouldn't be so sad to have lost it. And don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. And nothing's ever over. And love is something you must never lose your faith in. And hope dies last, it's what gets you out of bed each morning. And courage is the mastery of fear. And you want to leave this Earth with no regrets. And... it's a wonderful world! Carpe diem! Don't worry, be happy!

Don't overburden yourself! Take it easy. Clear your head. Write here... write here, take a break. Write all you wish to write, to whomever you wish to write, here, if you can. Take a break.

I'm not discouraged, I just hate feeling behind on feeling. That sounds circular, but what it means is that I'd rather feel okay with everything, and I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure how to be, except by letting it all flow. And this is how it flows...

Welcome, to a new post. First? Last? Probably not.
Welcome, to a new step forward, hopeful, more loving, more honest, and... happier.

I'll be back.

this time i turn to you

2007-08-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here in a long time. Very long time.
I have friends.
I am in love.
I have parents. Relatives.
People I could talk to. Relate to. Feel close to. That could help me with my problems, or at least make me feel better. But right now I don't want any of that.
Do I want to be like a rock or what? I dunno, but this time, the reason I feel like talking to you is... cause you only have to listen. Don't say anything. It's a diary.
Now I turn to you.

Hi.
I'm Paul.
I've been thinking too much about too many. Or too little. Forgot who I am? Not exactly, though I don't feel perfectly at home either.
Yeah, I'm more self-sufficient now, that's the least I can tell. I've just read in a book that men tend to go solve other problems or do things to help'em forget their problems if they've in a difficult situation. And, for 6 months or so...

I've been feeling the urge to live through exciting stuff, taste extreme tastes, drive faster, take on challenges - in short, live more intensely than ever. Is this me, or is this just someone I'm trying to be to help me cope with all the changes I'm going through?
There's no help in this. I just know there isn't. I have to try it and see where it leads me. Cause nobody knows it better than me.
I've had a wonderful summer, though with a lot of mistakes.
And, as I write this, I keep thinking of the people that would read it. My friends. My love. People I love. What would they think, feel, say, ... ?
I've got so many ambitions for this following year. Can I make it? I feel disorganized. Like I should take some time off and figure out my priorities.

So, here I go.
Philosophy. Definitely.
Math. For sure.
CS. Of course.
English. Writing. Reading. Culture in general. Indispensable.
Love. Friends. Family. Girlfriend. Having faith in love. Essential.
Experimenting new things. Expect the unpredictable, in a way. It's part of me.
Doing something that matters. Something to put my heart in.

I'm changing. I already have changed. I've stopped relying on someone else so much. Actually, I didn't need someone else that much, but I wanted to. The truth is that I want someone to live my life with. Even at my age. I do. Really. And having someone, loving someone, being with someone and being happy is wonderful, for me. And it's a challenge, which I also like.
My friends give me a sense of self and my life partner gives me happiness. It's true - I could be happy with just living a lovely life with someone. But I am much more with all you guys. To be the most of me, I need a lot, but just to be me, I don't. Subtle difference, can you see it?
And I've got so much to do, so I hope that will keep me from being sad.
I love so many people. And I felt so troubled without them last year. My home is still not here, but, this time, I plan on making a home out of myself, grabbing on to life and making the most out of every opportunity. Putting heart in all of it. Calming down, in a way, releasing the stress. Yet also keeping that -live it to the max- feeling.

I'll be back to write more, soon. Perhaps I'll rearrange this blog a bit.

Life in loneliness?

2007-05-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've just been thinking that maybe something strange is happening to the world: everyone's getting lonelier. It might be just me, growing up, and I'm sure others like me had this same thought once, but with people moving, internet growing, long distance communication easier and cheaper everyday, people become more and more indifferent to their neighbors and active to others that are far away... and that's the story of long distance relationships and lonely beings with no friends. Why? Why not care about your neighbors?

Well, there are still some that hate the internet and every pen-friendish relationship, so they go for the natural hang-out-with-whoever's-around kinda thing. So that's encouraging. But for those who don't choose so, their reason is generally: because it's easier, more convenient, and if I move, I don't have to worry about leaving my friends behind. But is that really life?
What I've seen here in the US is that most people work, and have no friends. No real friends, anyway. They all have "friends" they party with, people they waste time around with, but there's really nobody they can buzz at 2 o'clock in the morning at the door and start crying cause their girlfriend or boyfriend was an ass. They don't go through life-threatening challenges and generally have no time to spare for a random person they just met. Everyone's working or going to school, or both! It's like we've forgotten what gives our life meaning...
It's OTHERS people, it's others! If you were the only person on this planet, there would be no sense to living! So why, then, choose to live off of some imaginary relationship with no hope of ever turning real? To satisfy your own social needs? How can you really help your friends if they have an accident, or God knows what else? Oh, gee, and to think that some actually tell me that's they way they want to lead their whole life...

Am I just being paranoid or is there something really happening?
Have your say in this, leave a comment.

[Long story short] Five

2007-05-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

J: Go away! Leave me alone.
M: I should have never left.
J: You had to leave!
M: No. I didn't have to. I thought it was for the best. For OUR best... I shouldn't have left.

J: We are strangers now...
M: No, we're not... it might seem so, cause it's been so long...
J: That's no different.
M: In feeling, it isn't. But...
There was a long silence.
M: ... I still love you. I love you so much. I love you even more than before, and we've survived! We really have...
J: I didn't. You should have left me months ago.
M: I got you into this. I didn't let you go. I did all the wrong things. Hate me, please, hate me.
J: I did. I don't anymore.
M: Do you even care?
J: No, I don't care. You can do whatever you want, I will never love you again, ever. Never ever, and she crossed her arms.
M: I will always love you...

And in a moment she went from stone cold to crying her heart out.
J: Just... hold... me...
And he did. And they looked at each other's rings...
J: I'm sorry. I just...
M: You don't have to say anything. We're here now, love. Love is everything...
J: Yeah, she said, wiping the tears off her cheeks, yeah...
M: See, you're still alive... we're still here...
J: (sobbing) Yeah...

A long time ago:
J: Don't you dare go away now!
M: I'll be back. You know it!
J: I don't know if I can live without you...
M: Remember what I said? Remember that I told you I know I'll be fine without you, if we ever broke up?
J: I hated that. You should have never said it.
M: I should have never... I was wrong. I thought life always goes on, but it doesn't. We go on, our lives might stand still... You are my life. I mean it! I love you and I always will, and I won't ever be the same without you.
J: Don't go away...
M: I'm not going away away, I'm just ... You know what? I can stay. I can stay if you want me to.
J: Then stay.
She crossed her arms.
M: I think we can make it here too. Really! I don't have to go...
J: Yeah...
M: I'm a jerk, even for thinking I could leave you. Why do you love me so much?
J: There's never too much, you know that...
M: There might be... we never know...
J: Please go. Don't stay here, we both know that's what you have to do.
M: And you?
J: I'll make it. I'll come to you. I'll work my ass off and I'll follow you, baby.
M: You have the power, you know... you should never doubt that. You're the strongest woman I know...
J: No, I'm not. I'm just strongly in love with you...
M: That's half right. I love you too. But it's not true, you do know how to suffer, but you aren't weak, and we're in on this... we both believe in... us. You'll be alright, everything will be alright, we'll be together forever... You're... you...
And in one sentence he wished to say it all. All what?
M: I'll be back.
J: I'll miss you...
M: I'll miss you too...
J: Don't cry...
M: You don't cry...
They were wiping each other's tears.
There weren't any great words to be said. What for? Just to make it even harder to handle? No, all they could do was look at each other - one last time - and head away, for a long, long time.
He was thinking: I love her, run back, grab her, hold her, show her one more time that I will be back, that I will be with her, that we'll both be alright, I love her...
She was thinking: I love him, I love him, please, bring him back to me, please, don't make me feel hate, I love him, I love him, please...
They weren't even leaving and they were already picturing their next day together...

Back:
He was back.
He was back.
M: Three words: I love you.
J: I love you too...
M: I missed you...
J: I missed you too.
M: Baby...

All they have is love...

Find all LSS here

[Long story short] Four

2007-04-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

The next summer, they were on the beach again. M and J. Holding each other. Ah, what it means to believe in love!...

M: You inspire me.
J: I've been told...
M: Modesty. Not your style, huh?
J: You are so foolish... We're all so, so foolish...
M: Forever and a day, you and I...

J: Just you
M: YES!
J: King and queen of the world
M: You make loving fun, fun, fun!
J: I wouldn't mind getting in between the sheets with you...
And they kept spinning and spinning...

Last year:
M: So, what do we do?
J: What do we always do?
M: Fight? he remembered
J: That too, but...
M: I want...
J: To spend a holiday in your arms.
M: To make chocolate cake with you. Do you think we have time?
J: Mmm, chocolate...
M: I've been thinking...
J: Do you realize we've been together four months?
M: That's...
J: So much...
M: Where did they go? he cried.
He was sad.
J: Don't. Please, don't.
M: I don't want to go. I don't want to have to leave, ever. Leave you, leave all of this...
J: You're not leaving me. You're not.
But he wasn't there. His tears were racing down on his cheeks.
J: Please, stop! What's wrong? Please, stop!
M: I can't stop. I can't stop loving you, he tried to smile his way out of it.
J: You don't have to stop. Listen to me, you don't have to... it won't be long before we see each...
He passed out.

Hours later...
M: I'm such a fool.
J: We're all fools...
M: I can't bare it. I can't handle leaving you. I can't...
She took his hands and wrapped them around her waist. She held his head and pressed it on her chest.
J: Listen to this, she said, if you won't listen to me!
His tears disappeared, suddenly. He was there. But, then again, he wasn't there. He was...

Hours later...
J: M, my feet are numb. We've been staying like this for a while... can you let me move, just a bit?
But he didn't reply. She freaked out...
J: M, can you hear me?
She pushed him away and grabbed his face with her palms. No, he wasn't dead... thank God! He was just sleeping.
J: But... but... we're in the...
... park, she was about to say. But what's the use? He was smiling, in his sleep. He fell asleep with a smile...

She didn't want to sleep. She didn't want to close her eyes. She looked up, at the sky, her eyes all a reflection of the thousands of stars out there. He was there, with her...
How could he faint? How could he cry like that? How could the sky be so dark?
Suddenly, without realizing what she was doing, she stood up and stared at him. Time passed. He was there. He was there, with her... and he wasn't going to be there soon. He was going away. Will he come back? Will he still love me?
But their love was... so...
She walked. Slowly, away from him. She was crying now, too, and she started to run. And she ran till her legs couldn't stand it anymore. Her eyes full of tears, her breath horribly rushed, her heart wanting to explode.
J: But he was there, with me... HE WAS THERE!!! she yelled
Then she made a decision. One that would change her whole life...

It was almost morning. She ran for hours. But, finally, she was there: a jewelry shop.
J: Hi.
X: Hello, can I help you?
J: Yes, I'm here to get an engagement ring. Well, two... For me and my... future...
But she stopped. X could see, she had tears in her eyes.
X: Let me help you. What are you looking for?
J: Just show me what you have.
She knew. That second she knew that just by seeing them, she would know which pair to pick.
But X couldn't help wondering why her face was sad, and why she cried so heavily. She looked tired, worn out, but glowing.
J: Please tell me you know what you're doing!
X: What's that?
J: Oh, she blushed, I was just... talking to myself.
X: Here's what we have. I'd recommend...
But X stopped. Her eyes were glowing, she saw what she was looking for.
J: Blue. How much are these?
When she heard the price, she collapsed on the floor.
J: How on Earth could I afford that?
She was hearing voices. She was in doubt. She was... thinking of him.
J: I need them tonight. Now. Is there any conceivable way that I can pay for them later?
Probably all her life.
X looked at her. Couldn't possibly do this to the girl, couldn't say no.
X: Okay, here's how it is. You give me what you have now, and leave me your ID. Then you can pay the rest some other day, but soon.
J: Okay, she thought.
Maybe he wouldn't take it and she'll just bring it back... but no, she mustn't think like that. Today, now, she will get to him. And they will say those words...
X: There you go.
J: Here's my ID.
X: You have a great day, okay? And try smiling sometime.
J: Thank you, and there was a faint trace of one.

He woke up.
M: Where is she? to himself
She had never left him before. And he was cold, he was tired, he was... leaving in two days.
M: Excuse me, sir, what time is it? he asked a stranger
But then, he saw her, and forgot to hear the answer to his question. She was running. So was he.
J: You. We need to talk.
He could see - she cried all night.
J: We have to...
She took a deep breath.

One day, one time, there was a he and a she. They were in love. And he was leaving, but not for good. That day, he promised her that he'll be with her again, soon, so, so soon. And what's a couple of years when you compare them with a lifetime of togetherness?
Nothing.

That moment, something got into her. She wanted to do this, and she wanted to do it right, and funny, and lovely like he made her feel. He told her she was beautiful, everyday, and sometimes she felt it was too often, but never dared to tell him.
She called him baby, everyday, and sometimes he felt it was too often, but never dared to tell her.
She took off her jacket and laid it in front of her. She knelt down, and pulled out a small little box from her back pocket.
J: I think I have to ask you something.
He was stunned. He was... smiling. For the first time in a long time.
M: I think I want to hear you out, he almost whispered.
J: It took just four months for me to know. Sometimes, when I think of you, I see a house, a dream, a life, the magic place I want to spend my life in. I walk into that house, and it's you. It's all you. You're the one who built it, you're the one who made it come to life. It's your heart - my house. And I feel at home in there. And I'm here, today, kneeling on a jacket in front of you, to ask you this...
his mouth was open...
J: Will you, M, marry me?

That night:
J: Sometimes, the answer is in the sky... but there's no stars up there without you next to me. You're taking all the stars.

That day, very late, he took her home. Then, he went to the jewelry store - the one they both knew, the one she must have visited.
M: That should cover it. And, please, when she comes here, just give her this...

A cube.
On the front face, there were two giraffes, holding hands, staring at each other, and a big "YES!" right between them.

M: ... oh, and, please, show it to her this face first!
And he walked away, thinking he'll see her again, soon, and thinking of her goodbye words: You inspire me...

When she woke up there was a chocolate cake on her bed. Her name was spelled with whipped cream, and under it there was a phrase: "Forever and a day, you and I"

Find all LSS here

Sometimes

2007-04-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, every touch is too much. Sometimes, anything you do just gets things more and more complicated. When losing yourself in trying to do what's best, when forgetting how important it is to live your life, when asking for too much from too many people, that's sometimes.
Sometimes is everything and sometimes is all the time...

Sometimes I was in Romania and at this time of the day I was getting ready. For what? To go "sa luam lumina" ([RO] "to be enlightened"), with family. Sometimes, I took the SATs and called the dearest person in the world right after, to reveal the news. "How was it? How was it?"...
Sometimes I cry when I should laugh. Or smile.
Sometimes I'm sad when I should be happy.
Sometimes I'm selfish when I should give.
Sometimes I defend myself from an imaginary attack. Sometimes I imagine I have too many problems, when, in fact, I have none...

Sometimes is everything and sometimes is all the time...

Sometimes I lose it, sometimes I get a grip and hold on 'till it hurts too bad. Sometimes I feel the world has come to an end. Yet sometimes I wake up and life is pink. Pink...ish. Sometimes I write a post at 9:07PM on Saturday, April 07.

Sometimes I fear I'm just not able to defeat my own fears. And sometimes I fear I am.
I live a life, don't I? I live a life for you. And, believe it or not, I want the same things for us. Believe it or not, I wish we'd stop being sad and just be happy; so, so, so happy with what we have. I know you, I really do, and I know that these are just hard times. and we are growing up...
Sometimes I feel we've got too long to go. And then I see you, and for an hour or two I forget what time is. That's when it's never too long.

Sometimes, I forget that living life means living your own. And, of course, most of the times I'm dumb. Or dumbfounded. Hear me now, for, on Easter eve, I find little peace. On Easter eve I miss all there is to miss.

Yet I am not sad. Nor am I discouraged. Why, oh Lord, is that?

Could it be because of you? Have you become so much? I think, I feel you did. My life has changed. My life has stopped and started since that day. And now it's on. And I know who I am, thanks to us. Thanks to you, and thanks to me. And thank God.

On this day, I say to you: Happy Easter. On this day, I find peace, the inner peace that we know. And by this time tomorrow, I'm dreaming of a time of serenity, cause you are "o oaza de lumina" ([RO] an oasis of light) for me. And I, for you. And we shall meet and remember. And feel. And live. There's life to be lived. There's things to be done. There's all I am and all you are...

Sometimes I write poems. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I fall in love. But love doesn't hurt. I might hurt. And for what?

Sometimes you hit your head. "Is it still round?" I ask. You laugh.

Sometimes I see my friends. And, for a moment, I remember it all over again: Why? Why is it worth it? Because... sometimes.

Sometimes it's just too hard. Sometimes the only way out seems like giving up. And, for a moment, I remember it all over again: Why? Why is it worth it? Because... sometimes.

"Here's a riddle for you! Find the answer! There's a reason for the world..."

Sometimes, I see what I do. What I want to do. Sometimes I feel I'll blow up. But then I remember it all over again. Why? Because... sometimes.

Love. Passion. Faith. Hope. Ambition. Will. Strength. Desire. Interest. Belief. All in one... me? Sometimes I lose it. Sometimes I don't. Aren't we all sometimes?

Sometimes is every time. Sometimes is everything. Sometimes is you and me. So, heh, let's be!

"Sometimes I run
Sometimes I hide
Sometimes I'm scared of you
But all I really want is to hold you tight
Treat you right
Be with you day and night
Baby all I need is time"
(Britney Spears - Sometimes)

Sometimes I need someone to hold. You.
Sometimes you want to run away. Sometimes I do, too.
Sometimes I fight: This sometimes is all the time.
Sometimes I do not love: This sometimes is never.
All I really want... I've already got, haven't I?

"Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it
Sometimes I wished I could walk away
Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it through
But you know I'm gonna do it anyway"
(Roger Alan Wade - Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it)

Sometimes I learn, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I'm here, sometimes I'm there. I can see or I'm just blind. I believe or I give up. Sometimes is happy-sad. Bittersweet. Pink...ish... But "I'm gonna do it anyway"!

His story:

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in." (Ricky Fitts, American Beauty)

Mine:
There's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes I am.
There's so much beauty in the world. And so much love... so much feeling in the world...
Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I'm not going to. Because, in the end, sometimes is every time. And I don't want to give up. Don't judge, simply reason: nothing is every time. Nothing is everything. Everything is sometimes (or something, if you will), all the time. And that's just it: believe me or not, don't judge.

Sometimes we are. Sometimes we're... not.
And sometimes all you can do is pray. Hope. Love. Faith.

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope
(Mandy Moore - Only hope)

Sometimes we think we can do it alone. But sometimes we can't. Come here, talk to me. I'm here... I'm listening.
Sometimes, it's better to just let it out... let me hear it, let me hear from you, all of you.
This is my end song...

"Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and anyone
You're hard enough

You don't have to put up a fight
You don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches
For you tonight

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to do it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

We fight all the time
You and I...that's alright
We're the same soul
I don't need...I don't need to hear you say
That if we weren't so alike
You'd like me a whole lot more

Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don't have to do it alone

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own"
(U2 - Sometimes you can't make it on your own)

And here I was, thinking that sometimes I won't write about you...

CrazYly

2007-04-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

Starting today, I wanna try a crazy wacky thing each day. And for those who really care, don't worry, it won't imply risking my life in any way, or doing "something bad", I swear, I'll be good and careful! :)
If you've got ideas or suggestions, or just wanna tell stuff that you tried on your own, you're welcome to join me!
In the spirit of adventure, no?...

Warm wishez!
Oh, and, I'll post a story soon... It's waiting to come out of me.

[Long story short] Three

2007-03-03T21:59:00.000-08:00

M: Sometimes I feel that no matter what I do I'll never even have the chance to begin my "project" in this world. There's always something missing. For some reason, when I can think it, me, when I realize what I want to do here, with my little piece of this puzzle called The Universe, I'm overwhelmed. And I feel that I have known, thought, understood and felt so much of this place, and yet so little...
J: I love you, you know...
M: The world is a fascinating place...
J: You think the world is one whole?
M: One lonely whole?...

J: Yeah, like one... lonely... whole...
M: I love you too, baby.
J: Baby...
M: What do you see when you look around you? Are things there, is anything happening?
J: It might be a dream. But I would be sad only shortly, if it was, cause, after all, it's a dream with you...
M: That scares me. What you just said. That makes it possible for us to be just brains in a jar. If man were given what he needs I don't think he could believe that the world is not real, I really think he would have to struggle against his own self to believe that it's an illusion.
J: Sometimes I get the feeling that you're living at a totally different level from me. And then I remember how much of you I have (pointing at her heart) in here. And then I know we're on the same level. The fact that I can feel everything about you, that I can even know and understand it, always makes me speechless. I dunno what to say...
M: Sometimes when I look at someone I desire full perception, I want to intrude inside of that person and see the world through his or her eyes. And I want that so much that I can almost feel it's real. I'm not sure if it's even close to the actual thing, but, to some extent, that doesn't even matter.
J: Yeah, because, in fact, you can never know for real, with your mind, what the inside of the other is like. That's why you should always listen carefully and not judge - cause you don't know. And I guess the only way we work in this world is by giving meaning to things, even if they don't have one. Even if it's the wrong meaning.
She took off her top.
J: See? This is a bra, right. But, in itself, it wouldn't exist if it weren't for us, human beings. The only reason this object means a bra to me is because I think of what a bra is, and my concept of it is mine alone. Someone who hasn't seen one doesn't know what it is.
M: I've seen one.
He smiled.
J: (smiling) Yes, you have, and you can have this one, she said, walking towards him and throwing it.
M: I love it when we talk philosophy before...
J: Before what?
(silence)
M: When I think of what matters to me I've got a dilemma: is it you, is it love, or is it simply everything in the world, but with you on top?
J: (climbing on top of him) Ya playin' with me, boy?
M: No... He was laughing. No. I mean that, are we the reason for the world?
J: That's a riddle we can never solve, isn't it? All I know is...
M: All we know is, dear.
J: All we know is that we can't help loving each other.
M: Right. Maybe love is such a thing that you can't even realize when you're feeling it. Cause I feel that I've got no problem in the world. Yet, I cannot comprehend what I feel about you. I think of you, I picture you, and you're so familiar that I can't feel anything except that you're a part of me.
J: That's strange. When I think of you, when I imagine you, I feel you inside too. Hey, you're right... is this real?
M: Yeah, see, cause it's inside. Everything is inside, we're reducing the world. Or, maybe it's transcendence?
J: Well, real or imaginary, it's a story, our story, and as long as I am you and I, and you are you and I, I can honestly say that I'm happy. Not that I'm not going to make something of myself, or live for myself as well, but, in a way, I can't just for myself. I'm addicted to you... Her breath was so close now that he could feel her warm exhale.
M: You know what Nietzsche said about relying on God? I feel that every one of us should try, as much as possible, to make it on his own, or, at least, not expect help from God. Help from others, yes. And if there's a heaven up there, you and I will meet again. But, regardless of that, there's a heaven down here, there's a life here that we have to live.
J: And I know best how wrong running away from this life is. Now shut up and kiss me!
She was anxious. This was their first time on the beach. She pressed her lips onto his.
---

J: Why are we here?
They were touching, side by side. Lying on the sand. Staring at the sky. The sunset...
M: You and I?
J: No. We... all...
M: We're here to live, and even that might not be true. I'm here to make a big difference, I have my ambitions...
J: Maybe I could change the way people are seen and understood, you know? I'm not that smart, but...
M: Stop it. Any human being on this planet could do quite a lot for the world. Even a bunch of little things! Little things make a big difference. And no, actually you are smart.
J: Why do you believe in me so much?
M: I don't... I believe in me, and (smiling) it just "happened" that you're (pointing at his heart) around, too.
J: Right. Wise ass.
---
J: There's so many unanswered questions...
M: Yeah...
J: You know that cliche about listening to your heart? It's true. That's where the answers lie.
M: The dreams. The beliefs. The hopes. The ideas. Everything has to do with our heart in the end. And...
J: ...and even if it might be just a part of our mind, or something, living is so connected to feeling that, that... you just can't live without...
M: You can, but...
J: Love.
M: That's the key. Love and you won't be afraid. Love is everything. "If there's no love, there's nothing!" ([RO] M. Preda, "Cel mai iubit dintre pamanteni")
They cuddled. It was much past time to sleep, but their eyes were widely open.
J: The sky is beautiful tonight.
---

M: Sleep well, angel...
J: You're my angel!
M was slightly blushing.

Find all LSS here

Deconfusing the confusion inside

2007-02-23T17:57:00.000-08:00

Time. Time. So little time. Yet time is so slow...
I miss...
I want time to go faster now and then stop. But wait, it is so. It stops when I see you... it stops and then something fills me up. With love, hope, faith. I...

I miss me. I miss you. I miss the past, present, and future within us. I miss everything. And I'm so tired that it barely hurts. And I'm smiling, you know, the beautiful smile; I feel so alive!

---

You fight with yourself for something for so long, and think that you'll keep it up, keep believing, keep fighting, and when you succeed you don't know what to say. How to react. Nothing. Nothing!
I am naked in front of you, and I don't even know if I want to cover myself or to let you see...

---

I'm not sure I'm ready for this. How would I know when I'm ready? Every night I go to sleep without knowing what I'll be feeling the morning after. I wake up and wonder what happened that night, where was I, where were you, where we were...

---

Breaking away from a world is hard. But coming back might be even harder, no matter how much faster it could be...

---

Fragments. Pieces. Of the same puzzle? Hope so.
That's what I've got. And I can't put them together. What's missing?

---

Thank God life gives me this chance: to wait for everything to come to me and make me feel and think again, to wait for the Universe to find me again; not that I've lost myself, but I must be somewhere very dim. Somewhere... in the dark. It seems that I just can't find the will to look inside of me, anymore. And tomorrow I'll wake up feeling differently...

---

There are days when I can't focus on anything. There are periods of time that fly by, and then I look back and think something like: "wow, where did the last hour go?" Sometimes I'm in class. Or at home. In the car. In bed. Taking a shower. Eating. Dreaming. Walking. Feeling. Thinking. Being...
Everywhere I am I can't be without you. Yet this strikes me so bad, so big that I'm almost blind. I can still remember, I can try to feel everything I felt once again, but it will never be the same.
Should it? I don't know. But I feel it shouldn't. I think we're supposed to make a new path for ourselves now. To find... a new way. More our way than it ever was before. Our hopes, our dreams, our ambitions. Our plans (yep, we don't have many actual 'plans', but...). Our lives... our whole lives are just beginning. And all that is so new and so exciting, and so big... that I'm not sure I can even begin to comprehend it.
It's overwhelming!

---

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone with myself so I can be with you.

---

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Alone with myself.

---

Sometimes I just want to be alone. Alone. Without myself...

---

Sometimes...

---

Pupi.

---

I would love to read you, think you, feel you. Write me, anything. (And yes, I'm writing to you. Don't wonder who! If you're reading this, I'm writing to you!)
Maybe you don't realize this but I'm helpless. I'm so helpless that I'll keep writing you even if you hate me. Even if you ignore me. I'll always be here. Here for you...

---

I realize my life means a couple of things first and many many many many many others after that. A while ago, I think I was in 11 grade (so that makes it 3 years ago almost), I wrote about what means most to me in this life. There were three things: being needed/loved(1), knowledge(2), creativity/nature(3). Here's a short explanation about each of them:
1. "In viata de pe pamant, excluzand viitorul meu ca fiinta spirituala, suflet, in Rai sau Iad, prima mea prioritate este sa ma simt necesar." (In my earthly life, excluding my future as a spiritual being, or my soul, in Heaven or Hell, my first priority is to feel I'm necessary.)
2. "E pe locul doi, fiindca fara cunoastere nu pot indeplini prima parte."(Second place because without knowledge I cannot fulfill the first part.)
"Cunoasterea aici cuprinde cateva domenii mari si late: psihologia umana, pe primul loc, la mare distanta de urmatoarele (era inainte, iar acum s-au apropiat celelalte), informatica, matematica, engleza, practica materiala (prin asta se intelege cat de bine ma descurc de unul singur cu materialismul [adica generic vorbind banii, sau gatitul, s.a.]). "(Here, knowledge embraces a couple of big areas: human psychology, first, followed by computer science, math, english, and practical stuff (anything materialistic [e.g. cash, cooking, etc.]).)
3. "Creativitatea consta la mine in randamentul folosirii resurselor." (Creativity, from my perspective, includes the ratio/efficiency with which I use my capabilities.) To put it simple, the outside brought inside through the first two, the way I see the world resonate with my own self.
*** Excerpted from an old chapter

It's interesting, for me, to notice that even since back then I knew a lot about who I am. It's amazing that, to some extent, I am that same guy. And what's also a big thing is how the first is the only independent part of myself that always surfaces, through anything. I believe in love... I believe in love as a reason to be here, in a way. And anytime I don't quite get why I am this way, something happens, and It shows me again. It who? Dunno. The Universe, God? One and the same, maybe...
Whenever the course of events lets me down, the second and third parts of me came to the aid of the first one. And each one depends on the ones above it... which is why the first one is ... everything :)
Even though I'm essentially the same, some things changed...

The "new" me:
1. Love. Hope. Faith. (it changed the orientation compared to "the old number 1")
2. Knowledge. Spirit. Will. (Metaphysical) desire.
3. The world as an opportunity. The Universe as the "other". The purpose of everything else.

1. Although my reason for being is not only this, love, hope and faith are essentially the three things that make me... me. I believe I'm made to live life as everything, get involved as much as I can, put my heart in it and not take it back. Live it till the end. That's love. Hope... hope that I will make it through. "Hope is what makes us wake up in the morning", says a famous quote, hope is what one needs to believe in love during those hardest moments. Faith is what you need when everything else fails. Do you know that song: "Have a little faith in me"? Sometimes, love hurts, hope is almost nothing, and we run away. And then faith kicks in, as the last drop in the ocean... the last piece of you above sea level, perhaps. This trio is not mine, originally, but it's now a part of me. I know it's also in the bible, but, as it happens with me all the time, the people I care most about bring me my beliefs. This also works the other way: my beliefs bring around people I can bond with most. I think this happens to many of us, honestly...

2. All those are intertwined into a strong... web. Knowledge encompasses my unceasing curiosity, cause I almost never get sick of learning new things, understanding life, and feeling my own reality, or imagining other people and their world.
Spirit is the tiny thread that climbs on the ladder of life, on its way swirling around other spirits, yours perhaps, maybe, actually hopefully finding a dear company, and pushing forward through the web of the Universe...
Will is... not so much free will, but will as the strength and ambition to move on through life, the part that is possible because of the LHF.
The (metaphysical) desire is strongly connected to all the first three.
Metaphysical = Literally, beyond the physical realm, beyond that which we can realize or discover with our five senses. Also, a branch of philosophy which studies the “beingness” or inherent nature of reality. (Google definition)
Don't think of desire in the literal term of wanting something to posess. Rather, desire in the metaphysical sense means wanting to give yourself to that something or someone, making you a part of it, instead of grabbing and pulling it towards you. This may sound generic or too broad, so you can imagine a metaphysical desire as the reward of you meaning more than just yourself, the spiritual significance of, say, the cup you drank milk in every day when you were a kid. If you can give yourself to something/someone without expecting anything in return, you remain there, and you gain so much more. Because, see, whenever you expect return, you are actually less, regardless if you receieve it or not! I'll write about this soon, only I haven't researched enough. But if you want to look into it, read about intentionality and psychism, works by Francisco Romero and Emmanuel Levinas.

3. This is kind of equivalent to the creativity I chose before. The idea is that the Universe is here and it gives me the opportunity to be a part of it. Thus, I intend to look at it as if it were at least as great as I am, and give it at least big a chance as it gives me. So to speak, the "other" is not to be reduced to "myself", by similarity or anything else. That is disconsidering the whole nature of the Universe. I'm not sure I can even comprehend what the Universe means, much less make sense of its little parts. At least I should not disrespect it. And the impossibility of KNOWING something entirely is a source of infinite creativity. I hope you understand this.
I'm still not sure of how to explain and fit in my belief that, even though you can't KNOW something entirely, you can FEEL it. Or him/her... It's a naive belief, perhaps, but I feel that, even though our senses are limited, there is a... way... special way, through which you can really be something else... someone else... oh and that sounds so beautiful to me... I'm such a romantic kid!

So, this is where my reasoning ends today, and here's another part of me heading out to you...

One of those moods

2007-02-16T23:00:00.000-08:00

Wednesday
I'm at school. I'm just in one of those moods after the philosophy course. As I was listening to the teacher lecturing us on Francisco Romero's philosophy...

He also got into Kierkegaard, Derrida, Descartes, Husserl, Hegel, etc.
Kierkegaard said "Subjectivity is untruth".
Quote
Subjectivity, inwardness, is the truth. Is there a still more inward expression for this? Yes, there is. If subjectivity is seen as the truth, we may posit the opposite principle: that subjectivity is untruth, error. Socratically speaking, subjectivity is untruth if it fails to understand that subjectivity is truth and desires to understand itself objectively. But now we are presupposing that subjectivity in becoming the truth has a difficulty to overcome in as much as it is in untruth. So we must work backwards, back to inwardness. Socratically, the way back to the truth takes place through recollection, supposing that we have memories of that truth deep within us.
EndQuote
- from here

In the analysis of truth, Romero discusses the psychism: intentional and pre-intentional. This got me thinking about the implications of philosophy itself, for some reason, and I questioned myself: "Why do I enjoy every course so much?" What I found is that philosophy offers a perspective to interpret everything around it. Like a series of schemes, each designed to interpret and justify that interpretation of reality. Obviously, the way we conceive the world is crucial in our attitude towards is. Such as I have sort of decided to take as many philosophy courses as I can afford, and read as much of it as I can. Hopefully I'll stand by this decision and I'll make it a rule to read philosophy whenever I've got time.

Though I already found my way, I'm at a point in my life when everything is confusing due to the horrendous number of meanings I can find. Now that I know my way, I am open to any thinking, I'm looking for the surroundings of my path, so to speak, looking for what I'm supposed to be looking for in my journey. I want to recognize what I'm interested in, and for this, philosophy is the best means. Realizing this, I'm slowly shifting some of my attention from the scientific evolution perspective to the philosophical perspective, a.k.a. our humble existence on Earth.

---
Thursday
Okay, now I'm home. And I could write forever. I've managed to let out what I've forcefully held in for so long it was almost bursting out of me. And I feel so much better. Yet I still need to write, more and more. When will it end?

Yesterday I read in philosophy how after an object exists for a certain period of time, and people observe it, attribute meaning to it, make it part of their culture - then the object gains an existence in itself. That's another way to express the power of creation in human beings - amazing!

It's so wonderful to learn how to feel again after a time when you were numb. The best things in my life always happened after a very depressing, boring, or monotonous period of time. Maybe best in contrast would be the right way to call it, though I'm pretty sure that fate made it such that those great times were also very great in themselves...
I've got so many thoughts and in such a random order. Yep, that's me. Always confusing my reader without the intention to do so. Let me see...

---

It's funny how it takes so much work to close your heart, and a single second can open it up again.
The life within our soul is much more than life. We, as human beings, are capable of things that we can barely understand...

And maybe some of you dislike or misjudge this difference I point out between mind and soul. Maybe you think of the human being as just mind. Or mind and heart (well, where the soul is, although not exactly). Or mind, soul/heart, and spirit. Or just spirit. Whichever way, think of the soul as the part of you that feels and travels through those feelings. The spirit is somehow more general and rather not contained within ourselves, usually regarded as a guardian or a presence above our heads maybe. The mind is the easiest of all, right?

...So, I was saying, our soul is capable of much more than our mind thinks. The secret is (listen to this one) to not take yourself seriously. Every time you make a big fuss about the sudden feeling you've had, you're probably going to fail to understand it. Why is that?
It's interesting to notice that over involvement, tumultuous activity inside of yourself makes you feel so much alive (in the sense that time passes so much slower), but it also makes you see less of the actual soul you possess. Most of the times when you try to think about what you're feeling, you're practically looking for signs and question your heart about what it's doing. Blah blah blah, why are you feeling like this and that?

Want to know a secret? That's not the way to do it! Whenever you would like to understand yourself and your feelings better, open your heart to the "what if" and just put your mind aside, observe what your heart does, what it feels. Follow it.
Of course that may sound absurd. I mean, where's myself if I follow my heart? Is the heart its own entity? No. Of course not. The heart is the nucleus of our deepest feelings and our intricate design always ends with it. It's the center of our inner life and as long as you listen to it - the heart, a part of yourself which you cannot completely control (even though you'd so much like to, sometimes) - you will not just be happy, you will know thyself, what you represent, which way is your wind blowing and what to expect. Since, with evolution, human beings have gotten so complex, it is predictable to see that now so few people understand their hearts and get to think "hey, screw the heart, I can do so much more with my mind." No, you can't. You can control the heart more than the mind, yes. But that only means that others can do so in your place too. What do you make of that? If you like to be in control, you have to learn how to communicate with yourself. Because, just as you can't force someone else to feel, think or do something, you can't force yourself, or at least not without losing what you once had. Being in control is a good thing only if you don't cross some certain boundaries. If you're trying to control everything, even if it's just about yourself, you're not doing very well.
Let's put it this way. Can you recreate yourself? No! God can. God gave you these complex heart and mind to deal with, so unless you're God, you better get used to the idea that you're not almighty. No, only God is omnipotent. Hence, stop trying to have everything under control, you will almost certainly fail, every time. Knowing yourself is not an act of being bossy, of challenging yourself and following your own orders. You have to agree with yourself, to love yourself, to be patient with yourself and care about your own existence. It's also all part of what the society nowadays tends towards - freedom of the individual. If other times it was more important for groups to be free, now the focus lies on the individual: same-sex marriages, more rights for every citizen, equality, freedom of opinion, acceptance, and the list can go on (I just don't read the news:D)...
Care for yourself.

I just recently found out that the one girl in this world right for me will be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very hard to find. And to get. And to keep. And the reason I believe all that is because she has to have a couple of things that 99.9999999 of the people in this world don't have. She has to be capable of love, and understand how much that means and how much a part of oneself it becomes once present. She has to be able to live without me. She has to believe in me, at least half of how much I believe in her. She has to believe in love. And in people. She has to love people. And the world. I'm not even gonna start with the smart, cute, and adorable kinda things.
And then, I'd really really want her to have long hair. Love walks in the park, rain, snow, sunsets and sunrises; she should know how to be a kid but be able to act as an adult, and capable of doing the right things when the situation calls for it. She should be selfish enough not to let me go without a last kiss, and selfless enough to tell me everything she feels even if it hurts me like hell. She is everything. Have I already met her? I don't know. How do you know when you've met the girl of your life? You don't. You just feel it... I guess that relates to what I wrote above... I feel it now and I hope that she will stay.

---
Friday
I'm just in one of those moods when I don't know what the next word I type will be. It just comes straight out. Here. And here. And here. Wow. That's fast. That's me... thinking... How fast could I be thinking? Sometimes when I wrote something I was so inspired that I knew, ahead with a few paragraphs, what I was going to write. I was so desperately concentrated on what I was writing because I didn't want to forget that last paragraph. It was the key scene. The thing of the things. Here, now, I have no plan. I'm just hoping this goes somewhere.

The way I figure it, someday, somehow, I will re-read my writings and - cling! - I'll have THE IDEA. The idea of a best-seller. THE BOOK I've always wanted to write but never before did. Gosh, I pray I'm right. Speaking of praying, I believe in God more and more lately. Could God be an entity that life teaches you exists, and those who don't believe in Him just ignore the signs? It's a definite possibility. Signs. I believe in signs too. They're not coincidences. It's all part of the reason you have to be patient with yourself, spend time and care about your inner being. Yet I'm always open to your point of view. So tell me, don't be silent. Silence is not golden on my blog.

Did I forget who I am? I think not. It doesn't feel like I did. But why, then, do I have trouble remembering what I thought yesterday? Wait. I lost my trail of thoughts. I forgot. I was going to write about a lot of things and now it just feels like I've only one thing to talk about. L - O - V - E.

---

What do you see when you see what I see? What do you see when I see what you see?

This picture makes me shiver. It's called "Don't be afraid little girl", and I'm the type who gives credit, so, I got it from here, by MessedUpMind.
That's what I thought about a lot lately. The fear. Of life. Of distances. Of obstacles. What's fear, anyway? Can we defeat it? Some famous quote says "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear." (Mark Twain) Fear is what? Not understanding? Not believing in yourself? Not thinking ahead? Most of the times you are not wrong to believe in yourself. You are wrong to believe in things blindly. If you're blind about yourself, you might be wrong. But don't be. Stare at yourself in the mirrow. What do you see? Are you afraid, little girl? Or little boy. This picture has so much meaning, I don't even need to tell you anthing else. You can see for yourself, in yourself, can't you? (whadda ya know, the title of my blog)

---

No matter how confused I am, I've still learned something today. A lot of things. Right now I'm just thinking about one. Concerning myself. I've found a new passion: I want to meet, know, and understand people. Another disturbing discovery, for what could I be? A shrink? A therapist? I feel not only I can help people and understand them, but I can relate to most of them as well. I can bond with someone in a few minutes. And, whatever you're thinking, no, it does not imply any lying, cheating, or pretending. I've just been through a lot. At least, for my age. And I think this, somehow, states the new future of youngsters. They will have to deal with more and more, grow up faster, live as kids for a longer period of time. I think this is already happening in the US, more than anywhere else perhaps. People here all seem very young, at heart, so un-challenged. It's like they haven't yet had to deal with the hardships that other people have had to fight through.
It's sad, if you ask me, all people having to grow up faster. And work. Assume responsibilities. More and more countries in the world are beginning to employ teens for easy jobs. And even hard ones. I don't think that is right... I think we're trying to accelerate the world towards something we don't even know yet, and submitting our young to such a risk is not only irresponsible, but foolish, stupid, and unfair. Why should they have to go through all that? Why should the adult individual have increasingly more free time and the youngsters have less and less? Think about it, what's the best time of your life? Your 50's? I doubt it. At least for most people. But, anyway, this is a very big issue... too much to talk about just on a simple blog post. The pressures on the teenager nowadays are huge. Read Christoph Dufosse's Sfarsitul Orelor (L’heure de la sortie, School’s out) to get a picture of it. A strange picture of it.

---

I want to learn. I want to master three wholly different areas. I want to be... as close to THE TRUTH as I can be. Yet that is not what I desire. I believe in love. And as long as I can, I will fight for it. Sure, there might be times when I give up, times when I can't handle THE TRUTH as a whole, when I only choose one side, like most of us humans do, and live with it, for a while. But, see, I think it's best to realize as much of anything as you can. To be able to accept someone else's interpretation. To really put your heart into it, and try to see it not only through the other's eyes, but through his mind and heart as well. To believe in the other like he was yourself. That's how Kant said we should treat others anyway, isn't it? As "ends in themselves, not as means to an end." How many times do you hear the phrase "Oh, if only someone could see it like I see it", "if only someone could see it through my eyes." It=life, love, the ocean, the sunset, the world, the passion, the excitement, the smell or taste even. How many times have you wished someone could live inside of you for a while and see everything through your eyes?
To me, really knowing and understanding something means knowing as many sides of its truth as possible. Yes. And then living it. And, pratically, you can never know every side => You can never know the truth. Which reminds me of a quote:
"1. Never tell everything at once." (Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life).
You can never know everything. The truth. But you can feel it. That's how we're made, I think, to understand life better by living it, feeling it, being every moment. But that's not carpe diem. It's all part of being crazy responsibly. Doing what you do and not forgetting yourself along the way. And your responsibilities. And your beliefs. Your top three. Mine? Love, hope, faith (these three words have changed my life).

I am alive. And I am so glad to be alive that I can't actually describe it. What have I done today? Facts, there are so few I can barely count them. (Which reminds me, funny. Do you think that counting up to three is done so rarely that you'd actually have to think a bit to remember how to do it? I can't remember the last time I counted.) But what I realized is an entirely different thing. I am so glad to be in my shoes right now. I love the Universe. And how it works. And how lucky I am. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to have stories to tell, and now I think I do. I have the story of my life, which is very beautiful to me, and that is enough. I thank God for this day. I thank God for this story. And I thank you for being a part of it. This is so exciting! Oh wow!

---

I've thought about doing some pretty wacky things. And now's the perfect time to think and talk about them again. I wanna try bungee jumping. I wanna try sky diving. Scuba diving too, maybe. I wanna jump using a parachute. Drive at 200 miles per hour. Make love on an airplane. Visit an ice-water hotel (that is, a hotel made of ice). Ski. Pop a really big balloon. See a shark live. Spend a night on the bottom of Grand Canyon. Shoot with a bow and arrow. Be hypnotized. Kiss upside down. French. Jump from the second floor (or as high as possible without hurting myself). Eat on someone else's body, heh. Tear clothes. Sleep in a cave. Watch the rain lying down, on the ground. See an avalanche. Hug a tree - this one I did, but I'd do it again. Build a really big snowman. There's also a couple of weird things I'd like to try. And also some things with meeting people. I love to see people's reactions to what I do, and I mean that not in a "hey lemme test this bomb on this guy" way, but in a "i feel like being this way now" way. Get it? There's so much I can barely stop. I wanna try myself. Challenge myself. Prove myself that I can do so much. And that's not just for me. Right now, it's not just for me. But I want to be my own entity, even if I feel I depend on someone else. We all do, I think. Being happy is not a consequence of self-sufficiency. And, anyway, most people are not sufficient to themselves. If they were, they wouldn't need anything or anyone else in the world. Wow, not even things! Who can be that self-absorbed?

---

I wish I could write a poem now. But I think I will go dream, instead. Dream of a beautiful world. And remember who I am. And why I'm here. And what I can do. I wanna be alive, so much alive! And I'll keep discovering who I am through philosophy. And life, and dreams. It's all too much now, but time will take care of me. It sure will...

---

Wanna read some Romanian language posts about time? See this.

The unexpected

2007-02-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

Quote:
In psychology, there is a concept called learned helplessness, which arose from a series of animal experiments in the nineteen-sixties at the University of Pennsylvania...

... Dogs were restrained by a harness, so that they couldn't move, and then repeatedly subjected to a series of electrical shocks. Then the same dogs were shocked again, only this time they could easily escape by jumping over a low hurdle. But most of them didn't; they just huddled in the corner, no longer believing that there was anything they could do to influence their own fate. Learned helplessness is now thought to play a role in such phenomena as depression and the failure of battered women to leave their husbands, but one could easily apply it more widely. We live in an age, after all, that is strangely fixated on the idea of helplessness: we're fascinated by hurricanes and terrorist acts, and epidemics like SARS - situations in which we feel powerless to affect our own destiny. In fact, the risks posed to life and limb by forces outside our control are dwarfed by the factors we can control. Our fixation with helplessness distorts our perception of risk. "When you feel safe, you can be passive," Rapaille says of the fundamental appeal of the S.U.V. "Safe means I can sleep. I can give up control. I can relax. I can take off my shoes. I can listen to music." For years, we've all made fun of the middle-aged man who suddenly trades in his sedate family sedan for a shiny red sports car. That's called a midlife crisis. But at least it involves some degree of engagement with the act of driving. The man who gives up his sedate family sedan for an S.U.V. is saying something far more troubling - that he finds the demands of the road to be overwhelming. Is acting out really worse than giving up?
EndQuote
Even though the passage mostly relates to driving safety, and how S.U.Vs are much more dangerous than cars - easier to control, the appearance of safety and helplessness is very broad (as the article itself says). It's easy to give up what you believe and adopt something that seems safer or more comfortable. It's easier to just enjoy life and run away because you can't handle it. It's easy to pretend the past never happened, give up, and fight for something new. Or just think of it as "moving on". But is that what we should be doing instead of "acting out"?

---

I've spent a lot of the past weeks trying to understand yet another curiosity about human nature. Also trying to figure out who I am. Looking back, I've changed so much from who I was 4-5 years ago. I'm more confident, more of a believer. Back then I was more of a hoper. And as I looked through my past I've learned one critical aspect of understanding oneself, or anyone else as a matter of fact:
It is much easier to understand someone by understanding what that one is thinking, by looking above the words, and seeing the idea behind the thought, the original launch site. Descending into another being's soul (or mind), or even my own, is a whole process. It's like imagining yourself in a blank room - just white, no shape, no time, no space - and then coloring the surroundings with impressions, ideas, facts, hunches, feelings, anything will do. On the whole, you start to get a picture of who the person is and how that correlates to you - even more likely since you are in the middle of the room. Now, you might not be one of those people that like putting themselves in other people's shoes, but I am. And I love doing it, struggling to understand, feeling what the other is feeling. What's interesting is that 99% of the time this doesn't necessarily have to do anything with analyzing the other person. By actually trying to live in that other world I get such a good picture of it that I don't have to think about his or her inner feelings and thoughts, instead find myself already knowing some of them.

I'm also a believer in self-education. Since probably most of us are twisted human beings, either because of our (often traumatizing) childhood experiences, or surprisingly bad things happening one after the other, or maybe just the plain old go-with-the-flow-forget-who-you-are-along-the-way kind of thing, I strongly promote (slow-)careful-paced self-control and self-manipulation. Even though that may sound evil (>:)) to some of you, it's not... not in the right hands that is. And love yourself. Appreciate yourself. Don't forget that you are most at knowledge of what's inside of you and always exert your ability to see yourself through others - the better you're at it the more confident you will be in what you do. I've recently been told how important it is not to use strong words such as 'never', 'always', 'very'. It's always very important never to forget that :))

Time was slow, life was empty, I guess the beginning is often the hardest part. For a while I thought that the universe was holding me back. Now I see IT has actually been pushing me forward - thank you God, for your blessing. Aside from the sudden boost of energy that I had (I've been sleeping much less because of that, I felt so well rested, amazing!), I've been more determined to fight for myself and to see that I can do anything: without boundaries, without any inhibitions that I might've had when I was younger. Yes, damn it! I am a fighter! And I will keep being who I've always been, I will keep doing the things I've done and start the things I want to do.

Sometimes the best way of arguing something to someone is through that someone's words, through his/her thinking. In writing whatever it is I'm trying to write, I've usually thought that when the target of the essay is "any reader", I can only be myself. And I consider myself a bit better when it comes to person-to-person discussion, perhaps a reason I think I could become a therapist or something similar. Today I've added the "Contact me" link on this blog. You can write me personally... Here's a quote from Terry Pratchett's The Colour of Magic: "... the dimension of the imagination is much more complex than those of time and space, which are very junior dimensions indeed..." Sometimes the best way to understand someone is by abandoning yourself and living through their eyes, through their imagination. That someone might even help you with a good description, heh.

I've taken a math exam today. Quite predictably, last night at 11 p.m. I was still studying for it (typical student attitude, isn't it?), when I noticed how fast I went through the book. It has about 800 pagess. Addmitedly, I didn't go through all of them, yet after an hour I almost did 200. And it took me 4 hours, skipping some chapters too. Of course it can be done faster than that. And I only skipped through, carefully reading all the definitions I found and looking at the hardest exercices (if I could do the hardest, the others wouldn't be a problem, right?). It has been a while since I thought math, or learned anything fast-paced at all, except reading and writing essays. I remembered why I like it so much: I enjoy building up on the skeleton of reasoning - in math's case: math reasoning. It's like a sort of pyramid, you learn and learn and build up until you reach the top. It won't fall if you ommit a couple of bricks along the way, but it would not last that long; nor would it be easier to keep building up afterwards. Try being good at math, then not doing it for quite a while, then coming back, and see how easy it seems to catch up, and how creative it is. That's how it was for me, I was in top shape, really! And I hope I'll pass. It was actually fun. Missed it...

Recently, I was hit by a wall, metaphorically speaking. "Carpe diem" - Live (in) the moment. That's what I hear, that's what I've heard. Unfortunately, this great phrase often has to do with frustration, abandonment, the refusal to fight or the need for plain ol' human enjoyment. I believe we all do it from time to time, whether we like it or not. However, a life lived by such standards is usually very empty - that's the life of a non-believer. What makes people non believers? Failing. Being overpowered. Lost. Exhausted. Underestimating obstacles. Overestimating themselves, or living in a dreamworld for too long. I think this too goes like a roller coaster: the 'downs' are those moments when you just don't believe anything you used to anymore, yet justify every act of yours by the same phrase: "carpe diem", either in this form or in relation to others. Say, time - it's about time I did this, or age - I'm too young for this, or space - the obstacles are too much for me. Then the 'ups' would be those moments when life has so much meaning that you feel it through every inch of your body.
So, my advice to you is: don't "carpe diem" through life for too long, or you'll end up lost and empty. One point of being alive is making a difference, and to believe in making that difference. Wandering around undecided about anything is wasting time. Unless, of course, you are searching for what you're supposed to do (hate this clichee, give me a better one). It's true: life's much more enjoyable if you just take in everything life has to offer, make it a rule not to sacrifice too much or to keep yourself within the limits that you think of yourself as being - those are all killers of the truth, the bigger truth, which, in my opinion, encompasses every little thing there is to know, feel, and understand in this world. I just realised last week how much I believe in love. And that's been true since back then, 4-5 years ago. I believe in devoting yourself to whatever it is that you are involved in, to believe in what you do and follow life with care and involevement. True, there is too much happening and so little room in your mind (or heart, although...) for all of this. Uhm... yeah. NO! Actually, your mind is unlimited, as far as you consider the short life you're gonna live, you are 99% unlikely to ever fill up your head fully. Since we probably use little of our brain for focused thinking and reasoning - because we're lazy, not to talk about memory, you're unlikely to ever run out of space :). So, you can't really put too much brain into it. And the heart is even bigger, as most human beings are capable of a wide range of emotions and remember them to a very great extent. We're fascinating beings, you and me! Really! Be happy for that! Live life. And believe in yourself. And in life. I can't tell you to believe in love, you might feel something else is most important. There might be. There's so much to fight for... and so few fighters.

I want to learn to write with my left hand. It's one of my wishes from childhood actually, cause I was originally left handed, but was sort of forced to write with my right hand. And now I want both. Ambidextrous, that's how it's called.
Too much talk about me, I feel. But I hope that you can see yourself somewhere along these lines. Understanding someone else is a priceless thing sometimes. We can learn something even from the people we least expect to teach us. The moment will come when the unexpected happens. That's life, isn't it?

Myself

2007-02-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a Déjà vu?

Howdy y'all... I've put a new look on this blog, although I said I wouldn't. But, then again, I was lost. Now I might have found myself again, yet I'm confused. A bit. Funny, isn't it?
I also wrote about the design and about me a bit, check out the About me page.

Lately I've asked myself (over and over) Who am I?, and mostly Who am I for you? And I asked others as well. Gee, it's so nice to know that I'm constantly misjudged and misinterpreted by most people around me...

... but I'm sort of asking for it. It takes a long time for someone to get to know me (or at least to think so), and I always end up doing something new and apparently prove them wrong. Again. "I didn't think you were this way..."
This has simultaneously been my excess and my deficiency... a problem and a solution, ability and inability to recognize who I am, more in the eyes of others rather than my own. I know much of who I am, but others don't. I guess it's true for everyone, to some extent, that people see as much of who you are as possible, but almost never all. However, for me, it's weirder than that...

I suffer from Déjà vu (since I was very little), meaning I feel something happening now has previously taken place in the past, in a strange way. Those of you who have had any Déjà vu feeling at all know how it is like. When I was little I was very confused about this and nothing more - I just figured "hey, I must've dreamt about this before", or "this happened yesterday too", but I knew I couldn't exactly point out what it was that made me feel I had been there before, what triggered the feeling. For some periods of time I thought I was paranoid, or weird. There were weeks when I had a Déjà vu each day, which was amazing. Those weeks were golden for inspirational writing and thinking in general. I always thought Déjà vu's helped me figure out a lot of things about myself that otherwise would probably be unknown to me. A Déjà vu is not exactly like a revelation, even though it feels like that a bit. You're somewhere, sometime and a minor detail of what you're seeing, hearing, or feeling in any way triggers your brain - "this happened before", and you start detaching from reality...

... or at least that's how it works for me. And then I think and think, try to look back and remember: where did I stumble upon this again, what happened before that got me here... again. Again is the key word. Hence, with time, I desperately (well, not quite, but a bit) tried to figure out what made me have them, and I feel I've constantly gotten better at it. It's great. For one thing because some of the Déjà vu's revealed that I really had been there before (once I remember walking nearby a bus station with a friend, and a bus with a certain number passed by, which actually DID happen again, and the friend remembered that too), and for another thing I remember events that I dreamt about or places I've imagined previously, which I wouldn't have remembered otherwise. The Déjà vu can also be related to premonitions, since, if you feel that you've experienced something before, you could think you know how's the test you're going to take, or what will be the outcome of a challenge you're about to face. Indeed, I have taken a test which I had dreamt before, and it really didn't feel at all like I'm solving problems for the first time. I thought I remembered each answer instead of making it up, and after the test I really didn't remember what the questions were, but I did remember the answers.

As a matter of fact, it's important to point out my belief in Déjà vu's since it answers my question: Why am I this way?
Intense events that happened when I was a kid have a strong influence in my life now. In this case, it made me question the nature of life, reality, and reason. I believe I'm a very open minded person, and one of the other things that makes me... me is my belief that you can pretty much be any way you want. And the weird things I experienced when I was young make me treat weirder things that happen now with much more understanding. But they also make me much harder to understand in the eyes of others.

I've read on Wikipedia that "Many theorists believe that the memory anomaly occurs when one's conscious mind has a slight delay in receiving perceptive input. In other words, the unconscious mind perceives current surroundings before the conscious mind does. This causes one's conscious self to perceive something that is already in one's memory, even though it was in one's memory only a split second before it was perceived."
"the unconscious mind perceives ... before the conscious" - hey, that's exactly what happens to me! Or at least the scientific description of it. My unconscious mind... that sonds scary, it's something in me that I can't control... something in every human being. I'm dreaming, or I'm absent, and then I perceive and it unconsciously hits me... Thankfully, I don't seem to suffer from jamais vu! But I've experienced all three Déjà vu's: Déjà vécu, senti and visité (seen, felt or visited), each of them much more than once. For me 'felt' includes smelled, touched, tasted - all of them! And for most of the time I can remember when and where, or how come. Especially for the most recent ones, although it's been a while...
It's all part of being myself!

What does Déjà vu have to do with how others perceive me? Well, even without Déjà vu I have experienced and lived strange things. As I said in the About me, my life's not very unusual, it's just original, like everyone else's I guess. But I've met a lot of people and almost none of them intuited who I am right. This doesn't mean that they judged me wrong or I thought that they did, it only means they told me, or appeared to be surprised when they found out new things about me (what can I say, maybe I'm exciting, maybe not). Only a few intuited who I am, most of which are my friends. Another couple or so had an idea about parts of me... Well, I probably won't intuit who you are either, I'm just saying this so you can see how hardly ever people really know who you are...

So I have a question for you: How do you know you've found yourself?
It sounds like a basic question, yet I have a few issues I'd like you to consider:
1. Since you probably found yourself after an intense event that changed your life, and then see how the way you feel is so right and so much better than what you had before, you believe that this way is THE WAY to be and live. But how do you know there's no better way? And, isn't it possible that your inertia, your desire to remain where you already feel well, safe, and perhaps even happy - all these make you just not ask this question anymore?
2. Finding yourself often means knowing what you will do and make of your life further on, what's your character and what represents you. However, after a while of being the same self you end up knowing lesser and lesser about who you are. How do you keep in touch with yourself once, supposedly, you have found who you're supposed to be? Your need for certainty and knowledge of this certainty might undermine your ability to understand the new and the unknown. If you've found yourself and you're not changing that (well, at least not much), what's your relationship to you from now on? 'Cause if you've found your character, you've got to have a relationship to it, erm... him/her :) based on what? if you already know...

So I think maybe nobody really knows who he/she is, but just thinks so (in the best of cases; most people recognize they haven't found themselves). I'm beginning to believe that finding yourself is not a teenager-type-o' event, but rather a lifetime achievement, just like happiness... not a goal, but a path. What do you think?

Giving up is hardest?

2007-01-28T20:58:00.000-08:00

Alex Hitch Hitchens, from Hitch - the movie:
- One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just... one shot, to make the difference between happily ever after, and 'oh? he's just some guy I went to something with once.'

But what if we don't even get that?...
---
I had my chance, I lost it. I'm a dreamer. I have to wake up.
"Please wake up", she begged.

...But he won't wake up.
"Were you here all this time? Where were you?"
But he left. He left a long time ago.
"Were you ever here?"
He was not sure. But what he felt... was sure. The moment they met was still with him. The errors, the dreams, they had THAT something. They probably never understood each other, maybe they never will. He had hope...
"I shouldn't have left", he said like he was there. But he wasn't. "I'm not sure I deserve an explanation even."
She didn't cry. She was way past that.
They were far away. They weren't even understanding each other. They were strangers.
"I need to hear your voice", he said, "if there was anything we ever had worth anything, we should at least try to make sense of who we are now. I WAS with you, I WAS yours, you had me..."
She did. There were times when he forgot himself, times when she forgot herself. They were together. But she didn't want to think about anything anymore. She didn't hate him. She still felt something. Something... maybe hurt?
He always thought he knew her, he knew everything, but he was wrong. They were both wrong. Somehow, they only knew each other barely. And they lost touch. They were away. Far, far away...
But their love was real. "Everyone loves in their own way," he said, "and our love was real. You might be my someone. I'm acting crazy, I know. I ruined you, your life... with your help."
He did. She helped. She was far away, he didn't understand a thing. He couldn't even grasp what she felt, or who she was now.
"You said you had nothing before I came along. I'm not arguing for me here, but I did give you dreams, hope, love, faith. You gave me all those too. There might be everything wrong now, but my love for you was never stronger. You'd be surprised to realize how much people can do for love, you did much yourself... and we believe. Or believed...", he cried.
There was no hope. No way back. No. This was real. This was life. They were far, far away. She had rethought everything. Him too. He was always pushy, begging for her to come back, wanting her for his happiness no matter how harmful he was to her.
"We don't need to start over," he whispered, "that's not possible. You think I'm stupid, foolish, crazy? I asked myself if what I feel is THAT love, or something foolish, selfish, ... childish. You did love me differently. But what I feel is love too. Maybe I just didn't show you this love. I think I did, but you were looking for something else. What are you looking for? Why are you fooling yourself again? Why am I fooling myself again?"
She almost hated him. She knew one thing, though: she would never come back. Never. Yet he still seemed to think that she might. Was there no hope of this ever ending? Then she would end it herself.
"I'm not here as a kid anymore. I'm here as the grown-up. And I'm here believing that all this time we did so much wrong. But, see, what we had right, was our trio: love, hope, faith. Those which you have taught me about. We might have had them in different ways, but we did do everything together. I did share my life with you, I believed, I loved, I gave myself. You had a more mature view upon everything. You still do. Call me crazy, but that makes us even more meant to be: you lived your childhood with me. You learned to feel love with me. You wanted to love me this much. And I wanted to believe in you, I believe... that's why I'm so crazy. I can't see anything but happiness with you. But that's not just happiness for me... that's for us. For US. WE CRIED TOGETHER FOR HOW HAPPY WE WERE, for heaven's sake! And you're telling me I'm destroying you? We didn't know anything about anything before we met. We didn't know what would happen if I left, we didn't even know how to act. You were strong, you were yourself. I was strong, I was myself. I didn't make you be... You exhausted yourself, you tortured yourself, and I couldn't see. We should have just kept quiet about everything and should have just written letters to each other instead. Just talk on the phone maybe. We might have lived. But now... we're dead. And I'm telling you, I still love you, dammit! I LOVE YOU! Now, if there's anything still left in your heart, you won't think about us anymore. Maybe you don't already. I hope, I pray that one day you will see me again. That one day we will meet again and you will open your heart, because, God, baby, I'm crazy in love with you. I love you even more now... You are still my someone. You gave me strength to see myself through your eyes, and now feel like I'm going to die. Die, and love you..."
Now she hated him. Or...

Movie of the month

2007-01-24T22:42:00.000-08:00

Since September 2006, I'll post a movie here each month. From any time, any place. Just one I liked, and why...

2007:
August's Choice:

Meet Joe Black

Genre: Fantasy/Mystery/Romance

IMDB link to here
Personal review:
A magical movie, fantasy indeed. Just the lines, music, the whole idea of death incarnate and causality, philosophy of life and death, in short... they all make this movie worth seeing. The trio of actors play amazing roles, and they play them so well...
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Music (5)
- Original/Intriguing (5)
- Emotional (5)

April's Choice:

Nicholas Sparks Movies

Genre: Love Story

IMDB link to author: here
Personal review:
For whoever has seen "Love story", movies like "A walk to remember", "The Notebook" and "Message in a bottle" are amazing. The soundtrack for the first one, especially, is unbelievable. If I've ever met someone that knows how to portray love in the deepest, noblest and most sublime circumstances, this is the guy.
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Music (5)
- Original/Intriguing (5)
- Emotional (5)

Spend a day thinking about your love...

March's Choice:

Happy Feet

Genre: Animation / Adventure / Comedy / etc
IMDB link
Personal review:
This movie has the best soundtrack I've heard in a very long time! The story is penguinish, like we're starting to see more and more nowadays, and it is related to a documentary made on the little guys... Love, happiness, it's like a childish musical! Find out the story of Mumble Happyfeet!
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Music (5)
- Original/Intriguing (4)
- Funny (5)

Find the song of your heart...

February's Choice:

Mr Fix It

Genre: Comedy / Romance
IMDB link
Personal review:
What if you were the guy that fixes all relationships, but you don't believe in love? Perhaps, in fact, that's what helps you do this job with such great success - you always get your client his girl back! This is a way to look at how "cheap" love around us actually is, and how life makes it that you stop believing in it. But then, something happens...
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Contemplative (3)
- Intricate/Complex (3)
- Original/Intriguing (4)
- Funny (4)

Just another way you end up believing in love...

January's Choice:

Just like heaven

IMDB link
Personal review:
Fictive situation, but one that really makes you think about what love means to you and how unusual us men and women are reacting to it. Love can change the world, and even defeat death. If you're a believer, then I strongly recommend it. And, anyway, you should see it... it might change your view of what's your life like, and what really matters.
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Contemplative (5)
- Intricate/Complex (5)
- Original/Intriguing (5)

A superb movie... it changed my days.

2006:
December's choice:

Pursuit of happyness

IMDB link
Personal review:
Go see this with your family. The time you're there makes you think about you and your parents' life more than anything. The mispelling of happYness is intentional, great actually... has to do with the building where the main character's child stays during the day. Nothing I could say would describe the atmosphere in this movie properly. If you've seen movies that show how life is hard, yet also show it's best if you don't give up hope, this lies right beside them.
Also, it's realistic and discusses that bit of the constitution that claims every human being has the right to pursue happiness...
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Contemplative (5)
- Intricate/Complex (5)
- Realistic & makes you think (5)

Read the trivia and goofs after you see the movie! See if you notice them. I didn't...

November's choice:

The Lake House

IMDB link
Personal review:
Sometimes, it does not matter what you limit reality to. This is an example of a movie where you are asked to disregard time, and look into the people. It's a movie about love, and, for those who know, it has to do with the book Persuasion (forgot the author, you can check in the movie), a story about second chances, kind of. I've felt different after seeing this, and... love felt different too. Makes you think and ponder. Besides, Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves play well together.
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Captivating/Attractive (4)
- Intricate/Complex (5)
- Funny & makes you think (5)
Soundtrack link (great soundtrack!)
Genre: Drama / Fantasy / Romance

The other stuff (trailer, pics) can be found on IMDB.

October's choice:

The wild

IMDB link
Personal review:
Interesting enough, a story about a father and his son - as lions. See, cartoons characters may always be kind of a joke, because they are "for kids", but, actually, they can make you think. A story like in this movie is broad and general, and I always enjoy the friendships and funny jokes cartoons pull-up. If you're a fan of 3D sweet family&friends cartoons, this is for you!
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Captivating/Attractive (4)
- Intricate/Complex (3)
- Funny & makes you think (4)
Soundtrack link (best I could find)
Genre: Animation / Adventure / Comedy

The other stuff (trailer, pics) can be found on IMDB.

September's choice:

Click (2006)

IMDB link
Personal review:
Adam Sandler is an actor I like to see on the stage, because he always manages to look outsmarted (really well!), and that's funny. Also, the point of the film, although not so obviously represented (due to the fact that it's meant to be a cute comedy) is that, in your right mind, YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SKIP MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE. And the bottom line is this: learn from the bad, enjoy the good.
Actually, the behavior of the remote he uses is quite an interesting metaphor for real-life people and how they end up playing the "game of life", so think about that.
Personal scores (scale 1-5):
- Captivating/Attractive (4)
- Intricate/Complex (2)
- Philosophy/makes you think (4)
Soundtrack link
Genre: Comedy / Drama / Fantasy

The other stuff (trailer, pics) can be found on IMDB. If you see/have seen the movie, let me know what you think. Thanks, and enjoy!

Evident ca pare clar.

2007-01-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

Sunt prea multe de spus, si oare cate n-au mai fost spuse?
Permite-mi sa fiu original... (dar pot?)

Deschid geamul in fiecare dimineata. Camera e aceeasi, dar ceva e diferit... m-am trezit in mijlocul povestii. Uneori, parca imi povestesc viata mea la persoana a treia. Hmm. Dar cum? De ce?

1- Esti fericit?
2- Nu... nu sunt.
1- Deci esti nefericit?
2- Nici asta n-as putea sa spun.
1- Atunci ce ai?
2- Nevoie de o pauza.
1- De?
2- O pauza de respiratie. Stii, pana la urma nu am coborat. Nu m-am incalcat pe mine, sau cel putin nu inca. Si, totusi...
1- Da. Neliniste, suparare, nesomn...
2- Incepe scoala pentru unii...
1- Si pentru altii a inceput demult.
2- Da. Neliniste, suparare, nesomn...
1- Nu pari prea optimist. Esti?
2- Da, sunt foarte optimist.
1- Si unde te indrepti?
2- Hmm. Greu de spus. Dar stiu ce vreau. Sunt o persoana hotarata.
1- Si?
2- Si care-si poarta singura de grija. Nu astept de la nimeni nimic. De ce? Numai dezamagiri. Suferinta. Gauri, gauri, gauri... si acum... sunt liber. Si sunt cu mine. Am eu grija de mine, ca si pana acum de fapt.
1- Si esti suparat?
2- Da. Tot timpul.
1- De ce?
2- De fraier. Asa se intampla cand astepti de la ceilalti.

Care sunt eu? Niciunul. Nu... de ce? Radical diferit! 1 nici nu exista. 1 e imagine fidela a unui psihiatru absent. Ce ar zice 1 despre 2? 2, evadeaza! Fugi! Ti-o ia viata inainte, trece pe langa tine, si nici macar nu recunosti ca te afunzi. Dar esti optimist, pentru ce? Ti se promite ceva? Te arunci, de ce? Te arunci intr-o parte dupa ce te-ai retras din alta. Controleaza-te! Esti doar un copil. Esti mai mic si decat Paul, ia uite!

Ah! Cat de enervant! De ce? Totul e enervant atunci cand e pe dos. Suparare, neliniste, nesomn... e recursiv, cine stie cand se va opri? Incredere, ce-i aia? Dar uite, fara incredere nu poti schimba nimic. Ai nevoie de zile in care sa speri, zile in care sa te umpli de putere si sa dormi. Sa visezi liber si sa nu te trezesti intr-un cosmar. Sa nu te prefaci, sa expui ceea ce esti. Zile libere, zile... existentiale! Cand vor veni ele, vor veni si regretele. Pentru ca pana atunci ai fost amorf, ai fost pierdut in suparare, neliniste, nesomn. Te-ai invartit in jurul cozii. N-ai invatat. Te-ai certat cu toti. Asa se-ntampla... ne trezim, privim inapoi, si observam ce a trecut. Pacat. Dar fiecare zi e un nou inceput. Si cum in fiecare ora e un loc pe planeta unde incepe o noua zi, un nou inceput are loc mult mai des decat ne-am imagina noi!

Nu te preseaza nimeni. Acorda-ti zile... iarta-te pe tine. Inca n-ai facut nimic, e usor sa te ierti. Si, chiar daca ai facut, tot cu acest pas incepe. Altfel te gandesti la tine cu senzatia ca te gandesti la altii. Egoismul mascat. E groaznic. Nu numai ca nu treci peste, dar te intorci inapoi. Te intorci la ceea ce erai inainte sa fii ce erai inainte. Intelegi? Inainte...
Da, recursiv. Si cine erai inainte? In ce credeai inainte? Iti mai aduci aminte, macar?
Te afunzi si ai senzatia ca de fapt razbesti la suprafata. Cat de ironic. Cat de perfida e realitatea cu tine. Si ceilalti, cati oameni iti duc grija! Si lipsa! Dar nu mai vezi, esti undeva, adanc... Nici pe mine nu ma vezi, nici macar aceste cuvinte, si nu ma auzi. Orice iti confirma gandurile, banuielile acum. Nimic nu te mai atinge. Dar...

Sigur ca inseamna ceva. Totul inseamna ceva. Viitorul e cel care vrem sa insemne, si trecutul e cel de care fugim atunci cand vrem asta mai mult ca oricand. Ptiu! Pazeste-te de evadatorul de trecut. Cel care a inteles. Si a mers mai departe... sarind peste podul cazut. De ce, de ce n-ai construit podul? Acum ai o gaura. Dar poti macar sa nu maresti acea gaura... Ai grija de tine.

Sunt mic, mic. Dar insotit de 6 litere.

2007-01-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

Trece timpul pe langa mine... trece viata pe langa mine? Cum se face ca parca n-am disperat vreodata? Am stat calm. "Da, Paul, nimic nu e grav." (Note: This is a lie.)
Ei bine, acum e grav. E timpul...

... sa dau tot ce e mai bun. De la cer pana la pamant nu voi renunta la ceea ce cred. De ce? Pentru ca, in unele momente ale vietii, tot ce-ti mai ramane e ceea ce crezi. Iti doresti, visezi, traiesti... implinesti vise, dar viata trece... si tot cu ceea ce e cel mai important ramai. Ce e cel mai important pentru mine? Nu pot sti cu siguranta, pot simti. Asta cred. Asta simt. Si acum simt ca cel mai important nu e ce, ci cine. Nu, nu e frica mea de singuratate. Nu, nu e dorinta mea de a fi recunoscut. Toate sunt acolo, desigur, dar nu ele sunt. Sunt un copil rasfatat, stiu... Dar uneori e deajuns sa simti, si sa abandonezi totul... pentru ca ai inteles. Sa fugi. Sa te opresti si sa privesti. Apoi sa te intorci. Sau poate nu. Dar orice ar fi, orice s-a intamplat, realizezi ceva. Despre tine, si despre ceilalti. Despre ce si cine conteaza...

Sunt mic. Ma simt atat de mic... si, foarte ciudat, si lumea mi se pare atat de mica. Am citate peste citate, intelgeri peste intelegeri. Viata ma urmareste... nu stiu daca si pe tine. La fiecare pas mi se arata cate un semn, in fiecare clipa am parte de-o coincidenta. Coincidente in care nu cred. Si coincidente care inseamna ceva, ceva special... Pornesc radioul, aud melodia... ma pierd. Citesc o carte, descopar un citat, ma pierd... Privesc o poza, vad frunze. "Ce vezi?" Acelasi lucru. Mereu. Mereu. Si ce e si mai ciudat e ca sunt mic, sunt prea mic, Doamne! De ce asa de mic? De ce nu candva cand as putea sa fiu mai mare, sa pot sa fiu mai intreg... sa nu ma simt atat de inutil? De ce acum cand nu pot sa lupt cu toata energia pe care-as putea sa o ofer? Sunt mic. Pierdut. Pierdut... in realitate.

Bine-am venit! Welcome! Bienvenue!

Si maine ce se va intampla? Da, stiu, o iau de la capat. Dar macar sa cresc. Stii, intr-o zi nu se va mai repeta... intr-o zi vom fi mari. Intr-o zi voi putea implini toate acele vise. Intr-o zi voi fi mai mult decat eu... si pana atunci imi voi ingadui sa visez, chiar daca poate din ce in ce mai putin. Poate intr-unele zile si sa sper. Sunt mii de cuvinte nerostite. Sute de sentimente neimpartasite. Milioane de realitati nesimtite de catre celalalt. Dar ceva e... si oricat de mult m-as pierde eu, oricat de mult s-ar pierde orice altceva si oricine altcineva... acel ceva ramane. Si are 6 litere. Sau opt. Si uneori e tot ce-a mai ramas...
... si uneori e retoric totul...

Nimic nou sub soare...

2007-01-20T00:14:00.000-08:00

As I've been trying to say, I've started to post some things on another site (a couple of weeks ago actually): http://gewissen.wordpress.com
[RO] To address my Romanian readers, but not a last post:

Dragi cititori, cei care ati mai ramas in viata pe blogul meu anyways... Nu inchid blogul, nu am de ce. Doar m-am hotarat sa incep ceva mai... organizat, si dupa ceva experienta la bloguit m-am saturat sa tot schimb template-ul in incercarea de a gasi o imagine mai personala si calda a sitului. Oricum am schimbat-o mi s-a spus (si de cele mai multe ori am fost de acord) ca a devenit mai putin personala, mai rece. Asa ca scriu... in mai multe parti...

Azi a fost o zi in care am dat la o parte panza de sentimente, frustrari, si tensiune care s-a asternut de-a lungul lunilor mele Americane, si am vazut ceva mai mult din mine. Gauri, mici sau mari. Determinarea cu care am venit aici sa fac din lumea asta lumea mea si sa nu ma schimbe ea pe mine. Pare-mi-se (un cuvant special pt mine ce mai) ca am crescut putin. Am avut vise multe inainte sa vin, dar stiti ce? Am crescut. Si eu, si visele. Si visele nu erau doar ale mele. Si nici nu sunt. Sunt ale noastre... Nu am renuntat sa lupt, dar am invatat inca lucruri noi despre ce inseamna 'a lupta'. Viata mea imi cere mult mai multa maturitate decat credeam (ce surpriza). Multe din cele ce credeam ca sunt 'acceptabile' sau 'trecatoare' s-au dovedit a fi gresite, si nu doar pentru ca s-a schimbat locul unde ma aflu. Nu, chiar erau gresite. Trebuia sa vad asta. Azi, consemnez: cresc. Poate ce v-as ura eu voua daca ati spune acelasi lucru: nu uita sa pastrezi copilul din tine acolo unde el chiar era la locul lui...
Da, copilul vreau sa ramana in viata. Poate de asta tin la mine. Altfel, sunt doar un oarecare. Prin el am si realizat ca sunt in stare sa ma comport, in sfarsit, nu numai la modul "da-mi aia, vreau aia, nu vreau sa accept aia". Acum accept. Invat. Traiesc. Cresc.
Suntem liberi... si sunt momente cand cred ca pot vedea dincolo de toate pretextele, pot vedea... in realitatea mea. Si nu numai a mea... Dar ma vei recunoaste, voi fi acelasi din prima clipa, si mai mult. Nu te voi striga. Am invatat. Am acceptat.
Accept. Invat. Traiesc. Cresc. Cresc.

Si oare cui ii pasa de toate astea? Nu conteaza. Consemnez... pentru mine macar. Cu pasi mici, incet-incet... cu optimism sau nu... dar trebuie sa supravietuim, nu? Fiecare dintre noi. Oricat mi-as dori uneori sa pot face orice... Poate intr-o zi chiar o sa fac ceva pentru lumea asta. Pentru ceilalti... caci eu singur nu contez. Dar cresc. Cresc. Si invat. Accept. Traiesc... Pentru cine stie piesa de teatru, "Si fluturii sunt liberi"... vreau sa zbor si sa zambesc cu toata fiinta... Te salut, realitate! Bine-ai venit!

Which type of superhero are you?

2007-01-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

I took this poll to see and...

Here's my results.

The tern second

2006-12-28T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm on vacation in Las Vegas. That doesn't really mean the same thing to everyone who reads this. I'll write something short, that I was made to think from... a movie.
Imagine this moment:

... You're on the street and find you're short of a dollar to getting something you really need (supposedly). Of the few people around someone looks dressed like he has money. And you ask him for a buck... but he was even poorer than you, he was... POOR. He gives you the dollar without saying anything, even though he might not eat that day...
The tern second that this happens the world turns around. Values... fate, decisions... what are they?

Cine? Tu. Ce? Eu. 2.

2006-12-16T15:23:00.000-08:00

O poveste (A story)
(LANG = RO)
Schimbarea nu vine singura. Daca astept astept astept, degeaba. Nu, nu merg nicaieri, nu asa. Prost.
Prost.
Prost.
Prost.
Nu stiu ce-am crezut. Nu stiu ce cred.
De ce nu sunt pierdut?...

Sunt singur, mic, neputincios. De ce oare tin atat de mult sa tin la mine?
Nu, de azi, nu mai imi pasa. Nu mai dau doi bani pe mine. Am murit.
Nu stiu daca o sa renasc. Dar sper sa nu mai fiu la fel. M-am saturat.
Ce ma ajuta sa nu ma dau cu capul de pereti? M-as duce chiar acum. Ar fi bine. Ma duc, si daca e, poate ma intorc. Ziua e lunga, am timp.
Cretin.
Stupid.
Inert.
Mort.
De ce sa lupt pentru ceea ce cred, cand pot sa caut fericirea in alta parte? Sa nu mai lupt.
E mai bine fara.
Nu...
Dar nu pot...
Nu pot...
Vreau sa doara mai tare. Ajuta-ma.
Cateodata pare usor, pare banal, nu pare grav. Cateodata.
greu
complicat
grav
_-_-_
Love means never having to say "i'm sorry"
-_-_-
Love means sometimes it's beter to let go
_____
Pot? Nu pot.
Nu pot? Ba pot.
Ba nu pot...
Ah, dar daca...
dar...
dar...
Ma invart in cerc.
Azi, am terminat cu mine.
Azi, nu eu fac, face el. El, noul eu.
Noul eu nu e eu, e cineva. Hotarat, dar care nu stie,
visator, indragostit, paralel, afectat.
schimbator.
spontan.
greu de digerat.
nu stiu cum sa-l fac. dar imi jur, azi, 16 decembrie ora 3:35PM ca nu ma dau batut pana nu scap de mine. vreau sa-mi evadez. definitiv. sa nu ma uit, dar sa plec.
intr-o zi (visam demult) o sa-mi iau 3 carti, un creion si un ghiozdan (acel ghiozdan) si o sa plec, sa stau afara, nu in casa. cu sau fara oameni. cu ea in suflet.
asteptam demult momentul asta. am cautat-o singur, am vrut subconstient probabil... mi-am facut-o cu mana mea. am facut raul si acum sunt motivat. asta cautam?
orice ar fi, ma lasa gol pe dinauntru. ce poate fi mai rau... se poate si mai rau? Se poate.
ce-o sa fie, ce-o sa fie?
Me: trebuie
Me: sa uit tot ceea ce sunt
Me: sa iau de la capat
Me: sa-mi aduc aminte
Me: cine eram
Me: si sa uit
Me: problemele
Me: si sa uit
Me: reactiile
Me: si sa nu uit
Me: ce conteaza cu adevarat
...
Si sa uit tot. Si sa nu uit... nimic.
Vreau sa dispar, si sa apar la loc.
Cand? Niciodata. Niciodata n-o sa zic niciodata. Iata, n-am zis niciodata!

De azi, eu nu mai sunt. Nu mai contez. Sau contez abia dupa restul (echivalent). Fac ceva, tot timpul. Ea va fi intotdeauna.
Nu mai fortez nimic. Adresez, comunic, sper.
Ma rog mie.
Ma rog, sau nu ma rog? Nu ma rog.
Nu merit.
Mai bine sunt praf.
Distrus.
E prea tarziu.
Eu pot fi distrus, dar ea nu. Ea din mine nu. Ea va fi mereu.
Refuz sa cred. Refuz sa accept.
Ma blestem singur.

De azi, eu nu mai sunt.
Niciodata nu e prea tarziu. Lupt, traiesc, pentru acelasi lucru. Pentru acelasi om. Ma duc oriunde si, daca trebuie, ma fac orice. Am puterea? Nu conteaza. Prefer sa ma distrug pe drum, decat sa pierd neincercand. Nu. Mai bine innebunesc, imi iau mintile, decat sa nu incerc.
Uneori e mai bine sa nu intelegi. Suferi in tacere. Marturisesti dupa.

Dupa ce?
Iti dai seama. Ai gresit? Mare lucru. Inca o greseala dupa care sa nu faci nimic.

De azi, eu nu mai sunt.
Nu ma asteptam sa scriu azi. Dar eu nu mai sunt, deci, ma asteptam.

Eu... accept. Sunt jalnic.
Sa nu te iei de mine. Te voi rani.
Stai departe! Pazea!

Nu, nu ti-e adresat tie. Pe tine te ranea el, vechiul eu.
Si eu, eu ma apropii. Si astept un semn de "vino", astept sa-mi faci cu degetul.
Dragoste, nu ma parasi.
Nu ti-am cerut niciodata nimic... si nici acum nu-ti cer. Poti sa ma parasesti. Dar eu te voi urma. Si nu ma dau batut.
Nu ma dau batut.
Chiar daca ma distrugi.

Dar daca o distrugi?
Aici e aici.
Da-i drumul, spun.
Nu-i da drumul, nu-i da drumul...
Intinde-te pe iarba si priveste cerul. Intoarce-te spre pamant, si priveste-l. Unde vrei sa fii?

De ce sa visam? De ce nu alegem realitatea... e mai putina suferinta, daca accept adevarul: da-i drumul, spun.
Nu-i da drumul, nu-i da drumul...

Te rog, lasa-ma.
Lasa-ma sa-i dau drumul.
Eu sunt a ta, eu sunt al tau. Tu esti a mea, tu esti al meu.

Nu te voi pierde.
De ce nu?
Sunt hotarat. Sa ne luptam.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu.
De azi, dispari!
Nu vreau sa te mai vad.
Mi se face scarba.
Da-ti cu pumnii in cap, si pleaca.
Petrece toata ziua singur.
Intr-un tomberon.
Si nu-ti mai imagina ca e roz, ca nu e roz. E gunoi.
There's shit in your head.

Pierde-ma. Te rog.

-_-_-_-_-_-
Ce poate schimba un om?

N-as fi crezut...
ca e atat de greu...
N-as fi crezut...
ca atata timp n-am vazut nimic.
N-as fi crezut...
unde eram, si ce faceam? la ce %*#@$ ma gandeam?
N-as fi crezut...

Dar acum voi crede.
Ai dreptate, tu.
Tu, si eu. Si nu, nu e mai bine.
Da-i drumul, iti spun.

Lupta. Singur daca trebuie.

Nu. Da-i drumul.

Intoarce-te. Intoarce-te de unde ai plecat. Nu uita cine esti. Nu uita ce conteaza cu adevarat...

Pentru ea...

Pentru ea...

Nu. Nu putem fi de acord. De azi, nu mai esti eu.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

De azi...
Nu mi-e mila de mine. Distruge-ma. Vreau drama, vreau sa vad ce poti. Arata-mi ca nu mai esti eu.

Sunt doua cuvinte.

Acele doua cuvinte.

Acele doua cuvinte pe care vreau sa i le spun.

Nu, nu sa i le spui.

Nu, nu sa i le spun. Sa le stie.

Sa le simta.

Sa le simta...
De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Da, nu mai esti eu.

Te iubesc.

-_-_-
Te iubesc? Ma iubesti? Ce poate fi mai simplu...
-_-_-
Te iubesc? Ma iubesti? Mai complicat nici ca se poate...

Am un pisoi. E vechiul eu. Nu mi-e mila de el.

Nu sunt un pisoi.

Nu, dar gandesti ca un pisoi. Faci pe dos. Ce vrei sa faci? De ce faci invers?

Nu, nu fac. Fac ce vreau. Am vrut sa o tin. Sa fie a mea.

Dar e a ta.

Dar e a mea?...

Ti-e frica...

Frica... nu mai zice asta. Taci.

Nu tac.

Ar trebui sa taci.

Lupta.
Lupta.
Lupta!

Cu cine? Pentru cine?

Cu tine. Pentru ea.

De ce pentru ea?

De azi, nu mai sunt eu...

Nu. Nu merit asta. Vreau sa traiesc si eu...

De azi, nu mai sunt eu...

Eu nu contez. M-am saturat. Sa ma lasi in pace, eu. Eu n-am nevoie de tine, eu.

Eu. Eu. Eu.
Care eu? Niciun eu.

Tu. Viata.
Viata. Tu. Orice... Vin dupa tine. Tu = ea.

Nu veni.
Nu te vreau.

Nu asa. Nu asa vin. Vii tu... Vii tu...

Eu nu mai lupt.

Tocmai. Noi am castigat deja. Eu, si tu. El (eu) nu mai e. De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

(Vechiul eu:) As da orice.

Dar nu mai e. N-as da. Nu merita.

Metrou, in metrou mi-am imaginat prima data. Vorbeam cu mine...
Ea nu era acolo.

Si acum e?

Da, e... si e... un inger. Straluceste.

Si?

Si tu... devii transparent. O sa dispari.

Nu...

De ce? Nu e rau... De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Accept.
Ascult.
Inteleg.

... pana maine. (Daaa, pana maine). Asa ziceam si eu. Hai, pana peste o luna.

Nimic nu s-a schimbat. Nu te cred. A mai fost.

Da. Nimic la eu nu s-a schimbat. Dar de azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Abureala.
Da.
Nu mai citi.

Nu mai citesc.

Vreau sa-ti vorbesc. Vreau sa-ti strang mana. Vreau sa te privesc in ochi, si sa-ti spun cu mana pe inima ca nu te voi mai rani niciodata.

Daaaaa, right.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu. Eu nu vreau tot. Eu vreau doar suferinta ta... sunt fericit cu ea. Vreau probleme. Vreau provocari. Vreau sa-mi spui ce nu e bine la mine. Vreau sa fii sincera, asa cum esti. Ma iubesti. (Rimez)

Punct?

Semnul intrebarii.

Contrast. Nu?

Eu nu mai sunt.

Buna.

Buna.

Sper.

Eu ascult. Eu sufar. Eu zambesc atunci cand imi aduc aminte sa o fac.

Dar dragostea?

Da, o sufar si pe ea.

De ce nu-mi dai drumul?

Te iubesc.

Si?

Am incredere in tine.

In mine... abureala. Atunci mi-ai da drumul...

E mai bine... e mai simplu...
Ce pot face eu pe o foaie? Ce pot face eu cu litere?

Ce poti face cu orice?

Nu pot face nimic. Pot doar sa sper, sa lupt, sa accept, sa inteleg. Pot sa incerc.

Cat de neoriginal. Ai mai zis asta.

Stiu. E fara speranta.

Da-mi drumul. De ce ma tii?

Poate... ar trebui sa iti dau drumul.

...

Nu poate dura la nesfarsit.

Intr-o zi n-o sa mai putem duce. O sa fiu o carpa. O sa stergi cu mine pe jos. Sau eu cu tine... desi nu cred.

Si nici macar dragostea nu va putea sa te aduca inapoi...

Nici macar. Dovedeste-te.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu. Tocmai de aceea... nu-ti cer sa ramai. Nu-ti cer.
Nu-ti cer sa lupti.

...

Esti libera. Ma pregatesc. Vin dupa tine, cand sunt gata.
De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Vino dupa mine...

Visez. Visez...

Da. Speri... degeaba...

1... 2... 3... Cine nu e gata, il iau cu lopata.

Afurisitule. Esti incoruptibil. Tot tu ai ramas.

De azi, nu mai sunt eu.

Intr-o zi ma vei distruge cu totul.

Nu si daca ma opresc la timp. Inainte. Inainte de a incepe iar.

Si pana atunci ce?

Pana atunci... tu. Trebuie ca tu, si numai tu.

De ce imi faci asta?

Ai zice ca sunt egoist. Am incredere in tine, de asta...
Me: trebuie
Me: sa uit tot ceea ce sunt
Me: sa iau de la capat
Me: sa-mi aduc aminte
Me: cine eram, cine erai
Me: si sa uit
Me: problemele
Me: si sa uit
Me: reactiile
Me: si sa nu uit
Me: ce conteaza cu adevarat

Abureala. Nimic nu s-a schimbat...

Citeste, cuvant cu cuvant, litera cu litera. Citeste: Te iubesc. Am lovit in tine, si m-am distrus pe mine. Iarta-ma, iarta-ma, iarta-ma. Iarta-ma, caci sa lovesc in mine am vrut. Am gresit.

Dac-ar fi doar atat...

Nu e doar atat. De azi, nu mai sunt eu. De azi, sunt mai al tau decat am fost vreodata. In sfarsit.

Oare?
S-a schimbat ceva?

Reading list

2006-12-06T00:59:00.000-08:00

Content transferred to my Wordpress blog

Logophobia!

2006-12-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Another interesting article of Bob Kelly from Wordcrafters Inc. came out. I've excerpted a small interesting part below...

Quote
-----------------------------------------------------------
LOGOPHOBIA - AND HOW TO CURE IT!
-----------------------------------------------------------
This language of ours certainly isn't easy! It's so full of twists and turns that it can easily
lead to a severe case of logophobia. For example, consider the following statements, each of which
uses two words which are spelled the same but have different pronunciations and meanings:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
7) He thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Another source of confusion can be homonyms, words which sound the same but have different
meanings. Their misuse can lead to glaring errors. Consider the following examples we came across in one
professional magazine: We may have become complaisant (should be "complacent") about it; It
includes a well-educated populous (should be "populace") all over the globe; Management styles are
beginning to waiver (should be "waver").

Then we have to deal with the problem of antilogies, defined as "contradictions in terms or
ideas." These include words which have two opposite meanings. For example:
Buckle: fasten together; fall apart
Critical: opposed; an essential support
Downhill: getting easier; getting worse
Knockout: collapse; triumph
Overlook: watch over; ignore
Quite: slightly; exceedingly
Ravel: tangle; untangle
Temper: harden; soften
Trim: reduce; embellish

Logophobia, by the way, is defined as "an excessive fear of words." If you're suffering from that
malady, we may have the exact remedy you need. Give us a call; there's never a charge for the
initial consultation.
EndQuote
© 2006 by Bob Kelly. All rights reserved.
Published by Bob Kelly
Resident Wordsmith and Quotemeister
WordCrafters, Inc.
www.wordcrafters.info

Happiness: just another proof of inertia?

2006-11-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of things to talk about now. I'm not sure how and why now, and how come I have so many ideas, scrambled, again. It's strange, but, then again, I don't pretend to be/write as a normal person.
I feel that what I'm mostly gonna talk about has to do with happiness. And love. And self...

Hey, I can do whatever I want. I am in control of my own life. I can do it. I am FREE. I am able. And I can, I have the will, the strength, the power. I will not be afraid. I will not surrender to others. I will be self-reliant. I will show myself that I can do it. I will only hesitate where my heart has doubts; but when it doesn't, I will pursue. And succeed. I will not let myself be persuaded by other people using reason solely. Reason is not a means to happiness. I will stand up and represent myself, for if not I, then who? Yes, I can change the world. Yes, I can change myself. I will listen to the sounds the leaves make while falling on the earth. I will listen. I will be there when you need me, and nowhere else. I can speak for myself. I can think, and my thinking has value. I am a human being, not a puppet - and as little as that might mean, it's the best I can be: a human being...

---
Each day we follow our own steps towards happiness... or so we might think. Just like me, there are others that think people do NOT, in fact, head for happiness. They might think they do... There's an article on CNN about this. Although not an exact view from my perspective, I found the article spoke about some important issues concerning happiness.

See, what we do is compromise ourselves in the quest for happiness. We don't even adventure much, so the word quest is not satisfied. Society shows us the wrong things! Happiness... where did we get the bright idea that to find happiness we should immitate the people around us? Are THEY happy? Truth is, we're not sure, for the most part, what happiness is. Just like society pushes us into the idea that a man with more than one woman is a "stud" or "macho", yet a woman with more men is a "slut" or "whore", so is the distorted image of happiness. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps not.

As the article says, you can only tell how happy you are at the exact moment you are asked - and even that with some trouble. Interested of happiness at a wider scale? Check out this article to find out which is the happiest country!

The meaning of all this is just to get you thinking. I'm not trying to persuade you, the reader, into anything. I'm ... pointing out. I'm just a piece of writing, as the blog-header says. What my point is: we compromise ourselves in order to come closer to happiness - don't we? We believe certain things, and we are not happy, so then leave those beliefs because they weren't "making us happy". Or, we see people that are happy and immitate them. Or even not know what happiness is. Or we are sad (we have every right to be) and then pick up on just anything to be happy.
I'm not saying "be careful", I'm saying... check your pulse, go to your heart - ask yourself, not others: are you happy? Figure it out. Talk about it, or hide it - your best way... but if you really look, I'm sure that some of the things you think about happiness are not really based on any truth, least of all a truth that you have experienced. Most people say: You will know happiness when it hits you. And I think that's true. So, in my opinion, if you don't know when it hit you - you've probably never been happy.

Jump to love. Here's a piece that I quickly wrote a couple of days ago:
---
I will love her all my life, no matter what happens. And, maybe, in a sense, for a first time, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS is as close to its true meaning as ever - EVERYTHING can happen, and I would still love her. And love will never hurt, not this love. Perhaps the longing, or the feeling of closeness and contempt - but LOVE, never! What hurts me - us - is not love. Love is not to blame for our have-nots.
I LOVE.
---

The rest is... yet to come. But this will be a story someday, a story I hope to tell. For some reason, I feel I'm on a narrow path - sometimes on the edge, sometimes in the middle, safe - but narrow, working my way farther and farther away, praying, loving, hoping, living... Love.Hope.Faith. That's the trio!
Strangely enough, I feel like wishing good luck to all of you, all who are out there searching for that end of road, or for a spark that's missing... Probably has to do with happiness. It really is amazing, no, how we have evolved so much, yet happiness is not better known. At best it's not decreasing...

I have a story to tell. I hope, I pray, someday... I will be listend to. Until then, may all be well :)

The Valkyries

2006-11-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

I was reading a book: The Valkyries, by Paulo Coelho. For those of you who are familiarized with his writing, it won't be a lot new in style, but the situations are different. And the fact that it's a true story is a strong point also.
I've gathered a couple of quotes from it... and the way they are told in great words, in my opinion, and, even more appreciable, with a simple yet efficient vocabulary.

This book is about love, about a couple married. He (Paulo) goes to the desert in search of his angel - beautiful. There's plenty of surprises, but one of them is that his partner and wife Chris also develops an interest in this magic...

Here are some quotes:
Quote
"Everything in life is a ritual," Paulo said. "For witches as much as for those who have never heard of witchcraft. Both are always trying to perform their rituals to perfection."
Chris knew that those on the magical path had their retuals. And she understood, as well, that there were rituals in everyday life - marriage, baptisms, graduations.
"No, no. I'm not talking about those obvious rituals," he went on impatiently. He wanted to sleep, but she pretended not to have sensed his irritation. "I'm saying that everything is a ritual. Just as a mass is a great ritual, composed of various parts, the everyday experience of any person is, also."
"A carefully elaborate ritual that the person tries to perform precisely, because he or she is afraid that - if any part is left out - everything will go wrong. The name of that ritual is Routine."
[...]
"When we are young, we don't take anything too seriously. But slowly, this set of daily rituals becomes solidified, and takes us over. Once things have begun to go along pretty much as we imagined they would, we don't dare risk altering the ritual. We like to complain, but we are reassured by the fact that each day is more or less like every other. At last there is no unexpected danger."
"... When the ritual becomes consolidated, the person becomes a slave."
(p 162 - Harper Collins Publishers)
***
In six more days, they would have to leave the desert. They stopped in a small city called Ajo, where most of the inhabitants were elderly. It was a plce that had known its moments of glory - when the mine there had brought jobs, prosperity, and hope to the inhabitants. But, for some reason - uknown to any of them - the company had sold its houses to the employees and closed the mine.
Paule and Chris sat in a restaurant, drinking coffee and waiting for the cool evening to arrive. An old woman asked if she could sit with them.
"All of our children have gone away", she told them. "No one is left except the old-timers. Some day, the entire city will disappear, and all our work, everything we built, will no longer mean a thing."
It had been a long time since anyone had even passed through the place. The old woman was happy to have someone to talk to.
"People are coming here, build, and hope that what they are doing is important,", she continued. "But overnight, they find that they are demanding more of the Earth than it has to give. So, they abandon everything and move on, without thinking about the fact that they have involved others in their dream - others who, weaker than they, have to stay behind. Like with the ghost towns out there in the desert."
Maybe that's what's happening to me, Paulo thought. I brought myself here, and I've abandoned myself.
He recalled that once an animal trainer had told him how he was able to keep his elephants under control. The animals, as infants, were bound by chains to a log. They would try to escape, but could not. They tried throughout their entire infancy, but the log was stronger than they were.
So they became accustomed to captivity. And when they were huge and strong, all the trainer had to do was place the chain around one of their legs and anchor it anywhere - even to a twig - and they would not attempt to escape. They were prisoners of their past.
(p 198)
***

He found love on a cliff where two women had tried to stare each other down, with the full moon as a backdrop. And love meant dividing the world with someone. He knew one of the women well, and had shared his universe with her. They had seen the same mountains, and the same trees, although each had seen them differently. She knew his weaknesses, his moments of hatred, of despair. Yet she was there at his side.
They shared the same universe. And although often he had had the feeling that their universe contained no more secrets, he had discovered - that night in Death Valley - that the feeling was wrong.
(p 224)
***
We, at this moment in history, must develop our own powers. We must believe that the universe doesn’t end at the walls of our room. We must accept the signs, and follow our heart and our dreams.

We are responsible for everything that happens in this world. We are the warriors of light. With the strength of our love and of our will, we can change our destiny, as well as the destiny of many others.

The day will come when the problem of hunger can be solved through the miracle of the multiplication of the bread. The day will come when love will be accepted by every heart, and the most terrible of human experiences - solitude, which is worse than hunger - will be banned from the face of the Earth. The day will come when those who knock at the gates will see them open; those who ask will receive; those who weep will be consoled.

For the planet Earth, that day is still a long way off. But for each of us, that day can be tomorrow. One has only to accept a simple fact: Love - of God and of others - shows us the way. Our defects, our dangerous depths, our suppressed hatreds, our moments of weakness and desperation - all are unimportant. If what we want to do is to heal ourselves first, so that then we can go in search of our dreams, we will never reach paradise. If, on the other hand, we accept all that is wrong about us - and despite it, believe that we are deserving of a happy life - then we will have thrown open an immense window that will allow Love to enter. Little by little, our defects will disappear, because one who is happy can look at the world only with Love - the force that regenerates everything that exists in the Universe.
(p 241 - quoted from here)
***
In The Brothers Karamazov, Dostoyevsky tells us the story of the Grand Inquisitor, which is paraphrased here:
During the religious persecutions in Sevilla, when all who did not agree with the Church were thrown into prison, or burned at the stake, Christ returns to earth and mixes in with the multitudes. But the Grand Inquisitor notes his presence, and orders him jailed.
That night, he goes to visit Jesus in his cell. And he asks why Jesus has decided to return at that particular moment. "You are making things difficult for us," the Grand Inquisitor says. "After all, your ideals were lovely, but it is we who are capable of putting them into practice." He argues that, although the Inquisition might be judged in the future to have been severe, it is necessary, and that he is simply doing his job. There is no use talking of peace when man's heart is always at war; nor speaking of a better world when there is so much hatred in man's heart. There was no use in Jesus' having sacrificed himself in the name of the human race, when human beings still feel guilty. "You said that all people are equal, that each has a divine light within, but you forgot that people are insecure, and they need someone to guide them. Don't make our work more difficult than it is. Go away," says the Grand Inquisitor, having laid out all of his brilliant arguments.
When he is finished, there is silence in the cell. Then Jesus comes to the Grand Inquisitor, and kisses him on the cheek.
"You may be right," Jesus says. "But my love is stronger."
---
We are not alone. The world is changing, and we are a part of the transformation. The angels guide us and protect us. Despite all the injustice in the world, and despite the things that happen to us that we feel we don't deserve, and despite the fact that we sometimes feel incapable of changing what is wrong with people and with the world, and despite all of the Grand Inquisitor's arguments--love is even stronger, and it will help us to grow. Only then will we be able to understand the stars and miracles.
(p 242 - quoted from here)
EndQuote
I found someone's short opinion here. Interesting.

As for me... what do I think? Honestly, I absorbed this book from beginning to the end - reading it in two days, which is actually slow. As I'm a great believer in the "love conquers all", so to speak love rules :), I most especially enjoyed the last couple of pages.
One important thing I find to have in common with Coelho's characters (and himself I guess) is the self-surprisingness: somehow, I am surprised by what happens to me, in so many situations that I just can't count anymore. I often find myself out of my own league - meaning I say or think something which I didn't know I knew/thought/felt before. It's usually not big in feelings, but it's big in meaning. We easily find things about urselves, sometimes very much late in life - things that we didn't know were there. I just found out I'd like to have a Furby today, for example. Last night I stood up to watch Ally McBeal and woke up open-minded about anything unusual, I guess. Yet I felt so happy. I've written about how strange we are before (see here), but this is a bit different. In Coelho's work, most of the time love sweeps people off their feet and takes them through a journey that lasts the whole book. Now, Coelho doesn't tell you every itsy bitsy detail, that's the beauty of it - he gives you the scheme, the General Plan of the Universe, and you can fill in the rest.
I have to admit that the whole magus-magic thing is kinda strange, but the ideas are well blended. And, to some extent, the awkwardness of it all accumulates towards a better glimpse into the meaning of... love. The warrior of light...
There's a nice little quote that repeats itself over and over: "The only reasons for action... For Love. For Victory. For the glory of God."
I believe we, human beings, matter most in this Universe. This is sort of a way I found out I was totally against capital punishment. Perhaps by giving so much importance to ourselves I seem a bit arrogant, but, come to think of it - it shouldn't seem so. I love human beings most in this world. And I don't think that's wrong. It's one of the things that helped me believe in love profoundly, for so much of the time.
Surely we all say stuff like "love matters", and this and that, but, truth is, 99% of the time it means nothing - it's overused. It's actually acting those beliefs out that is rare in this world.
Coelho's book is not perfect, of course (Who is?), but it serves a purpose. And, if you can see that purpose right, you will not be sorry you read the book.
I, for one, have stumbled upon the book exactly at the right time in my life (again, I think), so that with all else I have accomplished lately, it has a very special meaning. Thus, "my soul has grown" (to quote Chris' saying), and I believe in the love I have even more than I did before.

Maybe a good way to read this book is with patience. Take your time, read it slow, think about it...

Alright, I'll stop here.
One more thing: I edited this post many times, so for those who got it by mail each time, sorry about that!

Life. Death. Big deal!

2006-11-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

Meet my friend Anti-Paul. He will take you through a short journey today, as he has begged me to let him speak for himself. He's... different:

Speak to me. Say something. Don't act deaf, I know you can hear...
I think we're sick and tired of the same things. We're sick and tired of being told "Be good", "act like this", "it's wrong to do that", blah blah. Now, we act stupidly, crazily... we think we want freedom, or represent it. Or, if not that, then some form of non-conformity - refusal to follow the fashion. The path. Ha. Haha.

Whether you have dropped by this post for fun, looking for something to catch your eye, or are just "passing by" because you're bored, I am not going to meet your expectations. I am not gonna do anything good for you - and you know why? Because you're not expecting that. And who am I to exceed your expectations?
If you say you're not to be impressed, I am not gonna do that. What do you want from me? Why do you read these lines anyway? Don't you have a life to go to? Please, do that. Don't listen to what I have to say. You're probably not listening to what politics has to say, or, if you're an adolescent, to what your parents have to say. Why me?
I don't have anything to say. Not to you! "If I have something to say I'll keep it to myself. I know I can say it. I don't need you to show me that."

---

We use technology everyday. Have you a mobile phone? Perhaps. A computer? I'm guessing that's how you can read this. Internet? Wow. Probably this page gets to you through sattelite if you're not in the US. Wow. Do you even know how that works? What if the guy who invented the internet kept the idea to himself? Should he have decided not to share. He could've said "I know I can do it. I don't need you to show me that" or, perhaps, "I'll do it when I feel like it".

---

What if the devil wants to share his loneliness with you? Are you gonna offer to keep him company? He's gonna say "help me". Will you?
Would helping the devil kill him or make him stronger? Guess who came up with that?
"What does not kill me, makes me stronger." - Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888
Did you even know that he said that? I didn't, before.

Have you seen the movie Hellboy?
You should if you haven't.
---

What do you want? Do you want to feel shocked?
If you're a boy/man I might think you'd like to read some erotic shocking description that a girl has. Girls are curious too, you know, when they grow up. If you wanna read some nice and honest confessions, read Anne Frank's "Diary of a Young Girl"(Wikipedia reference). It's short and ... it's sweet.
Quote
Each time I have a period - and that has only been three times - I have the feeling that in spite of all the pain, unpleasantness, and nastiness, I have a sweet secret, and that is why, although it is nothing but a nuisance to me in a way, I always long for the time that I shall feel that secret within me again.
Sis Heyster also writes that girls of this age don't feel quite certain of themselves, and discover that they themselves are individuals with ideas, thoughts and habits. After I came here, when I was just fourteen, I began to think about myself soonar than most girls, and to know that I am a "person". Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night, I have a terrible desire to feel my breasts and to listen to the quiet rhythmic beat of my heart.
EndQuote
For a short excerpt go here, it's the best I could find.
Don't you get the feeling that you're an intruder? That you're not wanted between these honest private lines of writing? Told you that you should go, leave this page, but you wouldn't listen. When do you ever listen?

---

Yesterday I had a strange desire to look for where OK comes from. See this link!

---

I need a hug.

---

Are we really so alone in this world? Do you feel that the person closest to you HAS you in his/her life? I mean, by that, do you feel inside of that person? Or do you feel as just a pleasant nice guy with whom he/she likes hanging out? Is it or is it not about you?
...
...
...
We are much more alone than we think.

---

But there are also many more people with whom you wouldn't be alone. However, you have or will mijudge them - if you ever meet them even.
Isn't this world cruel?

---

We are not supposed to be happy all the time. Why, even according to Christianity! How come?
Should we be?
Does the idea of happily-ever-after tempt you? It doesn't work for me. Wouldn't eternal happiness be boring? Haha. Sad, but true. Happy is sad, how's that a paradox for you?

Read the previous post on Eternal Recurrence for a bit more about this (here).

---

If a stranger of opposite sex (presumably) approached you and said "I love you" would you believe it? How would you react?

(Possible reader thought (PRT): Why ask something useless like this?)

Can you reach the loudest yell? Can't you always yell louder?

(PRT: Or like this! Even more useless!)

Imagine a longtime-desired-kiss-of-your-dreams! (PRT: Yey!) Now, if that doesn't lift up your spirit, if that doesn't make you happy, it should make you very sad. You are lonely, or suffering, perhaps?
If neither happens, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Haha. See, I like that, I'm telling you what to feel. Hate me. (PRT: Okay)

---

Is all a human being wishe for that sense of ... connection, understanding... chemistry, with another entity?
What do you think?

Speak to me. Say something. Don't act deaf, I know you can hear...
I think we're sick and tired of the same things. We're sick and tired of being told "Be good", "act like this", "it's wrong to do that", blah blah. (PRT: I think I've read this before. H(u)mmm :-?)

Thought to question everything?

2006-11-15T20:35:00.000-08:00

My first post after upgrading to blogger beta!
Hello ... world!
I've lived this past few weeks... without writing one single bit. And now I'm here, wishing ... for what? Inspiration, I guess. Time is so slow... yet so fast...
No matter, I've good subjects to write on now: Nietzsche (hard to spell right), and, of course, me...
Nietzsche said that humans have killed God... but how?

The following is from here, an excerpt of Nietzsche's "The Gay Science". If you want to read more, follow the link, or go here for a summary of Nietzsche's morality.
Quote:
The Madman. Have you ever heard of the madman who on a bright morning lighted a lantern and ran to the market-place calling out unceasingly: "I seek God! I seek God!" As there were many people standing about who did not believe in God, he caused a great deal of amusement. Why? is he lost? said one. Has he strayed away like a child? said another. Or does he keep himself hidden? Is he afraid of us? Has he taken a sea voyage? Has he emigrated? - the people cried out laughingly, all in a hubbub. The insane man jumped into their midst and transfixed them with his glances. "Where is God gone?" he called out. "I mean to tell you! We have killed him, you and I! We are all his murderers! But how have we done it? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the whole horizon? What did we do when we loosened this earth from its sun? Whither does it now move? Whither do we move? Away from all suns? Do we not dash on unceasingly? Backwards, sideways, forwards, in all directions? Is there still an above and below? Do we not stray, as through infinite nothingness? Does not empty space breathe upon us? Has it not become colder? Does not night come on continually, darker and darker? Shall we not have to light lanterns in the morning? Do we not hear the noise of the grave-diggers who are burying God? Do we not smell the divine putrefaction? - for even Gods putrefy! God is dead! God remains dead! And we have killed him! How shall we console ourselves, the most murderous of all murderers? The holiest and the mightiest that the world has hitherto possessed, has bled to death under our knife - who will wipe the blood from us? With what water could we cleanse ourselves? What lustrums, what sacred games shall we have to devise? Is not the magnitude of this deed too great for us? Shall we not ourselves have to become Gods, merely to seem worthy of it? There never was a greater event - and on account of it, all who are born after us belong to a higher history than any history hitherto!" Here the madman was silent and looked again at his hearers; they also were silent and looked at him in surprise. At last he threw his lantern on the ground, so that it broke in pieces and was extinguished. "I come too early," e then said. "I am not yet at the right time. This prodigious event is still on its way, and is traveling - it has not yet reached men's ears. Lightning and thunder need time, the light of the stars needs time, deeds need time, even after they are done, to be seen and heard. This deed is as yet further from them than the furthest star - and yet they have done it themselves!" It is further stated that the madman made his way into different churches on the same day, and there intoned his Requiem aeternam deo. When led out and called to account, he always gave the reply: "What are these churches now, if they are not the tombs and monuments of God?"
EndQuote
Nietzsche was a strange man, and ... you can see that if you read through the links. I'm too digressive and unfocused right now to pursue further inward Nietzsche's philosophy, but what I get from the tiny bits of material that I've read ... is a strong cohesion between ideas. There's a pessimism, and a strange state of trance. it's amazing how clear everything he says is... he is the kind of practical-direct philosopher, perhaps...
I wrote my reaction paper on him, below, on another piece of his philosophy:
Quote:

Reaction paper 5
Nietzsche

One of the most influential and misunderstood philosophers of the modern era, Nietzsche criticized, among other things, Christianity. An interesting quote that I found on him was the following: “Never yield to remorse, but at once tell yourself: remorse would simply mean adding to the first act of stupidity a second.”(The Wanderer and his Shadow,s. 323, R.J. Hollingdale translation). This quote connects so well with Nietzsche’s sayings about the Eternal Recurrence!

Nietzsche resurrects the problem of recurrence (of life): What if everything was to repeat itself indefinitely? What if a demon came to us and said: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more”, he proposes. As Heidegger pointed out, Nietzsche never speaks about the reality of "eternal recurrence" itself, but about the "thought of eternal recurrence." (Wikipedia) As a matter of fact, anyone who has seen the movie “Groundhog Day” pretty much knows a bit or two about Eternal Recurrence. I’m sure most of us think about it one way or the other. Most of the times, probably, in the form of “Is/was there anyone exactly like me out there?” But, imagined upon ourselves, the idea of living the same life over and over again, even though not knowing it (or not being believed by anyone like in the movie above) seems absurd, intolerable, and terrifying; or, as Nietzsche says – “weigh[ing] upon your [our] actions as the greatest stress”. I find it very strange that we hope for similarity, yet when it comes to repetitiveness we are so afraid. The idea of Nietzsche’s Eternal Recurrence, though, is that it is mainly impossible to be that “well disposed” to be able to accept such a recurrence. So the very thought of reliving the life requires an optimistic view of life… Also, the Eternal Recurrence demands that we make every moment of our lives as interesting and as full as possible.
EndQuote

Let me move on... as I plan to recurr back to Nietzsche someday later on...

I have the strange feeling I'm getting closer to some dangerous truth about US. I'm not discriminating and I'm not criticizing. I'm observing... And I feel the people here are so... unhappy. Perhaps fullfilled, as much as you can say that about one who is not happy in the real meaning. They might be excited or enthusiastic about something, but I've not seem them happy... not as I know happiness is. And, since, like all of us, I would rather not question my judgement until proven guilty, I feel I am right: you are not happy, are you, Americans?
It's like... 99 percent of the people I see everyday don't really honestly communicate; I don't sense that feeling of community, of... symbiosis between two or more people. Where is it? What happened to it? Not even between lovers I don't see it. Maybe it's hidden, maybe it's how it's here...
However I am not an utopist so I will admit that I've seen some people who are contempt and seem to know or have known happiness. Very few, but alive and breathing...

I'm in love. Yes, she's an alien! But she's my fuzzy alien!

I'm sad. Yes, she's away. Yes, I am still looking for my home, again.

I feel peaceful. Could it be the picture?

I feel loved. I feel missed. I feel alone and never alone. I am in the middle of... nothing. Somewhere, everywhere, something somehow will somewhat happen. I feel... too much, too little? Some things cannot be too much. Or too little. This would be a good start for a theory of nothigness
I can't... can I? I can't make you think. I can't make you move. I can't make you curious... I am weak... and you are inert. You are dead... but did I kill you? If we are all so liveless, how can God be alive? What do you feel everyday?... Question that, now not later...

Keep yourself alive.

Quoted advice for inner self

2006-10-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

All from:
Smart Question Email Coaching
STOP and THINK for one thoughtful minute per day and you'll CHANGE YOUR LIFE
http://www.smartquestion.com

I have extracted some excerpts for you to read. They're not so bad... although just reading them won't change your life.

Email 1:
*** COACH'S TIP ***

Write your dreams down! Don’t have any dreams? Please care about
yourself enough to go searching for them. It’s bringing our
dreams to life that gives our lives meaning and purpose.

Clearly defining our dreams, setting intention and giving them
attention, moves us towards our goals. And this brings us
excitement, passion and fulfillment.

*** INSPIRATION ***

"The purpose of goals is to focus our attention. The
mind will not reach toward achievement until it has
clear objectives. The magic begins when we set goals.
It is then that the switch is turned on, the current
begins to flow, and the power to accomplish becomes a
reality." -- From The Best of Success, compiled by Wynn
Davis

Email 2:
*** COACH'S TIP ***

All blocks arise when we’re not being authentic, when we’re not
being true to ourselves.

When our thoughts, feelings and actions align with our essence,
we express the qualities of soul. Always trust that your soul
knows what's best for you. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND ACT ON YOUR
IDEAS. Give yourself permission to do what you want with your
life. Take the initiative to set meaningful goals for yourself
and achieve them. Begin to tell yourself why you CAN have what
you want.

*** INSPIRATION ***

"A true knowledge of ourselves is knowledge of our power."
-- Mark Rutherford

Email 3:
*** INSPIRATION ***

"Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated. You
can't cross a chasm in two small jumps." -- David Lloyd George

Email 7:
*** COACH'S TIP ***

We are creatures of habit, of patterns. While initially
the habits may have served us, they may now be limiting
our ability to experience more of life.

What aspect of your life has become routine?
How might you bring new life to it?
Do some outrageous dreaming!

*** INSPIRATION ***

"The most important thing in science is not so much to
obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking
about them." -- Sir William Bragg

Email 16:
*** INSPIRATION ***

"Why has time disappeared in our culture? How is it
that after decades of inventions and new technologies
devoted to saving time and labor, the result is that
there is no time left? We are a time-poor society; we
are temporally impoverished. And there is no issue, no
aspect of human life, that exceeds this in importance.
The destruction of time is literally the destruction of
life." -- Jacob Needleman

Email 22:
*** COACH'S TIP ***

Always trust that you know what's best for you. To move forward
in your life, gather information from the ‘experts,’ consider how
their advice relates to your situation and then act only on what
feels right for you. You are the only expert for your own life.

*** INSPIRATION ***

"If [the teacher] is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the
house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of
your own mind." -- Kahlil Gibran

Email 35:
*** INSPIRATION ***

"Your body is the ground and metaphor of your life, the
expression of your existence. It is your Bible, your
encyclopedia, your life story. Everything that happens to
you is stored and reflected in your body. In the marriage of
flesh and spirit divorce is impossible." -- Gabrielle Roth

[PTP] A frightening reality

2006-10-19T19:48:00.001-07:00

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of
adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet, 'Meditations Divine and Moral,' 1655

Are we really that much utilitarian today, that we cannot consider anything absolute? Does EVERYTHING have to be relative? Why? Why why why?
To quote John (actor Peter MacNicol), from the Ally McBeal series, "this troubles me". Being utilitarian is being practical. Saying that the right thing is that which brings the most good to the greatest number of people - extremely practical.
But shockingly unpleasant. Utilitarianism is also hand-in-hand with consequentialism (a.k.a. only the facts matter), so... if a lawyer can show that a murderer had no intention of killing the victim, then the penalty is milder. But, say, what if - there's always the "what if?" - what if he really did intend to?...

Our society is based on the most practical solution, but our mind is (or should be) inclined towards the other one - called deontological. I suddenly had the feeling that every model we have all had while growing up is fake. Yet, the clichees we experience all around us - about happiness, and doing good, and the lonely "saints" that eventually end up happy, with the love of their lives - yes, they are all illusions. We are mere "numbers" to the society. Is the way the judicial (law) system is built now really the best solution we have come up with in thousands of years of inhabiting this planet?

Einstein said it best: "Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
(picture from here)
"Don't think you are going to conceal thoughts by concealing evidence that they ever existed." - Dwight D. Eisenhower, speech at Dartmouth College, June 14, 1953 - FALSE, you can concieve thoughts. It's all consequences!
"So far, about morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after." - Ernest Hemingway - You said it! This is utilitarianism in it's most horrific form...

Okay. Where am I getting at? Since today is not a very coherent day for me, I'll just say it: Immanuel Kant

For Kant, the morally important thing is not consequences but the way choosers think when they make choices.

Kant says that only one [kind of] thing is inherently good, and that is the good will.
The will
* found in humans but not nonhuman animals
* not a material thing
* it is our power of rational moral choice
* its presence gives humans their inherent dignity

What makes the will good? The will is good when it acts out of duty, not out of inclination.

What does it mean to act out of inclination? To do something because it makes you feel good or because you hope to gain something from it.

What does it mean to act out of duty? Kant says this means that we should act from respect for the moral law.

How do we do that? We must know what the moral law is.

How do we know that? We use the "Categorical Imperative".

CATEGORICAL IMPERATIVE: Act only on those maxims (or rules of action) that you could at the same time will to be a universal law.

Basically, every time you act, you create a universal law. Would you like others to do the same? Would you like to do the same everytime? (Oh, there's a great comedy to illustrate this point - Click (2006) with Adam Sandler:D)

The Categorical Imperative is a rule for testing rules.
Basically it requires the following steps:
* Before you act, consider the maxim or principle on which you are acting.
* Generalize that principle.
* PERFORM TEST ONE.
If, once generalized, it no longer makes any sense because it contradicts itself, then it is wrong to use that maxim as a basis for action.
* IF NECESSARY PERFORM TEST TWO (a.k.a. Reversibility)
If the generalized version makes sense, then ask whether you would choose to live in a world where it was followed by everyone. If not, do not act on that maxim.
(Source for summary on Kant's philosophy here)

Another thing that Kant said, which is equivalent to the Categorical Imperative is "Do not treat others as means to an end (a.k.a. do not use them), rather as ends themselves."

If you wish to read about morality in Kant's vision (and I do recommend the texts, real modern philosophy!), I have gathered a couple of webplaces. Click here for a short writing (the one I've read and commented a bit here). Or follow the links below:
A huge archive of Kant's work
Some texts in various formats, directly linked
So... which are you? Utilitarian? Deontological? I think a part of us are somewhat a bit of both - but most are just... mainly utilitarian. Sad :( Where's the love?
(picture from here)

Little obsessions

2006-10-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

What? You've never had them?

So... what makes me weird?
Well, if you're out there on the streets, and we meet, I'll probably look at you. In your eyes. For color? Nay. I like faces... and I love to feel. Faces are the parts of the human body that make me feel most. And, since I'm straight, it works better with girls' faces.

I've listened to two of the Pussycat Dolls' songs today - "Beep", and "Don't cha". There's something funny in them, and something true. In a way, the best way to put this is in Bloodhoung Gang lyrics - "we are nothing but mammals". And, we have to admit that, in a sense, a part of us always desires things that seem strange to the other part. In support of this statement (ooooh, look how fancy I argue) I quote Kierkegaard (funny how every time I feel like writing something, there's a "coincidence" in what I've read to quote from): "Generally speaking, the imperfection in everything human is that its aspirations are achieved only by way of their opposites. I shall not discuss the variety of formations, which can give a psychologist plenty to do (the melancholy have the best sense of the comic, the most opulent often the best sense of the rustic, the dissolute often the best sense of the morel, the doubter often the best sense of the religious), but merely call to mind that it is through sin that one gains a first glimpse of salvation." - No comment. Author: Soren Kierkegaard, Either/Or (chapter "Diapsalmata")

Don't we wish, somehow, that the childhood obsessions about stuff... the impression of the first child we've "made friends" with, or the first peck-kiss, or the first look of a girl/boy, or the first time you combed/brushed your hair. Oh gee! How can you not desire a glimpse of childhood heaven back? Wouldn't you like someone to lift you off your feet, over and over again? We're all lucky if we find that someone - and we probably should hold on tight. The warmth of another, and the memory of that warmth, means more and more, brings you closer to that glimpse of heaven...

I don't know, I'm kinda the company-type, I need someone by my side, with whom to share my feelings. I have people, and I have words. I feel it gives my life a meaning - to be able to feel the way I can/cannot dream of, and have someone else with me to prove it. Maybe, somehow, by myself I'm not sure that the truth is ... real. It's like two truths are better than one.

Yes. Kierkegaard again, same work: "The most beautiful time is the first period of falling in love, when, from every encounter, every glance, one fetches home something new to rejoice over."
I have a quote in one of the polls - it says "To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven" - Karen Sunde
(picture on the left from here)

And again, Kierkegaard: "I have, I believe, the courage to doubt everything; I have, I believe, the courage to fight against everything; but I do not have the courage to acknowledge anything, the courage to possess, to own, anything. Most people complain that the world is so prosaic that things do not go in life as in the novel, where opportunity is always favorable. I complain that in life it is not as in the novel, where one has hardheaded fathers and nisses and trolls to battle, and enchanted princesses to free. What are all such adversaries together compared with the pale, bloodless, tenacious-of-life nocturnal forms with which I battle and to which I myself give life and existence." Indeed, IF ONLY we could imagine the real world!

But, say that we could. Wouldn't it be impossible for things to be as we desire? I think so. We are merely NOT FACING THE WORLD. And, under the pressure of everyday life, I don't blame you. But we have to try, again and again... ah, life is so unfair.

(picture from here)

We are strange. Watch Ally McBeal. Think of democracy - it's stupid. It's false for you, whoever you are; but at least it's true for the rest. Another way to say this is ... everyone in power claims it is democracy, everyone undermined claims it is not.

We should know we have strange desires. Read Freud, kiss a tree, watch a raindrop fall, run naked through your house, stare at yourself in the mirror, be surprised by how/who you are, break a glass, jump through fire, open your eyes underwater even if they hurt, rock yourself until you're deaf, make a hat out of a watermelon. What? What? WHAAAT? Maybe I haven't said enough, but you get the point. And if I would have gone on, I probably could say now: "I'm sure there's one thing in this list that you did or thought about doing" - because we are weird! We have to accept that.
I mean, of course, we should also get acquainted with our weird desires, so that we know what to expect, or what to warn others to expect :D. But... part of being is accepting. Or at least understanding... We might all differ at some points, but we are human beings. And, to some extent, we shouldn't be ashamed or trying to hide our ... secrets, from everyone, all the time. Be they fetishes, phobias, or any other kind of obsession... we all have some, one way or the other. And the stressing life we lead helps them increase in number and intensity... we want relief, peace... happiness, each of us in a personal form.

(picture from here)

This excerpt is from my Engl1A course, a free writing based on a single word ("WITNESS"):
"I'm reading a book now, it's called 'London transports', written by Maeve Binchy. I've read another one of hers before, but this one's different. A collection of little stories, all with no real connection to one another, except London. Now, what does this have to do with witness? Well, I always feel like one when I'm reading this book. Every 10-or-so page story has a mind and soul of its own, and makes me think about me, and the characters, and how the reader is a witness to those. I wonder if one day I'll be able to write a short story like that, that'll make other people feel like short-time witnesses of my world. I think a lot about writing, and I witness it in every book. I've started to write because of... well, guess? I guess it's why most people start writing anyhow: it's because I couldn't handle the pressure of my own thoughts. I had to let them out, and after I did, it felt so great that I wanted to do it again. Now, I don't know if I am to become a writer, but I had a revelation about how wonderful it could be, a few years ago. It's really strange, cause I'm a science freak, and a computer one, but I love it more than anything else. Except people."

And this is another one, based on the "KNOWLEDGE":
Sides of truth. One way to think of knowledge is so sad, it makes knowing something not worth it: the more you know, the more you realize there's much more to know. Kind of like climbing a mountain, the higher you are, the smaller you feel, and the more you see...
Another way to think about it is feeling. You can feel knowledge, just because it is comprised of "the outside", and it can be words, images, sounds ... sculptures? No matter, knowledge is felt, and some say the best way to know and learn is to give everything special meaning.
There's a quote on knowledge, by H.R. Pagels: "What we want is knowledge, but what we get is information". This just means that people wish knowledge wasn't so meaningful, in a way." (in another way...)

Okay. Since God's (or whoever/whatever's, as you wish to believe) powers of time are greater than my own, I shall approach the end of what I thought would be a long consistent confession...

... Who/What do you think of before you go to bed?

Journal assignment

2006-10-06T18:16:00.001-07:00

This is my journal assignment for the English course. Short and honest.

Thursday, September 28, 2006
Day one

It’s me. Again. But not again again, just… again. I had time today, after a while, to think more. I miss home, but I won’t write about that, again. Not again again…

I actually had a meaningful conversation today, and it’s been a while since that happened. You know, you never actually realize how much it matters to be “at the scene” to actually feel close to a place, part of it. I mean, … my friends are so busy now. And so am I. But, even though they write me about how Romania is, this and that, I don’t feel there anymore, I only feel what I know. And, I guess, to me, Romania will always be how I left it. And I talked to a friend about what’s up around there today... it was nice.

Hey, another thing, I walked home from DeAnza today! Really, I did… for the first time. It took me about half an hour, but it was worth it. I saw a kid riding his bike, he reminded me of Vince I just met in the English course: he likes riding bikes. And I thought I might get some roller skates and get home from school that way. But I prefer a car; I’d be able to go places easier… much easier. There’s no way you can do much here without a car! It’s not like a big city – Bucharest (or San Francisco), or anything else, where you just have everything you need in your walking area. Or great public transportation.

I way saying I had time today. What do you think, ey? Well, if I had time for you, I must have had time for lots of other things as well, you think... Cause, diary, although you are you, you are last on the list. That’s why I don’t keep writing every day; but when I do, I fill (actually flood) pages and pages, and pages…

I still don’t feel fully settled in US, you know? I can’t wait to be back on this paper one day and write: “Hey, I love it here! I remember how it all started, but it worked out great. I’ve got new great friends and a place for myself, a ton of dreams and a piece of paper to share these words with, etc”

But there’s time… and time is on my side. Yet.

Friday, September 28, 2006
Day two

I like counting days. That’s why I put the day number up here, everyday; maybe because I’m young I like to count them…

So, how was today? Is that what you’re expecting?

Today was great! It might have been the start of a beautiful friendship: I met a guy and I think we get along well. Although he’s American, he didn’t mind me saying that I think American people are cold(er) than Romanians. He said Europe is much better, and he likes it. I felt understood.

[...]

I even started a new math seminar today (or better said it started and I joined), and it’s a lot about problem solving. I might like it… and it sounds promising.

Even my calculus class went alright. I might have a new friend there, too… She’s from Iran. And we talked a bit in class. It’s nice that someone I could meet is potentially from any country in the world. I like that, it’s new to me.

Tomorrow’s Saturday, and my family and I are probably going somewhere; can’t wait!

Saturday, September 30, 2006
Day three

I woke up earlier than expected, for a Saturday, and I washed my face and signed in on Yahoo. I wanted to talk with my friends, like I usually do Saturday morning. And we talked, and talked.

My brother woke up late, and then spent another few hours playing/lying in bed, so we moved slowly. But we decided to go to Monterey. We ate at Bubba Gump, oh yeah! And I loved it!

Everyday I spend outside home I realize some new think about the US. I like the streets, and the buildings. The nature here has always been kind of impersonal for my picture of what’s actually “natural”. It’s too uniform, too… similar. I’m used to trees growing tilted and never being alike, each having perhaps a hollow or something… different. Not even two strings of grass have the same shape … they shouldn’t. Oh, anyway. Maybe it’s because I’m European, but, as a human being, any genetic or some similar sort of treatment to the environment does not sound ok with me…

Back to Monterey… I can’t believe how much I ate! There’s been 5 hours since then, and I’m still full. I’m probably not going to eat until tomorrow! Wow!

So, what am I trying to say? I guess this day meant something because I thought about many things all over again.

And I was the driver all the way – all 150 miles both ways; and I loved it! And we saw some interesting places, took some nice pictures… and, that’s the short story. I’m feeling short in writing right now… so… see you tomorrow!

Sunday, October 01, 2006
Day four

I didn’t do much today, and I think I caught a cold. Damn. Well… since I was kind of sick, I didn’t get out of the house, and I programmed most of the time, instead. I finally got around finishing the software me and my brother started.

And before that I read for my philosophy class – Rene Descartes. Wow! That guy really had a lot to say! I was reading his thoughts, right there on the paper, and how clearly he spoke to himself. He was actually doing something! I enjoy picturing myself in other people’s shoes (and I think most people do, and they do that because sometimes their own life is ‘already known’, not so exciting, or … even worse), so I took my time. I tried to understand what he was saying… about what’s real and what’s not. Reality might not be real, according to him, and many others. Because, he says, we can’t really tell when we’re asleep and when we’re awake, there’s just a vague feeling of that; but some dreams can be so real, and some facts seem so imaginary… “I think, therefore I am”, that’s his famous phrase. So, on the other way around, it would become “I am not, therefore I do not think”, which makes sense too!

I was thinking… how human beings actually fool themselves each day with untruths, and how true it is that we base our lives on things that are mostly made up… concepts, ideas, yeah… few of them are actually supported by facts. But that’s the nature of our mind – enquiring, curious, desiring… a quest, yeah! I like quests, and I like reason… I might be more of an introvert than an extrovert, but I think I socialize all the time… Well, except when I’m not. Ha, what a smart answer! Anyway… enough is enough. I think that, if you wanna clear your mind, you should write, and write a lot. And think about little in many ways… the infinite sides of truth, something like that. I could write a book with that title (if it hasn’t already been written…)

I’ve got some books now, and I’ll probably start reading “Fast food nation” after I finish my own. A clear line, a story, something to put my mind against, always clears my head… makes me feel… capable and coherent. Nice!

Monday, October 02, 2006
Day five

My cold is getting better, I think.

We got the math exam back today, and I scored higher than I thought I would…

Gee, I feel great! My dad came back from Romania, and he brought me something from my dearest friend. She got me two books: Paulo Coelho – The Valkyries (his latest) and Maeve Binchy – Scarlet Feather, which I left her before I came to the US. I can’t wait to read them, someday… And I also got a letter and some Disneyland stuff!

Oh boy, long distance is really not that big a deal in days like these… it makes me feel much closer to home. And also cared about. This is another day when I think about my place here, and I’m sure I’ll find one…

I played tennis, and relaxed a bit…

I could say that today was the kind of “one step forward” day, when I get closer to my goals and further from loneliness. I guess I’m afraid of being lonely, to some extent… even though I never actually am, anymore…

Wacky links

2006-10-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I will post some link I like or find interesting, so... enjoy! You can post your own, of course, and I'll look into it.
Look to the right (Links) for the last date an entry was added.

[Long story short] Two

2006-09-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

Back to One
J: I just remembered...
(silence)
They are lying on the grass again. He, and she, and nobody else. It's dark. Julie and Martin.
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)

M: I love water. Falling water, actually... I felt it again today. It's amazing how feminine it makes me feel: I wanted to kiss the water, to embrace it, to press it against me. I felt like I was not there, but somewhere else... You know, this was really the first day I realized I could feel like that in the shower.
J: It's quite a song water sings, everytime...
M: At one point, after minutes and minutes, I thought you must have showered in it too. Maybe not the same water, but... what if... and, even if not, water's everywhere. It was near you, I felt it; and I also felt close to you because of it... I felt that I could send you my love through the gentle flow, and it would travel oceans and clouds and be right next to you. All the time. Forever... I could've kissed something you touched, right then... I could fly then... and reach out to you...
J: Maybe that's why I like to take a bath, you know... surrounded by water everywhere, I'm... safe. And it's warm, and gentle, and slow... Water is slow and fast, don't you think so? And maybe you are there. I didn't realize...
M: Time was different; I could feel it passing by; so slowly... I turned my back from the shower (cap) and felt the water flowing on my back. And I thought what if you were surprising me, what if you jumped on my back right then. In the wet mirror in front I saw me, slow me... but I was moving so fast, and it was always with me... the water. The water falling... Water falls...
J: Waterfalls.
M: Waterfalls. Let's imagine...
J: A waterfall!
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
(She jumps straight up.)
J: Hey! I didn't scare you?
M: I know. Strange, isn't it? I'm naturally very scared, but not from you. You...
J: I... thought of something. I thought we should draw something together.
M: A waterfall?
J: Maybe...
M: Wow...
J: Hey, I just realized... that water can also kill. How can such a romantic existence do evil?
M: Maybe it's not evil... It doesn't kill by itself...
J: Yeah... yes! Kiss me!
M: You are my waterfall...
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
M: What color are you?
J: Does it matter?
M: Doesn't it?
(silence)
(silence)
J: I ... you.
M: ... you too...
J: Me too. You know what? I'm water! I wanna be water right now. Embrace me, like you did this morning, show me how you felt!
M: You are my waterfall... what if you're green?
(silence)
(silence)
J: I am greenish. I couldn't be green... I'm water!
M: This is your soul, my waterfall. And I can be right in the middle of it. L...
J: (slowly) O...
M: (slowly) V...
J: (slowly) E...
(silence)
M: I want...
J: I WANT... you. But we are only human... and you cannot go through my soul.
M: L-O-V-E
J: But you can be water, and I can be water. And we can feel each other's gentle touch and soft embrace. And we can kiss the flow, and go with it...
(silence)
J: And be together, in the middle of the water, falling.
M: Waterfall.
J: Waterfall!
M: Our waterfall! Hold me from holding you or hold me tight. As tight as you can, because you can't break me. I am water...
(silence)
J: L-O-V-E
(silence)
J: What color am I?
M: Does it matter?
J: Can water fall up?
M: It can evaporate... it can... be a cloud! Let's say it can fall up! I feel I'm falling up, so...
J: I know...
M: ... you
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
M: We can be any color...
J: ... you... too... too.
M: You are white. You are pure...
J: You are blue. You are clear...
M: You are red. You are passionate...
J: You are yellow. You are meditative...
M: You are green. You are natural...
J: You are black. Mysterious...
M: You are pink. Joyful...
J: You are purple. Peaceful...
M: Like the sunset... You are orange. Warm...
J: Like the sun... Brown. Huggable...
M: Like a tree... Tan. Delicate...
J: Like skin... Silver. Purifying...
(silence)
(silence)
(silence)
M: You are my color...
J: You are my color...
M: What color are we?
(silence)
J: Water. Water is our color...
M: We are a waterfall.
J: Water can fall up...
M: Our waterfall...
M&J: (together) Our waterfall!
(silence)
(silence)
J: Kiss me!
(silence)
(silence)
... the end

Find all LSS here

[New story] The contemplative seagull

2006-09-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

Pictures: Pescadero Beach, CA

Yeah, that's related to the title...

"You don't know what I see out there. You don't even SEE, not to talk about knowing! I am for you like you are for God - just one... encounter. Is it? Maybe... I see...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

(Louis Armstrong, What a wonderful world)

Yes, it's a wonderful world! But I see the neverending. I see life closer to the essence than can you, because I am part of this world and you are not.
Why are you not, do you know? I'm looking at you, can't you see?

Raise your hand if you've ever felt out of this world. Can't you see, for God's sake (or mine, if not) that you're not even trying? Are you even in touch? 99% of the time you live the life of man. YOU have created this life... and it is not life as any of us, creatures, know it. Your living is for the society, or/and for something virtual. VIRTUAL. What is life to you? Is it really life? What is the life of man? It can't even be called that, anymore. Look at you, you pathetic worm. Okay, I don't mean that. I'm just a bird, what do I know...
No, I'm not upset with you. You shouldn't go away just like that... you should listen to what you don't like, as I hope you still have in you the last bit of humanity to recognize that you are not what you were born to be, you are not... human. Do you think you are?
Look at this. What do you see?
Yes. I have brothers and sisters. Have you?

Look, I don't want you to think too much. I don't want to harm you; but maybe you could feel... the world. Is there a real world? Don't you prefer not to live in it? Why? Why, why, why? Didn't your (man)kind make this world into the 'as is' version of today? Do you hate mankind? Or any man? Why? Do you FEEL yourself? Cause I think you just ignore the very base of your existence - YOU. What is this 'I' people are always talking about? What's your self, personal identity, your being and time?
Why are you alone even with me? I am here, you are here. Other human beings are here, other birds are here. Why, then, you are alone?
So, maybe you did something stupid. Maybe you don't know who you are. If you do, congrats! Would you tell a bird that?... Ehhh, time to think about it...

I still live the old way - fight for the food, look for my love, fly out into the ocean... and even if I get caught in the wave...
... I always remember who I am, and what I'm doing here, in this world...
Do I care about you? Of course I don't.
That's why I'll leave you alone now...
Or should I leave you with your self?"

There's an allegory of the cave, better concerning with the discrepance between what is real and what is imaginary. A preconception of The Matrix, now popular movie, in some way. Long story short, some people are held facing the wall of a cave; they see the shadows of objects projected by fire and eventually one of them breaks free of the "slavery". What happens next, and between, you may see in the text. Although the assumptions or the words may seem a bit out of their place for you (or better said, you might disagree with how thoughts are displayed), the ideas behind the text are marvelous in themselves, and are the beginning of a new thinking. A great quote I found on this is "When facing our reality with another, we are afraid to look behind the shadows, to transcend."

This is it, and here's the link to the text: The Republic, by Plato
Oh, and, if you're interested in debating anything about this post, just... leave a comment ffs! :D

Special thanks to:
Marius, for most of the pictures
Also thanks to:
The "Intro to philosophy" course, and the great "unpredictable laws of nature" (quoting my teacher) for timing this just right.

Thanks for reading thus far. If you want more pictures, just contact me for a link!

[PTP] Aristotle - MY STATEMENT

2006-09-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

Picture:
Wonder Mountain, Toronto Area, Ontario, Canada
... i know, it doesn't look real...

MY STATEMENT

Here, that should be all about happiness... right? Well, according to Aristotle, that's not enough. He tries to answer the question "What is justice?", which Plato left unfinished. And he somewhat succeeds! And this happiness discourse is just a part of the bigger picture. Again, for more info, check out the web.
I think it's amazing, I really do... Just look at what he's saying, carefully: happiness is virtue. Virtue is ... balance, equilibrium, a state of character... So the secret of happiness would be... the middle road? I find that's plausible. I mean, although it's a bit idealistic for a man to be able to judge all these "means" (and he talks about them a lot too, in the next chapters), in my own experience I found that (adolescent) adventures which exceed the mean area are ... actually in there. The activity of doing something which brings you contempt, peace, fulfillment, intensity... all of these, even associated with pleasure (or passion, as he often says), have a MEAN (Aristotle's Golden Mean). It makes sense. And, furthermore, it's extremely well sought by religion, I bet. It's not just a coincidence that it goes way up to our times.

So, the soul is:
1. Vegetative - Plant-like, representing growth and nurturing <=> nature's call of "time to change"
2. Appetitive - Animal-like, full of desire, passion and essentially good/bad feelings (determined by wants and their results as ACTIONS/ACTIVITIES)
3. Rational (Reason) - The one thing that separates us from the rest. This also has to do with self-consciousness, belief, and... most importantly, with virtue and happiness.

Although it may not be clear that this is the way we are, he is right to some extent. You could, almost perfectly, split all of man's existance into three cathegories, and put them each in one of these 1,2,3... Right?

So, in his vision (and somewhat in mine), happiness has nothing to do with anything except... activities of the soul. Although, for me, the deepest and most rewarding activity of the soul is love, (and I am still young, yes, maybe that has a bit to do with it) I also find knowledge, sport, or art, very intense activities. Perhaps there are others... so, to be optimistic, you can look at it this way: there's a thousand ways to be happy! Really! So smile, then think of what is you and do it!

ALSO READ:
Aristotle - The basics
Aristotle - Happiness

[PTP] Aristotle - Happiness

2006-09-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

Picture:
Wild Mountain, Owens Valley, California
... peace, or happiness?

The following are: Quotes from Aristotelian Nicomachean Ethics
(Check out www.constitution.org/ari/ethic_00.htm for more info)
My comments are in Italic

Book I
8. We must consider it (good), however, in the light not only of our conclusion and our promises, but also of what is commonly said about it; for with a true view all the data harmonize, but with a false one the facts soon clash. Now goods have been divided into three classes, and some are described as external, others as relating to soul or to body; we call those that relate to soul most properly and truly goods, and psychical actions and activities we class as relating to soul. Therefore our account must be sound, at least according to this view, which is an old one and agreed on by philosophers. It is correct also in that we identify the end with certain actions and activities; for thus it falls among goods of the soul and not among external goods. Another belief which harmonizes with our account is that the happy man lives well and does well; for we have practically defined happiness as a sort of good life and good action. The characteristics that are looked for in happiness seem also, all of them, to belong to what we have defined happiness as being. For some identify happiness with virtue, some with practical wisdom, others with a kind of philosophic wisdom, others with these, or one of these, accompanied by pleasure or not without pleasure; while others include also external prosperity. Now some of these views have been held by many men and men of old, others by a few eminent persons; and it is not probable that either of these should be entirely mistaken, but rather that they should be right in at least some one respect or even in most respects.

With those who identify happiness with virtue or some one virtue our account is in harmony; for to virtue belongs virtuous activity. But it makes, perhaps, no small difference whether we place the chief good in possession or in use, in state of mind or in activity. For the state of mind may exist without producing any good result, as in a man who is asleep or in some other way quite inactive, but the activity cannot; for one who has the activity will of necessity be acting, and acting well (justifying activity as the essence). And as in the Olympic Games it is not the most beautiful and the strongest that are crowned but those who compete (for it is some of these that are victorious), so those who act win, and rightly win, the noble and good things in life.

Their life is also in itself pleasant. For pleasure is a state of soul, and to each man that which he is said to be a lover of is pleasant; e.g. not only is a horse pleasant to the lover of horses, and a spectacle to the lover of sights, but also in the same way just acts are pleasant to the lover of justice and in general virtuous acts to the lover of virtue. Now for most men their pleasures are in conflict with one another because these are not by nature pleasant, but the lovers of what is noble find pleasant the things that are by nature pleasant; and virtuous actions are such, so that these are pleasant for such men as well as in their own nature (could it be any clearer?) . Their life, therefore, has no further need of pleasure as a sort of adventitious charm, but has its pleasure in itself (doesn't that remind you of certain religions of the world?). For, besides what we have said, the man who does not rejoice in noble actions is not even good; since no one would call a man just who did not enjoy acting justly, nor any man liberal who did not enjoy liberal actions; and similarly in all other cases. If this is so, virtuous actions must be in themselves pleasant. But they are also good and noble, and have each of these attributes in the highest degree, since the good man judges well about these attributes; his judgment is such as we have described. Happiness then is the best, noblest, and most pleasant thing in the world, and these attributes are not severed as in the inscription at Delos --

Most noble is that which is justest, and best is health;
But pleasantest is it to win what we love.(sniff... beautiful!)

For all these properties belong to the best activities; and these, or one -- the best -- of these, we identify with happiness.

Yet evidently, as we said, it needs the external goods as well; for it is impossible, or not easy, to do noble acts without the proper equipment. In many actions we use friends and riches and political power as instruments; and there are some things the lack of which takes the lustre from happiness, as good birth, goodly children, beauty; for the man who is very ugly in appearance or ill-born or solitary and childless is not very likely to be happy, and perhaps a man would be still less likely if he had thoroughly bad children or friends or had lost good children or friends by death. As we said, then, happiness seems to need this sort of prosperity in addition; for which reason some identify happiness with good fortune, though others identify it with virtue.

9. (this is only if you want to know why only conscientious human beings can be happy:)

For this reason also the question is asked, whether happiness is to be acquired by learning or by habituation or some other sort of training, or comes in virtue of some divine providence or again by chance. Now if there is any gift of the gods to men, it is reasonable that happiness should be god-given, and most surely god-given of all human things inasmuch as it is the best. But this question would perhaps be more appropriate to another inquiry; happiness seems, however, even if it is not god-sent but comes as a result of virtue and some process of learning or training, to be among the most godlike things; for that which is the prize and end of virtue seems to be the best thing in the world, and something godlike and blessed.

It will also on this view be very generally shared; for all who are not maimed as regards their potentiality for virtue may win it by a certain kind of study and care. But if it is better to be happy thus than by chance, it is reasonable that the facts should be so, since everything that depends on the action of nature is by nature as good as it can be, and similarly everything that depends on art or any rational cause, and especially if it depends on the best of all causes. To entrust to chance what is greatest and most noble would be a very defective arrangement.

The answer to the question we are asking is plain also from the definition of happiness; for it has been said to be a virtuous activity of soul, of a certain kind. Of the remaining goods, some must necessarily pre-exist as conditions of happiness, and others are naturally co-operative and useful as instruments. And this will be found to agree with what we said at the outset; for we stated the end of political science to be the best end, and political science spends most of its pains on making the citizens to be of a certain character, viz. good and capable of noble acts.

It is natural, then, that we call neither ox nor horse nor any other of the animals happy; for none of them is capable of sharing in such activity. For this reason also a boy is not happy; for he is not yet capable of such acts, owing to his age; and boys who are called happy are being congratulated by reason of the hopes we have for them. For there is required, as we said, not only complete virtue but also a complete life, since many changes occur in life, and all manner of chances, and the most prosperous may fall into great misfortunes in old age, as is told of Priam in the Trojan Cycle; and one who has experienced such chances and has ended wretchedly no one calls happy.

10. [...] For no function of man has so much permanence as virtuous activities (these are thought to be more durable even than knowledge of the sciences), and of these themselves the most valuable are more durable because those who are happy spend their life most readily and most continuously in these; for this seems to be the reason why we do not forget them. The attribute in question, then, will belong to the happy man, and he will be happy throughout his life; for always, or by preference to everything else, he will be engaged in virtuous action and contemplation, and he will bear the chances of life most nobly and altogether decorously, if he is 'truly good' and 'foursquare beyond reproach'.

13. (what is happiness? what is virtue?)
Since happiness is an activity of soul in accordance with perfect virtue, we must consider the nature of virtue; for perhaps we shall thus see better the nature of happiness. [...] But clearly the virtue we must study is human virtue; for the good we were seeking was human good and the happiness human happiness. By human virtue we mean not that of the body but that of the soul; and happiness also we call an activity of soul. [...]

Some things are said about it, adequately enough, even in the discussions outside our school, and we must use these; e.g. that one element in the soul is irrational and one has a rational principle. Whether these are separated as the parts of the body or of anything divisible are, or are distinct by definition but by nature inseparable, like convex and concave in the circumference of a circle, does not affect the present question.

Of the irrational element one division seems to be widely distributed, and vegetative in its nature, I mean that which causes nutrition and growth; for it is this kind of power of the soul that one must assign to all nurslings and to embryos, and this same power to fullgrown creatures; this is more reasonable than to assign some different power to them. Now the excellence of this seems to be common to all species and not specifically human; for this part or faculty seems to function most in sleep, while goodness and badness are least manifest in sleep (whence comes the saying that the happy are not better off than the wretched for half their lives; and this happens naturally enough, since sleep is an inactivity of the soul in that respect in which it is called good or bad), unless perhaps to a small extent some of the movements actually penetrate to the soul, and in this respect the dreams of good men are better than those of ordinary people. Enough of this subject, however; let us leave the nutritive faculty alone, since it has by its nature no share in human excellence.

There seems to be also another irrational element in the soul -- one which in a sense, however, shares in a rational principle. For we praise the rational principle of the continent man and of the incontinent, and the part of their soul that has such a principle, since it urges them aright and towards the best objects; but there is found in them also another element naturally opposed to the rational principle, which fights against and resists that principle. For exactly as paralysed limbs when we intend to move them to the right turn on the contrary to the left, so is it with the soul; the impulses of incontinent people move in contrary directions. But while in the body we see that which moves astray, in the soul we do not. No doubt, however, we must none the less suppose that in the soul too there is something contrary to the rational principle, resisting and opposing it. In what sense it is distinct from the other elements does not concern us. Now even this seems to have a share in a rational principle, as we said; at any rate in the continent man it obeys the rational principle and presumably in the temperate and brave man it is still more obedient; for in him it speaks, on all matters, with the same voice as the rational principle.

Therefore the irrational element also appears to be two-fold. For the vegetative element in no way shares in a rational principle, but the appetitive and in general the desiring element in a sense shares in it, in so far as it listens to and obeys it; this is the sense in which we speak of 'taking account' of one's father or one's friends, not that in which we speak of 'accounting for a mathematical property. That the irrational element is in some sense persuaded by a rational principle is indicated also by the giving of advice and by all reproof and exhortation. And if this element also must be said to have a rational principle, that which has a rational principle (as well as that which has not) will be twofold, one subdivision having it in the strict sense and in itself, and the other having a tendency to obey as one does one's father.

Virtue too is distinguished into kinds in accordance with this difference; for we say that some of the virtues are intellectual and others moral, philosophic wisdom and understanding and practical wisdom being intellectual, liberality and temperance moral. For in speaking about a man's character we do not say that he is wise or has understanding but that he is good-tempered or temperate; yet we praise the wise man also with respect to his state of mind; and of states of mind we call those which merit praise virtues.

Book II
5. Next we must consider what virtue is. Since things that are found in the soul are of three kinds -- passions, faculties, states of character -- virtue must be one of these. By passions I mean appetite, anger, fear, confidence, envy, joy, friendly feeling, hatred, longing, emulation, pity, and in general the feelings that are accompanied by pleasure or pain; by faculties the things in virtue of which we are said to be capable of feeling these, e.g. of becoming angry or being pained or feeling pity; by states of character the things in virtue of which we stand well or badly with reference to the passions, e.g. with reference to anger we stand badly if we feel it violently or too weakly, and well if we feel it moderately; and similarly with reference to the other passions.

Now neither the virtues nor the vices are passions, because we are not called good or bad on the ground of our passions, but are so called on the ground of our virtues and our vices, and because we are neither praised nor blamed for our passions (for the man who feels fear or anger is not praised, nor is the man who simply feels anger blamed, but the man who feels it in a certain way), but for our virtues and our vices we are praised or blamed.

Again, we feel anger and fear without choice, but the virtues are modes of choice or involve choice. Further, in respect of the passions we are said to be moved, but in respect of the virtues and the vices we are said not to be moved but to be disposed in a particular way.

For these reasons also they are not faculties; for we are neither called good nor bad, nor praised nor blamed, for the simple capacity of feeling the passions; again, we have the faculties by nature, but we are not made good or bad by nature; we have spoken of this before. If, then, the virtues are neither passions nor faculties, all that remains is that they should be states of character.

Thus we have stated what virtue is in respect of its genus.

6. (what is virtue, what does it imply?) [...]
We must, however, not only describe virtue as a state of character, but also say what sort of state it is. We may remark, then, that every virtue or excellence both brings into good condition the thing of which it is the excellence and makes the work of that thing be done well; e.g. the excellence of the eye makes both the eye and its work good; for it is by the excellence of the eye that we see well. Similarly the excellence of the horse makes a horse both good in itself and good at running and at carrying its rider and at awaiting the attack of the enemy. Therefore, if this is true in every case, the virtue of man also will be the state of character which makes a man good and which makes him do his own work well.

How this is to happen we have stated already, but it will be made plain also by the following consideration of the specific nature of virtue. In everything that is continuous and divisible it is possible to take more, less, or an equal amount, and that either in terms of the thing itself or relatively to us; and the equal is an intermediate between excess and defect. By the intermediate in the object I mean that which is equidistant from each of the extremes, which is one and the same for all men; by the intermediate relatively to us that which is neither too much nor too little -- and this is not one, nor the same for all. For instance, if ten is many and two is few, six is the intermediate, taken in terms of the object; for it exceeds and is exceeded by an equal amount; this is intermediate according to arithmetical proportion. But the intermediate relatively to us is not to be taken so; if ten pounds are too much for a particular person to eat and two too little, it does not follow that the trainer will order six pounds; for this also is perhaps too much for the person who is to take it, or too little -- too little for Milo, too much for the beginner in athletic exercises. The same is true of running and wrestling. Thus a master of any art avoids excess and defect, but seeks the intermediate and chooses this -- the intermediate not in the object but relatively to us.
[...] (for more details read chapters 6-8 from the website)
Virtue, then, is a state of character concerned with choice, lying in a mean, i.e. the mean relative to us, this being determined by a rational principle, and by that principle by which the man of practical wisdom would determine it. Now it is a mean between two vices, that which depends on excess and that which depends on defect; and again it is a mean because the vices respectively fall short of or exceed what is right in both passions and actions, while virtue both finds and chooses that which is intermediate. Hence in respect of its substance and the definition which states its essence virtue is a mean, with regard to what is best and right an extreme.

9. [...] Hence he who aims at the intermediate must first depart from what is the more contrary to it, as Calypso advises

ALSO READ:
Aristotle - The basics
Aristotle - MY STATEMENT

[PTP] Aristotle - The basics

2006-09-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Picture:
Tuscan Morning, Italy
The beginning might be blurry, but it's just an appearance.

PTP is short from: (The) Path To Philosophy

The following are: Quotes from Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics
(Check out www.constitution.org/ari/ethic_00.htm for more info)

My comments are in Italic

Book I
1. EVERY art and every inquiry, and similarly every action and pursuit, is thought to aim at some good; and for this reason the good has rightly been declared to be that at which all things aim. But a certain difference is found among ends; some are activities, others are products apart from the activities that produce them. Where there are ends apart from the actions, it is the nature of the products to be better than the activities. Now, as there are many actions, arts, and sciences, their ends also are many; the end of the medical art is health, that of shipbuilding a vessel, that of strategy victory, that of economics wealth. But where such arts fall under a single capacity -- as bridle-making and the other arts concerned with the equipment of horses fall under the art of riding, and this and every military action under strategy, in the same way other arts fall under yet others -- in all of these the ends of the master arts are to be preferred to all the subordinate ends; for it is for the sake of the former that the latter are pursued. It makes no difference whether the activities themselves are the ends of the actions, or something else apart from the activities, as in the case of the sciences just mentioned.

2. If, then, there is some end of the things we do, which we desire for its own sake (everything else being desired for the sake of this), and if we do not choose everything for the sake of something else (for at that rate the process would go on to infinity, so that our desire would be empty and vain), clearly this must be the good and the chief good. Will not the knowledge of it, then, have a great influence on life? [...]

3. Now each man judges well the things he knows, and of these he is a good judge. And so the man who has been educated in a subject is a good judge of that subject, and the man who has received an all-round education is a good judge in general. Hence a young man is not a proper hearer of lectures on political science; for he is inexperienced in the actions that occur in life, but its discussions start from these and are about these; and, further, since he tends to follow his passions, his study will be vain and unprofitable, because the end aimed at is not knowledge but action. And it makes no difference whether he is young in years or youthful in character; the defect does not depend on time, but on his living, and pursuing each successive object, as passion directs. For to such persons, as to the incontinent, knowledge brings no profit; but to those who desire and act in accordance with a rational principle knowledge about such matters will be of great benefit.

4. Let us resume our inquiry and state, in view of the fact that all knowledge and every pursuit aims at some good, what it is that we say political science aims at and what is the highest of all goods achievable by action. Verbally there is very general agreement; for both the general run of men and people of superior refinement say that it is happiness, and identify living well and doing well with being happy; but with regard to what happiness is they differ, and the many do not give the same account as the wise. For the former think it is some plain and obvious thing, like pleasure, wealth, or honour; they differ, however, from one another -- and often even the same man identifies it with different things, with health when he is ill, with wealth when he is poor; but, conscious of their ignorance, they admire those who proclaim some great ideal that is above their comprehension. Now some thought that apart from these many goods there is another which is self-subsistent and causes the goodness of all these as well. To examine all the opinions that have been held were perhaps somewhat fruitless; enough to examine those that are most prevalent or that seem to be arguable.[...]

Great one:
5.[...] To judge from the lives that men lead, most men, and men of the most vulgar type, seem (not without some ground) to identify the good, or happiness, with pleasure (hedonists); which is the reason why they love the life of enjoyment. For there are, we may say, three prominent types of life -- that just mentioned, the political, and thirdly the contemplative life. Now the mass of mankind are evidently quite slavish in their tastes, preferring a life suitable to beasts, but they get some ground for their view from the fact that many of those in high places share the tastes of Sardanapallus. A consideration of the prominent types of life shows that people of superior refinement and of active disposition identify happiness with honour; for this is, roughly speaking, the end of the political life. But it seems too superficial to be what we are looking for, since it is thought to depend on those who bestow honour rather than on him who receives it, but the good we divine to be something proper to a man and not easily taken from him. Further, men seem to pursue honour in order that they may be assured of their goodness; at least it is by men of practical wisdom that they seek to be honoured, and among those who know them, and on the ground of their virtue; clearly, then, according to them, at any rate, virtue is better. And perhaps one might even suppose this to be, rather than honour, the end of the political life. But even this appears somewhat incomplete; for possession of virtue seems actually compatible with being asleep, or with lifelong inactivity, and, further, with the greatest sufferings and misfortunes; but a man who was living so no one would call happy, unless he were maintaining a thesis at all costs. But enough of this; for the subject has been sufficiently treated even in the current discussions. Third comes the contemplative life, which we shall consider later. The life of money-making is one undertaken under compulsion, and wealth is evidently not the good we are seeking (and this was 2000 years ago!); for it is merely useful and for the sake of something else. And so one might rather take the aforenamed objects to be ends; for they are loved for themselves. But it is evident that not even these are ends; yet many arguments have been thrown away in support of them. Let us leave this subject, then.

6. [...] (see how he reaches a conclusion about good:) Clearly, then, goods must be spoken of in two ways, and some must be good in themselves, the others by reason of these. Let us separate, then, things good in themselves from things useful, and consider whether the former are called good by reference to a single Idea. What sort of goods would one call good in themselves? Is it those that are pursued even when isolated from others, such as intelligence, sight, and certain pleasures and honours? Certainly, if we pursue these also for the sake of something else, yet one would place them among things good in themselves. Or is nothing other than the Idea of good good in itself? In that case the Form will be empty. But if the things we have named are also things good in themselves, the account of the good will have to appear as something identical in them all, as that of whiteness is identical in snow and in white lead. But of honour, wisdom, and pleasure, just in respect of their goodness, the accounts are distinct and diverse. The good, therefore, is not some common element answering to one Idea.
7. Let us again return to the good we are seeking, and ask what it can be. It seems different in different actions and arts; it is different in medicine, in strategy, and in the other arts likewise. What then is the good of each? Surely that for whose sake everything else is done. In medicine this is health, in strategy victory, in architecture a house, in any other sphere something else, and in every action and pursuit the end; for it is for the sake of this that all men do whatever else they do. Therefore, if there is an end for all that we do, this will be the good achievable by action, and if there are more than one, these will be the goods achievable by action.
(how we know happiness is our goal - read more on the website:) Now such a thing happiness, above all else, is held to be; for this we choose always for self and never for the sake of something else, but honour, pleasure, reason, and every virtue we choose indeed for themselves (for if nothing resulted from them we should still choose each of them), but we choose them also for the sake of happiness, judging that by means of them we shall be happy. Happiness, on the other hand, no one chooses for the sake of these, nor, in general, for anything other than itself.

[...] From the point of view of self-sufficiency the same result seems to follow; for the final good is thought to be self-sufficient. Now by self-sufficient we do not mean that which is sufficient for a man by himself, for one who lives a solitary life, but also for parents, children, wife, and in general for his friends and fellow citizens, since man is born for citizenship. But some limit must be set to this; for if we extend our requirement to ancestors and descendants and friends' friends we are in for an infinite series. Let us examine this question, however, on another occasion; the self-sufficient we now define as that which when isolated makes life desirable and lacking in nothing; and such we think happiness to be; and further we think it most desirable of all things, without being counted as one good thing among others -- if it were so counted it would clearly be made more desirable by the addition of even the least of goods; for that which is added becomes an excess of goods, and of goods the greater is always more desirable. Happiness, then, is something final and self-sufficient, and is the end of action. (This is genius!)

(The way Aristotle describes the soul:)
Presumably, however, to say that happiness is the chief good seems a platitude, and a clearer account of what it is still desired. This might perhaps be given, if we could first ascertain the function of man. For just as for a flute-player, a sculptor, or an artist, and, in general, for all things that have a function or activity, the good and the 'well' is thought to reside in the function, so would it seem to be for man, if he has a function. Have the carpenter, then, and the tanner certain functions or activities, and has man none? Is he born without a function? Or as eye, hand, foot, and in general each of the parts evidently has a function, may one lay it down that man similarly has a function apart from all these? What then can this be? Life seems to be common even to plants, but we are seeking what is peculiar to man. Let us exclude, therefore, the life of nutrition and growth. Next there would be a life of perception, but it also seems to be common even to the horse, the ox, and every animal. There remains, then, an active life of the element that has a rational principle; of this, one part has such a principle in the sense of being obedient to one, the other in the sense of possessing one and exercising thought. And, as 'life of the rational element' also has two meanings, we must state that life in the sense of activity is what we mean; for this seems to be the more proper sense of the term. Now if the function of man is an activity of soul which follows or implies a rational principle, and if we say 'so-and-so-and 'a good so-and-so' have a function which is the same in kind, e.g. a lyre, and a good lyre-player, and so without qualification in all cases, eminence in respect of goodness being idded to the name of the function (for the function of a lyre-player is to play the lyre, and that of a good lyre-player is to do so well): if this is the case, and we state the function of man to be a certain kind of life, and this to be an activity or actions of the soul implying a rational principle, and the function of a good man to be the good and noble performance of these, and if any action is well performed when it is performed in accordance with the appropriate excellence: if this is the case, human good turns out to be activity of soul in accordance with virtue, and if there are more than one virtue, in accordance with the best and most complete.
But we must add 'in a complete life.' For one swallow does not make a summer, nor does one day; and so too one day, or a short time, does not make a man blessed and happy.(how can you not like this?)

ALSO:
Aristotle - Happiness
Aristotle - MY STATEMENT

[New story] Back to life...

2006-08-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning." - Gloria Steinem - Chapter sixteen

back to reality... or not. This is so unreal...

You can't imagine what it's like to be here, now, when just 3 weeks ago you were in Ro. It's so different... maybe in a good way. I'm starting to figure out more and more about how things work around here, and, you know what? I think that if you FEEL on track, you have a greater chance of actually being on it. And I feel that one can do a whole lot of adaptation, and ... change the world?! Maybe?! It's just ... a chance. Everyone's different here. You can be anyone. Nobody will see you as being "too unusual". They're all unusual.

Americans are practical people. Maybe they're not as smart or cultured as us (or the Europeans), but they certainly have a pleasant, relaxed way of living. Sure, when you go to someone for a problem, he only knows either how to help you, or who to send you to (usually you end up in the second case if you don't know how the system works). Maybe you find it silly to get sent from office to office, because they don't communicate, they don't know each other that well, and they are only taught what they need to know... but the way you're treated makes up for that. If in Ro there's that "get the hell out of my way and move on to ya biz" attitude, here... people smile at you. And... that's weird, sure, but, you know, it actually makes you feel better?! And, like it or not, people are weaker here. "The law" cares if you are morally agressed (and Americans are sensitive to that), while in Ro, it just don't give a damn :D.

We could learn education, but they're really bad with math. I mean... really, really bad. And our children are gonna be the same by how the Romanian education is evolving... :(

My mom's taking care of a little boy now, some friends', and I went to see them today. I have always had that feeling that I don't know what to do around little children. You know, they've got these... analogies for every word they know... like... liloo meant ambulance, or anything that makes a siren-like sound. He understood Romanian, he even knew a few words, but mostly he "talked" in English. He's only two years old. We watched cartoons together (at least those I understand better :D). Children are fascinating...

Anyone who can read this better write me something, cause I'll be really waiting for a sign... any sign, especially from my Romanians. Just imagine what it's like to hear so little from the place you're so far away from, all of a sudden. I miss you all...

I like my math classes (even though I got an 8/10 on my last homework - but I have a reason for that, I did it in 30 minutes from the teacher's book, cause I had to give it back to him asap), they're fun. Even though it's easy yet, ... And I like it that I get to learn Java in my Computer Science lecture&lab. And today I was in a Introduction to philosophy class... I hope I'll be able to enroll, cause it was kinda full; but it was really nice. Teachers here are much more enjoyable people, fun to be around; they like to make jokes, speak lively, tell from their own experience... personalize. There's only one other place in the world I felt this warm (and fuzzy; speaking of you, where you at?): my high school!

I know: it's only been a week since I started college, but I already feel different than I felt in Ro, in high school. I think I'll make my life full here too. I like to have a full life; sports, math, computer science, english and philosophy... maybe something else, but these are my most certain passions.

Romania, where are you? (Scooby-Dooby-Doo)

...

You are not alone. I am here with you. Whether you like it or not, we are stuck together. In sickness, and in health, we were born ... to ... BE. And we were born together.

Whether we like it or not, we are here to live, all on the same planet, and we have to understand the world around us means the actual world - not some living fantasy, not "the people of today only". It means a LIFE. If you just go from human to human and leave nothing behind, you are... nothing. Either morally or ... as a presence, as an entity, you should BE. To be remembered is not necessarily a good thing, but it might be, if you do it right.

Today in philosophy we learned the comparison BEING vs BECOMING. We, each of us, is a being. Every being is different from another. And a being cannot be created. God is the only one who can create beings... that's what separates us from him. No man can think the non-being. That's a rule - you can't think NOTHINGNESS. I think that's very interesting. See, we have this picture of nothing: it's usually dark, to some people white... and that's kinda it. Sure, you can imagine it another color. But if nothing were to BE, wouldn't it be in black&white?:)
Absolute being is absolute reality. The reason we can't achieve absolute being is that we're always hindered by the becoming. To become means to change... Oh, you should hear these passages. Wait a sec, I have the book, I'll copy some passsages:

{from Indian philosophy}
Rg Veda (read Rig Veda) - Hymm of Creation

1. Non-being then existed not, nor being:
There was no air, nor sky that is beyond it.
What was concealed? Wherein? In whose protection?
And was there deep unfathomable water?
{Here, the idea of nothingness being first, and then... the idea that the fundament of existence is water, also found in the later Greek philosophy - Thales}
[...]
3. Darkness there was at first by darkness hidden.
Without distinctive marks, this all was water.
That which, becoming, by the void was covered.
That One by force of heat came into being.
{Came into being... interesting. By heat? Just think about it - over 3500 years ago, these people had some kind of Big Bang theory of their own!}
6. Who knows for certain? Who shall here declare it?
Whence was it born, and whence came this creation?
The gods were born after this world's creation:
Then who can know from whence it has arisen?

7. None knoweth whence creation has arise;
And whether he has or has not produced it;
He who surveys it in the highest heaven,
He only knows, or haply he may know not.
{Here we have the unique idea that God was created after nothing. Not even He existed before... And also that nobody can tell anything about this creation - it's just a speculation.
The final two lines show the fact that the human being's quest for the answer to "How did it happen?" is contempt, happy and satisfied even with the idea of having tried, having asked himself that question.}

Tell me if you find any of this interesting... We also studied a bit of Tao, Thales, Confucius, Pithagoras...

// By the way, I just saw Big Momma's house 2, and definitely recommend it :)

Hello Romania! I'm back to life. And I'll be on my feet, I hope. Searching this place for the most I can make of myself, I suppose... I just wanna let me be... me. Fuzzy...

"Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small it takes time - we haven't time - and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time." - Georgia O'Keeffe - End of Chapter sixteen

[New story] "Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be." - William Adams (explorer)

2006-08-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

Chapter fifteen

Perhaps I meant to choose this title as for a new beginning... Actually, the most meaningful part is the word "explorer". That's how I feel like. That's how I hope I'll act out to be...

Gee, this is a new life. Hey, you all! I just joined USA for college! I could think very well of a "I will always remember" list right now... Maybe I'm not gone from Romania for good, but I'm surely not returning there soon...

It's been a week. Hey, you know what? Even if there's a lot of shadow, and the image is blurry... I know it will be well. I can see patches of light. And it's a new start! And I haven't lost anything, I am not alone. I will never be...

I have the courage to step forward and say: "YES, I am going to start a new life. YES, I shall be myself at all times. YES, you will always be with me..."

I miss you and I miss my home.

I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time: here I go, again on my ooooooooown.... you kno the song?

Okay, so... I'm back. I'll be writing l.s.s. part two soon...
I can see patches of light. Can you?
Can you?
...
We're here together, me and you, cause I'm taking you with me.

I wish I had more words... but I don't. I'll find someone(thing) that does. Here, just an excerpt:

From “The Metamorphosis”
By Franz Kafka

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. He was lying on his hard, as it were armor-plated, back and when he lifted his head a little he could see his dome-like brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the bed quilt could hardly keep in position and was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thin compared to the rest of his bulk, waved helplessly before his eyes.

What has happened to me? he thought. It was no dream. His room, a regular human bedroom, only rather too small, lay quiet between the four familiar walls. Above the table on which a collection of cloth samples was unpacked and spread out—Samsa was a commercial traveler—hung the picture which he had recently cut out of an illustrated magazine and put into a pretty gilt frame. It showed a lady, with a fur cap on and a fur stole, sitting upright and holding out to the spectator a huge fur muff into which the whole of her forearm had vanished!

Gregor's eyes turned next to the window, and the overcast sky—one could hear rain drops beating on the window gutter—made him quite melancholy. What about sleeping a little longer and forgetting all this nonsense, he thought, but it could not be done, for he was accustomed to sleep on his right side and in his present condition he could not turn himself over. However violently he forced himself towards his right side he always rolled on to his back again. He tried it at least a hundred times, shutting his eyes to keep from seeing his struggling legs, and only desisted when he began to feel in his side a faint dull ache he had never experienced before.

Oh God, he thought, what an exhausting job I've picked on! Traveling about day in, day out. It's much more irritating work than doing the actual business in the office, and on top of that there's the trouble of constant traveling, of worrying about train connections, the bed and irregular meals, casual acquaintances that are always new and never become intimate friends. The devil take it all! He felt a slight itching up on his belly; slowly pushed himself on his back nearer to the top of the bed so that he could lift his head more easily; identified the itching place which was surrounded by many small white spots the nature of which he could not understand and made to touch it with a leg, but drew the leg back immediately, for the contact made a cold shiver run through him.

He slid down again into his former position. This getting up early, he thought, makes one quite stupid. A man needs his sleep. Other commercials live like harem women. For instance, when I come back to the hotel of a morning to write up the orders I've got, these others are only sitting down to breakfast. Let me just try that with my chief; I'd be sacked on the spot. Anyhow, that might be quite a good thing for me, who can tell? If I didn't have to hold my hand because of my parents I'd have given notice long ago, I'd have gone to the chief and told him exactly what I think of him. That would knock him endways from his desk! It's a queer way of doing, too, this sitting on high at a desk and talking down to employees, especially when they have to come quite near because the chief is hard of hearing. Well, there's still hope; once I've saved enough money to pay back my parents' debts to him—that should take another five or six years—I'll do it without fail. I'll cut myself completely loose then. For the moment, though, I'd better get up, since my train goes at five.

He looked at the alarm clock ticking on the chest. Heavenly Father! he thought. It was half-past six o'clock and the hands were quietly moving on, it was even past the half-hour, it was getting on toward a quarter to seven. Had the alarm clock not gone off? From the bed one could see that it had been properly set for four o'clock; of course it must have gone off. Yes, but was it possible to sleep quietly through that ear-splitting noise? Well, he had not slept quietly, yet apparently all the more soundly for that. But what was he to do now? The next train went at seven o'clock; to catch that he would need to hurry like mad and his samples weren't even packed up, and he himself wasn't feeling particularly fresh and active. And even if he did catch the train he wouldn't avoid a row with the chief, since the firm's porter would have been waiting for the five o'clock train and would have long since reported his failure to turn up. The porter was a creature of the chief's, spineless and stupid. Well, supposing he were to say he was sick? But that would be most unpleasant and would look suspicious, since during his five years' employment he had not been ill once. The chief himself would be sure to come with the sick-insurance doctor, would reproach his parents with their son's laziness and would cut all excuses short by referring to the insurance doctor, who of course regarded all mankind as perfectly healthy malingerers. And would he be so far wrong on this occasion? Gregor really felt quite well, apart from a drowsiness that was utterly superfluous after such a long sleep, and he was even unusually hungry.

As all this was running through his mind at top speed without his being able to decide to leave his bed—the alarm clock had just struck a quarter to seven—there came a cautious tap at the door behind the head of his bed. "Gregor," said a voice—it was his mother's—"it's a quarter to seven. Hadn't you a train to catch?" That gentle voice! Gregor had a shock as he heard his own voice answering hers, unmistakably his own voice, it was true, but with a persistent horrible twittering squeak behind it like an undertone, that left the words in their clear shape only for the first moment and then rose up reverberating round them to destroy their sense, so that one could not be sure one had heard them rightly. Gregor wanted to answer at length and explain everything, but in the circumstances he confined himself to saying: "Yes, yes, thank you, Mother, I'm getting up now." The wooden door between them must have kept the change in his voice from being noticeable outside, for his mother contented herself with this statement and shuffled away. Yet this brief exchange of words had made the other members of the family aware that Gregor was still in the house, as they had not expected, and at one of the side doors his father was already knocking, gently, yet with his fist. "Gregor, Gregor," he called, "what's the matter with you?" And after a little while he called again in a deeper voice: "Gregor! Gregor!" At the other side door his sister was saying in a low, plaintive tone: "Gregor? Aren't you well? Are you needing anything?" He answered them both at once: "I'm just ready," and did his best to make his voice sound as normal as possible by enunciating the words very clearly and leaving long pauses between them. So his father went back to his breakfast, but his sister whispered: "Gregor, open the door, do." However, he was not thinking of opening the door, and felt thankful for the prudent habit he had acquired in traveling of locking all doors during the night, even at home.

His immediate intention was to get up quietly without being disturbed, to put on his clothes and above all eat his breakfast, and only then to consider what else was to be done, since in bed, he was well aware, his meditations would come to no sensible conclusion. He remembered that often enough in bed he had felt small aches and pains, probably caused by awkward postures, which had proved purely imaginary once he got up, and he looked forward eagerly to seeing this morning's delusions gradually fall away. That the change in his voice was nothing but the precursor of a severe chill, a standing ailment of commercial travelers, he had not the least possible doubt.

To get rid of the quilt was quite easy; he had only to inflate himself a little and it fell off by itself. But the next move was difficult, especially because he was so uncommonly broad. He would have needed arms and hands to hoist himself up; instead he had only the numerous little legs which never stopped waving in all directions and which he could not control in the least. When he tried to bend one of them it was the first to stretch itself straight; and did he succeed at last in making it do what he wanted, all the other legs meanwhile waved the more wildly in a high degree of unpleasant agitation. "But what's the use of lying idle in bed," said Gregor to himself.

He thought that he might get out of bed with the lower part of his body first, but this lower part, which he had not yet seen and of which he could form no clear conception, proved too difficult to move; it shifted so slowly; and when finally, almost wild with annoyance, he gathered his forces together and thrust out recklessly, he had miscalculated the direction and bumped heavily against the lower end of the bed, and the stinging pain he felt informed him that precisely this lower part of his body was at the moment probably the most sensitive.

So he tried to get the top part of himself out first, and cautiously moved his head towards the edge of the bed. That proved easy enough, and despite its breadth and mass the bulk of his body at last slowly followed the movement of his head. Still, when he finally got his head free over the edge of the bed he felt too scared to go on advancing, for after all if he let himself fall in this way it would take a miracle to keep his head from being injured. And at all costs he must not lose consciousness now, precisely now; he would rather stay in bed.

But when after a repetition of the same efforts he lay in his former position again, sighing, and watched his little legs struggling against each other more wildly than ever, if that were possible, and saw no way of bringing any order into this arbitrary confusion, he told himself again that it was impossible to stay in bed and that the most sensible course was to risk everything for the smallest hope of getting away from it. At the same time he did not forget meanwhile to remind himself that cool reflection, the coolest possible, was much better than desperate resolves. In such moments he focused his eyes as sharply as possible on the window, but, unfortunately, the prospect of the morning fog, which muffled even the other side of the narrow street, brought him little encouragement and comfort. "Seven o'clock already," he said to himself when the alarm clock chimed again, "seven o'clock already and still such a thick fog." And for a little while he lay quiet, breathing lightly, as if perhaps expecting such complete repose to restore all things to their real and normal condition.

From "The Metamorphosis" from Franz Kafka: The Collected Stories, by Franz Kafka, translated by Edwin and Willa Muir. Copyright © 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949, 1954, 1958, 1971 by Schocken Books, Inc. Used by permission of Schocken Books, published by Pantheon Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." - Audrey Hepburn - End of Chapter fifteen

[Long story short] One

2006-06-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

And so it began...

- One -

"What if you were forced to relive the same day all over again, until you would finally do it right?", Martin asked himself.
"It would be like following a path... ", Julie said.
M: "You would think that a man knows when he does not 'follow the path', but, actually... he has no idea."
J: "Really? But didn't man, according to Christianity, take a bite from that tree... to discern between good and evil?"
M: "By the way, the biblical account of the creation of human beings occurs twice: in Genesis 1:26-27 and in Genesis 2:18-24. Did you know that, in the first account, the Hebrew common noun adam was used as a generic term for all human beings, regardless of gender; Eve was not mentioned at all; and, in the second account, Adam is created from the dust of the earth, whereas Eve is created from Adam's rib and given to him by God to be his wife?"
J: "So, in a way, we are all adams, aren't we?"
M: "All the same... to God. Just like grass is all the same to us..."
J: "I think, if I were to relive the same day over and over, I would become some sort of God, for that day. Not 'the' God, but a God."
M: "Exactly... just ask yourself: What if there were no tomorrow? Maybe that's how God sees things: one, and only one. No time, no space... just... a continuous TODAY. For us, time changes... and God is always the same, I believe. Don't you see how different we feel each day? Sometimes, I go to sleep extremely happy but wake up just... a tormented fellow; maybe I try to do some exercise, but I'm so not in the mood for anything. God, how much I wish there was one thing I could do every morning to wake up my mind and soul... to feel and think like I'm supposed to. And what's even more frustrating: if I don't sleep, I feel like I'm living a continuous day; yesterday's memories feel like today's, and I feel full ... of what exactly? I don't know."
J: "I love the feeling I have when I 'go back to my life' after a long chat like this. Sometimes I wish we could sit and talk more often, but then I think it might not be as wonderful if we did so... Why are we like this?"
M: "I think we need a repeating day every now and then - to figure out what the hell we're doing with ourselves. You think you know who you are, or what you do right and wrong... Turns out, you have no idea. That reminds me of Sartre. In his early philosophic work, Being and Nothingness, he conceived humans as beings who create their own world by rebelling against authority and by accepting personal responsibility for their actions, unaided by society, traditional morality, or religious faith. Distinguishing between human existence and the nonhuman world, he maintained that human existence is characterized by nothingness, that is, by the capacity to negate and rebel."
J: "Most philosophers since Plato have held that the highest ethical good is the same for everyone; insofar as one approaches moral perfection, one resembles other morally perfect individuals. The 19th-century Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard, who was the first writer to call himself existential, reacted against this tradition by insisting that the highest good for the individual is to find his or her own unique vocation. Doesn't that sound familiar to you? Isn't it, in a way, what we hear today? Too bad it was deformed so much since it was stated by Kierkegaard. As he wrote in his journal, 'I must find a truth that is true for me . . . the idea for which I can live or die.' Maybe it's because anyone to caught-up in an idea loses perspective upon things. As the french would say: "je m'en fiche". People get caught up... they lose perspective. Do they ever have it?"
M: "If man could just feel. Wake up and feel! Feeling feels so great... They, the 'modern human beings', say that there's too much information around them to care for everything. But... but... everything means something, everything brings something up. Nowadays people just walk by beggars, sometimes not feeling a thing. And, if they do... it's not anything unusual, they know the feeling, they know 'what it's like', it's no big deal... And to think that everything we see is a miracle... How many times would I repeat a day until it's perfect? It's pointless to say... a lot. Maybe a thousand, maybe a billion. And will I at least know what to do with my life every day from that day forward?"
J: "No... I don't think so; you'll still need a reminder every once in a while. Because people just can't learn, Martin, they just can't learn..."

-*-*-*-

Find all LSS here

[Book two] Chapter three

2006-06-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

"Maybe an exciting discovery" - Chapter three
Lumea din jurul meu nu e atat de buna pe cat mi-o imaginez. Desi banuiam acest lucru, refuzam sa-l cred pe cat puteam eu, iar acum, in sfarsit, incerc sa privesc lucrurile mai aproape de realitate si, in acelasi timp, sa ma bucur de ele. Sunt foarte multe bucurii in viata, nimeni nu poate contrazice asta. In jurul meu sunt in permanenta, daca nu oameni, atunci elemente fara viata, care-mi pot aduce o pata de veselie in suflet, doar ca eu nu le vad, asa cum in ultima vreme nu vad mai nimic din ceea ce este in jur. Deocamdata mai astept cateva zile inainte sa-mi confirm ca am o problema. Uite, parca tocmai acum, cand evolutia celor din jurul meu se desfasoara atat de accelerat, eu nu sunt in stare sa le urmaresc. Dimineata, cand ma trezesc, am senzatia ca, in cele din urma, a sosit ziua in care imi revin. Incep sa ma misc, imi pare din ce in ce mai bine, aproape ca simt normal. Cum ma scol din pat... imi dau seama ca traiesc, dar parca nu in corpul meu. Ma simt teribil de strain de mine, pe langa faptul ca ceea ce vad si simt seamana a fi un vis. Deci nu-mi revin, inca. Dar semnele de imbunatatire sunt bune, astazi am dormit, fara sa ma mai trezesc (sau am fost atat de epuizat incat nu mi-am dat seama de vreo trezire).
As putea sa descriu starea foarte amanuntit, cu metafore, chestii, dar e plictiseala:). Dorintele mele... planurile mele... idealurile mele... unde se indreapta? Nu mi-am pus atatea probleme, nici nu e cazul. Ma gandeam si eu asa... la ce sa ma gandesc ca sa ma trezesc din vis. Desigur, o influenta exterioara m-ar destepta rapid si eficient, dar eu nu pot astepta ca asa ceva sa soseasca, fara a face nimic pentru a merita acea influenta. De cand nu m-am mai indragostit! Am si uitat cum e... aproape. Adica, vreau sa spun, nu-mi amintesc exact trairile, ci doar impresiile. Asta ar fi ceva ce m-ar salva... dar ma feresc, incerc sa nu fiu atat de slab incat sa ma arunc din nou intr-o iubire, ca sa nu mai spun ca, desi trecutul e trecut, deschiderea e inca prea mare, iar eu nu ma fortez prea tare s-o inchid. Deocamdata nu trebuie, cred... sau poate ca trebuie. De fapt ma descurc, probleme intervin atunci cand amintirile o iau razna, cand orice eveniment din jur imi declanseaza un impuls dureros, cand chiar sunt atent la ceea ce vad sau simt. Probabil ca de aceea am ajuns in starea asta, in care aproape ca ignor orice simt. Inima insa... pulseaza... atat de ciudat, de variat. N-am mai trecut de foarte mult timp printr-o stare atat de necontrolabila. Spre exemplu... din cand in cand izbucneste o sudoare rece, simt ca mi-e cald, ma aprind pentru cateva secunde, apoi revin la normal. Sau nu vad in jur decat obiecte, fara suflet... nu simt, nu pricep, nu aud ce se vorbeste. Totul este aiurea, parca traiesc izolat de exterior. Si, macar de data asta, nu cred ca mi-am facut-o atat de bine cu mana mea, n-as fi avut cum. Mai degraba as presupune ca este un fel de autoaparare, stari in care am ajuns datorita mie, dar nu direct influentate. Orisicum, mi-e dor de fericire, mi-e dor de luciditate. Mi-as dori ca, dupa astea 5 zile, sa nu ma mai doara si pe mine capul continuu, sa simt ca mananc, ca respir, etc. Culmea este ca si ceilalti, majoritatea, au tot un fel de stare de oboseala, acuta, dintr-o data... Desi abia pot interpreta informatia pe care o primesc prin intermediul receptorilor din cadrul organelor de simt (biolog ma fac:P), este clar ca nu sunt singurul care sufera de oboseala intensa. Asa imi mai atenuez si eu grijile. Abia a trecut o luna, doar o luna!, de la inceputul scolii, si mi se pare imens... tot ce-a fost. Simt ca ar fi trecut trei vacante de vara, si inca doua de iarna.
Ma uit in trecutul indepartat, vad cat de frumos este... minunat si de vis. Zaresc trecutul apropiat, inca plin de surprize si stari de euforie; simt prezentul, indecis si imprevizibil, frumos si in acelasi timp gol, altfel, departe de ceea ce sunt eu, pregatind un nou eu, diferit considerabil, totusi nu radical.
Muzica ... este o minune pentru orice stare de rau existenta, exceptand cazul in care ma concetrez prea tare pe melodie si nu mi-o mai pot scoate din cap. Teribil! Atunci chiar ca dorm turmentat.
Voua va place Coelho? Eu sunt fan, admir romanele sale, realizate intr-un fel... combinatie exceptionala intre basm si lumea reala, rezultand o lume atat de frumoasa, de magica si armonioasa, incat m-a fermecat pur si simplu. Viata nu este, in principiu, corecta. Cu toate problemele mele de pana acum, tot sunt cat de cat norocos, adica asa ma simt. Acum as avea deschiderea spre o noua speranta... am, de obicei, putine decizii de luat, dar dificile. Presupun ca asa imi este mai bine, caracteristic, fiindca destest sa am multe pe cap. Prefer putine si grele, desi ma plang. Ce sa fac? Sa ma eliberez, sa renunt cu totul, sa uit pentru ce am luptat atat, sa-mi iau adio de la frumusetea care ar putea fi, cea care n-a incetat sa ramana o varianta posibila, mai evidenta pentru mine decat pentru oricine altcineva, oricat de implicat poate fi; se stie ca eu privesc lumea ca fiind mai buna decat realmente. Dorinta de a fi fericit, pe masura ce trece timpul, se manifesta in mine accentuat, dificultatea de a mai lupta crescand aproape instantaneu, de la o clipa la alta, eu ramanand un mic pion in fata sentimentului colosal ce ma poseda, in loc sa fie invers... Nu e deloc prima data cand ma implic atat de mult, dar eu nu ma invat minte, sau, in orice caz, nu-mi place sa renunt. In tot ce-am facut, pana acum, au fost cateva greseli, nu grave, dar... invat. Simt cum totul se schimba, fara controlul meu, cat ma doare ca trebuie sa accept realitatea asa cum vine, fiindca eu sunt genul care schimba si putin din mediul inconjurator pe parcurs, iar atunci cand las totul liber din nou, acolo unde mi-am plasat amprenta, daca sentimentele nu s-au deplasat, orice contact cu mediul respectiv este de o intensitate inimaginabila. Pe langa clasicele "inmuiat picioarele", "inima-n gat", "fluturi in stomac", si alte alea... se mai adauga, in functie de moment, de deschidere, astfel incat durerea aproape ca ma prabuseste. De obicei simt nevoia sa ma sprijin de ceva, sa ma vindec... Dar vreau sa ma vindec?... Si daca vreau, pot? Sa inchid rana? Asa, pur si simplu? Cum? Traind. Traind prezentul, dar nu oricum, ci intens. Imi trebuie o trezire brusca, o determinare, un chef de viata aproape de nemasurat. Dar asta nu vine asa, la comanda... adica ar veni... dar nu asa se face, nu merita sa ma consum pentru fericire temporara. Mai bine imi acumulez, din nou, puterile, pentru a ma putea ridica treptat, desi nu e stilul meu. Asa am facut mereu, in afara cazurilor in care soarta m-a ajutat din exterior, oferindu-mi sprijin, mai ales in ceea ce priveste increderea in propria-mi persoana. Poate ca, de cele mai multe ori, asta-mi lipseste. Nu sunt atat de egoist incat sa ma fac singur fericit... nevoia de prieteni, desi nu este decat in singuratatea indelungata sesizabila, atinge cote inalte, mai fiind, pe deasupra accentuata si de dorinta mea de cunoastere umana. Acum chiar ca nu mai am obsesii... in vacanta... si chiar si in prima luna de scoala... am fost "curatat" de majoritatea pasiunilor mele... ramanand cu dorinte latente, care sunt in asteptarea de a fi "activate" ... odata cu alte izbucniri.
Sunt un fan declarat al lui Marin Preda, pana acum m-a impresionat profund. M-am asimilat atat de mult cu intelectualul care protesteaza, care vede realitatea numai sub o forma a lui, bazata pe ceea ce este in mediul apropiat lui, si care, desi invata din trecutul sau, nu reuseste, mai mult sau mai putin, sa-si gaseasca fericirea suprema... Asta, cel putin, deocamdata... Cine stie ce-mi rezerva viitorul. Uneori privesc asa, in departare, si ma gandesc... daca eu voi fi trecut prin atat greu mai incolo, incat tot ce-a fost pana acum sa mi se para un fleac... am sa rezist? Si... daca da... fara sa ma schimb?...
Desi nu este atat de sanatos, mi-ar placea sa raman un copil... genul de copil care priveste imprejurimile cu caldura, cu suferinta, cu amintiri dulci si intense, sau groaznice...
Ieri, intorcandu-ma acasa, nu vedeam pe cer decat ... fiinte. Am zarit un nor ce, din prima clipa, mi s-a parut a fi un dragon care scuipa foc. Nu mai fusesem atat de incantat, mi-am amintit de reclama aceea de la sucul natural... cu norii care imbracau forme peste forme... Desi realitatea era departe de mine, am vazut. Cred ca acum, daca m-as uita mai atent la ce vad, as putea sa spun cu totul altceva decat inainte... Ma trezesc dimineata, sau dupa ceva timp, ma uit la lucruri, vad ca sunt acolo... si ma mir. Stiam ca acolo le voi gasi, ca nu le-a mutat nimeni, dar ma surprinde asta... sau... cel mai rau si penibil, caut ceva. Simt cum ceva din mine se revolta ca nu gasesc, simt cum nu sunt sigur pe nimic din ce-mi amintesc din ziua respectiva... ce-am facut cu nush-ce... Dar inca e bine, fiindca ar putea fi si mai rau. O sa-mi revin, cat de curand...
"The past is like a gaping hole - Max Payne 2" - End of Chapter three

[Book two] Chapter two

2006-06-17T12:48:00.000-07:00

"Incep sa descifrez cum sunt..."- Chapter two
Si ce daca nu gandesc clar? Nici macar nu pot formula coerent o idee. Dar ma descurc eu, pentru ca trebuie sa scot din minte cuvinte, pana cand ma linistesc. Am fost in excursie, iata. Aici am vazut multe, am invatat multe... Chiar daca nu ma simt deloc potrivit lumii de petrecere, caci eu, visator, nu prea pot trai din ameteala unui bairam decat daca sunt dispus sa ma simt bine dinainte. Nu stiu cum sa explic exact, dar, in principiu, doar daca ma simt binisor, si nu am probleme mari, ma pot bucura de o petrecere. Iar eu, la cum sunt, imi gasesc intotdeauna o problema. Oamenii nu sunt asa cum par... Cat de schimbatori sunt cand se afla in aceste circumstante! Altfel spus, ce face betia din om! Incredibil... poate. Sunt multe persoane care nu inteleg de ce oamenii se imbata, pentru ca exista multe alte feluri de a te simti bine, chiar si de a uita. Da, or exista, dar acesta este unul care combina binele cu raul intr-un mod promitator, probabil.
Prin cate stari am trecut! ... Sambata a fost cea mai lunga zi, dar nu in sensul rau. M-am simtit bine, am revazut cate lucruri pentru care m-as putea bucura sunt. Ieri, la intoarcere, mi-am mai clarificat cateva situatii in legatura cu mine. Se pare ca, pe masura ce trece timpul, vad cat de dus de val am fost, nepastrand prea mult din vechile motive de bucurie, datorita celui nou. Si ce daca? Acum nu e timpul pierdut, pentru ca eu tot "facut ca sa fiu fericit" ma simt. Nu stiu altii cum sunt, dar eu, cand ma gandesc la trecutul meu, ma apuca asa o melancolie. Ma vad altfel decat cum credeam ca sunt, bineinteles. Cred ca multora li se intampla asta. Omul, atunci cand sufera, este tentat sa se arunce catre multe infaptuiri promitatoare de alinare. De aceea m-am intrebat si eu, daca as fi in stare de unele dintre acelea. Am simtit intens dorinta de a-mi cauta pe cineva, a ma arunca cu totul in bratele acelei persoane, dar n-am s-o fac, sper. Nu mi-am interzis, prin gand, asta, numai ca mi-e foarte clar ca nu-mi doresc acest lucru. Eu nu vreau sa fug, nu, si n-am sa fug! Desigur, nici infruntarea starii fara nici o arma nu este binevenita. N-am sa caut uitare in stari alcoolice, pentru ca n-as fi eu insumi. Oricat m-am departat de mine in zilele acestea, am avut grija ca sa nu fie prea mult. N-am sa ma pierd, pentru ca nici nu am de ce sa o fac... E! Ia gata. Una peste alta, nici nu sufar atat de mult! Pe langa faptul ca observ ce fericire aduc, pentru ceilalti, multe din vechile mele preocupari si placeri, imi mai dau seama si cat de copil sunt. Si asta ma bucura! Eu vreau sa fiu, inca, destul de copil! Ce? Un copil responsabil si cat de cat matur. Nu ma credeti? N-aveti decat sa faceti un test...
Desi mintea mi-e foarte incetosata, sau mai bine zis involburata, imediat ce m-am sculat, ceva a inceput sa ma doara... Visez, intens, fara sa ma pot opri. Ma trezesc, imi dau seama de asta, in timpul noptii. Simt ca sunt treaz, uneori deschid ochii, si tot visez. O sa-mi treaca si starea asta, pentru ca, banuiesc, e de la oboseala.
Vechile mele preocupari... incep sa revina, incet incet. Eu astazi am sa citesc si sa fac temele. Daca m-as fi putut misca in echilibru la ora 6, m-as fi dus la scoala. Acum e 11 fara un sfert, si tot nu sunt complet treaz! ... Noi sa fim sanatosi!...
Cred ca azi, orice fac, tot nu ma trezesc. Asa ca... sa revin. Deja e pranzul, ceilalti s-au intors acasa si mie tot nu-mi vine sa cred. Ce trece viata... Daca mi-ar fi dat sa traiesc din nou, de la capat, (spun asta de parca as fi batran!), n-as alege neaparat altfel. As trai cam la fel, pare-mi-se.
Mie nu mi-a placut sa pierd timpul. Nici acum nu-mi place. Poate asta e o problema a mea, una grava. Interpretez totul... intr-un fel... strict?... Nu stiu. Dar tin ca totul legat de mine sa evolueze, sa se schimbe. Nu-mi place sa stea nimic in loc. De asta nu e rabdarea una din calitatile mele... O sa fie.... da... ce sa-i faci? Nu sunt tocmai pregatit pentru viata, m-am grabit. Imi doresc sa traiesc asa, repede, totul. In loc sa ma gandesc ca, de fapt, e mult timp in lume, ca o sa am timp sa trec prin toate... ma apuca un fel de necesitate de a trai ACUM. O sa-mi treaca, probabil... desi mi s-ar parea inuman sa nu mai sufar din nimic, sa nu-mi mai pese de nimic ce ma raneste. Deocamdata nu e asa, si am incredere ca nici nu va fi, vreodata. Acum citesc "Jocul ielelor"; ma simt... din ce in ce mai camilpetrescian. Parca tot astfel as fi facut si eu... doar ca nu m-as sinucide pentru nimic in lume. Uite, eu am admirat intotdeauna, cu uimire, vointa adultilor de a se sacrifica pentru copii. Mi s-a parut ceva ce eu nu voi face niciodata, fiindca nu voi fi in stare. Asta poate fiindca asa e omul. Nu mi se pare corect ca eu, Paul, sa-mi dedic viata copiilor mei, netraind-o pe a mea. Poate ca nu asta fac cei mari, parintii, dar uneori asa pare. Si asta ma inspira, imi da speranta. Lumea nu este atat de pierduta... eu... i-am luat-o cumva inainte, pe de-o parte, si am ramas cumva in urma, pe cealalta. Nici nu-mi mai pasa cat de rau e asta; acum vreau sa ma simt bine. Si, datorita oboselii, ma simt. N-am nici o treaba, nu ma doare nimic in mod deosebit. Nu m-as putea concentra, oricum, pe ceva, daca as gasi o problema. Ar fi degeaba.
Cunoasterea asta... dupa care ma omor eu intr-atat, este ceva intangibil. Eu vad ideile, nu traiesc din fapte. Sunt un visator... Sa ma redresez pe lumea reala? Care este lumea reala? Nu-mi pun eu astfel de intrebari. De ce traim? Raspunsul e simplu: ca sa traim, ca sa invatam si sa utilizam ceea ce stim pentru un oarecare bine, relativ. A zis bine Einstein, totul e relativ. Raul si binele sunt relative unul la altul, foarte bine! As vrea sa fac bine, cat mai bine, si sa nu ma poticnesc asa cum patesc acum. Acum cateva saptamani inca imi displaceau cativa oameni pentru conceptele lor egoiste. Dar de ce? N-am sa mai fac asta, o sa ... incerc sa-mi elimin urmele de ura din suflet. Mi-ar placea ca temperamentul meu sa fie mai calm... chiar daca in interior n-ar fi. De asemenea nu-mi place sa ma prefac rau daca mi-e bine. Invers mi se pare ok, ceea ce voua s-ar putea sa nu vi se para. Dar merg pe principiul "fericirea ta ajuta la fericirea celorlalti", chiar daca, atunci cand sunt nefericit, nu o ascund prea bine. In lumea asta nu poti fi prea bun, pentru ca esti calcat in picioare, si nu mai ajuti nimanui asa. A zis cineva, si bine a zis: "pentru a te ajuta pe tine cat mai bine, trebuie sa ma ajut pe mine mai intai"... pentru ca, daca eu nu sunt intr-o stare favorabila, cu atat mai putin o sa fie favorabila dupa ce ma straduiesc atat sa te ajut. Desi nu este mereu asa, in anumite cazuri se accepta... De asta nu sunt eu suparat.
Cat de ciudat! Cat de ciudat a fost cand m-am aflat in situatia de a nu ma putea supara! Iubirea e atat de frumoasa... atunci cand e bine se mai poate sa ma supar, dar cand e rau, nu. Nu stiu cum se face, dar atunci cand sufar, mai degraba ma adancesc eu in suferinta pentru a alina pe-a celeilalte decat sa nu... Asta e ceea ce e frumos. Pe de alta parte mi-este foarte greu sa cred ca nu mai pot ajuta cu nimic decat absenta. Si cat mi se explica, cat mi se spune. De ce? De...geaba, nu? Eu trebuie sa fiu contra, pana cand nu simt ca asa este. Inteleg ca asa este, vad ca asa functioneaza, dar nu prea cred ca nu exista o altfel de cale. Dar... apoi mi-am dat seama de ceva. De ce trebuie neaparat sa existe o alta cale? Sau, chiar daca exista, trebuie s-o urmam intotdeauna pe cea mai comoda? Nu. Lasa, e bine asa, intotdeauna e util sa treci si prin incercari mai grele, cu conditia sa ai puterea sa lupti, sa rezisti, si sa nu renunti pentru a cadea intr-o alta lume.
Imi plac atat de mult scenele in care cineva plange, de durere, de o pierdere, o dilema, si... celalalt linisteste persoana, atat de simplu incat o face sa zambeasca cu lacrimile inca in ochi, sau prelingandu-se pe obraji. Am cateva scene tipice pentru asta. E incredibil! Nimeni nu poate descrie asa ceva cumsecade, chiar daca, pana la urma, toti traim o astfel de scena. Mintea umana e atat de intortocheata... se leaga scene unele de altele. Probabil ca, in functie de cum se stocheaza informatia, sub ce forma, se determina atat capacitatea cat si rapiditatea gandirii fiecaruia. Eu unul asa cred. Spre exemplu mi-a placut foarte mult cand, intr-un dialog, persoana schimba subiectul aparent fara nici o legatura, iar cealalta a fost in stare sa-si dea seama care este, de fapt, baza acelei devieri. Ma fac fericit multe lucruri... printre care desenele ocupa un loc principal. Ia ganditi-va putin, cine mai vrea sa ajunga la ora x acasa, pentru ca sunt nush-care-desene si vrea sa le vada. Imi fac viata mai frumoasa:). Eu nu vreau sa ma schimb, si nici nu o fac. Schimb doar preocuparile si punctele mele de sustinere. Am senzatia ca am mai scris despre acestea. Exista, peste tot in jur, motive de bucurie. La fel cum exista (din pacate mai multe) motive de intristare oriunde privesti, poti gasi fericirea in orice. Asa cum unii oameni pot fi fericiti pentru un petic de iarba verde pe care se culca, in racoarea serii, altii pot fi fericiti pentru ca au gasit fericirea in a darui iubire lui Dumnezeu... Eu sunt cel mai fericit atunci cand pot sa-mi ajut persoana iubita si sa ma bucur de fericirea ei... dar ma simt atat de trist atunci cand vad ca este poate la fel de fericita fara mine... incat ma apuca o suferinta groaznica, aproape ca-mi dau si lacrimile... Sunt fericit cand pot sa-mi desfat sufletul ascultand o melodie... Sunt fericit cand plang de induiosare in fata unui film, chiar si desene... Imi place foarte mult sa-mi tin sufletul deschis. Dar uneori nu are nici un farmec... totul trebuie variat. Orice poate fi exagerat. Si ajung atat de greu sa inteleg, sa accept si sa simt toate astea! Deh... asa sunt oamenii. Mai devreme sau mai tarziu... tot voi simti si eu asta, sau voi innebuni. Si fiindca sunt demult intr-un proces perpetuu de adaptare, semnele indica verde, adica raman printre oameni :). Am sa incerc, totusi, sa nu ma confund prea mult cu ei. Sunt un utopist, oarecum, si asa vreau sa raman. Asa cum am spus, se schimba doar aspectul etajelor cladirii, nu si fundatia impreuna cu materialul si schela. Nu pot sa schimb eu lumea, pot doar sa o modific, incet-incet, sa zicem. La fel cum nu poti sa schimbi mediul in care traiesti, ci doar sa te adaptezi lui, sau sa fortezi o adaptare reciproca, care, de altfel, nu este atat de dificila.
Uitee.... ca suferinta ma apropie de Dumnezeu. Nu ma deranjeaza. Poate ca, tinand-o tot asa, voi ajunge pana la urma un credincios adevarat, nu?... fara a mai fi astfel doar in anumite momente. Mi-a mai trecut, putin, somnul. Dar tot nu ma pot concentra. Vraiste e in capul meu... Inchei aici, sperand ca urmatorul capitol sa fie mai coerent... si imi cer scuze. Fericirea e pretutindeni imprejur... vremea e frumoasa afara.
"Everything is relative" - End of chapter two

[Book two] Prologue + Chapter one - "Ce e maturizarea, in fond?"

2006-06-09T04:35:00.000-07:00

Din categoria "story"... e intre old si new (pe primele trei de aici le-a citit si dirginta mea, acum 2 ani, aproape...). Fragmente din trecut; inca mai am ceva in comun cu ele, si ma recunosc... poate voua nu va trezesc atatea amintiri, dar sunt pline de franturi de idei si sentimente...

BOOK TWO
Prologue(CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR)
Cateodata sunt tentat sa cred in destin, sunt ... majoritatea desenelor facute astfel, ca sa nu mai zic de filme. Mi se pare ca toate vor a te face sa crezi ca asa ceva exista. Cica scopul existentei, asta-ti determina destinul... Scopul existentei mele pe pamant e sa traiesc, vedem ce mai facem dupa aia. Sa traiesc si sa fiu cat de cat in regula cu mine insumi, sa nu am prea multe reprosuri sa-mi aduc, iar daca se poate, sa nu-mi aduca nici ceilalti ... devenind deja utopic:). Cred in Dumnezeu, dar nu cu toata inima, simt ca exista si ca este pretutindeni, dar nu simt ca-L iubesc asa cum se presupune ca ar trebui sa simt. Eh sa trecem peste subiectul asta imens despre care vorbesc destul de des...
Am revenit si eu la scris, cu toate ca intentia este sa-mi fac notite pentru romanul viitor, un oarecare plan, etc, am sa scriu aici intocmai parti din acele notite. Exista o parte buna si una proasta: aia buna e ca veti vedea in premiera cate ceva din ceea ce poate constitui un roman, sper eu interesant, iar aia proasta ca s-ar putea sa va plictiseasca romanul apoi, daca-l veti citi. Auleo ce m-a apucat, vorbesc la plural, parc-as fi politicos:)... ntz. Dragii mosului, dupa o lunga pauza de o vacanta as avea de scris cat sa umplu 20 de capitole, mai rau ca-n timpul scolii din punct de vedere al aglomeratiei psihologice.
Ma simt oare schimbat? De mult nu m-am mai intrebat de anumite schimbari legate de propria-mi persoana. Acele schimbari se fac, majoritatea, inconstient si voit pentru iubire. Unii dintre voi stiti cum e, atunci cand e inceputul unei relatii, preferabil pentru orice alte zile dupa aceea, dorul de EA/EL este imens, in fiecare clipa te apasa lipsa persoanei, mai ales daca nu ai o viata tocmai plina de prieteni sau ocupata dpdv profesional. Am mai scris in trecut ca-mi vine sa strig "te iubesc" in gura mare? Daca nu acum e momentul, se intampla... Ma cam pierd in sensul frazei, nu reusesc sa-mi impun o anumita liniaritate a textului, sau un stil care sa trezeasca interes, ceea ce urmaresc. In mare am un oarecare stil de a scrie, insa e nevoie de multe imbunatatiri. Cei care cititi sau ati citit, oricat de ciudat sau de plictisitor a parut si va parea, luati in considerare ca nu scriu mai mult de 50% pentru altii, cat pentru mine. Si nu scriu ca sa sune bine, scriu pentru a retine ideile, capisci?:)
Ce mai face lumea? S-a schimbat? Eu nu-s la curent cu ea de nici un fel, in general vorbind asta se cauzeaza lipsei de interes pentru orice revista, ziar, emisiune politica/economica/s.a.m.d. la TV, si altele. Dupa cum spunea cineva, daca stii ce sa alegi sa NU faci, nu pierzi nimic. Eu nu stiu ce-am sa mai scriu ca sa nu ma repet, ideile dinainte imi par multe... Cert e ca nu-mi mai amintesc mare lucru, tocmai pentru asta nu voi reciti ceea ce am scris anul trecut, imi ofera mai multa libertate. Sper ca tot ce s-a intamplat de atunci si pana acum sa-mi ofere o noutate in ceea ce scriu. Hai sa vedem...

BOOK TWO
PART ONE
"Ce e maturizarea, in fond?" - Chapter one
Ma simt ok, ingrijorat si doritor de a scrie...
Eh... e seara. De vreo 3 saptamani mi s-a pregatit, parca, o transa prin care as putea sa jur, uitandu-ma in trecut, ca m-am bagat singur. Acum mai mult ca de obicei vad cum ar fi putut fi intr-un milion de alte feluri, numai asa nu. Fac ce fac si tot rau imi iese. Cel putin am o veste, obiectiv, buna. Numarul celor care primesc capitolele mele a crescut.
Daca pozele ar vorbi...amintirile ar fi vii, am stii iar ce gandeam cand eram copii. Probabil poza ta, din rama, ti-ar sopti: "Stii, nu esti ce-mi doream sa fii."
Ma gandesc ... la ceva. Presupun, fiindca asa se simte. Ma simt de parca m-as fi gandit zilnic, timp de 3 saptamani, intens si dureros. Am ajuns la asa o stare de epuizare incat nici macar nu pot sa ma concentrez pe... inmultirea matricelor, karate, franceza. O sa-mi revin, desigur, numai ca... uneori n-am stare sa fac ceva, n-am stare decat sa stau. Ca de exemplu acum. M-ar interesa sa descriu, mai mult pentru mine decat pentru ceilalti. In primul rand ca simt nevoia sa ma gandesc la ceva, ca sa nu stau degeaba. Incep sa ma gandesc... si ... la ce sa ma gandesc? Am ajuns la cateva concluzii interesante in timpul asta, am invatat atatea, am auzit atatea povesti, am putut sa ma simt ca un indragostit-responsabil, indragostit-copil, indragostit-fanatic, indragostit-suferind, si multe alte combinatii de genul acesta. Practic, desi nu mi-am dat seama, in intregile mele luni de vacanta, toata personalitatea si toate conceptele mi s-au schimbat. E interesant cum se dezvaluie toate pe rand, pana cand ma voi recunoaste din nou pe mine insumi in actiunile mele. Desi ma simt acelasi, unele lucruri sunt radical diferite la mine. Varsta e de vina, mai mult ca sigur. Oricum ai lua lucrurile, la varsta asta (si inainte de varsta asta) si mult inainte de acum incolo, inveti ceva la fiecare pas, fiecare decizie. Imi amintesc cand, anul trecut, spuneam ca atunci cand ma indragostesc, mare parte din actiunea si gandurile mele se leaga, cumva, de persoana respectiva. Eu, ca un adolescent ce sunt, vreau sa trec prin propria-mi experienta, sa descopar calea mea, pentru a avea o legatura simturi-idei-realitate cat mai stransa. Daca vreti, cand cititi mesajele mele, nu va ganditi ca va scrie Paul, ci un personaj fictiv creat de acesta. Ce incerc eu sa realizez aici este de fapt sa explic, concep si descriu cunostintele mele sub forma pe care mi-o doresc. Ca nu reusesc, asta-i partea a treia.
Viata poate fi atat de simpla. De fapt si este. Daca nu m-ar preocupa atat de mult oamenii, daca m-ar interesa mai mult materiile scolare, sau oricum oamenii din alt punct de vedere decat psihologic, as avea mult mai multe sanse sa-mi ating prioritatile in viata. Vinerea trecuta, 8oct, am vazut la ora de engleza ca cele trei prioritati ale mele, din top, nu pot fi atinse simultan, ... cat despre individual... mai greu de spus. "being needed/loved(1), knowledge(2), creativity/nature(2)" sunt cele trei. Pentru mine fiecare din astea trei fac parte dintr-un domeniu atat de vag si de imens, incat mi-ar fi imposibil sa termin vreodata. Sa le descriu, in sens mai amanuntit.
In viata de pe pamant, excluzand viitorul meu ca fiinta spirituala, suflet, in Rai sau Iad, prima mea prioritate este sa ma simt necesar. Nu tot timpul, evident, dar atata timp cat aceasta necesitate nu este satisfacuta, nu voi renunta sa sper, sa simt, sa caut, sau altele de genul, invatand in continuu din lectiile vietii, din ... scoala vietii (dupa cum mi-a spus cineva), pentru ca, fara prima prioritate, nu pot trece cu sufletul impacat la celelalte. Nu va imaginati cine stie ce, e pur si simplu vorba despre ... o ordine. In functie de moment: imi doresc sa fiu in compania unei sau unor persoane, sau imi doresc sa fiu singur. Niciodata cand sunt cu persoana pe care o iubesc, sau la care tin cel mai mult (poate fi si un best friend in cazul celei de-a doua variante) nu-mi doresc sa fiu in alta parte. Candva, lunile trecute, ma gandeam sa invat sa ma controlez cat mai bine, sa fiu mai stapan pe mine in primul rand, lucru de care duc o mare lipsa, deoarece dorinta mea nu are aproape nici o piedica in a se manifesta. Asta inseamna ca imi dau foarte greu seama de lucrurile grave, ca, din cauza trairilor atat de intense, nu realizez importanta celor extrem de iesite din scara. La fel cum, la inceputul unei relatii de iubire, totul imi pare un vis. Ma chinui, uneori, sa pricep, sa simt mai mult de atat, dar nu reusesc. Deseori, din multe motive, nu ma simt facut pentru lumea asta. Stiu ca pot oferi stabilitate, sensibilitate, sfaturi (ganduri), relaxare, mistificare, pentru ca astfel ma simt si eu. In general stiu ce am de oferit si ce nu sunt in stare sa ofer, ce pot oferi de placere sau cu mare greutate, etc. Problema intervine in mai multe locuri. In primul rand, ca eu sufar si ma bucur de lucrurile mici, de unde ... e rau ca sufar din nimicuri. Ma implic, de cele mai multe ori, prea mult, si abia dupa un final oarecare, de unde nu mai exista intoarcere, imi dau seama de imensa greseala pe care o comit. Alt loc dilematic este insistenta. Dat fiindca a iubi/tine la cineva si reciproc este pe primul loc in viata mea, daca nu apar o sumedenie de motive puternice pentru a ma indeparta de la aceste nazuinte nu-mi pot clarifica nimic, nu-mi pot redirectiona mintea goala spre nimic altceva decat aceasta. Astfel ajung sa fac niste tampenii cat casa de mari. Fac greseli pe care le realizez fie in momentul in care le fac, fie dupa, dar niciodata inainte. Imi vine o chestie in cap, imi zic "De ce nu?" si, pe loc, nu gasesc motiv, asa ca o fac. De aici lectia numarul 1: trebuie sa-mi solidific principiile, pentru a nu mai calca peste propria-mi promisiune, si altele de genul. M-a speriat intotdeauna faptul ca sunt atat de defect, pe de-o parte. Pe de alta parte, mi-am placut mie insumi pentru ceea ce sunt capabil sa ofer pus sub influenta unei surse adecvate. De exemplu atunci cand iubesc, persoana respectiva este intotdeauna in stare sa scoata din mine, prin pura prezenta ei (care este, anormal pt voi, poate, dar normal pt mine, necesara pentru rezultat), o stare de inspiratie uimitor de mare. Atunci sunt convins ca daca m-as duce la olimpiada de creativitate, as lua mult:).
Asa... ziceam ca imi trebuie mai multa stapanire de sine. Vai, nu sunt deloc cursiv! Scriu ce scriu, si tot nu-mi iese o ordine macar.
Va vine sa credeti ca am scris toata asta in 30 de minute?... Trebuie sa ma mai antrenez, mi-am pierdut maiestria.
Mai am de lucrat la partea cu "a accepta". Sunt anumite dispozitii in care sunt atat de intelegator... ma depasesc pe mine insumi... Si mai tarziu... nu mai pot accepta. Port deseori dueluri cu realitatea, nu pentru ca as vrea sa o schimb neaparat, ci pentru ca mi-e foarte greu sa o accept fara sa ma schimb eu!... asta este ceea ce nici cei ce ma cunosc cel mai bine, nu cunosc mereu, chiar daca intuiesc. Uneori a accepta un lucru inseamna sa modific cele mai adanci credinte ale mele. Spre exemplu, de acum, pentru mine, dragostea la varsta asta nu trebuie lasata sa ajunga la o intensitate prea mare, fiindca ... nu suntem gata formati, si nu se stie ce consecinte va avea aceasta. Eu am lasat-o de fiecare data, si am avut de suferit; nu zic, mai putin decat fericirea, dar... in final, o limita superioara mai scazuta ar fi benefica amandurora din relatie.
Am mai invatat si ca experienta proprie are o valoare inestimabila. Nu intelegeam cum de o persoana poate refuza ajutorul... atunci cand are nevoie de el pentru a se descurca mai bine, dar acum, ei bine, desi nu tot timpul, inteleg. Cu timpul se adauga toate la cunostintele mele. Deocamdata sunt constient de cateva lucruri, care desi nu erau noi, speram sa nu fie adevarate, si le tratam ca atare. De aceea eu spun ca realitatea inconjuratoare nu are aproape nici o regula. Exceptand de cele obligatorii (ca trebuie sa respiri, sa mananci, sa bei, etc), regulile sunt asa cum ti le faci. O ambitie a mea e aceea de a fi o persoana buna sufleteste, si a ma si complace in aceasta stare (adica sa nu o fac fiindca asa consider ca trebuie). A trebuit sa renunt 99% la aceasta, deoarece lumea m-ar calca in picioare, am incercat insa sa intreprind actiuni astfel incat sa nu regret nimic mai tarziu. Si daca nu ar fi si fericirea personala, as fi lasat totul la modul acesta. Dar sufar prea mult, ma distrug pe mine insumi. M-am calcat singur in picioare. Atunci cand accept orice asa, fara sa comentez aproape deloc, pe moment e bine, dar mai apoi apar motive. Oricat de solide ar fi sentimentele mele pentru o persoana, nu ma pot calca in picioare pentru ea. Motiv pentru care incerc sa-mi modific anumite idei si altele, pentru ca acea persoana sa aiba cat mai mult de la mine. Imi place sa ofer, sa fac totul cat mai perfect, pentru ca ... asa simt ca-mi manifest iubirea, pa(h)sarea. Asadar eu sunt intr-o continua mini-schimbare. Nu se observa aproape deloc, deoarece... in general, nu se modifica nimic din personalitatea si caracterul meu. Oricat de mult mi-ar placea sa aberez subiectul ... sa trec la altceva, pentru ca nu mai termin :).
(2)Knowledge... adica cunoasterea. Cineva mi-a spus candva ca e o obsesie. Da, se poate, admit si asta, dar e o obsesie pe locul 2, deci, prin reducere la absurd, ori e si prima obsesie, mai mare ca aceasta (ori asta nu se poate, n-am ajuns inca asa departe), ori nu e obsesie :). E pe locul doi, fiindca fara cunoastere nu pot indeplini prima parte. Prima parte ... banuiesc ca este intotdeauna failibila, desi nu admit asta. Cunoasterea aici cuprinde cateva domenii mari si late: psihologia umana, pe primul loc, la mare distanta de urmatoarele (era inainte, iar acum s-au apropiat celelalte), informatica, matematica, engleza, practica materiala (prin asta se intelege cat de bine ma descurc de unul singur cu materialismul [adica generic vorbind banii, sau gatitul, s.a.]). Cred ca astea sunt, in ordinea data.
De cand am intrat si in domeniul psihologiei umane, sunt mai putin eficient in oricare alt domeniu. Am intrat si intr-o schimbare perpetua, datorata atat varstei, fenoment al naturii, cat si propriilor actiuni si cunoasteri. Cu alte cuvinte, am esuat sa mai inteleg tot ceea ce cunosc, am creat noi reguli de explicare, irationale, ilogice, proprii; am fost surprins sa constat cata elasticitate imi ofera aceasta noua conceptie. Pe masura ce acumulez, extind posiblitatea de a accepta alte... evenimente, alte fapte... ca sa zic asa, cunoasterea ma ajuta la "a accepta", cel de mai sus. Uneori am avut dreptate in ceea ce am spus atat de bine, incat am crezut ca sansele sa gresesc sunt foarte mici. Asa si este, insa pentru acel univers restrans la care ma refeream atunci; de aici... rezulta ca, pe masura ce traiesc ceva nou, trebuie sa o iau iar de la capat, pana cand nu voi mai face asta:). De la un punct se va contura o anumita forma a eului meu, atunci voi inceta sa ma schimb. Mie nu mi se pare mare lucru sa ma schimb pentru cineva, mai ales pentru persoana iubita, unde consider chiar necesar. Si nu sunt singurul, mai stiu multi baieti care ar fi in stare de asa ceva. Fete insa... mai putine. Insa asta nu e numai rau, pentru ca, pe de alta parte, baietii se avanta mai mult, iar fetele mai putin. Ceea ce determina ca fetele sa ofere stabilitate si baietii intensitate. La mine insa... e ceva gresit, fiindca ofer si stabilitate si intensitate. Cel putin pana acum, mi-a parut foarte rau de fiecare data cand am fost fortat de suferinta sa renunt la iubirea mea... pentru o anume persoana. Asta nu inseamna ca asa va fi si de acum incolo, dar deocamdata nu s-au schimbat prea multe.
Avand atata timp, si mai ales timpul trecand atat de greu, am revenit la a ma cunoaste pe mine insumi, chestie abandonata de vreo 4 luni incoace. Am observat ca nu mai cunosc mare lucru. Ma simt la fel, dar nu sunt. Inca n-am descifrat ce si cum, dar stiti ce? Nici nu tin! Pentru ca... asta ar fi, sa zicem, abia prioritatea a 4-a: cunoaste-te pe tine insuti :).
(3) Creativity/nature- Aici e mai greu de explicat. Creativitatea consta la mine in randamentul folosirii resurselor. Spre exemplu, daca reusesc sa scriu ceva, cu cat e mai bun, cu atat gradul de creativitate e mai mare. In afara de asta, caut sa gasesc inspiratie din orice. Deci creativitatea consta si in gasirea solutiei pentru randament cat mai mare. Randament maxim am, pana acum, atunci cand ma inspira persoana iubita. Altfel, natura. De asta sunt legate. Imi place sa cunosc natura, sa o descriu, sa compar frumusetea si aparenta perfectiune a ei cu cea umana, si nu mi se pare gresit. Doar toate sunt plasmuiri ale Lui Dumnezeu, nu? Perfectiunea este pretutindeni. Nu e ca in banc: "Ce-a zis D-zeu cand a facut barbatul?/-Cred ca pot mai mult." Tot asa cum, pentru noi, firele de iarba sunt aparent identice, pentru etajul de deasupra noastra, adica Dumnezeu, noi suntem identici. De asta inaintea Lui aparem toti egali, si suntem priviti ca fiinta umana. In afara de natura... numai in singuratatea interioara mai gasesc inspiratie, in suferinta. De aceea nu-mi displace atat de rau sa sufar, caci pot sa creez. E drept ca nu tot timpul pot, din pacate... Asa cum spuneau cateva fete, in momentele de suferinta omul da dovada de cele mai bune acte de creatie, asa ca, dragii mei, folositi suferinta in avantajul vostru: creati!, nu?
Pana aici ajunge atata detaliere. Desi starea de inspiratie nu m-a parasit, sunt obosit. Azi ma simt istovit, de la jumatatea zilei incoace. Inca de pe la 2 am vrut sa ma culc... Sper ca nu am scris ceva suparator aici, pentru nimeni, fiindca pentru plictiseala nu are rost sa-mi cer scuze. Uneori scriu intr-un fel, alteori altfel. Imi pare rau pentru neinteresantul meu capitol, dar sper ca macar ati avut bunavointa sa cititi pana la sfarsit. Eu de obicei am, pentru ca nu costa mult. A fost o saptamana mai lunga, dar nu mai lunga decat week-endul trecut. Nu stiu cand urmeaza sa scriu capitolul urmator, asa ca, pana atunci, ca sa ma citez din capitoul 1 trecut: nu ma judecati prea tare, sunt si eu un copil, departe de parinti si de frate:). La cat pun eu la suflet, si voua v-ar fi greu sa va descurcati... cat despre mine, incerc sa fiu pe placul tuturor, si eu insumi in acelasi timp, si nu consider asta un fals, o consider un act de intelegere.
Sa ne vedem mai sanatosi si mai indragostiti! Daca nu de oameni, macar de viata ;). Smile!:)
"Din viata scapa cine poate" - End of chapter one

"Despre ingeri"

2006-06-04T11:42:00.000-07:00

Am inceput sa citesc o carte foarte interesanta. V-o recomand, chiar si pentru cei ce nu cred in Dumnezeu (sau oricum nu in cel al crestinolor). Studiul angelologiei e foarte bine redactat in cartea "Despre ingeri", al carei autor este Andrei Plesu, si care m-a determinat sa cercetez mai departe (mai ales Judecata de Apoi in conceptia crestina, dar si altele...). Vei vedea ca, daca-i acorzi o sansa, afirmatiile sale sunt mai interesante decat te-ai astepta. Eu o sa includ doar fragmente, la adresa http://www.gewissen.as.ro/
Comentarii si pareri puteti sa lasati aici... si daca aveti intrebari sau recomandari (eventual daca mai vreti pagini)... tot aici. Enjoy!

[New story] Chapter fourteen - "The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously." - Henry Alfred Kissinger

2006-06-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

N-as fi crezut ca am sa revin atat de curand in fata ta. Ma urmaresti cumva? M-ai urmarit vreodata? Calatoresc... si sunt greu de urmarit.

Arta de a intelege si simti pe cineva intr-adevar aproape nu porneste din exterior. Nimic nu e mai frumos pe lume decat senzatia ca te afli in comuniune cu oamenii.... macar cu unul in afara de tine. Idealul meu de roman genial este acel roman care te face sa calatoresti atat de mult incat te simti epuizat dupa ce-l termini, si ai nevoie de cateva zile ca sa revii la realitate. Genul de roman care te face sa-ti readuci in fata ochilor realitatea, in speranta ca va fi cu noi priviri, cu noi conceptii. Ce face un scriitor multumit de opera lui? In experienta mea de pana acum, ceea ce conteaza cel mai mult in relatia scriitor-opera este reprezentat de senzatia ca a exprimat intr-adevar ceea ce dorea, si relatia cititorului cu aceasta opera.

Noi spunem ca intelegem cutare si cutare lucru, dar stii cat este de greu, de fapt, sa intelegi? Inima este un izvor nesfarsit de simtiri, trairi, dar, in acelasi timp, refuzam sa proiectam in interior 99% din evenimentele de peste zi. Se intampla cumva prea multe in lume? Simti si tu asta? Chiar azi am citit intr-o carte (Christophe Dufosse - Sfarsitul Orelor), despre adolescentul care simte ca lumea este de mult in suferinta de ceva, cauzat nu de suprafata lucrurilor (in acel caz problemele cu radiatia nucleara si sida), ci de ceva prezent de mai demult in oameni. Asa ca ei se simt presati, de timp, oarecum, sa se schimbe si sa asimileze mai mult, sa inteleaga si sa recupereze, sa poata face ceva... De ce? De ce? Ma intreb, oare cei de dinaintea noastra erau altfel?

M-am trezit intr-o dimineata cu senzatia ca m-am intors in timp. Tocmai ma trezisem dintr-un vis care mi-a lasat aceeasi senzatie pe care am mai avut-o si acum cativa ani. Nu stiu cum am identificat-o... M-am simtit tanar in acea zi, si de atunci incoace am senzatia ca mi s-a dat mai multa viata de trait. E minunat! Calatoresc...

Am fost putin socat de posibilitatea calatoriei in timp, descoperita la fizica acum, inainte de inceputul vacantei. Daca in teorie nu te poti intoarce in timp in acelasi univers, ci intr-unul paralel, atunci, filozofic, a trai in iluzie poate fi o realitate ca oricare alta. Imagineaza-ti ca n-ai de unde sa stii daca apartii universului pe care-l vezi sau nu. Si cu timpul interior cum ramane? Dar nu-i nimic...

E interesant cum ajungi sa crezi ca baza peste care-ti asterni cunostintele, la un moment dat, este una sigura. Nimic nu este sigur decat daca este inventat. Iar daca este inventat, este sigur doar in imaginatie. Un exemplu e matematica... E sigura, dar numai in teorie. Viata ta nu e sigura... tu nici nu stii cand vei muri. Nici nu traiesti cu senzatia asta in tine. Si foarte probabil nu ti-ai imaginat-o cu adevarat. Eu nu am facut-o, si recunosc asta; te felicit daca totusi ai trait experienta...

Asadar viata poate fi o calatorie... chiar si acum, daca citesti si ai ajuns pana aici, calatoresti prin multe... Calatoresti prin cuvinte, prin idei, senzatii, timp, materie. De ce a disecat omul toata realitatea atat de mult? Nu este Universul un tot unitar? De ce-am ajuns sa consideram ca exista 1 si -1? Zicem ca ne dezvoltam, ca toata gandirea si complexitatea ne ajuta sa intelegem, sa dezvoltam si sa rationam mai departe, spre noi teorii. In unele domenii se contracta, in sfarsit, cunostintele, spre un centru. Poate n-ai experienta suficienta, dar, daca ai, ai observat in mod sigur ca, dupa ce s-a adunat multa teorie, pare ca dintr-o data vine ceva care o leaga, ii da sens: vine o noua teorie care face legatura intre toate si impaca gandirea ta si a celorlalti. Cand eram mic traiam senzatia de a descoperi o teorema impreuna cu autorul care mi-era predat chiar in acel moment. Eram fericit cand ne preda o teorie pe care o banuiam... eram singur. Acum nu mai sunt singur. Sunt cu tine... si sunt cu mine.

Cate incap in mine? Infinit, sa fie? Mi se pare parca prea mult. Timp ... este mult si putin simultan. Am timp sa trec prin atatea, si niciodata suficient sa trec prin toate. Am perioade cand in fiecare zi uit cateva lucruri pe care mi-am propus sa le duc la bun sfarsit. Cred ca sunt genul de om care ar fi in stare sa faca peste cativa ani ceva ce si-a propus sa faca ieri, fara prea multe ezitari. In mine trece si nu trece timpul... Trece pentru ca termin liceul, inevitabil, si merg inainte, spre facultate. Nu trece pentru ca, desi se apropie bacalaureatul cu o viteza uimitoare, viata mea, sufletul meu, mintea mea, parca nu imbatranesc. Poate e doar varsta la care totul e posibil... nu stiu.

Ma intreb, curios, daca cuvintele mele ajung vreodata la subconstientul tau, sa schimbe ceva. Stii ca, desi constiinta este ceva ce deseori ti se opune, ai control asupra ei? In asta consta, cel mai concret, comunicarea cu sine. Poate-ti par(eau) niste aberatii, dar sa-i vorbesti inimii tale inseamna sa fii in stare sa-ti comunici tie insuti ceea ce vrei de la tine, de la viata, si sa-ti poti si raspunde. Sa te iubesti, sa te urasti. Sa te intelegi, sa ... calatoresti.

Imi pare rau ca nu-ti pot oferi o calatorie mai profunda in lumea mea acum, caci tare mi-as dori, dar somnul imi cere sa ma supun si iti promit o noua zi cu inspiratie de acelasi fel in curand. Nu uita sa zbori si sa visezi, caci sufletul abia asteapta sa calatoreasca cu tine. Nu-l lasa acasa. Arunca-te asupra celor pe care-i ai langa tine... vibreaza. Carpe diem!

"Stop sometimes and look into the stains of walls, or ashes of a fire, or clouds, or mud or like places - you may find marvelous ideas." - "Art is never finished, only abandoned." - All from Leonardo da Vinci, 1452 - 1519 - End of Chapter fourteen

What do you think about the above story?
	Great! I want more journeys like this one!
	Nice. I'd read one from time to time.
	Ok, maybe I'll come read one another time.
	Sad, I don't like it.
	Silly.
	Boring.

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