Asa.. acuma hai sa facem si romaneste. Azi m-am apucat si yo de citit "Crima si pedeapsa"... si cre' ca imi place... destul... Ma gandesc ca cu cat esti mai inteligent si ai cunostiinte mai vaste cu atat iti e mai usor sa innebunesti, sa faci lucruri cu adevarat sarite din normal, si mai ales, sa nu-ti dai seama cand ai depasit limita rationalului admis... Fiindca, in principiu, tot ce faci, faci pe baza argumentelor.. kear si crimele. M-am intrebat chiar si daca eu as putea sa ucid.. E bine de stiut ca nu :)... nu ca n-as avea curaj.. poate n-as avea... Dar.. una kestie e ca nu suport bine sa vad sange.. mai ales p'al meu, deci clar nu ma fac doftor :).. iar alta ar putea fi ca nu ma simt ok sa fiu eu cel care ia decizia asupra vietii persoanei.. Nu cred in destin ca sa zic ca "ii inchei destinul".. dar.. totusi... N-as face asta :)... Una peste alta.. n-as prea scrie carti sau povestiri despre sinucideri, crime.. morti.. fiindca, ei bine, au scris prea multi despre asta. Si s-au descurcat bine... si nu tin sa ma supradocumentez fiindca atunci poate chiar m-ar atrage o lume de genul ala.. si.. he he... asta ar fi rau. O observatie generala e ca fiecare criminal se intreaba daca este nebun, sau, crede ca ceilalti il considera nebun. Si chiar se straduieste... acopera.. cat poate.. dar.. exact atunci.. i se pare ca totul merge exact cum n-ar trebui.. Nu intru in detalii pentru ca nu toti au citit opera ;)
Offf... sunt plin de ceva... si de data asta nu prea are legatura cu iubirea... (e si aia p'acolo.. da' sa nu exageram) E.. faptul ca trebuie sa fac ceva sau.. desi ar fi prea bine, sa vina ceva facut de la alta persoana.. Um... Asta in general.. Nici nush ce.. da' devine din ce in ce mai apasator faptul ca nu se intampla nimic in nimic. Nu stiu de ce acum as vrea.. Mai incolo sunt sigur ca o sa-mi treaca si voi vrea ca totul sa ia un moment de respiro, o pauza, sa nu se mai intample nimic. Sunt de-a dreptul tulburatzel!.. Hm... si am de citit cartea urgent..da.. mai am 2 zile.. sau teoretic una si jumatate. O kestie interesanta e ca imi place cartea, si cu toate ca o citesc cu o viteza de se rupe, asa cam vreun rand pe secunda, de nu mai retin amanuntele dupa ce trec pagina, n-am facut decat 100 de pagini, in 2 ore... sau.. aprox.. Chestia e ca.. eh... lumea de acolo.. ei.. sper sa nu fiu nevoit sa ma gandesc la ea. Imi aminteste de 1984 umpic... Chiar asa, cartile cu vieti afectate, distruse.. cu oameni cu probleme grave.. etc.. ma fac sa ma simt bine, nu in momentul citirii, ci cand ma intorc la realitate. Acum ma dor ochii penibil de rau, si chiar daca e asa, nu plec de aici! Tre' sa ma descarc fiindca am 6 vise pe noapte si este enorm.. Inca nu ma streseaza atat de rau incat sa-mi doresc o scapare.. da' n-ar fi rau. Fiindca dupa ce ca dorm putin, dorm nelinistit si aproape ca mai odihnitor e sa lucrez la vreo materie decat sa dorm.. Si.. cel mai ciudat.. e ca sunt vise frumoase, nu cosmaruri.. Chiar si mintea mea e fericita, asta numesc eu profunzime. Daca si subconstientul e multumit si tulburat, inseamna ca o sa ma inteleg bine cu el, fiindca asa sunt si yo acuma... Poate ca ar trebui sa le scriu... inca nu stiu.. dar am un subconstient mult prea activ! Nu ma pot odihni.. hm... e grav :)... si acum imi dau seama... S-ar putea sa pic, de asta mi-e frica. N-am mai picat de mult. Da' si cand pic.. oooff... ce astept ceva.. dak as sti si ce...ar fi mai bine, nu? Hm... nush ce parere avetzi da' mie mi se pare ca scriu mai slabutz in romana.. o sa mai incerc totusi.. ca si limba asta are un rost ;)
Daca v-as spune ca sunt coplesit.. ah.. nu ca ma simt asa mereu.. dar.. sunt anumite momente cand imi pare ca n-am ce face.. Din fericire stiu cum sa scap din ele.. e o varianta, aia prin care astept, daca e cea mai buna.. nuj... E.. din ce in ce mai intortocheat totul.. Iubirea mea incepe sa se lege de tot.. deja nu mai trebuie sa o tin eu in mine... Si.. oricum, eu practicam visatul cu ochii deschisi, chiar si cand nu eram indragostit, dar acum, acum orice vis mai am cu ochii deschisi.. se leaga, pana la final, de asta, de iubire... Si incerc si eu.. deja n-o mai simt atat de coplesitoare.. parca ma inteleg cu ea, parca nu-mi mai pune atatea griji.. Stiti cum e iubirea? E si egoista si altruista in acelasi timp... la inceput mai mult egoista, mai incolo mai mult altruista.. dupa aceea cred ca se tinde spre un echilibru. Nu total.. Oscileaza, asa ca la fizica, depinde de impuls ;). Mai e si o chestie care imi place.. pana la un punct, anume ca doare mult, la inceput, dupa aceea.. in functie de persoana, de cantitatea si intensitatea durerii, si de cat suporti, devine mai libera, te face fericit ea singura... chiar daca n-ai de ce.. Pur si simplu te bucuri ca esti capabil sa simti asa ceva... Eu o sa ma bucur sa ma intorc maine la scoala.. Fiindca uite, daca stau departe de lume, stiam ca asta se intampla... ma tulbur.. umpic sau mai mult.. Si prin asta se intelege ca am multe ganduri si nu mai stiu pe care sa-l iau.. si chiar daca le rezolv nu se termina. Uneori imi place sa absorb informatie, multa, pana cand nu mai pot, asa.. sa simt ca-s plin.. da.. Cititul poate face asta.. Ma apuc de o carte.. si n-o las pana cand simt ca nu mai vad.. Stau asa cu ochii in ea vreo 2 ore... si cand ma uit in jur observ ca nu observ nimic.. ca nici macar pe pixul de la 40-50 de centimetri nu ma pot concentra.. ce sa mai zic de ceva mai indepartat. Oh da... si iar imi amintesc de ora de biologie.. cand un elev a zis ca daca-ti dai o palma iti mor 3 neuroni :).. he he.. funny :)... toata clasa incepuse sa testeze pe colegu' parca.. :)..
Am observat azi, in drum spre basket.. ca un coleg are un orgoliu.. asa.. si.. o mandrie.. mari.. dar, chiar foarte. Si eu nu-s asa.. Hm.. de bine de rau.. om vedea.. Kestia e ca macar ceva e bine, ma pot concentra pe subiecte.. in sfarsit.. Cam de pe la mate pe sector am observat.. E bine. M-am mai calmat... Ieri insa... Municipiu mate adica... N-am reusit prea bine.. din cauza ca a ajuns oboseala la mine, exact ceea ce nu speram. Si acum o sa ma invart in cerc asteptand ceva din exterior.. Nush de ce fac asta in loc sa ma apuc de unul singur sa fac ceva, si sa inchei secventa asta repetitiva... hm! "I Should!" nu?... mrrr... Well.. I've had enough now.. Will go on l8er...
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
[Old story] Chapter three - full of thoughts
Friday, March 24, 2006
[Old story] Chapter two - maybe letting go...
Here I go again... Coming up :).
One way, one situation. Let's start over... No meant to be, no not meant to be, no knowing what the future holds in for him. There's a door just ahead. And opens by itself... the only problem is that there's no way to see behind the darkness... the only way to do that is by stepping in it.
"What's your problem?" he sais to the darkness in front of him. "There's no problem really... U just think that because I look like this I ain't normal. What is normal anyhow? How do you know if I'm real or not? Couldn't I be just one of your dreams?" whispers from above him. He heads for the wall and turns on the light.
Next!
I dunno about others... really, but when it comes to me, I write better in first person.
How do people find out they miss others? And how do they miss others? Dunno that.. I find myself dreaming with my eyes open... I'm very good at focusing on stuff... and if I'm not so tired I can flash-back to any period of my life or my dream and return just like nothing happened... I noticed that few people look into my eyes. That's coz there's this huge world behind them. And they know that... I showed one of them this story to see what's it like to find out that i have a side that not everyone knows... Well, this world is full of sufferance... that is mostly unneeded, and especially, too allowed to control. U know I wonder what adults see... Teachers, when they look... I even dream with my eyes open and looking at'em. It seems okay... People have their own problems :). This world would have been dead if it wuz no selfishness. That's what keeps us rollin'... Coz if there's no I, then there's no help.
I sometimes feel like i have to let go of everything.. U know.. the "What i have to do for that one" or "what did i forget to do today"... And I do... I waste my time at the PC or I go outside and take a walk... that's the best way :) It's like.. i've always wondered what is it like to have a full life... And, well, now it's best. Cause i can make it full if i want to, and i can make it back if i dislike it... This is how it's worth keeping. Everytime something emptying strikes i go to my inside world... maybe all this is too usual to you, maybe even to me. But it's worth remembering. :) I've never thought just loving someone could make me happy... But it does... Of course not as actually gettin' 2 b with that somebody... But it feels great. Right now, if ya asked me, i'd say i'll love her forever. Hey.. this ain't so true, but it's how it makes me feel :). Makes me wish I had that power on people... Kinda like do whatever you want with them :). Ain't that some privilege? Okay... all this talking about love stops now :)
I want now to find a way for focusing on sleeping. I need a restart :)... because the more chilled I am while I am awake.. the more dreamy I am when I go to bed... This will end sometime soon... hopefully. Cause I'm very irritable in this mood.. and... i don't like that, even with all the happiness easy and meanless things can get to me, makes me feel a lil weak. So what solution do I have? Hm... i c one, go do some sports. I'll do that... call ppl and make them get together to do stuff.. I dunno.. basketball, ping pong.. maybe smth else.
Hey... like.. what r contests to me? I really can't tell exactly why I ain't worried.. well.. saturday i could... coz it wuz no problem, i wuz already going for info... but what about when i wuz in info last week? How come I didn't worry at all? I feel strange to know that I hadn't thought of them almost at all until i wuz facing the problems...hmm.. this has never happened 2 me before.. Still, even with all this sleepless nights I feel pretty good.. Gosh.. if I wuzn't this happy, not sleeping would have really gotten to me.. but like this.. neah.. i don't really care. I should! Just like I should listen to the radio, and read some books that i've been recommended... or play some games... Or learn some computer shit that I've seen.. hm... well.. if i did all those i'd be too good :)... why ain't i doin' that? what is will anyway? Sometimes i find it so easy to get up from here and go do some good deeds... and other times I find it hard just to go eat.. or to go out with some ppl.. Will is more like if the idea clicks something inside ya or not... or if it seems unworthy just coz u don't feel like it... yea.. will may be something moody... It all depends :)... I like how "Man is not a rational being" sounds, makes me feel good.. It really is like that :). (Me out of energy.. pause game.)
Thursday, March 23, 2006
[New story] Chapter eight
Chapter eight - "My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? Charles M. Schulz"
Cine in aceasta lume are soarta norocoasa sa-si descifreze scopul vietii in prima parte a ei? Nu pot sa ofer un raspuns perfect adevarat la aceasta intrebare, in primul rand datorita inexactitatii adevarului in sinea sa, iar in al doilea fiindca niciodata n-as garanta, nici macar pentru mine, ca l-am descoperit sau l-am inteles. Oricate voi cunoaste, am senzatia ca aceasta calatorie de viata nu se va termina decat simultan cu ea insasi. Intrebarea "Ce fac eu ca sa merit a fi fericit, fara nici un scop in viata?" imi ridica cu siguranta o inalta inclinatie spre prezenta norocului. In ultimele mele lecturi, majoritatea opere ale lui Paulo Coelho, am descifrat ca viata este puternic ghidata de foarte multi factori, printre care, daca si tu crezi, Dumnezeu este cel cu drept de veto. Am putea considera norocul ca pe o sansa, o soarta, oferita de imprejurari unei persoane.
Sunt aproape sigur ca toata filozofia mea porneste de la premisa ca totul, absolut, in acest univers in care traim si pe care-l numim "planeta Pamant", este (perfect) echilibrat. Balansat in asa fel incat fiecare primeste ceea ce merita, chiar daca intr-un interval de timp nedefinit. Chiar daca nu in aceasta viata, ci intr-una viitoare (una sau mai multe). N-am o explicatie concreta, rationala, pentru credinta aceasta. Pur si simplu ma caracterizeaza si o observ bine in jurul meu, ea mi se POTRIVESTE.
Nu sustin ca e cea mai buna conceptie despre lume, Doamne fereste, accept o persoana pe cel mai bun prieten indiferent de filozofia sa. Doream sa ajung la faptul ca sustin ideea ca fiecare din aceasta lume sa-si aiba propria filozofie de viata (ceea ce, de fapt, este deja adevarat), daca i se potriveste (e, aici e mai greu, nu-s asa de multi oameni in intelegere cu ei insisi).
Citind despre religii am capatat senzatia ca omul a petrecut mii de ani cautand insemnatatea universului si a sinelui. Poate in mandria sa, el era intotdeauna in centrul atentiei, situat deasupra tuturor celorlalte creatii ale lumii. Dar, in orice caz, exista un set de "norme" prezent in tot ceea ce a fost acceptat ca religie. Majoritatea dintre acestea se refera la perceptia omului asupra semenilor, precum si la importanta faptelor si gandurilor proprii. Tot majoritatea sustin, din aceste puncte de vedere, egalitatea intre oameni (fara superioritati intre rase, etc) si evitarea gandurilor "rele", promovarea atentiei si a iubirii fata de aproape si a aprecierii de sine. Unele ofera principii mentale, altele ofera porunci catre inima, insa acestea pentru pace si intelegere intre oameni. Asta, in final, este ceea ce trebuie sa apreciem cu adevarat in religia oricarui om!
"I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves." Bruce Grocott
Istoria a oferit multi oameni care sa munceasca fara a fi recunoscuti. Acestia nu au fost uitati pentru ca, direct sau indirect, toti intram, permanent, in contact cu ei: facem parte din acest tip de oameni, i-am avut sub patronaj, sau ne-au fost prieteni sau cunostinte, au fost oameni peste care am calcat in ascensiunea noastra sau persoane ce ne-au fost alaturi in momentele de coborare, etc. Oricat de neimportant esti, daca insemni totul pentru cineva, atunci nu ai existat degeaba. "You may be only one person in the world, but you can be the world to one person."
"The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it." Harry Emerson Fosdick
Tehnologia-si face meseria... Progresul duce omul spre ceva "mai bun", zicem noi. Oare asa este? Inca ma oripileaza daunele imense ce se produc asupra mediului, planetei noastre. Chiar si cele mai simple, cum ar fi gropile de gunoi, ma scot din sarite. Cum sa umpli toata planeta de gunoi? Cu gropi, eh! In loc sa aruncam tone de plastic si sa le-ngropam, mai bine nu le-am folosi deloc. Ma opresc, ca nu vreau sa fac promotie la ecologie chiar acum...
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." George Bernard Shaw
Adevarat! Moartea altcuiva nu poate fi sfarsitul vietii tale, de-asta e "a altcuiva". Ceea ce percep eu e ca viata este undeva la mijloc, amuzanta si serioasa, adica intotdeauna sa fii vesel dar sa stii sa n-o arati cand nu trebuie, sau sa nu-ti transformi fericirea in ceva superficial.
"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." Gustave Flaubert
Prostia aduce fericire. Eu asa cred. Viata este mai putin complicata, si, in plus, intelectualii au vise pretentioase. Cei mai prosti stiu ca viata se reduce la ceea ce pot sa faca, asa ca nu viseaza la absolut. Sunt si intelectuali fericiti, desigur... asa cum sunt si prosti nefericiti...
"I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful." John Constable
Cum se spune: nu exista nimeni urat pe lumea asta. Nu se poate sa nu existe nimeni pentru tine. Undeva se afla cineva care-ti va privi chipul si va spune uimit cat este de frumos, indiferent ca acel cineva ti-e prieten(a), iubit(a) sau sot(ie).
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." W.H. Auden
Dragostea, in orice fel, aduce viata si veselie cu sine. Desigur, aduce si tristete profunda, dar nu cand e implinita. Atunci cand tinem la cineva, o banala spusa ne poate aduce zambetul pe buze.
"We think by hating someone we hurt them, but hatred is a curved blade, and the harm that we do to others we also do to ourselves." - The five people you meet in heaven (The Movie)
Ura se intoarce impotriva noastra chiar din secunda in care uram. Cu siguranta, unii vor afirma ca pot sa existe mai bine, mai capabili, atunci cand urasc pe cineva, dar ceea ce nu iau in considerare e cat de mult se transforma in acest timp. Ca si iubirea, ura te schimba astfel incat ajungi sa arati ca ceea ce simti in interior...
"All weddings, loved my choice, I can go from one to another all over the world. When the groom lifts the veil, and the bride takes the ring, nothing ever changes. They always believe their love will break all the records." - The five people you meet in heaven (The Movie)
The main character's wife dies. In heaven, afterwards:
"- You had to live without me for many years, didn't you? she said, You felt that it was snatched away, that I left you too soon.
- You did leave to soon.
- There's a reason to it all.
- What reason? You died, died and you lost everything. I lost everything: I lost the only woman I ever loved.
- No you didn't. I was right here. And you love me anyhow. Our love is still love Eddie, it takes a different form, that's all. You can't hold their hands, you can't tossle their hair, but when those senses weaken another one comes to love: memory, memory becomes your partner, you hold her, you dance with it. Life has to end Eddie, love doesn't." - The five people you meet in heaven (The Movie)
"I was sad because I didn't do anything with my life, because I always felt trapped by the things that were happening to me, I wasn't where I was supposed to be." - The five people you meet in heaven (The Movie)
Nu mai comentez iubirea, dar recomand filmul... a fost o noutate pentru mine, prin conceptie. Superb!
Am observat ca nici nu-mi dau seama cat de subiectiv sunt. Blocul in care locuiesc, cu tot aspectul sau exterior si interior imi pare atat de cald, agreabil. Mereu cand ma duc in alte zone, in alte blocuri, simt, de fapt, cat de rece si distant este orasul, cat de inexpresiva este o cladire construita astfel. Insa despre case, apartamente, nu pot spune acelasi lucru. Imi place interiorul unui apartament, ma gasesc printre camerele, decorativele si alte obiecte din incinta.
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?" Kelvin Throop III
Geniala afirmatie.
"It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow." Robert H. Goddard
Lumea este prea mare ca noi sa facem fata schimbari; dar putem sa fim alaturi de ea prin perseverenta si dorinta de a realiza ceva, manifestata, in final, prin devotament fata de pasiune: a-ti placea ceea ce faci asa de mult incat sa-ti ramana in minte la o simpla atingere.
"I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness." Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Raisins, 2003
"A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home." Rodney Dangerfield
Amuzanta.
"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree." Charles Baudelaire
Comunicarea este impiedicata de limbaj, la fel cum tot acesta o faciliteaza. In situatia actuala, omul cunoaste prea putine cuvinte si este prea putin capabil sa faca fata intregului vocabular existent de la formarea unei limbi, pentru a putea sa exprime cu adevarat ceea ce gandeste; sau celalalt sa inteleaga. Deasupra tuturor, insa, sta chemistry-ul: atunci cand doi oameni sunt "posedati" de acelasi sentiment, ca se inteleg ca prin minune, chiar se intampla...
"[M]aybe the most any of us can expect of ourselves isn't perfection but progress." Michelle Burford, O Magazine, 2003
Da, corect. Dar asta nu ma opreste sa vreau un progres infinit. Ceea ce, pana la urma, tot la perfectiune duce. Apropo de care, nu-mi doresc sa indrept tot ce nu-mi convine la mine. Doar ca nu pot sta niciodata locului, trebuie sa am ce face, si cum sunt impotriva pierderii timpului in mod inutil, iar lumea este prea larga pentru a cunoaste vreodata totul, practic vreau un progres infinit (chiar daca teoretic nu este asa).
"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds." Sir Francis Bacon
Ceea ce inseamna ca, daca acuzi vreodata ca esti destept dar n-ai avut ocazia, trebuie sa consideri si posibilitatea ca ai avut ocazia sa-ti faci o ocazie...
"We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts." John Dewey
Unele descoperiri se intampla din greseala.
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is." Chuck Reid
Deh, viata asta teoretica!
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." Erica Jong
Mai mult american. Desi, psihologic, si romanii au tendinta sa ceara sfaturi atunci cand nu le convine solutia proprie.
"Well, spring sprang. We've had our state of grace and our little gift of sanctioned madness, courtesy of Mother Nature. Thanks, Gaia. Much obliged. I guess it's time to get back to that daily routine of living we like to call normal." David Assael, Northern Exposure, Spring Break, 1991
Nu pot sa comentez asa ceva... visul este facut ca sa fie urmat, dar realitatea ne constrange fara voia noastra uneori.
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
Doar amuzanta.
"It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation." Dr. Rob Gilbert
"A man should not leave this earth with unfinished business. He should live each day as if it was a pre-flight check. He should ask each morning, am I prepared to lift-off?" Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, All is Vanity, 1991
As someone said, it is hope that makes us wake up each morning.
"A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world." Edmond de Concourt
De ce a pictat asta? Cu ce scop?
La fel cum unele capodopere literare sunt scrise de autori fiindca pur si simplu ideea le-a aparut intr-un vis, pictorul nu mediteaza dinainte, zile si nopti, la fiecare punct dintr-un tablou. N-am auzit in viata mea mai multe comentarii ridicole decat cele din analiza unei picturi...
Paulo Coelho, Al cincilea munte:
"Ilie se trezi a doua zi si privi din nou spre apa Cheritului.
Maine, sau peste un an, va ramane doar o fasie de nisip fin si pietre de rau. Cei mai batrani ar continua sa-l numeasca Cherit si poate ar explica calatorului ratacit ca "locul cautat se afla pe malul raului care trece prin apropiere". Calatorii ar ajunge la locul cu pricina, ar privi pietrele rotunde si nisipul fin si si-ar spune: "Ia te uita, pe-aici chiar a trecut candva o apa." Dar, singurul lucru important la un rau, suvoiul de apa, nu mai era acolo pentru a stinge setea trecatorului. Si sufletul omului, intocmai ca paraiele si plantele, avea nevoie de un soi e ploaie: speranta, credinta, ratiune de a fi. Cand acestea lipsesc, sufletul moare, desi trupul continua sa traiasca. Oamenii ar putea atunci spune: "Ia te uita, in acest trup chiar a trait cineva."
"Dragostea putea fi o experienta mai inspaimantatoare decat aceea de a te afla fata in fata cu un arcas care tinteste spre inima ta. Daca sageata isi nimerste tinta, esti mort si de restul are grija Dumnezeu. Daca te loveste dragostea, trebuie sa-ti asumi singur consecintele.
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La fel cum sunt oameni care lupta in razboaie si apoi se tem de dragoste, sunt si cei care tin ceva ascuns de catre o persoana draga in speranta ca nu va mai fi nevoie sa dezvaluie durerosul adevar. Acesta insa are, sadic, ironic, un mod si mai crunt de a iesi la suprafata...
"- Pe aici a trecut multa lume, in drum spre Tir si Sidon. Unii se plangeau ca n-au reusit sa faca nimic in Akbar si se duceau sa-si incerce norocul in alta parte. Dupa un timp se intorceau. Nu reusisera sa gaseasca ce cautau, pentru ca luasera cu ei, pe langa bagaje, povara infrangerii suferite. Cate unul gasise ceva de lucru la carmuire, sau era bucuros ca a putut da o educatie mai aleasa copiilor, dar atat. Pentru ca trecutul lor din Akbar ii facuse tematori, n-aveau destula incredere in ei insisi pentru a indrazni mai mult. Pe la poarta mea au trecut si oameni plini de entuziasm. Profitasera de fiecare clipa de viata la Akbar si, cu multa greutate, reusisera sa adune banii necesari pentru calatoria planuita. Pentru ei, viata era o permanenta victorie si, fara indoiala, asa continua sa fie. Si acestia se intorceau, dar aveau de povestit lucruri minunate. Obtinusera tot ce-si dorisera, pentru ca nu s-au impieicat de frustrarile din trecut.
[...]
- Daca trecutul nu te multumeste, uita-l pe loc, continua el. Alcatuieste-ti o noua viata in care sa crezi. Concentreaza-te numai asupra momentelor in care ai obtinut ce doreai si asta iti va da putere sa reusesti.
[...]- De ce vrei sa salvezi un oras condamnat
- Daca ma opresc sa ma gandesc la asta, nu voi mai fi in stare sa termin ceea ce am inceput, ii raspunse el.
Batranul pastor avea dreptate (nu e intre personajele astea doua): unica sansa era sa uite trecutul indoielilor si sa-si faureasca o noua istorie. Prorocul de altadata pierise o data cu femeia in mijlocul flacarilor ce-i mistuiau casa. Acum era un necredincios, ros de indoieli. Dar era viu, desi sfidase blestemul Celi de Sus. Daca voia sa-si continue drumul, trebuia sa faca ceea ce-si propusese."
'- ... am fost odata copil si stiu ca pentru ei nu exista trecut, raspunse Ilie, amintindu-si din nou de vorbele pastorului. Desi i-a infricosat noaptea invaziei, acum nu se mai gandesc la asta. rasul este, pentru ei, un imens loc de joaca, unde intra si ies cand vor. Pana la urma vor descoperi locurile unde au ascuns localnicii hrana pentru a rezista in timpul asediului. Un copil poate oricand sa-l invate pe un adult trei lucruri: cum sa fie multumit fara motiv, cum sa nu stea locului niciodata si cum sa ceara cu insistenta ce-si doreste."
Optimismul... presupune si uitare. Sunt anumite fraze care trebuie sa-ti vina in minte atunci cand ai de luat o decizie, cand iti doresti sa faci un pas inainte. Poate ca a-ti expune credintele si sufletul undeva, doar pentru tine, in orice creatie, iti va usura aducerea aminte pe viitor, si te va ajuta sa nu-ti calci pe propriile urme. E una sa te invartesti in cerc, si alta nu progresezi. A doua este mult mai putin daunatoare.
"Real freedom lies in wildness, not in civilization." Charles Lindbergh
Civilizatia este un lagar. Sustin acest lucru. Daca sa fii civilizat inseamna sa ai o lista de 100.000 de "nu face ...", atunci esti prizonier al propriilor principii si coduri. Viata inseamna respect fata de ceilalti, dar inseamna si libertatea de a gandi si a manifesta ceea ce esti. Prea multe rigori vor strica orice a mai ramas imprevizibil in jurul nostru.
"Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything." Henri Poincare
Un alt fel de a privi lucrurile. De obicei ziua este mai lunga decat noaptea, dar ea inseamna totul si poate trece atat de repede incat nici n-ai constientizat dimineata respectiva.
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain
Mai ales pentru cei care inca mai cred ca curajul are de-a face cu vreun fel de sfidare... Nu e deloc asa.
"For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing." H. L. Mencken
Am inceput sa ma gandesc serios daca nu cumva intreaga instrumentatie a omului ar putea fi prea restransa pentru a intelege ceea ce avem in jur. Am avut senzatia ca stiinta, la inceput, ingusteaza mintea. Ca numai combinata cu arta devine folositoare si iti ofera noi orizonturi. O concluzie, pentru mine, este sigura: fara suflet nu intelegem ceea ce INSEAMNA cu adevarat ceva. Intelegem doar cum functioneaza, poate. Dar nu de ce si pentru ce...
"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give." Sir Winston Churchill
Viata e daruita de altcineva, de aceea si noi trebuie sa daruim ceva in schimb, omenirii...
"Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else." Ogden Nash
Dragut.
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield
Nu-i dulce? Imi si imaginez un copilas mic si scump care ar spune asta cu zambetul pe buze si un limbaj dificil de inteles la prima auzire.
"I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence." Gary Trudeau
O rutina... saracul!
"Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug." Jon Lithgow
"It is very difficult to live among people you love and hold back from offering them advice." Anne Tyler, Celestial Navigation, 1974
Nu ai simtit de multe ori impulsul sa dai sfaturi sau sa ajuti pe cei la care tii, chiar daca nu ti-o cer? Cateodata insa, trebuie sa infrunte singuri problema. Dar niciodata nu inseamna ca strica sa fii disponibil, la nevoie. Dar stiati asta...
"There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing." Oscar Wilde
Ce pacat ca nu se gasesc aproape deloc; poate si de aceea sunt fascinanti.
"If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right." Mary Kay Ash
"I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can't read any poetry." Randall Jarrell
Ce intuitie dom'le! Pasiunea pentru poezie s-a dus de foarte mult timp. Rareori se mai gasesc oameni care sa citeasca pentru suflet ceea ce inseamna poezie, chiar si in proza... Majoritatea oamenilor citesc thrillere sau telenovele...
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." Robert Orben
"Pray as if everything depended upon God and work as if everything depended upon man." Francis Cardinal Spellman
Cu alte cuvinte: cand ti-e bine pastreaza-ti credintele, iar cand ti-e rau roaga-te sa nu te paraseasca. Si: cand ti-e bine bucura-i si pe ceilalti, iar cand ti-e rau ajuta-i ca sa-ti fie bine...
"The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining." John F. Kennedy
La momentul potrivit inseamna atunci cand inima si mintea sunt de acord in acelasi timp...
"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." Napoleon Bonaparte
Cu alte cuvinte: s-o rescriem fratilor!
"Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event." Oscar Wilde
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)
Si chiar te priveste cineva: tu. Omul in interiorul sau exista intotdeauna in cel putin doua instante, dar de obicei mai multe. Orice analiza si conflict trezeste la viata cateva din aspectele judecatii sale, dar, in final, judecatorul "constiinta" da verdictul.
"Since you are like no other being ever created since the beginning of time, you are incomparable." Brenda Ueland
Sau oamenii nu pot fi comparati unul cu altul...
"Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about." Lynn Johnston, For Better or For Worse, 11-06-03
"If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years." Bertrand Russell
In universul curent, atatia oameni doresc ca ceilalti sa fie ca ei cand le e rau, in loc sa fie ei bine pur si simplu, ...
"In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation." Roger Allen
"There comes a time in every man's life and I've had many of them." Casey Stengel
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." Noel Coward
"Whoever does not love his work cannot hope that it will please others."
"The great aim of education is not knowledge but action." Herbert Spencer
De acord. Asta e bine in sistemul american: educatia invata la actiune, nu la cunoastere. In fapt, viata inseamna evenimente, nu teorie... Pentru cei mai putini straluciti, sau mai putin pregatiti sufleteste, a invata teoria si a aplica-o dintr-o data, asa cum promoveaza sistemul romanesc, duce de obicei la rezultate deplorabile.
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." Michael Pritchard
Mai trebuie sa-ti tragi si respiratia. Totul e sa nu uiti ca in viata trebuie sa razi mereu cand ai ocazia, din atat de multe motive incat... este inutil sa le enumar.
"The truth is always a compound of two half- truths, and you never reach it, because there is always something more to say." Tom Stoppard
Adevarul este dincolo de noi. Dar dincolo de noi suntem tot noi... Adevarul este, in societate, ceea ce majoritatea sustine, in final, nu-i asa?
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws." Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"We are rich only through what we give, and poor only through what we refuse." Anne-Sophie Swetchine
"Laughter is inner jogging." Norman Cousins
Pastreaza sanatatea cu un ras de 3 ori pe zi: dimineata, la pranz si seara.
"When there is no peril in the fight there is no glory in the triumph." Pierre Corneille
Fara pericol nu ai satisfactie, ce sa mai zicem de glorie!
"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." Rita Mae Brown
Fericirea inseamna uitare. Poate crezi ca e ipocrizie sau prefacatorie sa-ti uiti durerile trecutului, dar daca ai invatat ceva din ele, poti sa le stergi linistit.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." Niels Bohr
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." Elizabeth Taylor
Cei aparent perfecti sunt enervanti. De multe ori.
"We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh." Agnes Repplier, Americans and Others, 1912
Inca un motiv sa razi!
Paulo Coelho - La raul Piedra am sezut si-am plans:
Tipa: "Iubirea e ca un drog. La inceput ai senzatia de euforie, de abandon total. Apoi, a doua zi, vrei mai mult. Inca nu e un viciu, dar iti place senzatia si iti inchipui ca o poti sine sub control. Te gandesti la fiinta iubita vreme de doua minute si uiti de ea timp de trei ore.
In scurt timp insa te obisnuiesti cu acea persoana si incepi sa fii complet dependent de ea. Acum te gandesti la ea trei ore si o uiti doua minute. Daca ea nu e langa tine, incerci aceleasi senzatii ca si drogatii cand nu-si obtin drogul. In acest moment, asa cum drogatii fura si se injosesc ca sa faca rost de ceea ce le trebuie, si tu esti dispus sa faci orice pentru dragoste."
"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." Susan Ertz, Anger in the Sky
Daca omul ar fi nemuritor, de mult n-ar mai fi planeta asta "in picioare".
"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." Vince Lombardi
Merge in ambele sensuri, oricare ar fi verbul.
"I looked always outside of myself to see what I could make the world give me instead of looking within myself to see what was there." Belle Livingstone
Ceea ce e de facut si pentru noi se afla mereu in fata noastra. Si s-ar putea sa ne si placa.
"If people only knew how hard I work to gain my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful at all." Michelangelo Buonarroti
Adica si cei mai buni muncesc pentru asta: viata nu inseamna numai noroc.
"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities." Aldous Huxley, Vendeta for the Western World, 1945
Nu cauta fericirea, te va gasi ea pe tine prin alte mijloace. Intotdeauna prin alte mijloace. Altfel, care ar mai fi rostul existentei, daca toti ar gasi fericirea atunci cand o cauta?
"The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it." Pearl Buck, The Joy of Children, 1964
Sa-ti placa ceea ce faci este primul pas spre excelenta, si invers.
"Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it." Helen Hayes, in Roy Newquist, Showcase, 1966
"Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness." - Cullen Hightower - End of Chapter Eight
Sunday, March 19, 2006
[New story] "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
Chapter seven
Maybe I've been talking too much about love, right? Maybe t'is about time to speak of something else. Why do I value feelings so much? I mean, after all, there's so much to think about... You know, I've been planning hundreds of times of writing a novel, trying - neither desperately nor paciently - to reach that subject of a dream, that'd fit me and the public - people being such gluttons for science-fiction and american-style happy endings.
Sometimes it happens. I go back these lines and re-read my own writings, ones seem to be so puerile, nevertheless unforgetable among my other billion feelings kept between these pages. Then, when I feel somewhere between the present and the past, once present, allowing myself to condone the so profuse,exhilarating and profound illusion that my mind and heart can possibly conceive: the feeling I can do that, write something marvelous, grandiose and magnetic. Almost like Harry Potter, right? Ah, but let's leave dreams like that aside this time.
A curiosity inside our adolescent society is that there are irefutable times when people are in search for more dramma. It's like that song, ya know? Somehow, I didn't figure out why yet, many teenagers find themselves struggling with dozens of problems, very versatile and also potential illusions. As for myself, I am certan of one thing: I do not find it difficult to imagine an illusion in order to cover reality. There are, I must say, lesser times I did that by the minute, but, nevertheless, it did happen a couple of times and it may happen anytime I do not wish to confrunt something, either because I feel like it's not a confrontable subject, like, for example: the idea of death.
Let's stop for just a second and think through how ourselves might be found in this self-check-out. See, at this age everything's close to maximum: one's capacity to suffer, the speed and agility of your own mind, to say it in one word: endurance. We are tough and, for a few years coming, this will be the main advantage which this wonderful period of life presents. In general, my advice is for you to make use of this features, as you'll see that, while growing old, your abilities will considerably lower, most significant is the ease with which one reaches tiredness, mind and soul. This means that this is the age when you can do your best. Either by studying hard, playing sports, listening to your artistic side and follow sculpture, painting, writing, etc, or experience life, love, friendship, phylosophy. There's always something to do, that leads you upwards, and, unless another of these three main subjects disturbs you, you've got every drop of enegry and cell in your body focused on the task at hand.
"Thanks to" my lack of inspiration, I shall fill in the blanks with more quotes I discovered this summer.
"Native Americans were, and are, Homo sapiens sapiens. [...] The reluctance in accepting this obvious fact comes from the Eurocentric conviction that the West holds a monopoly on science, logic, and clear thinking. To admit that other, culturally divergent viewpoints are equally plausible is to cast doubt on the monolithic center of Judeo-Christian belief: that there is just one of everything - God, right way, truth - and Europeans alone knew what that was. [...] It is little wonder, therefore, that Native Americans were perceived not so much as they were, but as they had to be, from an European viewpoint."
I believe this, because, we have to admit, prejudices are easy to pass on from generation to generation, and, if anyone, religion and politics were the most common of the propaganda used so far. It made me sad to discover there are so so many untestified universally accepted truths being told to every human being in this world, most of them unleashed by powerful people, done so at their own interest.
"We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent we do not possess then for the fifteen talents we do possess."
This I agree with. It is not necessarily an universal truth, but it's in our human nature to desire being recognized even, sometimes especially, for something which we did not.
I believe that, as I grow up, my own tendency is to look at everything as possible, conceivable and try to understand and accept - not necessarily tolerate - everything taking place around myself. I think that when it comes to self-distinguishness and one's way of getting attention in a certain environment, the sentence above is unvanquished, invincible. As inconcievable as it may sound, I think that everything should be taken seriously and not seriously, simultaneously. The best results are usually achieved by considering both sides of the argument.
"Never part without loving words to think of during your absence. It may be that you will not meet again in life." Jean Paul Richter
This is just so sweet! There's nothing more important to me, actually, when I or a friend of mine parts, that the final memory is one containing such loving words or actions.
"I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic." Lisa Alther, Kinflicks, 1975
This is like my point with dual interpretation. I think that is enough for someone sufficiently intelligent.
"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all." William Goldman, "The Princess Bride"
I saw this movie and I recommend it to you all, even if it's a bit more of a fairy-tale than a realistic story and many of you may find it boring or inconsistent. Either way, pay attention to some of the facts, because even from worst movies you can learn.
"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." Bertrand Russell
"If I had my life to live over... I'd dare to make more mistakes next time." Nadine Stair
These two are connected with the idea I want to express: live your life as yourself and do a little thinking before organizing your time. Do so according to your priorities in life and at the current time, for regrets are unwelcome and not so hard to avoid. Most of them are part of being yourself.
"Intimate relationships cannot substitute for a life plan. But to have any meaning or viability at all, a life plan must include intimate relationships." Harriet Lerner
I really don't have a life plan yet, but if I were to, in any case, I couldn't imagine one without my love standing aside me. At any time in the future, should I be alone, I'd know that I either had someone right for me, or will have. So ... while you're alone, do things for yourself and the people you care about, so that, when a person for you comes along, you'll have what it takes to thank him/her for the love he/she feels toward you.
"It is bad luck to be superstitious." Andrew W. Mathis
Just funny, nothing to comment.
" If the people who love you are many more than the people you love, it means that you hurt people more than they hurt you." - End of chapter seven
[Old story] Chapter one - the beginning of feelings, sorting out
/* Some parts are in Romanian */
I stand here in front of the screen and try to imagine a world, my world, an own creation that is somewhat connected to my personality... Let's see what comes out.
Well... I often ask myself: "What is love to me?", ain't it just something I came up with because i didn't have anything better to do? Crossed my mind, but, still, if it was that, then I'd get bored of it after a while, or, I'd do it myself, falling in love that is... But that didn't happen... I remember when it did 'though... First kind of "true love" i had...
I just hanged around her... spending time and talking stuff, having fun from time to time and always not getting bored. I remember I always looked into her eyes, for long periods of time... I wonder what she thought of that, never asked her though. I try to figure out how do I love? What makes love special to me, and so overcrossing other feelings, so important that it comes over all I had before and leaves it in there, in a small corner, almost like all that matters is love.
Just these days eram la "Camil Petrescu - Ultima noapte de dragoste, intaia noapte de razboi". Hm.. this guy... S.G. his name, thinks that male is superior. Iubirea e un proces de autosugestie, si daca pentru el nu conteaza decat ea, atunci si pentru ea nu trebuie sa conteze decat el. Romantic desavarsit... si.. trebuie ca totul sa fie perfect, incet incet, pe masura ce el se indragosteste de ea tot mai mult, o face perfecta, inventeaza motive, se autoconvinge despre caracterul si personalitatea ei... Eh.. not me, definetly... What is my love like? Well.. i don't really know for sure... I'm gonna try to tell at first what it ain't like.. maybe it will all clear up and i'll see it. First of all, nu inventez motive, nu-mi spun ca, daca eu o iubesc, atunci ea clar ma iubeste... si, asta nu faceam nici in trecut. Stiu prea bine ca nu e perfecta, si, culmea, ma indragostesc mai mult de partile care sunt mai departe de perfectiune decat de cele care nu sunt... I remember my mom said.. "Alege-ti si tu una mai prostuta".. I know why, it's because the smart ones know what they want... have a general idea and are somewhat picky. But i don't choose them.. and... I guess if I wanted to fall in love with "una mai prostuta" m-as fi dus la alt liceu. My God it's strange. I can choose them, but when do I do that, I don't know. Like... last year... first kind of "true love", I chose her, intentionally almost. I can do that, and it grows, so fast, from the illusion to the real thing. It ain't natural, still, it's possible... makes me feel flexible after all. It's easy for me to choose a girl... The worst part is I can fall in love unintentionally... like now. That's what makes this different... Hey.. maybe all loves from now will be different, but in any case, this is different... maybe just coz I changed.. I do that continuously, and I try to tell people that the basis still remains there, all goes better or worse, but what was that summarized my caracter before will still be after.
I stand and wait.. I don't know what to do really... I'm afraid to blow this one too. And I know, that no matter what, oricine imi da sfaturi, ar putea fi gresite, fiindca, other people always tend to choose wrong, it is like I say, what I do is right and noone could have done it better. And it's true for everyone, bcoz noone knows what to do better than urself. So what do I do? I go see her... that's what... number one. Everytime after I do that I don't know how soon will I terribly miss her... There's something I gotta control though, not making it an obsession, like the last year one was. That must not happen because love will just go. I don't know if it can, but I guess it's always possible. I wish we all had time. I know that, soon enough, time will be the problem, if it ain't already. The worst that could happen is for her to fall in love with someone else, the big thingie I am afraid of. All feelings change in time, and thoughts... I dunno... Let me say what I like about her.
I remember I wondered, in the beggining.. what's with her giving so much importance to the eyes. Now I know what that means.. Never seen eyes like hers out there...I could cry, cry a lot to see them... They just make me forget about all that's bad in this world and dream.. For crying out loud! I'm sometimes dreaming during classes... I'm happy... and, it feels good.. it's not that big weight over my heart after a while of not seeing her, good! I disliked that, I wuz trying to make her an obsession.. Oh she's great... I dunno if she knew what she did... what she changed in me, but everytime i think of my love, I know that all that I have now inside I owe her, even if it was deliberately or not. I don't feel different, I may act different. Now after i write here... it's better, makes me realise that I should be even happier, and glad to even have met her, and for her understanding me.
I dunno if girls are like some say, that they(girls) see what they had only after it/he/she goes away... Maybe... still... I have the will to be here and not go anywhere, to love her forever.. it all depends on how much pain I can take, and what she does.
OMG.. i know you, who read this, are disturbed, or disoriented, and that's natural... I don't know when to do what I want to do, and i don't really know what to do because I have to do one thing first and then the next things depend on that one thing... bla bla... And when, that's more wicked, coz time inside me works different... I don't know! Gotta talk to her... I don't wanna take over her life though.. I'm not asking for that kind of love where all else in the world doesn't matter.. I dunno.. I really don't have many restrictions when it comes to loving.. it's all free.. goes whatever way it goes, and if i can redirect it from time to time then it's a good feeling.
Should I change? Don't know that... that's why I am changing only the small parts, and all of them together may change me, but each at a time, no.
Poate ca am scris iar degeaba.. da' are efect.. ma calmeaza... O sa incerc sa lucrez... sa fac din mine ceva mai profesional :).. Gosh e greu cand sunt atat de sentimental... as putea sa PLANG DE FERICIRE. I shed a tear right now... I can't believe how full I am inside.. My mind works aiurea! Completely... Imaginati-va ca tot ce-am scris aici a fost in cateva minute.. something like 25-30... si.. sunt multe idei.. intr-o ordine oarecare.. si poate doar pentru mine au o ordine... Stiu cum pot rezolva asta.. dar nu mi-am pus timp. In trecut imi planificam next day frumos.. sa vad ce am de facut... totu' era clar.. intotdeauna cand nu e legat de altii e clar. Acum sunt pentru toti... give this to that person.. ailalta lu' ala.. etc.. sunt zile cand aduc la scoala like.. for 10 ppl.. si nu e sarbatoare :)
Uite.. initial am scris asta ca sa fie un story.. asta e si titlul... si.. acu'... aj vrea sa citeasca lumea inainte sa termin... ma gandeam sa fac o lume.. ceva de genul lumea mea, un roman poate, in care sa descriu..
How does love feel? Well... really... dak m-as gandi atat de mult knd vad persoana.. as fii super emotionat si n-as mai fi bun de nik... asa.. act natural.. don't plan anything.. let her do it, because she is the one who may love me or not, I already love her. Dak as plagia si as zice ca am si fluturi in stomac cateodata, like Harry Potter?... well.. da.. am si asta. Am de toate... i change very often... And still, I care for the people around me much, very much... even more than before.. Rearranging priorities, that's why my mind is so confused.. It's like the whole universe puddled up inside me and it won't come out until i deal with it!
Hey.. the way unusual part is that i actually tried to fall in love with someone else... I said: "Well, let me see if I can, maybe I can and all the moments when I'm overwhelmed by my love will go away" I go to bed mushy, and I wake up mushy :). Whadda ya know? I tried... I really like her right now, and I smile when I see her, but I don't need her, I don't really care much, I don't love her... and most of all, I don't miss her.
Not to mention that before loving that before this huge I was in love with someone else, some people will just say that I did it to myself, no? Well... don't think that, please, because, i didn't choose to love this one, and now that I do, I don't regret it, i want to keep it, coz how it happened, and when it happened.. and.. all else.. makes it feel special, and worth loving her for what she is. Good thing I don't do the "making her perfect" part. That way she won't really dissapoint me... Eah.. well.. this is enough... I'll go on with it next time, whenever that is.. 'till then some of you out there can read it, and ask me questions, or tell ur opinions. There are people like me out there... and there is something in all of us that made me this way, not that u'd want to be like me...
I dunno how smart I am, but, really, I don't work that much for lil stuff. The next thing I should work on is my memory... I gotta practice remembering things ppl... you out there may know that I easily forget because it hardly has room inside :)
As a final part.. u ppl.. I beg you, do not run into jugding, coz my mind is used up and some things may come out wrong.. I don't like when ppl start jumping on me because of what I say. That's because it was part of a bigger sentence.. a bigger meaning.. a possible different thing than what it means at first. Do u understand?
...TO BE CONTINUED
